Taylor Kitsch Five Times

I don't have any idea why this is -- perhaps the pandemic has finally and irrevocably murdered my brain, haha ha sigh -- but for some reason I have really been wanting to re-watch John Carter lately? I wasn't one of the people who gave it a good review even against its general floppage in 2012; I was super excited as a fan of the books and sadly thought the movie was pretty low-grade trash when I did finally see it. But a decade's passed and my expectations have entirely dissipated so maybe now I can find something fun amongst its rubble? Am I just dooming myself to failure again? I'd say that staring at Taylor Kitsch here has never been a bad time in itself but my original reaction to JC proves that a fallacy. Anyway I am sure I will watch it soon, the need is weirdly nagging me, so I will report back. For now enjoy these new photos of Taylor, still gotting it, for Esquire -- I guess he's got some new projects coming out or something, who cares, hit the jump for the pictures...

I Am Link

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--- Queen Please - Ryan Murphy is making a new anthology show called Scream Queens that'll have a rotating setting and cast every season just like American Horror Story, and will have two female leads on "a college campus rocked by murders." And listen I love American Horror Story, y'all know this, and I think this season so far is turning out spectacularly, give or take a clown I don't find scary (it's all about Dandy for me; I want to be Dandy for Halloween I love him so), but Ryan Murphy I hope you were misquoted by EW when you said "We hope to create a whole new genre—comedy-horror" because WTF, you egomaniac.

---  Scare Scare Again - Yesterday there was news that The Conjuring sequel had been knocked out of its release date and people wondered what was up; today comes word that James Wan, the director of the first one (and the first two Insidious movies, which I prefer) who'd moved on to make the next Fast & Furious movie saying he was done with horror, is returning to make The Conjuring 2 after all. He says that taking a one-movie break reinvigorated his horror lust. Good, I am happy to have him back.

--- And Speaking of the Insidious films, Wan's co-writer Leigh Whannell is currently directing Insidious Chapter 3 and DH gathered up several behind-the-scenes pictures right here, with looks at Dermot Mulroney and the returning Lin Shaye. I haven't kept track of where they're taking the story so I have no idea what's happening but Leigh's looking adorable isn't he?

--- Return To Mars - Apparently Disney has let their rights to the John Carter of Mars stories expire after the disastrous performance of that first movie they effed all up, so Edgar Rice Burroughs' estate, who got the rights back, is saying they have every intention of trying to get more movies made. I don't think Taylor Kitsch should be expecting any phone calls, though.

--- Dark Cox - After the exquisite pain of not being able to see the Daredevil panel at New York Comic-Con set me off I am inching my way back towards my beloved Charlie Cox - representing today's baby step is this brief chat with him at THR about the show, and how dark it will be. Hopefully not so dark it doesn't take time to appreciate the finer, furrier things in life.
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--- Dream Weavers - I meant to include a link to Vulture's oral history of the original Nightmare on Elm Street movie this morning when I did my Nightmare post but ended up not really figuring out a way to squeeze it in to a post that was already longer than I intended; anyway the oral history had me cracking me up last night when I read it - love the director of the second (and gayest!) Elm Street movie popping up just long enough to call Harvey Weinstein a gargoyle! But my favorite quote, pretty much just because it's coming from Ronee Blakely and it allows me to picture Nancy's drunk mother saying it, is this one:

"It was difficult sometimes to eat lunch with Robert [Englund] because his makeup was so realistic. His brains were hanging out of his prosthetics."

--- Lizard Tears - IndieWire chatted with Juliette Binoche about some things, including the fact that Quentin Tarantino told her she made him cry while watching Godzilla. What I want to know is, why is Tarantino talking to Binoche? Movie, movie, movie! Put her in a movie, Quentin! Write a kick-ass Juliette Binoche movie right this minute!

--- Sundown Seconds - Hopefully I'll write my own thoughts up at some point but here's what our pal Glenn thought of the remake of The Town That Dreaded Sundown, which just came out this week. Spoiler alert: he loved it a whole bunch, a whooooole bunch, way more than I did, although I didn't hate it or anything by any means.

