Who's That Knocking At My Door? IT'S SHAKMA

Can you believe it's been almost a decade since I last added a monkey to February's rotation of The Shortening? 

It's not that I don't love monkeys on film: quite the opposite, especially if they're wearing clothes and doing things better than humans. No, the reason I tend to stay back on simian cinema is because, well, like I said: I LOVE MONKEYS, and if you're going to cast one as a horror villain, there's a good chance I'll have to watch it go through a lot of pain. WHO NEEDS A MONKEY IN PAIN I ASK?

Still, Shakma's been circling my queue for years. Finally, the time had come. 

Quick Plot: Sam (a curl-less Christopher Atkins) is a promising med student who likes to spend his Friday nights LARP'ing with his friends and professor, Dr. Sorensen (a slumming, but always committed Roddy McDowall). Joining are his girlfriend Tracy (Nightmare on Elm Street's Amanda Wyss) and a few of his classmates, including, as Shudder's subtitles so kindly describe, this guy:

Sadly, the game starts in a dour mood because Sam's favorite baboon test subject Shakma reacts poorly to an experimental injection, leading Sorensen to order his euthanasia. Richard, everyone's least favorite classmate, forgets to finish the job. 

With money and pride on the line, the game is on. Sorensen monitors the action via a computer program and walkie talkie communication with the players, who wander the almost-empty medical school halls without fear of being caught. After all, they've disabled the alarms and sealed off the exits in order to not call any attention to their against-the-rules antics. What could possibly go wrong? 

Obviously, SHAKMA!

Awake and pissed, our small but mighty monkey goes on a tear, leaping at his prey and attacking with more power than anyone would expect from a cute primate who barely reaches the average adult's knees. It's cute! 

For a while. 

I can't think of another horror movie that combines LARP'ing with homicidal baboons, so that's certainly a win. Unfortunately, co-directors Hugh Parks and Tom Logan seem to run out of ideas after those first two. Once the students discover Shakma's on a murder spree, every beat is basically the same: character unwittingly walks into a room and is mauled by Shakma, or character runs away and locks a door just before Shakma can leap his way inside. 

Adorable!...

the first three times. But then there are three more. 

At least, I stopped counting when I realized this was what most of this movie would be. It doesn't help that Atkins' Sam is kind of a jerk as a leading man. The film opens with him joking about the horrors of feminism, and I guess there's some attempt to set him up as an alpha male at primordial war with the creature he once cared for. But when done clumsily, it just means your hero is less likable than the wronged primate slasher scratching the eyes out of his friends.

High Points

If you're making a movie about an angry baboon on the hunt, you better find a way to elevate that intensity with some proper angry synth scoring, and thankfully, composer David C. Williams brings it

Low Points

There's a lot of fun in Shakma's baboon-on-the-hunt antics, but as I said, about 80% of the scare scenes end with a character rushing to close and lock a door before the little guy can get there. It gets a bit stale after the 356th time

Lessons Learned

Sensitive doctors don't make much money

Engineers may have promising financial futures, but their bandaging skills leave something to be desired

Culture is best defined as the knowledge you have of your romantic partner's family

Rent/Bury/Buy

If you're a completist when it comes to movies about babboons murdering LARP'ing college students, then you know, Shakma can't be missed. It does have an appeal outside of that very tight demographic in how unusual its premise feels (coupled well with the utter 1990ness of it all) but ultimately, Shakma turns stale quickly. 

Monkey Butler!

There are two ways to instantly convince me to bump any movie up my Netflix queue: remind me that it costars Terence Stamp or that its titular character is an orangutang butler. The two are equally appealing in my eyes. Toss in the fact that an orangutang butler qualifies for The Shortening and why WOULDN'T I be watching 1986's Link?

Quick Plot: A plucky zoology major named Jane talks her way into being the assistant for a leading animal researcher Dr. Philip, offering to clean his gorgeously secluded country manor while he studies a trio of chimpanzees. Or orangutangs. Or orangutangs dyed to look like chimpanzees. 

It's all very confusing, in much the same way that Rob Marshall cast Chinese actresses to play Japanese women speaking broken English in Memoirs of a Geisha.

