Rose's Cantina

As any kid will tell you, adults are stupid. Adults worry about things that don't matter, we care about things that are not relevant and we put out too much effort in such endeavors as cleaning the house when it'll just get dirty and making the bed when the bed will just be unmade again in a few hours. Kids understand it's important to save energy for killing zombies. I see you there, shaking your head and wagging your finger, but they may be onto something. In fact, they may hold the key to surviving climate change. Here is the kid's survival plan to keep you safe, in good weather and bad. Shelter in place When the temperature dips below freezing, it's best to curl up in the basement and play video games or try to find the real meaning of life from watching Green Day on the You Tube channel. Stock up Make sure your cave is fully equipped with supplies designed to give you energy including Skittles, Doritos and a full case of Red Bull which wil...

If Facebook and Twitter had been invented when we were teenagers, nothing would ever have gotten done. It is true, we were the first generation of kids raised around the television. But we weren't glued to it. That's because there wasn't as much on television back then except for games shows and soap operas. And cartoons but only on Saturday mornings. Besides, our moms were hard asses who kicked us out of the house. We didn't care because we didn't have air-conditioning. When we were old enough to work, we got jobs. On the farm, we picked berries and bailed hay. In the city, kids had paper routes. The lack of recreational options made us more creative with our spare time. Some of us became activists railing against war and racism and injustice. Others became builders and philanthropists. Still others channeled their energy into creating business and growing wealth. The rest just became drunks. The world would not be nearly as interesting today if we'...

I'm having a pretty good day so far, considering the world ended at approximately 5:45 this a.m. Not really sure how it ended, as I woke up before the big "whatever" occurred. I think it involved something from space, maybe a really big toilet seat. Bruce Willis was not available for comment. I woke up in the middle of this dream, and remember someone telling me that we had two days before the Earth burned up like a Zippo lighter. I think I spent the two days looking for the dogs who had escaped. Other than that, I don't think I did anything at all. It made me wonder this morning: if the world were coming to an end, how would I spent my last couple of days? Aside from crying on the commode. I couldn't do the usual things, like watching premium cable as I assume the people who put such things on the air would be running to and fro, not giving a shit whether Rose missed the last episode of The Big C (spoiler alert! Laura Linney dies). And the Internet ...

There is a new study from the geniuses at CHEO which says that kids should have one hour of exercise every day and they should limit their screen time to two hours. I wonder how much the taxpayer paid for this study. I could have told you this, if only you'd asked. Did we need a study to tell us this? Any mom could tell you that our kids are fat and lazy. What I'd like to see is some kind of strategy to get the kids off the couch. In my day, that strategy included a bull whip, lube and perhaps some brussel sprouts. We live in a Pillsbury Dough Boy society where kids are coddled and entitled. They are given every indulgence. Just try to pry the controller out of a braindead kid's fingers. Just try it. Kids aren't interested in exercise. They want others to do it for them, as in soldiers and ninjas. So how are we supposed to enforce this? Come on, Johnny, let's go to the park. To do what? Let's throw a ball around. You throw a ball around. No ...

Scott has been out of work for four months. He quit his job because going there made him throw up in his mouth. For four months, he's been job-hunting. Nothing in his field. No call backs, not even from McDonald's. Yesterday, he decided to go back to doing what he's been doing for the past four years. Selling cars. He sent his resume out. He got 15 call backs in less than two hours. Got 15 job interviews. Will start his new job on Saturday. Yay! The man needs a job. He hijacked my television for four months. Played video games incessantly. Chewed my ear off. I now have my television back. No more listening/watching to men with bad English accents, in questionable attire, offing monsters. No more buying groceries with Air Miles from the liquor store. There is peace in my time. Groceries in my belly. To celebrate, here's a video I think you'll enjoy. I'll give you a cookie if you watch it all the way through. Two if you figure it out.  ...

My son Stef has been urging me to get into a new line of work -- making videos for YouTube. He wants to work with me on a new YouTube show called Moms Playing Video Games . He is convinced we'll make a fortune. Apparently, you just has to shoot yourself playing, say, Paper Mario Sticker Party , and post segments on YouTube. The more likes and views you get determines advertising, similar to how this blog works. I remain unconvinced. So far, the ads on Blogger have netted me a cool $135 over a year and a half. It's not even enough to pay one month's Internet bill, so I doubt Moms Playing Video Games will do much better. Besides, I have a couple of video game injuries. Last night, I woke up with a wicked itchy trigger finger, obviously the result of hours spent playing the Nintendo DS which, for my aged friends, is a portable video game player. In 3D. The damned thing is so addictive. After this weekend, I'm packing Mario and Luigi away for the spring. The Yo...

Hello. I’m finally back. It’s been a hard few weeks. It began with a sinus infection which left me feeling like Nick Nolte in Afflicted , the scene where he pulls out his back teeth. Even having nose sex with a Nettie pot did not help. Like an oozing sore, the nasal passages just had to drain themselves. And then I got a cold -- one of the really bad ones with a throat burning like some kind of forest fire. And then came the heartburn which burnt the esophagus from the other side. I’m on deadline for a couple of projects so there was no slowing down. Just drugs. Finally, I decided to treat myself to an afternoon of Nintendo DS, Final Fantasy Four , which was awesome until the next day when I ended up with what I believe was a pinched nerve on the side of my wrist. I turned into Lobster Girl. I could not do anything. I could not write, fuck no. I could not cook. Yowza. Worst of all, I could not wipe my ass. You don’t actually realize until you no longer have...

So the truth is, I've become addicted to video games. Well, that's not exactly true. I'm addicted to Zelda games, the ones with the little guy in a green hat running around looking for a princess who is usually captured by some dark malevolent figure. I remember buying Zelda for Stef when he was about eight; I didn't pay much attention to his gaming and to the creepy dungeons he explored. He admits that some of these games scared the crap out of him and I didn't even know. It was Stef who turned me on to Zelda when he bought me my first Nintendo DS for Christmas. It was so weird; I hadn't played video games since the 70s when the Press Club introduced me to Space Invaders and Pacman. I vividly recall spending whole evenings trying to beat Jerry Beauchamp, the master gamer. I gave up video games when I decided to become an adult, get married and settle down. I took them up again, albeit briefly when Stef and Nick were three and four, then gave them up aga...