--- The Magic Word - I hadn't really been paying attention to the just released blu-ray set of Pee Wee's Playhouse because I already have the DVD set that came out a few years ago and figured that was plenty, but reading this interview with Paul Reubens (thanks Mac) has me second-guessing - it sounds like they did an amazing job cleaning it up better than it looked even when it aired. Paul also says an announcement on the Pee Wee movie he's been telling us is going to happen is "imminent" but dude's cried wolf so many times on this, I can't. I can't! This interview is already a couple of days old and nothing's been announced. I am waiting, Pee Wee.

Everything You Ever Need To Know About Life...

... you can learn from:

John Carter (2012)

Kantos Kan: Ah, Zodanga, where the men are as 

limited as the menu and woman are as hard as the beds. 

This might be the only time in history that somebody says that anybody has anything positive to learn from the John Carter movie, but really we're just here so's I can use the occasion of James Purefoy's 50th birthday to post a gratuitous gif or two of him, including a terrifically memorable shot from Rome that, looing through my Purefoy archives I see I've somehow never posted here. Shock, horror, et cetera, hit the jump...

TGT12: The Great Gratuities #10-6

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Okay-dokey, you can see all of the runners-up over here. You can see #20-16 here, and you can see #15-11 here. Next!

Joe Manganiello in Magic Mike - Top ten is surely nothing to sneeze at, yet I'm a little confounded myself that he's only this high and I'm the one that put him here. Maybe I was annoyed at all the Big Dick Richie talk with the little dick action? I'd argue most of his good stuff was only in the DVD extras but that argument deflates with what's coming further down this list so whatever. He's here, and he is a perfect thing.

Taylor Kitsch in John Carter, Battleship and Savages - Another case a la McConaughey of me being unable to step aside from the sheer volume of the year's gratuity from him - Taylor doesn't totally do it for me, but I know that's blasphemy to some of y'all. And he gets points taken off since they kept the shoulda-been-nekkid John Carter all dolled up in Martian straps. And he had the misfortune of showing off his ass, fine though it may be, only moments removed from an ass which causes angels to erupt into heavenly song (we're getting to that one soon). But you know. He's number nine. There must've been something I liked. Something!

Milo Ventimiglia in That's My Boy - Remember that skinny kid that was in The Gilmore Girls? Yeah me neither. Goddamn Milo has filled out, and out, and out, in all the exact right places. Too bad he's forced to flaunt it in shitty Adam Sandler comedies, but that's supposing that "badness" can attach itself to something so supple and divine as all that there. (see more here)

Alex Pettyfer in Magic Mike - That shot above? Is that the hottest shot in any movie this year? I think it might be the hottest shot in any movie this year. I can't really explain what it is about it that makes me go so crazy. Well the ass certainly helps. I guess it's his sleazy coyness. The whole generic "bad boy" thing is usually lost on me but Pettyfer really, really makes it work. I have posted that shot alone here at the blog like ten times already. It's in the right-hand column right now! It is perfect. But I think he's actually pretty great in Magic Mike all around. And around. Did I say round?

Zac Efron in The Paperboy - This movie is basically a paean to the sight of Zac Efron in tighty-whities. No wonder Macy Gray seemed so stoned all the time - she's high off of laundry detergent for all the underpants scrubbing she's got to do in that house. (Yeah that's why Macy Gray seems stoned.) But if you're gonna make a paean to something, Zac Efron in tighty-whities is pretty much a really really fine choice. Bonus points to Zac for super low-rise boxer briefs he sported in The Lucky One, and all that time he spent half-naked on his hotel balcony too. (More here and here and here.)

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poll by twiigs.com

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Coming up -- THE TOP FIVE!!!

