All Of Them Busty Witches

Considering I generally find Netflix’s ‘erotic thrillers’ hilarious (see: Blood Gnome) I couldn’t think of any reason NOT to watch Witch’s Sabbath.

None. At. Atll.

Quick Plot: A coven of witches led by the artificially large chested Auriana (the fairly amazingly named Syn DeVil) run a well-lit strip club to lure its patrons into an after party held at a private mansion. Once there, randy men and their occasionally bored girlfriends get their faces clawed off and souls sent to Satan as their blood spurts all over naked porn stars like...well...you know.

But they get to see boobs! LOTS of them! Real ones, fake ones, ones wrapped in black leather, ones thinly veiled by fishnet, ones awkwardly coddled by unattractive men...

Yup, as I often find myself saying here, I don’t know that I was the target audience for this film.

And yet...and yet...I actually found myself enjoying Witch’s Sabbath, poorly punctuated title be damned. Though it’s about as sexy as a podiatrist’s waiting room, the film has a genuinely fun spirit about itself and far more energetic performances than you’d find in most of the cast’s back catalog (including porn star Lisa Sparxxx, whose credits include the phenomenally titled Ass Good Ass It Gets, MILF Busters, and the fifth entry in the My Hot Wife Is Fucking Blackzilla! franchise). Even Ron Jeremy shows up for a “special appearance” playing a bible salesman who occasionally dips into a southern accent because, you know, that’s what a bible salesman does. Also, his name is Craven Moorehead which...let’s face it, is amusing.

As the witches amass their collection of souls to feed to the land-bound octopus they call Satan, we switch to the sunnier side of town to meet Eliza, a selectively intelligent blond whose boyfriend likes to play wacky non-sex games such as wearing a black ski cap and sneaking outside her window for kicks. 

No seriously, it’s not a sex thing.

Eliza and her doofy boyfriend Seth decide to visit his favorite strip club along with his never-been-kissed best friend and a poor soul of a blind date. The foursome get a private invite to--whaddya know--a Halloween party at Auriana’s mansion where body limbs fly, ugly leopard print plastic raincoats get stained, and secrets are revealed.

Also, we see more boobs. But you knew that already.

High Points

It’s no secret that I’m a crazy cat lady in training, so the fact that Witch’s Sabbath took the trouble to actually cast and zoom in on a kitten for the all important line “Travis can’t speak right now. My cat has his tongue!” is well appreciated by me

For a cheaply made nudie-horror, Witch’s Sabbath sure put a lot of energy into its gore, and it shows. Sure, some of the severed heads look straight off a Spencer’s Gifts shelf, but there are some gooily great blood squirtings that shows the filmmakers were far more ambitious than something like, say, Santa Claws

Low Points

I get director Jeff Leroy wasn’t thinking of me, a straight woman, while making this film, but does that HAVE to mean that the men get to watch Playboy knockoff centerfolds and I get...well...Ron Jeremy?

Lessons Learned

You can’t break a cop’s wrist! (except you totally can)

Politely applauding at a strip club is also known as getting out of control

Asking “Who’s there? Please, if there’s someone out there, just go away,” when you suspect a prowler is outside your window will most likely not get the results you’re looking for

Remember, Travis plans on getting laid tonight

The going rate for convincing your friend to accepting a blind date with a socially incompetent creep? One pair of earrings

The Winning Line

“Where you going? Crazy ass witch with titties.”

I wonder so hard how many takes it took for the actor to say this without cracking up. I don’t think I can count that high

Credits Curiosity

The opening credits boast a “special appearance by Ron Jeremy,” prompting me to wonder: is that really so special? Doesn’t that guy show up to the opening of a Subway restaurant or pizza buffet?

Rent/Bury/Buy

For a softcore horror porn, Witch’s Sabbath is surprisingly entertaining. Most of the performances are quite sunny and the gore is as satisfying as any low budget gross-out. I wouldn’t recommend putting any money or energy towards it, but as an Instant Watch, it’s not the worst way to kill 83 minutes when NBC decides to show reruns of its shows one month into the fall season. This is why I try to limit my television watching.

Especially when I could just observe the weirdness of veiny fake boobs.

