Showing posts with label tales from the crypt. Show all posts
Showing posts with label tales from the crypt. Show all posts

Monday, December 23, 2013

Snoop Doggy Bones


Aside from directing episodes of some of television's best shows, Ernest R. Dickerson is a filmmaker with two outstandingly fun credits to his name: the Billy Zanetastic Tales From the Crypt Presents Demon Knight and the all-star Most Dangerous Game blast Surviving the Game


The man has a nice touch.

Quick Plot: A group of industrious teenagers decide to turn a long-abandoned slum house into a hip and hopping nightclub. What they don't know is that said facility was once the home of Jimmy Bones, a man who ruled the '70s with pimp style and a heart of gold. 

Sadly for the community, Jimmy was murdered by some crooked cops and aggressive drug dealers, leaving his neighborhood to crumble and the love of his life (Pam Motherf*cking Grier) alone with a daughter that grows up to be none other than the terrifyingly ageless, deadly expressionless Bianca Lawson.


Can we talk about Bianca Lawson for a moment? Most folks would recognize her as Kendra Dee Vamp-ir Slayer, aka the Blight On Buffy Season 2. Young'ns might identify Lawson as Maya, the bisexual teenager who helps Emily Fields come out on ABC Family Channel's Pretty Little Liars (not that I, a 31 year old woman, watch it or anything...). 


Even if you aren't a fan of a YA-series-based television show that values fashion as much as mystery, you have to be able to appreciate the fact that this mediocre-to-dull actress is still playing a teenager nearly 20 years after giving Sarah Michelle Gellar a (thankfully) temporary sidekick. 


End of my 'Biance Lawson Is Probably a Vampire' theorizing. 

Time to start the 'Pam Grier Just Keeps Getting More Awesome' lecture-


Actually, I guess we can get back to the movie. Which sadly now much lead to the 'Snoop Dogg Is Fine When He's Not Talking' sigh. Especially when the talking involves rhymes. Or rhyme-ishes, whichever.


Bones, you see, has been laying undisturbed in the slum building-soon-to-be-turned-into-a-happening-nightclub. When the teens move their equipment in, they accidentally resurrect Jimmy (or a dog does it; I'm not that observant really) who now, in his supernatural ghost spirit form, is ready to wreak revenge on his killers. Those who get in the way are simply collateral damage.


Far from a great film, Bones is a surprising amount of fun once it finds its foothold in its blacksploitation roots. While the modern teen stuff meanders, the adult cast (many with strong '70s roots like the divine Ms. Grier) helps to keep the tone refreshingly throwback. Like some of Dickerson's other work, Bones wobbles over the line of horror and comedy, and would probably have benefited from committing stronger to the latter. By the time Snoop Dogg is holding the decapitated but still smack talking head of his enemy, Bones has made its decision.


High Points
Sometimes, just existing is something special. In this case, who'dve thunk to make a blaxsploitation-inspired horror comedy in 2001?


Low Points
Ah, 2001, a time when practical effects were occasionally still celebrated, making the simultaneous use of atrociously dated CGI all the more glaring

Lessons Learned
Cigarette lighters provide about the same amount of light as turning on a switch

Some holes just can’t be filled

Nothing is quite as flammable as a polyester dress from the 1970s


A gangsta of love don’t eat no fried chicken (when a CGI human-faced dog says it, you know it's true)

Speaking of Pretty Little Liars, did you know that four can keep a secret if three of them are dead?


Look! It's-
American Mary herself, Katharine Isabelle in a fairly wasted role as the hero’s stepsister


Rent/Bury/Buy
To my knowledge, Bones had a pretty bad reputation as being laughable. While Snoop Dogg trying to act is kind of ALWAYS laughable, the film itself is a perfectly fun time, and those with affection for blaxsploitation will find a lot of little bonuses to enjoy.

Monday, September 9, 2013

If a Tale From the Crypt Doesn't Have a Cryptkeeper, THEN WHAT IS IT?


PEOPLE! Are you aware that in 2001, Jennifer Grey, Craig Sheffer, and Tim 'Best Actor of All Things Ever' Curry starred in a Tales From the Crypt movie? A TALES FROM THE CRYPT MOVIE?

Now before you go a'swoonin, I have some bad, bad news.

This is not really a Tales From the Crypt movie.

But words don't lie! you shout with fervor, jabbing your pointing finger to the dreadklocked Cryptkeeper looking over the cover art's action. See? The movie is called Ritual and it's clearly Jamaican based and hence, THE CRYPTKEEPER HAS DREADLOCKS! Surely he'll open the film wearing a happy face t-shirt while making some inappropriate jokes about ganja and adding t's to all his words. I mean, THAT'S WHAT TALES FROM THE CRYPT MEANS.

