Contest Results!

I ran a contest!

And in true Doll’s House tradition, I was extremely tardy with delivering  the results. But there’s a kicker to all my laziness, and that kicker means everyone’s a winner!

Due to the generosity of Drive-In Horrorshow/Infinite Santa 8000 team Grimm Pictures, I’ve got more than enough swag to go around. And since a lucky seven readers had the dedication and good taste to put down the Christmas cookies and take a break from caroling long enough to send in entries, each will receive a special package with a few goodies mailed their way.

Best of all (for me) is the ring of recommendations I got for next year’s Decemberstravaganza! Here they are, starting with the one and only man behind Not This Time, Nayland Smith, Chris Hewson:

My favourite Christmas-based film is the action/sci-fi, Trancers (aka Future Cop). It's a fun action film that, other than having a kickass protag (Tim Thomerson as JACK DETH) it's brisk and has a quick pace at only 75 minutes long. Other points are that it has a fight between zombie (kinda)-Santa and JACK DETH, and that its four sequels are just as entertaining! The sequels are ALL insane amounts of fun! And the series has a kickass theme tune too!

--While I’ve delved into Dollman like any short Bronxite, I confess to never actually watching Thomerson’s other big franchise. Now that I know it has at least something to do with Christmas, I fully expect to put it on December’s calendar.

Up next is Nicole, aka the Living Dead Girl with something more cuddly: 

Okay I thought about using any number of Christmas themed horror flicks that I enjoyed (Santa's Slay, if you haven't seen it, rocks way harder than I'd have imagined. I'm not saying it's a GOOD movie, but it's bad in all the best ways and a lot of fun. And I have an addiction to lengthy parenthetical asides. Sorry about that.) but that would be disingenuous. Truth be told, while most of the time the more bare tits, terror, chainsaws, creepy Japanese ghost kids and blood the better... at Christmas there's one movie that warms my orange and black little heart like no other. And that movie is...

Emmet Otter's Jugband Christmas 

(STOP JUDGING ME!)

It's got ridiculously cute little characters (Jim Henson did it so Kermit makes an appearance at the beginning but then Emmet, Ma and the gang take center stage), a song which includes the lyric "They made curtains and handkerchiefs and clothing for the poooor... from the one bathing suit that your grandma otter wooooore!", a jugband song that will NEVER be out of your head once you hear it. That little movie is comfort food for my soul. I LOVE it.

Sorry I went over the 2-3 sentences suggestion. If it helps my chances any, I have a drawer filled mostly with googly eyes, condoms and Pez (so clearly, I'm just not right) and my Cockatiel, Foofer, hopes I'll win. 

Thanks and Merry Cthulhumas! May you be eaten last.

P.S. Coming in at a painfully close second is A Garfield Christmas. 

Dear Nicole, never in my life would I judge thee for choosing ANYTHING Jim Henson related. I only caught Emmet Otter this past year when it magically landed on Netflix Instant (along with the equally tear-inducing Christmas Toy) and my goodness, everything you say is true to the extreme. The Paul Williams' songs are incredible and I almost hate you for getting Ain't No Hole In a Washtub stuck back in my head. It's a sweet, moving, and painfully adorable tale that I only regret not watching for the past 29 Christmases! 

And now we move onto an ace pick from Chris Love:

To answer the question posed on your blog "What is your favorite December holiday film and why", I will say it's Christmas Evil (a.k.a. You Better Watch Out). The idea of a man so obsessed with the holiday that he actually takes on the persona of Santa Claus throughout the year to me is both extremely creepy, and somewhat heartfelt at the same time due to Brandon Maggart's portrayal of the holiday obsessed man not being one note. While yeah, he does do bad things, you can understand where he's coming from, and you actually start rooting for him. It's his acting that takes a story that's pretty silly and elevates it into something great. Plus, that totally out there ending is a thing of beauty!