Back to the orangutang butler--

Wait, I didn't even TELL you about the orangutang butler? Where are my manners! Remind me to hire a butler that can school me on such things.

At Dr. Philip's castle, Jane grows close to the simian charges, particularly the titular 45-year-old Link, probably because even It Girls of the '80s couldn't resist a monkey in a tuxedo. It's a timeless look on any species.

Dr. Philip, on the other hand, CAN resist a monkey in a tuxedo and plans on unloading Link, dead or alive, to the most convenient bidder. Before he has a chance to get an estimate, his caged charges ominously surround him as the film cuts away, leaving Jane wondering where her boss went. The rest of the film is essentially a cat and mouse game as Jane discovers the lovable house servant might have crossed over into eviiiiiiiiiil territory. She's helped out in this endeavor by a more lovable oranutanzee named Imp and an intensely electric late '80s era musical score by Jerry Goldsmith.

Link is one of those titles that randomly pops up on cult movie lists, and while it's ultimately somewhat dull, I can also see why film fans would want to talk about it. Shue was in her post-Karate Kid glory and just one year away from landing some extraordinary Adventures In Babysitting, while intelligent monkeys were charming human society by talking to kittens. Add in the almost Labyrinth-ian music and you have the kind of film with its date all but watermarked under every reel.

As an artifact of a certain time, Link is certainly unique. Directed by Patrick's Richard Franklin, the film overcomes the seemingly impossible task of making trapped in a beautiful countryside manor with a tuxedo-wearing monkey a frightening affair. Unfortunately, it's also rather boring. Shue makes a sympathetic stalkee, but 45 minutes of her eluding a silent chimpazangutang isn't the most compelling viewing. Yes, even with an awkward shower scene that has a presumably naked (but not for the audience, sorry boys) Shue staring into Link's expressively wandering eyes, Link is just kind of a snore.

But it goes without saying that it earns a million bonus points for heavily featuring a monkey in a tuxedo.

High Points
Did I mention that the monkey wears a tuxedo?

Low Points
Zzzzzzzz

Lessons Learned
Monkeys can’t smoke cigars!

Being female gives one a genetic aptitude towards cooking and cleaning

Don’t cook phones. Seriously, don't COOK PHONES

Stray Emily Fantasy Alert
I find Terence Stamp to be incredibly sexy. The same can be said for Michael Crazy Is As Crazy Does Shannon. Do I just have some weird fetish for men chosen to play General Zod, or is this a common female condition?

Rent/Bury/Buy
Link is a strange film, but it's also too slight to really be any good. After the initial thrill of watching a well-dressed orangutang carry Elizabeth Shue's luggage up to her room wears off, there's really not enough to keep you intrigued. Formal wear animal completists will want to take a peak, but the rest of you can probably get everything they need out of this image:

More Animals! More Doing Stuff!

We’re just a wonder and cop dog away from closing out Animals Doing Human Stuff Month here at the Dog—er, Doll’s House, but let’s make a puppy (& monkey) play date out of today for a quick three-stop field trip!

First, grab a handful of quarters to enter the Dollar Theater Massacre, where blogger Eric has found what might be the pick of the litter when it comes to Dogs Doing Human Stuff cinema: My Ghost Dog. 

Apparently, this movie has Nazis, violence to teen groins, a child who causes everyone he cares about to die, dated Michael Jordan references, and bullies paid back in a vat of acid. Now while Eric may not have been impressed (like Ghost Cat, it would seem My Ghost Dog needed more ghost dog), his review is hilarious and incredibly enticing. Thankfully, Eric spares me the drive to throw My Ghost Dog on the already packed queue because he kindly compiled a truly fantastic little clip reel that captures the film’s greatest--and they are GREAT--moments.

Quite possibly, the best 6 minutes of your life.

For those who need a little more of the monkey kingdom in their lives (i.e., everyone), Wayne Kotke, our favorite living impaired blogger, covered the 1978 documentary Koko: A Talking Gorilla. According to Wayne, this movie includes both gorillas wearing makeup AND nerdy scientists with Prince Valiant haircuts. 

I dare you to try and stop me from watching this.

While you’re there, be sure to skim through Wayne’s archives. You’ll never think of Ziggy quite the same way.