Unless the year is 2001 and Miramax was scared off by Bordello of Blood's poor box office performance, thusly removing all references to the Cryptkeeper from  A TALES FROM THE CRYPT MOVIE.

Not that I'm bitter about that or anything...


Quick Plot: A gooey opening scene in Jamaica gives us an incredible melting character actor investigating the mysterious illness that befell his patient, rich land owner Wesley Claybourne. But then he melts.



And we still haven't had a Cryptkeeper pun.

Back in the U.S., Dr. Alice Dodgson (aka Nobody Puts Baby In the Corner With a New Nose) attempts to save a dying young patient with experimental medication, losing the kid's life and her medical license in the process. Jobless, she accepts the now vacant role of personal physical to the aforementioned Wesley on a sprawling Jamaican plantation as ratlike older brother Julian (Nightbreed's Craig Sheffer) looks on suspiciously.



Helping out is Caro, the Claybourne's sexy childhood friend, and Jennifer Grey's Left and Right Nipple, which should have at the very least earned their SAG card for the amount of work they have to do under a tight white camisole. You know what else works hard? Dream sequences. All 972 of them.



See, there's an art and craft to using the 'shock! scare! dead main character! oh, it's all a dream!' trick. When handled correctly, it's an outstanding little device that almost every basic horror movie requires. On the other hand, when about 40% of your film's running time is composed of said 'shock! scare! dead main character! oh, it's all a dream!' sequences, they lose their power rather quickly. This is especially evident when Nobody Puts Baby's Prominent Nipples In the Corner With a New Nose recaps her most recent nightmare with the line "I just had the most horrifyingly real dream of my life!" Just try to watch that scene and not respond "as opposed to the 12 other horrifyingly real dreams we've witnessed?"



That being said, Ritual isn't a terrible movie. Filmed on location in Jamaica, it looks gorgeous, and the actors are all more than adequate. Does it feel like a Tales From the Crypt episode? Somewhat. Greedy characters get their karmic slap, bodies get melted or zombified, breasts get displayed and jungles get trod upon.



But the puns? Ah, what I wouldn't do for a pun...

High Points
If nothing else, this movie includes copious doses of Tim Curry petting cats and making lecherous smiles at women. That in itself sort of puts this into the 10 range



Low Points
Aside from the obvious--THIS IS A TALES FROM THE CRYPT MOVIE WITH NO CRYPT--Ritual ends on the sourest, meanest, most unnecessarily misogynist note that in no way was warranted by its otherwise fine 100 minutes. I was absolutely disgusted by the final shot of this film. Now one could argue that it's the usual comeuppance doled out by any Crypt morality tale, but it's not really the case. Let's get into SPOILERY specifics:



So the villain is, in a worthy twist, revealed to be Caro. It's fine for her fate to be zombiehood, since she was planning on doing the same to her friends, but then Ritual decides to get playful by showing her as a zombie bride being lain on a bed by the film's OTHER still-living villain, a corrupt and cruel policeman whom she had previously insulted for being fat. So as punishment, she'll get to spend the rest of his life being raped. He, keep in mind, was as much of, if not MORE of a villain (WHO KILLED TIM CURRY DAMNIT) but you know, he's fine. I understand the idea of throwing in a final punch, but this one is so miscalculated that it almost ruined the otherwise unoffensive and slightly entertaining film on the whole.


Lessons Learned
Everyone in Jamaica carries machetes for work and protection

Voodoo is like disco, but with less poom poom



It is customary for hospitals to fire surgeons via snail mail

If naming a character Wesley, consider how the line "As you wish" might sound and whether you're looking for a Princess Bride reference in your voodoo zombie horror movie


Bonus Material
As I watched this on Netflix Instant, I was denied the apparently extra of the Cryptkeeper segment tagged onto the DVD. HOWEVER, IMDB has kindly provided the dialogue spoken by everyone's favorite ghoul on the quotations page for Ritual. Do yourself a favor and take a look. It's oozing with mons and is written phonetically. 


The Internet is a wonderful place.

Look! It's...
Everyone's favorite Pennsylvanian insurance salesman/Glee sex offender Stephen Tobolowsky in a small role as Alice's boss


Rent/Bury/Buy
If you're looking for some throwback Tales From the Crypt action, then Ritual really isn't it. That being said, those in the mood for some voodoo horror along the lines of The Serpent and the Rainbow or, as the credits claim as a basis, I Walked With a Zombie will find plenty to enjoy. The story and characters are better thought-out than a lot of other straight-past-your-cineplex offerings, and there's an added bonus of pretty people and pretty kickass practical effects. Plus, Tim Curry petting a cat while being smarmy. 


That's all this gal needs.