And I will say this... Silent Night Deadly Night 2? My second favorite holiday horror film of all time (no lie!). Sure, Garbage Day! is an awesome sequence, but when Ricky kills the blonde douchebag with the jumper cables, then his girlfriend starts yelling at him? Awesome-ness! "Punish!" "Uh-oh!" :)

Chris, be still my heart. As my old review of Christmas Evil shows, I absolutely adore that film. It's truly a special entry into the holiday horror canon, with a wonderful central performance and heartfelt theme. And "uh-oh" remains one of the best reactions to watching your boyfriend electrocute your ex-boyfriend ever captured on camera!

Moving onto more intentionally comedic films, Aaron of The Death Rattle and keeper of the Gentlemen's Blog to Midnite Cinema asks us to put a little love in our hearts:

My favorite holiday/Christmas film frequently changes and I don't have a mandatory film that I watch during the holiday season, but right now my favorite is Scrooged, starring Bill Murray; it's always been a favorite of mine, I love the feel-good breaking the fourth wall ending, and it's the movie that I'll be watching at some point on or around Christmas this year. I'm thinking a double feature of Scrooged and Santa's Slay (another favorite). Thanks!

Ah Aaron, I can't get through December without watching Carol Kane beat the chiffon out of Bill Murray. Funny to see so much love for Santa's Slay, a film I was fairly underwhelmed by a few years back because I felt it tried a touch too hard. Perhaps Christmas 2012 will be a chance to revisit and see if my opinions change, providing the world is still spinning by then. 

Keeping it in the comedic vein is everyone's favorite cannibal, Mattsuzaka of Chuck Norris Ate My Baby. In his words:

After some serious internal debate, my answer is Gremlins. Gremlins narrowly beats out A Christmas Story as my favorite Holiday/December thingy movie because it has so many things that I love: Christmas, snow, Phoebe Cates (sigh), monsters, humor, horror, old Asian men, and Dick Miller.     

Nothing to argue with there! Gremlins is the kind of film I sit down for every few years, and it never gets tired. As dark as comedy can get while still being funny, yet still packed with genuine scares...plus, let's face it, the cutest li'l creature to grace our screens in the '80s:

It's almost illegally adorable!

Staying firmly in the '80s is Craig's vote for the only film that I know of to combine Christmas elves with Nazi medical experimentation:

I am sure someone has already submitted this, but...

because traditional Christmas recycles the same tired mythology over and over (fat man in suit with toys, reindeer, Grither, zzz).  ELVES incorporates all other elements of import to Western civilization like how to chain-smoke with a beard, abusive TV MILFs, and elf-science Nazis.  Everything that you need to know to be a good citizen is in ELVES.  They should just screen it for community college students, cancel the next two years of classes, and send them off to be paleontologists and English teachers and shit.  The money saved could fill the Medicare donut hole!

But, really, EMMET OTTER'S JUG BAND CHRISTMAS should win this. And your blog is AWESOME...

Oh Craig, flattery is always appreciated (P.S.: remind me who to make that check out to). I haven't seen Elves since I was but a wee elf myself, but just about everything you said about it makes me think I NEED to rewatch it if I want to be a better person. Maybe I'll carefully time it for this coming early December so as to clean my slate in time for a Santa visit. 

Lastly but in no ways leastly is Ron's puntastic explanation for one of cinema's first real slashers:

Hello and please AXE-CEPT (I know corny as hell)  my comment entry into the 'An Infinite (Kinda) Giveaway!  Fangs for the opportunity! (I know, I know...another lame pun/play on words...I probably already disqualified myself and and lost the contest in advance)! But here's my entry nonetheless" 

For me, I really love the work of the late, great Bob Clark, a man who had such varied aplomb in the language of film that he successfully made two of the most diametrically opposed Christmas films of all time...BLACK CHRISTMAS (1974) and A CHRISTMAS STORY (1983). While most are no doubt familiar with the latter, it's Clark's BLACK CHRISTMAS, for me! The precursor to the American slasher subgenre, that is bestowed the highest gift on my Christmas film favorites list. Abominable remake aside, BLACK CHRISTMAS not only set the bar, it pretty much authored the rules of the game. A lone stalker, identified through shaky POV shots, taunts and tortures a harem of sorority girls. Sound familiar? A harasser calling from inside the house? Banging any chimes? Thing is, aside from the pioneering, the film is actually anchored by good storytelling and solid performances from good actors. Keir Dullea, Margot Kidder, John Saxon...these are pros' pros...and what could easily be cast aside as B-movie pabulum actually turns out to be something far greater! At least for me, and I'm sure, thousands of other horror fans!

