Crushing On Valentine's Day With LoLicia Silverstone

Sometimes, all it takes is one scene--nay, 11 seconds--to transform a film from forgettable to mind blowing. In support of this statement, I give you--minor spoilers--the climax of 1993’s The Crush:

Sold, right?

Quick Plot: A sometimes American-sounding Cary Elwes plays Nick, a researcher and hack writer for a tabloid who moves to a sunny town to rent a house from a well-off family that includes the precocious Adrienne, a 14-year old Lolita so aware of her Lolita-ness that she introduces herself in short denim jeans and an iconic sunglass tilt. 

Before you can say fatal attraction, Adrienne is seductively leaning on walls in a way that makes her Aerosmith video hair look positively scandalous, much to the discomfort of Nick as he tries to woo his coworker (Bad Dreams’ Jennifer Rubin) and keep his job. Also in the way is Amber Benson (yes, Willow’s girlfriend Tara) as a suspicious pal of Adrienne and Adrienne’s tough guy dad who establishes himself as a tough guy by there fact that he’s played by Kurtwood Smith.

Of course, the fact that dad Kurtwood Smith keeps a working carousel up in his attic hampers his badassness slightly, but without said carousel, we wouldn’t have the aforementioned amazing climax.

So really, how can you complain?

The Crush is a shining example of 90s era trash cinema, making up for its lack of gore by instead cramming in ickily inappropriate sleaze. This is the kind of movie that has a 14-year-old Silverstone explain why she doesn’t like carousels with the pointed line “I ride real horses now,” and note she says this to her dad and titular crush with all the subtlety of Nomi Malone at the gynecologist. 

High Points

In her film and Shortening debut, Silverstone shows plenty of moxie (plus a huge skill at flipping her hair and sulking)

Low Points

Look, I appreciate the Dread Pirate Roberts as much as any child of the ‘80s, but there’s virtually nothing about Nick to make for a good online dating profile, much less focus of obsession for a beautiful and talented teenager like Adrienne

Lessons Learned

Wasps are social AND territorial (come to think of it, so are WASPs)

In the 1990s, real men wore pink dress shirts

Classy barbeques involve marshmallows and wine

Rent/Bury/Buy

As 90s nostalgia gets tastier with age, The Crush is a film that can make you giggle based almost solely on its time stamp. Trashy as a PG13 rating can allow, the movie isn’t by any means good, but it embraces its ridiculousness all the way through its foreshadowed wasp attack and heavy carousel creepily circling in an attic with a pull-down ladder. And no, there is no explanation for how exactly one moves a working carousel into an attic with a pull-down ladder (perhaps it’s some sort of growable carousel?) but that in itself makes The Crush the cheese sandwich that can satisfy any craving.

The Sitter That Rocks the Cradle

What can I say? I'm an easy sell.

Quick Plot: Attractive college graduate Abby takes a job as a live-in babysitter* to the Eastmans, an upper middle class with a working PR mom (played by Lifetime vet Gail O’Grady), struggling lawyer dad, sweet daughter and sullen son. Before you can say Julianne Moore dead in a greenhouse, Abby is slashing through nosy neighbors who threaten her odds at becoming the new Mrs. Eastman.

Save for an Ernie Hudson stand-in and cry wolf molestation subplot, The Sitter (aka While the Children Sleep) is essentially The Hand That Rocks the Cradle for a 21st century Lifetime audience. 

How Hand Rocks the Cradle is it, you ask? There’s a hard-edged best friend whose face meets a plastic bag JUST as she’s about to warn the family about its ne’er do well nanny. A close-knit friendship that makes you wonder if the eldest daughter will indeed choose Abby over her mother. Just enough paranoia on Mrs. Eastman’s part to cause a minor marriage rift. Heck, there’s even a subtle Fatal Attraction throwback when Abby threatens to skin a school bully like a rabbit. 

As you do when aiming for Babysitter of the Year.

There’s virtually nothing original about The Sitter, directed by Russell Highlander Mulcahy. It’s the kind of film that insists on underscoring 80% of its runtime with ominous instrumental music, so that when what should be a perfectly innocent conversation with Abby and her charge occurs, all we hear is eviiiiiiiiil musical cues to ensure we KNOW not to trust this seemingly friendly young woman. 

