Query About My Nose

Yesterday's scores:

• Gills: no
• Simpsons: yes, 3 times!
• Tesco: no
• Nose Hugs Surprizisity Score: still suspendid
• Day Score: 7.201/10

HULLO NOT-A-BEARS!

I hav reseeved a query about my nose from sum cuzzins ov mine in Ostraylia:

Dear Bob
Why have yer’ got a national flag stuck on ter’ end of yer’
nose… if yer’ goin’ ter’ stick a flag on the end of yer’ hooter’ yer’ should
think about puttin’ the best flag on it .. that being gods own country a land of
freedom and lots of chicky bears…… that bein’ auzz-tray- lia…… amen…

Good day mate.

Bear and duck…. Tamworth NSW… gods country.

Hmm. Well, take a look at this graduayshon photo ov me an sum ov my class at spy skool:

(I'm the hansum wun on the right.) As yu can see we all hav diffrent flags on our noses. These represent the familes we infiltrate. My nose has Ire-Land on it so I got a Daddy wiv Ire-Land on his passport too. It's all to do wiv our mishons, ov which I carn't tell yu much, as yu know, cos if I did I wud hav to kill yu.

Our other badges say "FIFA 2002". This is our year of graduayshun an stands for "Federashun of International Furry Agents".

As fer yor suggestion about Ostraylia, I'm not so shor it's that grayte there. My mummy's been there and sed it was too hot and full ov spiders. AND yu don't get Marmite spread. Mmmm yum..... an is it really God's country if it's the home of the deseetful koala not-a-bear? That's bordering on sacrilege my fellow! Enyway I don't think God wud choose a country that duzzent sell Choklit Hobnobs.....mmm......I'm off fer a gud ol cup ov tea wiv sum gud ol British biskits to dunk in it.

Bye fer now!

Identifying yor Bear

Yesterday's scores:

• Gills: no
• Simpsons: yes
• Tesco: yes
• Nose Hugs Surprizisity Score: 6/10
• Day Score: 8/10
  

HULLO NOT-A-BEARS!

Now a word on identyfying yor bear:

I don't mean "Oh look! Dits my bear!" and if eny ov yu say that yor not payin enuff attenshun to yor bear an probly don't diserve to hav wun. No. I mean the ferst essenshol task of bear identyfikayshun:

is it real?

Well the method of identyfikashun of a bear's realness is so good it werks for most not-a-bears too, (you'll waste a lot of yor life if yu try it on a fish, for instance).

This is it: yu ask, HAS IT GOT KNEES? If it has, yu hav a real bear. There are a lot ov kwite convinsing lookin bears around, even in the best bear adopshun centres (or 'shops' as not-a-bears so offen insultingly call dem). Reelly they are there just to mayke up the numbers, or as decoys for we spy-bears.

> many ov deez Bears an Not-A-Bears ar real, but they are awl over-doing the Bed Rule.

(see 29/09/06 "Bear Rules" for mor on dis)

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Next, how to tell if yor bear is a spy:

Obviously, we bears make exerlent spys. I mean, hoo wud suspect a bear in yor howse? Even if it haddont been there wen yu went out, yu still wuddent suspect enything. Yu'd think, ahhhh.... sumwun brort me a bear, how nyce! So there, yu see.

Well if yor bear is a spy he'll hav this wun essenshol feeture: he will alwayz hav one ear forward an one ear bak. (This means he is reddy fer awl evenchewalitys.)

A werd ov WARNING though: do NOT under eny sercumstanses try to get yor bear to tell yu HOO he is a spy FOR. If yu catch him off gard, or do tickle torcher, an he tells yu, HE WILL HAFF TO KILL YU.

Got that? Ok.