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You Know Nothing, John Carter

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John Carter was so bad I couldn't even be bothered to shush the couple sitting in the row in front of me who had a conversation the entire movie. I'm a militant shusher, y'all. But the thought of proclaiming to the world with the shush that I really cared to hear the godforsaken dialogue coming out of these character's mouths was just too embarrassing to even consider. When the guy a few seats over from me turned on his iPhone at the three-quarter mark I almost leaned over and watched him play Angry Birds instead of bothering with the screen anymore.

This all makes me sad. I had high hopes for JC, and with all its negative box office attentions this week I'd hoped I'd be one of the people defending it, saying it's a misunderstood pop masterpiece. I love an epic outer space yarn filled with four armed aliens and the buxom men and lady-folk that fight them, love them, et cetera. When I heard they were finally making the film I ran out and read several of the books in anticipation - it always seemed like I should have read the books anyway, so this made a good excuse - and while I thought the first book was the weakest of the ones I read (I enjoyed the religion-bashing second book a bunch more) I figured all that could be straightened out on-screen once the political pronouncements and dopiness were streamlined and Burroughs' tendency to write action like, "And then Carter fought them, and he beat them good, next scene" could be filled in with, you know, actual scenes of cool fighting.

But good god is this thing plodding. And dopey, and god it's unattractive to look at. Garish and muddled and edited incomprehensibly. There's not a single action scene here that involved me. Taylor Kitsch looks good and looks better in less, but I'll be damned if I could tell you if he can act after this (I know, Friday Night Lights fans, I know). His accent is as wobbly as his triceps are firm - John is supposed to be Southern, not a Canadian Clint Eastwood. That's not the sort of thing I usually call attention to but it gets so thick at moments, his attempts to Southern him up - usually whenever his character being Southern is brought up - and then just vanishes for the rest of the time, that I can't not. The script does him no favors - the dialogue's thuddingly dull, even for someone who recently geeked out about Therns and the River Iss.

I will say I kind of liked Lynn Collins as Dejah Thoris - she gave some fire to the character - and Woola was cute. Ending it on some positive notes! Two itty bitty positive notes that are completely drowned out by an opera of failure otherwise.
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Another Friday Means...

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... another chance for me to ramble briefly about a bunch of movies I haven't seen over at Celebrity Beehive. This week it's John Carter of Mars and Friends With Kids and Silent House and Salmon Fishing in the Yemen and then some awful-looking Eddie Murphy movie that is apparently getting crapped out as well. Check it.

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Today's Fanboy Delusion

Today I'd rather be...

... giddyup yeehaw cowboy euphemisms 

gettalonglildoggy'ing with Taylor Kitsch.

You can see the full gallery of pics over at GQ; all that plus an interview I could have no less interest in reading. Don't get me wrong I am still very stoked to see John Carter (even though people I trust have said it's less than stoke-worthy), but I'm not gonna be able to see it until next week at least so I'm not allowing myself to be crazy about it right now. Hold off the stoke until applicable, it's better for my fragile constitution. In summation, those jeans are tight!

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I Am Link

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--- Get Roman - Some attractive young chap named Jamie Blackley - he kind of looks like James Franco? - has been cast in what they're calling the sort-of-lead-role in the sequel to 300. Mkay. I suppose he looks good in a leather diaper then? He seems kind of scrawny, and if that tattoo is real they will have some extensive CG work to do on him. Hmm. Not that they don't basically turn the men in the 300 movies into cartoons, I suppose.

Also at that link they say that Rodrigo Santoro's been confirmed for the film to reprise playing the giant golden weirdo Xerxes, which I can't remember having heard was happening before. I did love the sight of him in his big spangled underpants.

--- Spider Bum - There's a gallery of Amazing Spider-Man pictures over here and it has several shots of Andrew Garfield in the costume - assuming it's him in most of them since he's got the mask on - that I hadn't seen before which is, of course, always something worth looking at. Especially one of the least touched-up clearest HQ versions of the infamous bum shot that I have seen, seen there to the right. Click it to grow, and grow, and grow. I will never ever get tired of that.