Have a Horrifically Wonderful  AXE-MAS ...ahem... X-MAS!  :-)

You know, I realized this year--and Ron's explanation certainly helps confirm it--that I REALLY need to give Black Christmas another go. I've only watched it one time, on a small computer screen with poor audio. Perhaps the time hath come to revisit one of the genre's most important--and yet in many ways, underappreciated--gems.

Preferably with a drink mixed by Margot

Thanks again to everyone for the entries! Now you just have to wait for me to ride my reindeer to the post office and get mailing (note: the apocalypse might happen before that does).

Santa Roll Call

As some of you know and others don't care about, I spent the last year or so contributing to Pop Syndicate, a recently renovated website that lost all its past content (and writers). The following article appeared in 2009 and since you can't find it anywhere else in InterWorld, I'm rerunning it here, with a few edits. Apologies for the deja vu.

As I sprinkle my sugar cookies in anticipation of a certain cheerful home invader’s arrival, it seems fitting to consider, judge, and rank some of cinema’s Santariffic incarnations. Naturally, we’re not talking about Tim Allen (although that’s a horror in itself) 

7. Wayne, Santa Claws

Unless you really dig C-movie actresses rubbing teddy bears over their artificial bodies to one electronically synched beat playing on loop OR have a serious fear of garden weasels, there’s not much to love in this John A. Russo directed “horror” from 1996. Yes, that’s the same man whose name graces the screenwriting credit of Night of the Living Dead, but he’s seriously etched his name onto the naughty list with this soft(er than a fleece blanket)-core porn/autistic community theater production of a slasher film about a lonely man harnessing a fatal crush on Debbie Rochon. His way into her heart? Donning aforementioned garden weasel, dressing as Santa, spray painting his costume black, drugging her children with sedative-laced hot cocoa, and strangling a few of her competitors for the Scream Queen Christmas Calendar. It’s far worse than it sounds.

6. Bill Goldberg in Santa’s Slay

Little known fact: Santa is a gambling man, child hater, and crappy curling player. 1000 years ago, he lost a somewhat cheated bet with a claymation angel an as punishment, was forced to bring presents to all the well-behaved Christian kids of the world. A millennium’s worth of ho-ing breeds an awful lot of resentment in a man, so it’s not overly surprising to watch him slaughter his way through Rob Zombie-esque strippers and grumpy old ladies the second his spell wears off. Former WWE champ Bill Goldberg has a sort of Bill Mosely on steroids feel that works for the ridiculous character, but this Santa loses a point for a) not being a well-written film and b) stabbing the kindly Jewish butcher, who by any logic, should be one of the only characters a disgruntled Santa tired of giving gifts would spare. 

5. Mike McGavin, Elves

I’ve probably discussed this 1989 bottom feeding flick with far more energy than the one time I watched it fifteen or so years ago, but one can’t draw up a Ho Ho Horror list without citing Grizzly Adams himself donning the hopefully dry cleaned mall Santa suit and battling (sadly sans costume) a genetically engineered homicidal Nazi elf. How can you not root for a guy with naturally pruned facial hair that puts all polyester beard to shame?

4. Rebecca, Cuento de Navidad

Roseanne Barr shocked the television waves with the in-your-face realism of her small screen family, but we also can’t forget her glass ceiling shattering insistence on donning the big man’s suit for some extra December cash at the Lanford Mall. Paco Plaza’s The Christmas Tale features a similar twist: a mysterious dark-haired woman clad as Santa Claus has stolen $2 million and now finds herself trapped in a deep and lonely forest ditch, where her only salvation is a group of ‘80s infused children with mixed morality. I’d hate to spoil this excellent little offbeat thriller (found on the Spanish series Six Films to Keep You Awake), so just know that Rebecca does get to prowl the lonely woods with a sharpened axe and serious lack of Christmas spirit.