Nilbog Is Gil Bellows Spelled Backwards? Oh My Godddddddddddd!

I didn't watch 2010's Goblin because it starred the on-a-straight-to-DVD-rolling Gil Bellows, but I have no shame in saying I should have. See, I rented the movie because it's set during Halloween--something that I still find shockingly rare for most horror films--and involves a goblin, and really, what can there possibly be not to like about a Halloween film involving goblins?

Well, as it turns out, teenagers.

But not Gil Bellows. Or goblins. 

Those are things to love.

Quick Plot: An 1831 flashback introduces us to Hollow Glen, a cursed town besmirched during a bad season of crops. How to fix such a Wicker Manny problem? Sacrifice a mutant baby of course!

The fact that tossing the li'l bugger into a bonfire produces a sound like shattered glass should alert the folks that something is awry. More pressingly, the sudden appearance of an 8' tall CGI monster who slashes through period-garbed extras seals the deal.

I know I should move on to the main storyline of the film--wherein Mr. Bellows channels Yoda and his bratty daughter whines--but let's pause for many moments to discuss the titular character. Goblin--I like to think he's really named GOB, pronounced as you expect if you have good taste in television--is pretty amazing. By pretty I mean amazingly. So GOB is amazingly amazing. See what I mean?

He's essentially the inbred cousin of a Nav'i, one who prowls the woods instead of Pandora and eats babies in place of 3D rainbows. Somewhere in his gene pool, I'm pretty sure a Blood Gnome snuck in (though the phalicness was weaned out). Most importantly, he's cross-eyed.

Leading to what I imagine are deleted scenes where the victims awkwardly ask GOB if he's actually looking at them, then GOB lets out a single tear, nods, the victim screams, apologizes because he or she feels really bad and uncomfortable, then screams again when GOB lets it go and kills them. 

Why don't I make movies?

Flash forward to the present day, where Gil--who still looks young and adorable, even if slightly high off of exhaust fumes--is driving his second wife, baby son, horrid teenage daughter Nikki and her skanky friend Cammy into the woods to close a business deal. They stop at the local diner for a hearty helping of ominous warnings, mostly issued by the token Crazy Ralph old guy who can't possibly know what he's talking about when he says the newbies' baby will be eaten by a goblin.

Because, like, there are BIGGER problems to deal with DAD. You don't even TALK about Dead Mom anymore! And you care more about that cute baby you had with the far more pleasant woman than you do about ME! I'm SEVENTEEN! I like, NEED you to care about me.

Dad! I mean, DON’T TALK to me! Especially in front of BOYS! You're like, so LAME! And you hate Dead Mom. And I hate you. And I hate my baby brother who like, TOTALLY needs someone to watch him? Seriously? It's like you hate me. I wish the goblins would come and take you away right now.

Sorry readers, I found myself channeling the character of Nikki. Perhaps my biggest beef with Goblin is the fact that the first hour of the film INSISTS on making its main character THE MOST HORRID PERSON IN THE WORLD. 

Yes folks, my biggest problem in this movie had nothing to do with the half-price CGI monster who wears assless chaps.

Nope, it's the chick, a nasty, angst-filled brat who can't say two words without making me want to call David Bowie to see if he accepts older half-sisters on his Goblin staff. This girl is positively evil.

Granted, I'm the youngest in my family and therefore may just not identify with the plight of the oldest child. So maybe this is all my fault. Perhaps if I was a pretty 17-year-old growing up today with a pleasant dad and nice enough stepmother, I too would have every reason to ditch baby-sitting duties long enough for someone to kidnap my baby brother and feed him to goblins. Or just one. Because that is all you need.