--- Z Man - Teeny tiny human being Gael Garcia Bernal is going to don the littlest black cape and mask you ever did see to fight thimble-sized villains as the lead in a new version of Zorro. they're calling it "a futuristic reboot," so I guess they'll be robots he's fighting, or whatever. Teeny tiny robots. Coffee-makers, perhaps.

--- Red Ruffalo - I clicked on this link because it was about Gregg Araki's next movie (it's going to be "a twisted police-thriller" of all things, called The Womb; even though I enjoyed Kaboom, his return to his old sophomoric stomping grounds, it'll be good for Gregg to shake things up, I think) but the link also gave news on another movie that sounds interesting - something called Red Light Winter, which will star Mark Ruffalo and Billy Crudup as best friends (you have me already, movie) and Kirtsen Dunst as the prostitute between them. Hot!

--- Fassycentric - The screenwriter for the second X-Men Muppet Babies movie spoke to MTV News and told them that this new movie will be "Magneto-centric," and does that really surprise anybody? That the world would want to focus in on Michael Fassbender? I thought not. Let's just hope they keep those snug trousers he wore that one time around for a reboot of their own.

--- And finally, I hear that Disney is bracing themselves for a big flop with John Carter? That would be a shame, we wouldn't mind staring at Taylor Kitsch in his tattered little costume for several more movies. (Although I hope they realize that if they'd had him totally naked like he is in the books they wouldn't have to worry, they'd be having a five hundred billion dollar opening weekend.) Plus the second book is where the story gets seriously anti-religion, and I want to see Disney try to squirm out of that! Anyway there's a big new gallery of pictures from the movie right here - lots Kitsch-nips on display - and AICN has a couple new clips, and this one where JC meets alien-pup Woola is pretty amazing. And not just because it involves a lot of Kitsch writhing around in his tattered little costume.

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Hi Ho Hi Ho It's Off To Barsoom We Go

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I think Pixar and Co. must've taken the slightly lukewarm reaction to that first John Carter of Mars trailer to heart because they have brought out the big guns for this here second official trailer. And I mean it literally, as in there are very large guns, and I mean it slang-wise as well, as in Taylor Kitsch has very large, appealing muscles. Here's the trailer, see for yourself:

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I am excited now. And I mean excited as in the movie looks way super cool, and I mean it slang-wise, as in schwing. After the jump are a bunch of exceedingly hi-def screencaps of Taylor Kitsch in his loincloth (click 'em to grow). I maintain it's still too much clothing, but I suppose it will do. (Note: It will totally do.)

I Am Link

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--- Martian Man - Some more pictures from Pixar's John Carter of Mars movie hit the internet over the long weekend, and they give us a lil' more Taylor Kitsch beefcake to sink our teeth into. Not to mention Woola! All hail Woola.

--- Wiggin' Out - This is a week old but I never got around to linking - Glenn got to see Dolly Parton in concert, and it's just as splendid as you'd think. Bless her.

--- Foxy Lady - MNPP bud Jarett got to talk to the gal playing Foxface in The Hunger Games on a red carpet, and here is what she had to say about that. The movie, I mean.

--- Foster Cares - Over at The Film Experience Nat interviewed Ben Foster and he's about as reluctant an interview subject as you'd suppose him to be, but Nat gets some good stuff out of him. He's a big Melancholia fan, which I've been jonesing to see again something bad. I don't know if I'd be able to resist asking him to trot out his Freaks and Geeks character, and I don't think that would go over well.

--- In Or Out - This is non-news, but Colin Firth's confirmed sort of that he's considering the role of antagonist in Spike Lee's Oldboy movie, against Josh Brolin. But he hasn't made up his mind, or something.

--- Chopped - I can't even believe somebody even bothered to think through it enough to think that remaking the delightfully horrible but very very very much of its time Chopping Mall is a good idea. And they're not even keeping the robots! I mean, what's the point?

