Rose's Cantina

The fact is, I don't have any useful skills. I can cook, I suppose, but I cannot make Jello. Or fudge. Both turn out gloopy no matter how I try to change up the recipe or follow it to the letter. I can't assemble things. I once tried to put together a desk from Ikea and I thought I was successful at it. Then the cat jumped on it and it folded like a deck of cards. I can't sew. I can't paint. I can't sing. I can't play an instrument. I tried to crochet, but the thing look like gum when you take it out of your mouth and stretch it out. The holes were not at all consistent. My aunt said I didn't have the right tension. My mother said it was because I was left handed. I can't play sports. When I tried to play powder puff football in university, I got a black eye. I tried to run and I got plantar fasciitis. I tried to play golf and hit some old codger in the head. On a parallel green. Ever since I was a little kid, I wanted to be good at something but ...

My son Stef has been urging me to get into a new line of work -- making videos for YouTube. He wants to work with me on a new YouTube show called Moms Playing Video Games . He is convinced we'll make a fortune. Apparently, you just has to shoot yourself playing, say, Paper Mario Sticker Party , and post segments on YouTube. The more likes and views you get determines advertising, similar to how this blog works. I remain unconvinced. So far, the ads on Blogger have netted me a cool $135 over a year and a half. It's not even enough to pay one month's Internet bill, so I doubt Moms Playing Video Games will do much better. Besides, I have a couple of video game injuries. Last night, I woke up with a wicked itchy trigger finger, obviously the result of hours spent playing the Nintendo DS which, for my aged friends, is a portable video game player. In 3D. The damned thing is so addictive. After this weekend, I'm packing Mario and Luigi away for the spring. The Yo...

Now that I have officially reached the 10th year mark in my relationship with Scott, I feel confident enough to give some advice to the lovelorn. It took me until my 46th year to figure out what makes a successful relationship. I tried marriage twice before and due to infidelity, both went bust before the husband could even get his seven year itch on. I was talking to a younger girlfriend this week who gave me the 411 on the piece of shit who was her long-time boyfriend, whom she caught sexting a senior and boffing a barmaid. It took her a while before she finally kicked his ass to the curb. I also talked to another friend who is in the throes of a bitter divorce thanks to her slimy husband who lost interest in her after she gave birth. Both these women are in their 30s and are pretty much done with men. But I've told them to hold out. The ocean is full of decent middle aged men and the water's fine. Besides, I said, experience is everything. You have to kiss a bun...