Timothy Olyphant Wants You Inside Of Him

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We haven't checked in on Lil' Timmy Olyphant in too too long! Not since that time we saw him prancing around in skimpy underpants on stage, probably. (Good memories, good memories.) So what's the deal with this Santa Clarita Diet show anyway? I haven't been paying attention but that ad they ran during the Globes did grab my eye. Plus Scream reunion!

Yeah yeah they're in seperate films in the series, whatever - everybody in that damn franchise is family as far as I'm concerned. In case you have no idea what I'm on about (join the club) Santa Clarita Diet is a new horror comedy Netflix is dropping February 3rd that co-stars Tim & Drew as suburban cannibals or zombies or something. It also co-stars Nathan Fillion and Patton Oswalt! Geek overload. Here's a Tim-centric teaser:

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In related news I guess Tim was on Ellen Degeneres' Show earlier this week (via, thanks Mac) and he told a story about how some detectives sat him down recently to tell him that he'd been the victim of a video-taping gym locker-room pervert! (A pervert after my own heart.) The detectives assured Timothy that they had the pictures and they'd never get released, and here's what this delightful man had to say about that:

"I say, ‘Whoa, whoa, whoa. It’s never going to get out?’ And he says, ‘No. It’s not a problem.’ And I say, ‘Well, how do I look?... Let’s think this through here. We could turn this frown around. I don’t know what the angle is, but this could be… Careers have been made out of perhaps less."

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Thursday's Ways Not To Die

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Slither (2006)

Today is the 10th anniversary of the terrific gross-out monster movie riff Slither,  which was directed by Guardians of the Galaxy's James Gunn well before he was lovingly framing Chris Pratt's heaving abdominal muscles. One man's intestines are another man's abs -- that what I always say!

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Happy 10 year anniversary to my directorial debut Slither. I made so many good friends on that movie! @michael_rooker @natefillion @taniagreyphotography

A photo posted by James Gunn (@jamesgunn) on Mar 30, 2016 at 8:43am PDT

Everything You Ever Need To Know About Life...

... you can learn from:

Firefly (2002)

Simon: I'm trying to put this as delicately as I can... 

How do I know you won't kill me in my sleep? 

Mal: You don't know me, son, so let me explain this 

to you once: If I ever kill you, you'll be awake. 

You'll be facing me, and you'll be armed. 

Simon: Are you always this sentimental? 

Mal: I had a good day. 

Simon: You had the Alliance on you, criminals and savages... 

Half the people on the ship have been shot or wounded 

including yourself, and you're harboring known fugitives. 

Mal: Well, we're still flying. 

Simon: That's not much. 

Mal: It's enough. 

A happy 40 to Sean Maher today! (pics below via)

I Am Team Tightpants

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We are all Team Tightpants. Today we are, at least. Over the weekend the most recent Team Experience Poll revealed itself at The Film Experience - this time around we're talking the best movies that were adapted from television shows, and sure enough we found space for Joss' favorite space-crew. Indeed that little write-up was scraped off the tongue of yours truly, so head on over to hear me wax poetical upon it. Would you like to know my whole list? (That question was rhetorical; I am totally giving you my whole list now.)

9. The Naked Gun

8. The Brady Bunch Movie

7. Jackass

6. In the Loop

5. The Fugitive

4. Serenity

3. South Park: Bigger Longer & Uncut

2. Twin Peaks: Fire Walk With Me

1. The Muppet Movie

My list only has nine because one of my picks - Addams Family Values - got tossed because of blah blah reasons. I should add that I hadn't seen Pennies From Heaven when it placed on the final list, so I went and watched it last night and I LOVED it; it would totally make my list now. Also yes, I stand by that placement of Jackass. Dadaism via genital mutilation, that.