--- Oh Boy Byzantium - Neil Jordan is making a vampire movie starring Saoirse Ronan? Plus cutie Sam Riley? I am there.

--- Vagabond Shoes - I'm sure we'll be seeing dozens of these everywhere for the next couple of weeks as the film gets released, but for now here's a nice chat with Shame director Steve McQueen and Shame star Michael Fassbender over at AICN. I like the bit about Carey's "New York New York" moment. I'm dying to see the movie a second time.

--- Daisy Chains - And speaking of Carey Mulligan, here she is talking about being nervous herself to play an iconic character like Daisy Buchanan in Baz Luhrmann's Great Gatsby movie. I love her and I have high hopes for her performance, but she's right to be nervous about it. People have their knives out already.

--- Suited Up - Christopher Nolan finished shooting The Dark Knight Rises last week and THR got some words from Batman himself Christian Bale about hanging up the rubber suit. That's nice and all but what I'm noticing is how hot he's looking in the suit there. Have they done some alterations? Some sexy alterations? because I don't remember him looking that good in it before. It doesn't even need nipples.

--- And finally, Poltergeist II made Post-Mortem Depression angry. Very angry. Find out how angry at this link. It is a terrible movie (and not terrible-awesome like the third one), but I give it a lot of leeway for Kane and the tequila worm business which grossed/freaked me out as a kid hardcore.

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Pics of the Day

Oooh lots of new pictures from movies we've hot with anticipation for. First up, a new picture from The Hunger Games (via):

And then some pictures from Ridley Scott's Prometheus (via), including two of my favorite favorite people, Michael Fassbender and Charlize Theron:

But the most exciting I save for last - via EW here's a shot of half-naked Taylor Kitsch (although that's half too clothed, actually) and one of the white apes of Mars excuse me Barsoom in John Carter:

I didn't picture the apes being that big when I read the books.

I guess my imagination's just too small!

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Gratuitous Mark Strong

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You have seen Mark Strong in a movie. Recently even! He was McLovin's mobster dad in Kick-Ass. His plots were unraveled by Robert Downey Jr. in Sherlock Holmes. (At least I assume they were - I try not to see RDJ movies unless forced to... thanks Joss!)

He tore George Clooney's fingernails out in Syriana. He helped out Channing and Jamie Bell in The Eagle and he was the red-skinned Sinestro in Green Lantern (He previously caught my attention enough to post upon him there).

He was in Miss Pettigrew Lives For A Day and Robin Hood and RockNRolla and Sunshine. He's playing a bad guy in John Carter. (He plays a lot of bad guys, in case you haven't noticed.) And yet somehow I never remember who the hell he is. Maybe it's how he looks like Stanley Tucci one second and Andy Garcia the next, and then maybe like if Elias Koteas and Christopher Meloni and Nestor Carbonell had a three-way baby.

And you wanna know what I think the problem is? Why we can't keep him in our mind too firmly, that is? If my good long scouring of the internet's to be believed, Mark Strong has never done a nude scene. Never-nude alert! Now he's been around a long while so perhaps he has and it's just not gotten online yet, but it was like pulling teeth to even find a little shirtlessness! What the hell, Mark Strong? The time has come. The time is beyond come! Get with the program. Anyway it's his birthday today, and I gathered up the best I could. we'll have to make due, for now. See a bunch after the jump.

Mars Needs Hunks

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 Well that was quicker than expected - the John Carter Sans Mars trailer is here! Watch it over at Apple. I've watched it just the one time through now in order to grab these caps you'll see below and while I love all the Taylor Kitsch nipplage we're getting here I think I expected a slighter larger scope off the bat? I dunno, I guess they've still got thirty-two years until this thing is out and the big effects probably aren't finished yet and they'll blow us away later on down the road. For now though it introduces us to the story and the world well enough.I'm really just waiting for the second book to get filmed anyway. It's much better!

See 13 more pics after the jump!