High Points

For a not very good movie, Goblin does boast a few decent sequences, including an excellent baby crib reveal that shows director Jeffery Scott Lando might have potential with better material/CGI caliber goblins

Low Points

Look, I understand that having an angsty teen as your lead could work when she uses the journey of saving her baby brother from being eaten by a goblin as a growing experience. But honestly, making her just a nice young teenager who has to save her baby brother from eaten by a goblin really wouldn't have taken ANYTHING away from the whole saving-brother-goblin thing. And would have made the audience not want to see the star die a painful death

Credits Curiosity

Not something I expect in the opening credits sequence: U.S. Casting by One Person, followed by CASTING By Someone Else. At that point, at least tell us WHERE Goblin was was filmed (and cast)

Lessons Learned

What's in for goblin style in 2010: Assless chaps, Grim Reaper hoodies, and bone earrings

Attractive yet bland eighteen year old boys are turned on by fake blonds with oddly parted hair talking dirty. By dirty, I mean using the kinds of come-ons that befit the Sweet Valley High twins (or at least Jessica). Sample exchange: 

“You are so hot!” 

“Careful...you might get burned"

Arguing is not helpful

When burying your own wife/mother, it’s vital to dress the part of a mourning family with proper black dresses or suits. Try to avoid dirt stains, but really, what can you do?

Rent/Bury/Buy

I’m not sure whether Goblin was made for the SyFy Channel, but I’d bet a mutant baby that it was. It’s not good, but it’s passable enough light horror along the lines of Skeleton Man. The CGI effects are hilariously adorable, as is the titular goblin himself. So I guess those who like leggy goblins, go for it. All others, stick to a more laughable Gil Bellows as the villain facing Steve Austin in Hunt to Kill. It’s a performance worth goblining for.

Little Fockers

The fact that a movie exists called Blood Gnome is reason enough to rejoice. That Blood Gnome is put in the ‘erotic’ section of Netflix is a reason to have a party. That it’s on Netflix Instant Watch might be considered proof that God exists.

Quick Plot: A couple practicing BDSM (don’t worry, it will be explained about sixty three times over the course of the film’s 87 minutes) is found brutally murdered. For whatever reason, the only person who seems able to pinpoint the real danger is a dweeby crime scene photographer named Dan. 

Hope you like his looks ladies, because this Dan is about to get some icy nipples and leathery lovin.’

Dan hooks up with Divinity, head slave to the fetish mistress Elandra. Topless women come in and out, but straight female viewers are far more excited to ogle the muscular villains of the title, petite pink things that are only visible to cheap camcorder night vision.

As you might expect, the blood gnomes talk in the typical ‘numb numb numb’ speak you generally find in movies like Trilogy of Terror. One exception comes from their styles in chatrooms. See, a little known fact about mutated evil little people: they like to use the caps lock key, just lock over-eager Internet loiterers or slightly non-tech-savvy mothers. Oh but if you can’t read or forgot to wear your glasses, have no fear: Dan has this incredibly exposition-happy habit of talking to himself and reading everything he reads out loud for all to hear. It can be quite convenient.

It’s important that blood gnomes use instant messaging, since this leads our hero into their final massacre held, of course, at a massive BDSM party. There we get a lot of bare breasts and even more blood gnome feasting. Plus, wily gunfire.

These are all good things.

High Points

Obviously, I found Blood Gnomes hilarious for a lot of the wrong reasons, but the film does have some genuine moments of humor, many of which do indeed come from lead actor Vinnie Bilancio

Low Points

I suppose it helps establish Dan’s character, but an awful lot of time seems wasted on explaining his tragic (and rather bizarre) backstory, the problem of which is that it takes time away from...you know, the blood gnomes

So back to the old argument on misadvertising that I find so bothersome with the incorrectly pluralized "Elves": why not call the film Blood Gnomes? They never travel alone

Lessons Learned

The best place to ask earnest questions about BDSM is totally not a chatroom devoted to BDSM

When your drug dealer dresses like Parker Lewis, you the customer definitely CAN lose

Bad bangs are often a sign of a bad soul

The Winning Line:

Homicide Detective: Our killer has a bloodlust.

I cannot possibly believe such a fact to ever be true.

Rent/Bury/Buy

Obviously, I adored this film but I suppose I should be responsible and admit that doesn’t necessarily mean YOU will. It’s poorly shot and not brilliantly acted, probably made for the same price as the final Kraft Services bill on the set of Amusement, but at the same time, the effects are surprisingly decent and the story is about blood gnomes hunting BDSM enthusiasts. Gentlemen (and ladies) can enjoy an overwhelming amount of female toplessness, so there’s always that. Also, there are blood gnomes. And they are fabulous.