10 Off My Head - Joss' Birthday Beefcake

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It should probably have been a national holiday - writer/director/puny-god Joss Whedon is turning 50 today! Don't feel bad for him that it wasn't a national holiday though, since he's off filming the second Avengers movie and Chris Hemsworth is probably popping out of a cake for him (speaking of beef cake - ha ha get it?) while Chris Evans and Aaron Johnson hold him down and tickle him... (yes my image of the Avengers set is akin to a teenage boy's fantasy of a girl's slumber party; what of it?). But seriously speaking of beefcake Joss has given us so much to appreciate over the years. It seems to have gone hand in hand with his feminist notions of turning a little blond girl nobody was taking seriously into an indestructible powerhouse - he's never had any trouble with turning the male gaze back upon itself, with sexy results. Here are ten of my favorite instances of it off the top of my head from just his television work! See all ten after the jump!

Brett Dalton experimenting on Agents of SHIELD

I Am Link

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--- Full Sensation - When they released the loooong list of names of people who were are going to be in the Wachowskis new show for Netflix last week my eyes must have rolled back into my head before I got to the end because I totally missed that my favorite new Almodovar piece of meat was up in there - Miguel Ángel Silvestre (who has maybe dropped the Ángel?) will be part of the enormous cast for Sense8, which sounds like it will be Joss Whedon's consciousness-linked flick In Your Eyes multiplied by eight.

--- Ferry Man -  Last week we heard that Wong Kar-wai is working on a new movie already, which he will film next year, but we didn't know anything about it (other than it will apparently star one of China's sexiest men, who's so far unnamed) - now we've got some information on the source of the movie at least, and its story. It's coming from an apparently super-popular-n-China collection of short stories called I Belonged To You, and will focus on one story called "Ferryman" about an affair between a girl and a married artist. 

--- No Hero For You - A couple of months ago it was announced that NBC was reviving its show Heroes for a mini-event type-thing like just got done with 24 on Fox (side-note: I haven't watched any of the latter yet; should I bother? i watched 24 sporadically but never really missed it that much) - now comes word that Milo Ventimiglia and his gravity-defying butt will not be a part of it. What about Adrian Pasdar and his gravity-defying butt, will they at least give us that?

--- Helter Skelter - David Duchovny is making a thirteen-episode series (brief series being all the rage right now) about the cops who were tracking Charles Manson, and Games of Thrones' gay king slash shaving-enthusiast Gethin Anthony is playing the crazy cult leader himself. 

--- Lost Stoker - If you wanna know how to make me lose my effing mind in five seconds flat tell me that the studio forced Park Chan-wook to cut twenty minutes from Stoker - what what what??? That's what Snowpiercer director Bong Joon-ho says in this interview where he's talking about his own well-documented problems with Harvey Weinstein and sure enough, mind lost. Get me a director's cut right now dammit!

--- Secret Guardian - This is one of those times when I dislike the internet's big mouth (and yet here I am contributing to it) - word's leaked on a small cameo in Guardians of the Galaxy by one of our favorite actors; only click over if you don't give a shit about knowing, I guess. I wish I'd have been able to be surprised in the theater by it, myself.

--- The Boy Bird - I love the idea of Daniel Radcliffe playing Robin opposite Ben Affleck in the new Batman stuff! And then he could kill Ben Affleck and star in Robin movies (they could just make it a Batman Beyond movie, or whatever) and we'd all be so much better off.

--- Death Becomes Him - TV Line did a very Ways Not To Die thing with Bryan Fuller this week, getting him to say a little about some of the best death scenes from his death-soaked works, from Dead Like Me to Pushing Daisies to Hannibal. Once upon a time MNPP got Bryan to talk about several of those Daisies deaths, which you can see right here. Those were fun! (thanks Mac)

--- Stop Drop & Tucker - Speaking of Bryan Fuller stuff, this news is CRAZY old (it's from last August) but it totally bypassed me that sexy beast Jonathan Tucker (who recently got nearly naked on Hannibal) was cast in High Moon, Bryan's science-fiction series for SyFy. I only caught onto it thanks to Tucker's Instagram account where he posted a video of him dancing in some sort of genie garb - I think they might be filming that pilot right now? Anyway the first thing I expected to see from this show was definitely NOT that, so once again I think we can expect something surprising from Bryan coming our way.