What’s that? You want MORE monkeys? Of course you do! That’s why the esteemed Thomas Duke of Cinema Gonzo is on hand with Spymate, a little straight-to-DVD film featuring pre-Screfourem’s Emma Roberts and more importantly, a superspy chimp. A superspy chimp that, if Sir Duke is to be believed, can wield a jet pack, skateboard, snowboard, AND has control of martial arts. Oh, and did we mention Pat THE KARATE DOG Morita has a small role?

And that it has a chimp using a jet pack. Seriously, what more could you possibly want?

Nothing that I can think of. I could die now and come back as a ghost dog tomorrow and feel satisfied with all the Animals Doing Human Stuff movies the world has been given by unexceptional directors, C-list actors, and in general, the nation of Canada. I strongly encourage you all to check out the three aforementioned gentlemen’s posts for some great laughs and even, aws. Because c’mon! Look at that:

And that:

And really, just...c’mon! 

Ladies & Gentlemen, The President...and a chimpanzee dressed like a cowboy

Arnold Schwarzenegger seriously screwed up any chance I have at writing an effective intro to Bedtime For Bonzo, the 1951 comedy wherein Future President Ronald Reagan plays papa to a chimpanzee who wears human clothing. I wanted to make a great point about how anyone born past a certain point of familiarity with Reagan as an actor can’t help but be completely fascinated and even dubious that a man who once made a living mugging onscreen with a well-trained chimp would later go on to become one of the most powerful humans in the world

See, in the old days—but post Reagan as an actor, so not THAT old days—the biggest performance we’d get out of our politicians was their baby kissing or tax questions tap dancing or the juggernaut saxophone performance and failed spelling bee of the ’92 election. Our politicians were former lawyers turned public speakers who lived in suits and permanent smiles. They weren’t movie stars.

Then a man who once played a pregnant male scientist, futuristic robot, and Danny DeVito’s twin brother became governor and everything relevant to Bedtime For Bonzo changed forever. 

At least for my generation.

Quick Plot: Peter is an up and coming psychologist engaged to the stuffy word generally reserved for female dogs daughter of his boss. When his future father-in-law learns that Peter’s own pops was a convict, the wedding is called off and Stuffy Word Generally Reserved For Female Dogs seems okay with that. Not overly happy, but more “okay, we’ll just wait til Father rethinks this,” rather than “I love you and support you and will try to change my father’s mind.”

For whatever reason, Peter decides to fight for his rather apathetic fiancee’s approval the way any future president would:

Befriending a monkey.

It’s a little more complicated than that, I suppose. In addition to wanting to marry an awful woman, Peter is keen on proving his theory of nurture over nature and what better way to do so than to train a wily chimp in the ways of a good and pure nuclear family? Thusly does he embark on hiring a mama—who conveniently enough is a sugar sweet young lady who seems poised to play the foil of his beloved at every turn—and begin daily routines of a healthy breakfast, kissing mama before leaving for work, and of course, putting Bonzo to bed.

Naturally, a series of misunderstandings leads to a second broken engagement, arrest, chimp dressed like a cowboy, job loss, chimp sale, burglary, chimp in glasses, and love triangle, that last of which is egged on by Peter’s partner, a foreign scientist who might actually be cinema’s classiest pimp. This being a 1954 family comedy, all ends well, even if not every member of the cast rides off into the sunset wearing a seatbelt.

High Points

I’m not necessarily keen on the man’s politics or his understanding of the food pyramid, but future president Ronald Reagan is actually quite likable in the lead role, even when being engaged to a total snob

Low Points

Surprisingly enough, there isn’t that much drama or intrigue to be found inside a film about a psychologist trying to train a chimpanzee

Lessons Learned

Almost 23 is not so young

A papa should tell a mama when he’s almost engaged to someone

You can’t be a dope without a college degree

Hearing the future president shout “You’ve got to help me find my monkey!” makes me realize how no man can repeatedly say ‘monkey’ without sounding weird. It’s not just you, Harvey Keitel!

Standard Animals Doing Human Stuff Trope Tally

New Kid In Town: X

Recent Dead or Divorced Parent: X

Montage: X. Although there is a prolonged musical sequence involving the monkey on a bicycle, which is sort of the older generation’s version of a montage.