3. The Chapman Bros.Silent Night, Deadly Night 1-3

Gifted with one of the easiest psychologically explained motives in slasher history (crazy grandpa’s insistence that Santa’s purpose is to discipline sinners; parents’ subsequent murder after cursing; an abusive nun wielding a switch at the sight of premarital sex) and one of the best one word mottos ever (PUNISH!), Silent Night, Deadly Night helped to set the popularize and polarize Christmas massacres for all time. Billy himself is something of a drip, but he does earn points for innovative slayings (including one involving a slay) and honoring the honor system by trusting “nice kids” and improvising presents. Yes, the knife you just used to kill a little girl’s older sister’s boyfriend may be a slightly inappropriate stocking stuffer, but it’s the thought that counts. Little brother Rickey is a little less effective as Old St. Nick (although his eyebrows alone could possibly steer eight reindeer solo). We’ll give him a pass for being an infant at the initial Chapman family tragedy, especially since he still managed to remember and recount that and the entire rest of Silent Night, Deadly Night to take up 60% of the running time of his first sequel.

2. Jack Skellington/Santy Claws, The Nightmare Before Christmas

When we really consider Jack’s Kringle skills in this stop motion animated masterpiece, we can’t be kinder than A for Effort, D for Execution (especially since all the kids seemed to survive--I mean...carry on). Mr. Claws, on the other hand, is kind of a pompous jerk with a sense of self-importance as big as his bloated waistline. Still, the little booted big man should be commended for cleaning up Jack’s mess with such speed and efficiency, not to mention introducing the concept of snowballs to Halloweentown. 

1. Harry Stadling, Christmas Evil 

He makes high quality presents. He’s a smooth dancer and thorough spy, but it’s Harry’s innocent yearlong yuletide spirit that really earns him the top spot. Sure, his standards for the Nice List are a little controversial (bad breath could be genetic and being “just darling” seems a little surface), but of all the cinematic characters to ever don a homemade wool jumpsuit, it’s Brandon Maggart’s Travis Bickle after too many candy canes from this 1980 low budget classic that makes the holiday. Although the stress of non-believers does eventually drive him to multiple homicide, Harry follows his own dream and is never happier than when donating a van full of handcrafted toys to a needy children’s hospital. He’s a taker of unworthy lives, but a giver of true joy. 

Hell Hath No Fury Like a Jewish Saint

We’re told a lot of lies in our youth. The ice cream truck is empty. Long division is important. Sparky moved to the farm.  Worst of all is the master conspiracy that is Santa Claus. It’s bad enough that children are forced to live in constant fear of an all-knowing magician obsessed with judging their character, only to eventually discover (often at the cruel insensitivity of cooler kids on the playground) that such an entity is a mere illusion created to separate the gullible geeks from the faster developed in-crowd.

But let’s just say there really is a portly gentleman who spends one night a year breaking into billions of homes to deposit a few new toys and eat lots of sugar cookies. How does HE feel about his image being encapsulated in snowglobes, having his name tossed about in lazy lyrics or receiving constant junk mail written in crayon? 

For a new spin on the 2000 year old holiday, there’s Santa’s Slay, a black comedy directed by newcomer David Steiman,  the former long-suffering personal assistant to Brett Ratner (I don’t know he actually suffered; I’m just going with conventional wisdom that Ratner is kind of a drag). Starring proudly Jewish WWE champ Bill Goldberg, this 2005 horror features plenty of pile drives and Nutcracker antics for the whole family, especially if you like your family well enough, but don’t want to spoil them with something overly wonderful.

Quick Plot: We open with a star-studded Christmas dinner for two wealthy families, connected perhaps by an affair or, more likely, the amount of famous names Steiman could assemble in one room for a day of shooting. Don’t get too attached to Rebecca Gayheart, Fran Drescher, Chris Kattan (because of course, you were totally in danger of that) and James Caan (yes, James Caan), as they all receive festive slayings within five minutes.

We’re soon introduced to our young teen protagonists, Nicholas Yuleson (get it? of course you do. Cause you’re not an idiot) and Mary (Lost’s Emilie de Ravin), employees of the world’s friendliest kosher butcher’s shop. Nicholas has lived his short life sans Christmas spirit, mostly because his wacky old grandpa knows the truth behind December 25th. See, back in ye olden days, Santa (Goldberg) was pretty much a jerk, possibly because he had to share his immaculately concepted birthday with golden boy Jesus Christ. Fed up with watching the grizzly sadist slice his way through innocent humans, a kindly angel wagered Santa 1000 years of hellish torment (i.e., burning in Satan’s estate or delivering joy across the world) to be decided in a friendly match of curling.