--- And Finally I was so over-worked when it came time to write up my thoughts about Ira Sachs' glorious Love is Strange after Tribeca that I didn't do the movie justice at all, but you should know to see it, see it, see it - it's a great movie; it will probably be one of the year's best. It's out at the end of August, and we just got the first trailer, watch it here.

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I Love Nothing In The World...

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... so well as Whedon -- is that not strange? It always seems to take a minute, when that Shakespearean dialogue starts sputtering forth, to adjust to the dusty language - the indelible hithers and thithers of it all - and with Joss Whedon's Much Ado About Nothing there's maybe an added note of frisson on board, seeing a who's who of the Buffyverse stomping around a wine country villa tickling Bill's ivory tongue. Fred and Wesley are being so mean to each other! And I have no idea what they are saying! Slowly but surely your ears adapt - I think it was around the time that Clark Gregg showed up, waggling his tongue in a delightfully goofball (at least early on before all the woe is everything's) performance as Elder Statesman slash Daddy Dearest Leonidas, that Joss' take on the material began to feel fruitful, and from there it only snowballed. 

It never quite loses the sensation of being A Very Special Episode Of A Joss Whedon Television Show From Another Dimension - the budget shows - but that's a big part of its charm. It feels like you're at one of those Merry Murder Parties where the guests are suddenly acting out their scenes right around you, only at this gathering they're a bunch of people who had a scene or two on Dollhouse back in the day. (Hey there, Reed Diamond.)

If I'm going to single out anybody for Best in Show I'm going to single out the person Joss has proven his camera and pen to be in love with time and again, and for good reason - Amy Acker absolutely wows as Beatrice; she can do a pratfall with the grace of a perfectly timed gangly disgrace, and her "Oh God, that I were a man!" speech pretty much tears the roof off. Give this woman more work, ye gods of the acting profession! But the delight performance-wise is sprinkled evenly over the whole delightful comic-tragic souffle - Nathan Fillion and Tom Lenk make sturdy wit out of their huffing and puffing dimwittedness, Jillian Morgese and Fran Kranz brew believable love and heartbreak out of the couple that rends marriage and death asunder, and Sean Maher's sinisterly scored asides, a ridiculous ballet of shadows and foggy sighs, is as funny and pointlessly mean as it needs to be. Really the film just works, in its incorrigibly modest way, so much that this being a one-off, a one-time Whedon-Shakespeare co-production, would be cruel and inhuman - I must now insist that the entirety of Shakespeare's plays, from Romeo to King John, get the Nothing treatment.

Oh and yes as that picture attests Joss Whedon was there at the screening last night, and he was about as Joss Whedony as you expect him to be. He knows how to vibe on a crowd of people there to hang on his every word, and hang we did. I considered taping the thing or taking extensive mental notes and then I realized that the internet lives and breathes his every word and somebody else would do the work for me - click on over here for just one of the many examples I've seen today that proved my laziness more than right. Huzzah laziness!

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Joss In The House

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First off that picture is via this video, and no I have no idea what's going on, I haven't watched it yet. I kind of like it existing outside of context, though. Second off I am seeing Joss Whedon in person tonight! Holy mother of crap! He's showing his new movie Much Ado About Nothing at Lincoln Center, and doing a Q&A alongside it. And I'll be there! I'll be the one demanding to know why he murdered Anya. I'm seeing him tomorrow night at BAM as well. It's Josstastic! (Ugh, sorry Joss.) And now for "no" reason here's Nathan Fillion touching himself.

Much Ado About Much Ado

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Well there's the trailer for Joss Whedon's take on Ol' Bill Shakespeare's Much Ado About Nothing, starring the cast every Whedonite dreams of -Wesley and Fred and Captain Tightpants and Agent Coulson and Topher and Andrew and Dr. Simon Tam, oh my. It's out in mid June, although I know some of you people heading to SXSW will be seeing it much sooner, and to you I say I HATE YOU ALL.