New Friendship: Check

Potentially Inappropriate ‘Friendship’ Between Child & Unrelated Adult (Human): X. 

Evil Corporate Enemy: Check. Heads of universities make for formidable villains

Original Song: X

Bully Comeuppance: X 

Small Town Values: X

Back To Nature Moral: X

Overall Score: 2/10. I guess the tropes have an expiration date after all

Rent/Bury/Buy

Having never seen Ronald Reagan act in a film, Bedtime For Bonzo was certainly an experience of sorts. It’s not every day you watch a future world leader cradle a chimpanzee in his arms and feed it with a baby bottle. Reagan apparently despises this film, which somehow makes the whole thing that much more amusing. Kind of like thinking ketchup would be a good serving of vegetables for the youth of America...

Bad Lieutenant 's Naughty Monkey

In queuing up 1994’s Monkey Trouble, I was really looking for two things:

-The monkey to wear a variety of hats

-Harvey Keitel to dress like a pirate and run through the beaches of Florida shouting “That’s my monkey!” with a vaguely European accent.

I received both.

Quick Plot: Young Eva (pronounced “Eh-va,” which is just annoying) longs to own a dog, but her square of a mom (Mimi Rogers) refuses due to Eh-va’s irresponsibleness, her stepfather’s allergies, and baby brother’s existence. Devastated not to have anything noteworthy to present at next month’s Show & Tell, Eh-va wanders the sidewalk in sadness only to befriend Sticky Fingers (pre-Mallrats, this just meant thieving), a runaway carpaccio monkey trying to escape the life of crime he’s thus far lived with Harvey Keitel’s pickpocket street performer.

Really, that’s all one needs. Monkey Trouble, much like Air Bud: Seventh Inning Fetch, suffers a little from too polished a final product. The young Thora Birch is perfectly apt at playing a bratty but vaguely sympathetic tween, and while the idea of a kleptomaniac monkey seems fraught with wonders, it never really leads to any truly wacky shenanigans. 

Although fear not, Ed fans: we get monkey piss and farts 21 and 23 minutes in, respectively.

Also, we get pirate Harvey Keitel hamming it up like there was a sale on pork rinds. With blackened teeth and a Jack Sparrow wardrobe, the man gives Jon Karate Dog Voight a run for his immediately cashed paycheck and without it, Monkey Trouble would probably be insufferable, even with the occasional white boy rap group and adorable monkey wearing monkey pants. 

High Points

Did I mention that Harvey Keitel plays a petty thief dressed like a pirate with a pet monkey and bad accent?

Low Points

Did I mention that stuff happens in this film that does not include Harvey Keitel plays a petty thief dressed like a pirate with a pet monkey and bad accent?

Lessons Learned

Most pirates in the Caribbean are retired and own restaurants

All monkeys are afraid of snakes 

Even a monkey can appreciate the versatile use of a caboodle

Stray Observations

I understand mom is busy with a toddler, but shouldn’t she make mention of the fact that her 11 year old daughter draws with all the skill of a dyslexic infant with a crayon stuck to its foot?

The Winning Line

“What have you done to my monkey sweetheart?”

Because it’s Harvey Keitel asking this question to a little girl, and it’s fabulous

Standard Animals Doing Human Stuff Trope Checklist

New Kid In Town: X

Recent Dead or Divorced Parent: Check

Montage: Damn you, X

New Friendship: Check

Potentially Inappropriate ‘Friendship’ Between Child & Unrelated Adult (Human): X. It's more 'inappropriate enemyship between young Thora Birch and pirate Harvey Keitel'

Evil Corporate Enemy: X

Original Song: X

Bully Comeuppance: X

Small Town Values: X

Back To Nature Moral: X. 

Overall Score: 2.5/10 

Disappointment everywhere!

A-Paws Meter

Meh. Harvey Keitel fans will certainly get their money’s worth (though sans typical Harvey Keitel money shot fans have come to expect from the often nude actor) and those who just really dig monkeys wearing tassled vests, Bermuda shorts, diapers, and backwards baseball caps might indeed find lots to love. For me, Monkey Trouble just didn’t have the full flavored cheese I’ve come to love in Animals Doing Human Stuff cinema.