As any Miracle on 34th St. shopper might deduce, Santa’s curling could have used some coaching. 2005, however, marks the end of his losing conditions and thus, it’s time for the big guy to ride into Hell Township on his one-bison sleigh and celebrate his newfound freedom with a massacre in a strip joint possibly co-owned by Rob Zombie. Ornaments impale, wreaths strangle, pomeranians are hurled into ceiling fans and 80s style street punks die at the pointy ends of candy canes. 

Santa’s Slay is a fun film built on a pile of regifted presents and best enjoyed with store brand eggnog. Watching Santa Claus use ring-worthy moves on burly bouncers and electrocute bartenders with a stripper’s pole is exactly as amusing as it sounds. While no actor is gunning for a Golden Globe, the performances are good-natured and well-aware of how best to deliver the material...

...which is by far the weakest part of Santa’s Slay. While some lines land with clever holiday cheer, there are a lot more that thud loudly without sharp nuance. It doesn’t mean Santa’s Slay isn’t funny; it’s just not quite as funny as it would like to be and for those such as myself who are deeply annoyed by forced comedy, Santa’s Slay toes a thin line between naughty and nice. 

High Points

While not overly memorable, the score is quite a pleasing mashup of well-known carols, humorously modern Santa jingles, and touches of ambition, such as the one measure nod to Fiddler On the Roof cued as a group of Hasidic Jews pass by

A well-placed stop-motion animated flashback to the origin of “good” St. Nick is wonderfully reminiscent of classic Rankin/Bass specials of yore, straight down to the Cornelius Vanderbilt expression on Santa Claus’s face

Low Points

Sorry Mr. Steiman, but contrary to your commentary track, old people swearing and fart jokes are not necessarily always funny by themselves

While I loved the over-the-top insanity of the opening scene, why, why I ask with fists raised to the sky, did Chris Kattan receive the least offensive death?

Although there are plenty of memorable one liners (see below for my favorite), some of the dialogue is just one draft short of snapping. Example: “I’m as happy as a Make-a-Wish kid,” our hero says upon receiving a pretty kickass pistol Transformer. If you think about it, a Make-a-Wish kid isn’t actually happy. He/she is probably in a lot of pain until a wish is actually granted. Edit: “I’m happier than a Make-a-WIsh kid cutting the line to Space Mountain.” A mere reference isn’t funny in itself. It requires honing.

Lessons Learned

Santa Claus and Jesus Christ are birthday buddies

Jewish butchers are closed on Christmas but like to hang out in their shops to make sure people know that

If you live in hell, you shouldn’t use the lord’s name in vain so indiscriminately 

In the 364 days he’s unemployed, Santa Claus spends his time working out and studying the Crypt Keeper's how-to book on the art of punning 

The going rate for a rocket launcher in 2005 was one lung

Winning Line

“Christmas can sure scare the Dickens out of people!”

Funny because a) it’s shouted with such enthusiasm by a WWE champion and b) he’s holding a copy of A Christmas Carol as he says this

Rent/Bury/Buy

Having now watched three homicidal Santa Claus cut their way through the naughty in the last week, my rosy cheeked glee at watching carolers scream in fear is beginning to pale. Still Santa’s Slay is, much like ThanksKilling, a film that understands why holiday horror is such a beloved seasonal tradition. It’s a bit of a mess made by someone still learning the trade, but there is a lot of wackiness to give you a pleasantly offbeat 90 minutes. By no means is this a new classic along the lines of Jack Frost (yes, I’m aware that I’ve just called the mutant killer snowman movie a “classic”), but it’s enjoyable enough to get you through an evening of gift wrapping. You could certainly do better than stale writing and multiple uses of foul-mouthed senior citizenry, but hearing Bill Goldberg try to deliver a monologue in medieval Nordic is something many a connoisseur of cheese can enjoy.