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Quote of the Day

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"The look of the film is a lot bigger than what we did even previously. The first one worked and people loved it, but this is with a different director and just has a totally different feel. There's a definite "Game of Thrones" vibe thanks to [director] Alan [Taylor]."

-- That's Chris Hemsworth talking about Thor 2. And since A Game of Thrones is a dirty dirty whore's den, I am naturally taking "a definite Games of Thrones vibe" to mean that Thor's mighty hammer makes an explicit appearance. No, not his literal hammer. His metaphorical hammer. You know what I mean. Yeah? Oh yeah.

Pics of the Day

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The Playlist shares four new pictures from Joss Whedon's upcoming Shakespeare adaptation Much Ado About Nothing, which he shot in his own home with much of his usual troupe of actorly delights, and here are two. Up top there's Captain Tightpants looming large over questionably asexual Andrew, and here's the bad Watcher Wesley meeting and greeting his lost love turned blue god Winifred. I want this movie inside of me.

I Am Link

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--- Ozzy Insane - If I hadn't been so distracted by Dominic Cooper's omnipresent nipples this morning this would've gotten it's own post but alas, I am a simple man with simple needs, and so here we are, giving love to Sam Raimi's trailer for Oz, The Great and Powerful in the middle of a link round-up, while it definitely deserves better. Alas, my time is limited. I love the trailer, I want to marry it, and I'm surprised to see a lot of people thinking otherwise. Course it's all the Raimi touches that have me entirely overlooking the less enthralling developments like the Tim Burton's Wonderland vibe in some of the CG. But like I made mention of yesterday, this movie's swooped from zero to tops in my anticipation. I wanna eat its face right off.

--- The Red Bowtie Rises - Speaking of things I haven't gotten around to, I still haven't watched the Jimmy Fallon bit with Pee Wee Herman narrating the trailer for The Dark Knight Rises, which is about as close to blasphemy as this atheist can get.

--- Romeing Charges - And yet more to file under Things I Haven't Done But Shoulda - I haven't reviewed Woody Allen's new movie To Rome With Love since seeing it a week ago. I really don't have much to say. There were a couple of funny bits, but mostly I agree with what Nathaniel said about it. A really lazy effort from Woody.

--- The ReThongening - The hardest proof I can give you (emphasis on hard): you know I'm distracted if I haven't even mentioned the fact that Channing Tatum's talking up a sequel for Magic Mike yet.

--- The World's Start - Exciting word from ComiCon that Edgar Wright's The World's End, his third flick with Simon Pegg and Nick Frost after Shaun of the Dead and Hot Fuzz, is now officially official, in fact it's so official there's a teaser poster, seen there. The Playlist thinks we should read into the names of each of the bars - the film's about a pub crawl, ya see - that are listed, so I'm especially keen on The famous Cock, natch.

 

--- He's A Maniac - Love very much Glenn's piece on William Lustig's deeply dirty 1980 slasher with a heart of grunge flick Maniac over at Stale Popcorn. Contrasting it with Brian DePalma's soft-focused take on NYC in the same scuzzy period with Dressed to Kill was boffo.

--- Dredd Said - I laughed at what Karl Urban showed AICN his punishment is from JJ Abrams for spilling a big Star Trek secret in an interview the other week (spoilers, obviously), and then I stopped laughing as my mind wandered off to other places involving a bound and gagged Karl Urban and you see why I'm so easily distracted all the time?

--- Refinding Serenity - EW has some pictures from the Firefly reunion that happened in San Diego today. Unfortunately at no point do any of them involve Sean Maher and Nathan Fillion making out, giving handies, et cetera.

--- Z Is For Zeppo - Our beloved geek giant Drew Goddard of Buffy and Cabin in the Woods fame has been brought in to rewrite the ending of Brad Pitt's zombie movie World War Z, which has oddly turned into a giant mess of a movie, it seems. Dear Drew - Brad Pitt plus gay sex with zombies, the end. Voila!
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Thursday's Ways Not To Die

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"It's okay. It's okay.