I Am Link

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--- Hey Look - Channing Tatum shaved his head. I have no idea what it's for, if it's for a role or whatever, but I want to rub my hands (or you know, my whatever) all over it, I know that much.

--- Three Peeks - DH has descriptions of a few trailers we'll be seeing soon - namely The Dark Knight Rises (which is already leaked online in a crappy pirated version, I watched it this morning but the copy I saw's already gone so search around maybe you can still find it), The Amazing Spider-Man (which'll be shown at ComiCon, and excuse me while I groan at the apparent extensive inclusion of origin story in it - is there anyone on Earth who needs to see him get bitten by the spider at this point?), and the first trailer for John Carter Sans Mars (I think that's what I'm calling it from now on), which is supposedly showing up "with select copies" of Harry Potter this weekend. I better be seeing a "select" fucking copy then.

--- Future Man - There aren't any shots of Colin Farrell or any of the other actors in the Total Recall remake in these pictures from the film's now-shooting set, but there are some amusing looks at the costumes the police extras have to wear. Very TRON meets storm-trooper.

--- Latest Final - BD has a rather extensive (that's code for "I only skimmed it") set report from the latest Final Destination movie, which I am officially so excited for I could barf. As I say every time this franchise comes up, I hope I'm seeing new films from this series every other year for the rest of my life.

--- Suicide Laughs - I must've heard about this project earlier but forgotten - Kristen Wiig is teaming up with the filmmakers behind American Splendor to make a dark comedy about a girl who pretends to try to kill herself to win a dude back, a scheme which backfires and gets her sent to live with her estranged mother. This sounds like exactly what she should be doing, so I am there. It's also kind of reminiscent of the darker edges of Bridesmaids - that character was forced by sad circumstances to move home and deal with her mother too. I sense a theme! Kristen Wiig hates her mother.

--- Hero Boobs - This is my sort of literature! io9 gathered up all the examples of Marvel movie superhero men taking off their clothes that they could think of in one hot spot destination post. Chris Evans as Johnny Storm and Captain America, Chris Hemsworth as Thor, Hugh Jackman as Wolverine, they got them all oh wait they forgot a couple which I will now bitch about, that's right. Just off the top of my head they left off Thomas Jane as The Punisher, they left off Eric Bana in the first Hulk movie (although they do give love to Ed Norton in the last film), and they left off Daniel Cudmore as Colossus in X2.

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Quote of the Day

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The lucky a-holes of io9 got to visit the post-production oasis for John Carter, aka A Princess of Mars, Pixar's live-action adaptation of the first book of Edgar Rice Burrough's sci-fi genre building series, and have filed a terrifically detailed report from there, along with a decent amount of conversation with director Andrew Stanton. They've seen the trailer, they've seen Woola and the Tharks and Dejah Thoris doing a slutty shimmy no doubt (harlot). I liked this bit from Stanton:

"Tharks are 9-foot to 10-foot tall green aliens with four arms and tusks. They're all CG, so I went with my Pixar gut and experience, and got actors because of their eyes, their voice, and their acting ability. That's all that's going to be left when all of this is said and done. Those are three things that can translate directly to the animated characters, once they're portrayed there. I got Willem Dafoe and Samantha Morton, and this is what I asked them to do, which was to be on stilts with gray pajamas on, with face cams in 100-degree heat. That's how I sold it. I didn't know how else to get around this issue. I said, "How would you like to wear gray pajamas and be on stilts and wear face cams and stand in 100 degree heat in the desert for six months or three months?" They said, "Where do I sign?""

I have a feeling that Samantha Morton walks around on stilts in gray pajamas when she's in her backyard so this probably wasn't even weird for her. That's why we love her! (And now that I think about it, the same goes for Willem Dafoe as well. What a bunch of weirdos!)

Oh and I should mention this revelation also from the article, since it's been a question I've maintained since the beginning with this project - Taylor Kitsch is not I repeat NOT wearing only a leather thong the whole movie. Cheats! Scroundrels! Thong-stripping hooligans! Boo! BOO! (image via)

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