Captain Hammer will save us......"

Dr. Horrible's Sing-a-long Blog (2008)

Famous last words, Penny. No really, those are Penny's famous last words. Holding out for a hero right until the end. That dame, man. She'll drive a man to villainy! No really, she will drive a man to villainy. See?

Told ya so.

Oh and a happy 33rd birthday to Felicia Day!

Oh and then this picture because yes, keep touching.

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Previous Ways Not To Die: Staring Contest of the Dead -- Satanic Self Sacrifice -- Fist and Fortune -- Psychedelic Penis Slice To Window Toss -- For Crimes Against Accent -- Sacked -- Speed Bumped For Traffic Spikes -- Shark Versus Jet-Ski -- Hot Oil Treatment -- Tucked In By Jason -- Just A Pair of Snowbodies -- Poison Pellet Kibble Swap -- Dolly Disassembled -- Fire Escape Fall Out -- Unbuggered -- Tell 'Em Large Marge Sent'cha -- Blue Man Gooped -- Tongue Stung -- Now Wouldn't Cha, Barracuda? -- Leaving on a Rat Plane -- Panthers! -- Fashion Faux-Pwned -- "It's Just A Box." -- Blasted Pigeons -- Taunting Ahnuld -- The Too Hot Tub -- Beyond the Veil -- Sunken Prayers-- Super Crack -- Brains Blown -- Fur For The Boogens -- White Hot Bunny Rabbit Rage --Dragged To Hell -- The TV Van That Dripped Blood -- Don't Mess With Mama -- Heads Ahoy --Martyred For Sheep -- Heads Nor Tails -- He Loves Me Knot -- The Great Bouncing Brad --Miss Kitty's 8 Mishaps -- Boat Smoosh -- Meeting the French-Tipped Menace -- A Magic Trick -- Slick Suck -- We Who Walk Here Walk Alone -- Raptor Bait -- Kneegasm'd -- Dare to Dream in Fincher -- Reach Out and Throttle Someone -- De-Faced -- Voluntary Drowning -- Cross Borne -- Pulled Up Hell's Sphincter -- An Arrow Up The Ass - The Numerous Violent Unbecomings of Olive Oyl -- Ack! Ack! Zap! -- Baby's First Acid Splash -- Chop, Drop and Sashimi Roll -- Forever Rafter -- Can't You Hear Me Now? -- Daisies Ways #5 - Harpoony Side Up -- Acid Dip -- On a Wing and a Prey -- For Standing in the Way of Sappho -- Busting Rule Number Three (For The Purpose of Number Two) -- Daisies #4 - Window Dressed To Killed --Hands Off the Haas Orb -- Bullet Ballet -- A Single Vacancy at the Roach Motel -- A School Bus Slipped Thru The Ice -- Trache-AAHHHH!!!-tomy'd - For Mel Gibson's Sins -- A Wide Stanced Slashing --- Daisies Ways #3 - Scratch n' Snuffed -- The Victim of a Viscous Hit & Run-- Curled -- Kabobbed -- Daisies Ways #2 - Aggravated Cementia -- Boo! Nun! -- 2009's Ways Not To Die -- Bug Scratch Fever -- Daisies Ways #1 - Deep Fat Fried in My Own Unique Blend of 500 Herbs & Spices -- By the Yard End of the Stick -- Screwed From A Very Great Distance-- A Righteous Bear-Jew Beatdown -- Fisted By Hugo Sitglitz -- Xeno Morphed -- Fuck-Stuck -- A Vengeful Elevator God: Part 4 -- Lava Bombed -- The Cradle Will Rock... Your Face Off!!! -- The Food of the Nilbog Goblins -- The Slugs Is Gonna Gitcha -- Phone Shark -- Hide The Carrot -- Sarlacc Snacked -- Avada Kedavra!!! -- Hooked, Lined and Sinkered -- "The Libyans!" -- Axe Me No Questions -- Pin the Chainsaw on the Prostitute -- The Wrath of the Crystal Unicorn -- The Ultimate Extreme Make-Over -- Drown In A Sink Before The Opening Credits Even Roll -- The Dog Who Knew Too Much -- Don't Die Over Spilled Milk -- Inviting the Wrath of Aguirre -- An Inconceivable Outwitting -- The Five Point Palm Exploding Heart Technique -- Nipple Injected Blue Junk -- Your Pick Of The Deadly Six -- Thing Hungry --Don't Fuck With The Serial Killer's Daughter -- DO Forget To Add The Fabric Softener -- Any Of The Ways Depicted In This Masterpiece Of Lost Cinema -- Rode Down In The Friscalating Dusklight -- Good Morning, Sunshine! -- Mornin' Cuppa Drano -- The Cylon-Engineered Apocalypse -- Tender-Eye-zed -- Martian Atmospheric Asphyxiation -- Maimed By A Mystical Person-Cat -- The Sheets Are Not To Be Trusted -- Handicapable Face-Hacked -- I Did It For You, Faramir -- Summertime In The Park... Of A Pedophile's Mind -- A Vengeful Elevator God: Part 3 -- Strung Up With Festive Holiday Bulbs By Santa Claus Himself -- A Vengeful Elevator God: Part 2 -- A Vengeful Elevator God: Part 1 -- Decapitated Plucked Broiled & Sliced -- Head On A Stick! -- A Trip To The Ol' Wood-Chipper -- Pointed By The T-1000 --Sucking Face With Freddy Krueger -- A Pen-Full Of Home-Brewed Speed to The Eye --Motivational Speech, Interrupted -- A Freak Ephemera Storm -- When Ya Gotta Go... Ya Gotta Go -- Hoisted By Your Own Hand Grenade -- Having The Years Suction-Cupped Away --Criss-Cross -- Turned Into A Person-Cocoon By The Touch Of A Little Girl's Mirror Doppleganger -- Satisfying Society's "Pop Princess" Blood-Lust -- Done In By The Doggie Door-- Tuned Out -- Taking the 107th Step -- Rescuing Gretchen -- Incinerated By Lousy Dialogue-- Starred & Striped Forever -- Vivisection Via Vaginally-Minded Barbed-Wire -- Chompers (Down There) -- Run Down By M. Night Shyamalan -- Everything Up To And Including The Kitchen Toaster -- Sacrificed To Kali -- Via The Gargantuan Venom Of The Black Mamba Snake -- Turned Into An Evil Robot -- The Out-Of-Nowhere Careening Vehicle Splat -- "Oh My God... It's Dip!!!" -- Critter Balled -- Stuff'd -- A Hot-Air Balloon Ride... Straight To Hell!!!-- Puppy Betrayal -- High-Heeled By A Girlfriend Impersonator -- Flip-Top Beheaded --Because I'm Too Goddamned Beautiful To Live -- By Choosing... Poorly... -- Fried Alive Due To Baby Ingenuity -- A Good Old-Fashioned Tentacle Smothering -- Eepa! Eepa! -- Gremlins Ate My Stairlift -- An Icicle Thru The Eye -- Face Carved Off By Ghost Doctor After Lesbian Tryst With Zombie Women -- Electrocuted By Fallen Power-Lines -- A Mouthful Of Flare --Taken By The TV Lady -- Bitten By A Zombie -- Eaten By Your Mattress -- Stuffed To Splitting -- Face Stuck In Liquid Nitrogen -- Crushed By Crumbling Church Debris -- Bitten By The Jaws Of Life -- A Machete To The Crotch -- Showering With A Chain-Saw -- In A Room Filled With Razor Wire -- Pod People'd With Your Dog -- Force-Fed Art -- Skinned By A Witch -- Beaten With An Oar -- Curbed -- Cape Malfunction -- In The Corner -- Cooked In A Tanning Bed -- Diced -- Punched Through The Head -- Bugs Sucking On Your Head

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