The camera and soundtrack work extra hard to inform us that Mariana Klaveno’s Abby is a baaaaad girl, so much so that by the time she’s standing in the pouring rain and replaying conversations in her head and waving a shovel over a lecherous lawyer’s face, we’re ready to rock...

the cradle.

High Points

For a Lifetime original, The Sitter offers a surprising amount of violence via everything from knife to ax to shovel to stairs

Low Points

If you watched this year’s Halloween episode of the It Better Be Renewed Community, then you might have chuckled at Abed’s insistence that hearing a relevant news broadcast at the exact moment of turning on the radio is unbelievable. Well, so is turning the TV on in the middle of a conversation about your missing friend only to IMMEDIATELY notice that hey, doesn’t that car on the newscast look like the car of your missing friend?

Lessons Learned

Multiplication tables suck

Everybody loves free booze

Before spilling family secrets or discussing the suspiciousness of your new babysitter, you might want to take notice of the fact that your bedroom wall--which of course, separates you from babysitter in question--is thinner than Lara Flynn Boyle after mono

Taking a bath when cast in a horror film is one of the dumbest things a woman can do

Rent/Bury/Buy

The Sitter is streaming on Netflix, and while it’s not particularly good, it’s competent and trashy enough to serve as a solid 90 minute time waster. It’s a little meaner than what you’d expect from Lifetime and as a result, more fun than a rerun of The Nanny.

*Is the fact that The Nanny such a big hit on Lifetime reason enough for nobody in The Sitter to ever refer to the live-in babysitter as, you know, a nanny?

Hippoty Hoppoty Homicide!

As some of you know and others don't care about, I spent the last year or so contributing to Pop Syndicate, a recently deceased website that lost all its past content (and writers). The following article appeared in 2009 and since you can't find it anywhere else in InterWorld, I'm rerunning it here. Apologies for the deja vu.

Controversial, religious, or rainy, Easter weekend is more than just an excuse to gorge yourself on Cadbury Creme Eggs. Namely, it’s a time to watch seasonal horror movies! A few recommendations:

Critters 2: The Main Course

One of the few genre films specifically set during Easter and for a very good reason: critters hatch from eggs, and what better way to feast upon an idyllic small town than by Trojan horse-plowing your way into the homes and baskets of tasty locals?

Jesus Christ: Vampire Hunter

And on the third day, Jesus rose...to kick some undead ass. According to this affectionally campy musical/action/horror/wrestling romp, Christ will sing, dance, and spin kick through sunglass-wearing gangs of blood drinkers, especially if the monsters are on the prowl to purge the world of its lesbian population. It’s as silly as its title suggests (note that I haven’t even mentioned the luchador sidekick or voice-of-god speaking through an ice cream sundae) but this low budget oddity is a surprisingly good time and way more fun than Sunday mass. If your ears are feeling fancy, check out Episode 14 of the Girls On Film Podcast for our gushings.

Night of the Lepus

I often take issues with fear snobs sneering at the threat of killer dolls, but I’ll confidently eat my Easter bonnet to say bunnies are not, never were, and can never be scary. Perhaps the best proof is offered in this infamous flop(fy eared) 1972 monster flick, in which giant rabbits wreak havoc on mankind and Janet Leigh. It’s adorable.

Fear No Evil

I usually recommend this 1981 entry into the antichrist subgenre for its see-it-to-believe-it death by dodgeball, but to be timely, we could also cite the subplot passion play for the perfect Easter Sunday (or Good Friday) viewing. A smiling actor playing an actor playing Jesus (and fittingly voiced by the director in one of the best cameos since Hitchcock) gets more than church community adoration when Satan’s teenage son accepts his legacy at the town’s annual celebration. Needless to say, next time you subject yourself to theatrical crucifixion, it’s best to ask for a stunt double. (Read my original review here)

Black Sheep

Zombies moan. Body snatchers shriek. Asian ghost girls make strange clicking sounds. But only genetically altered New Zealand lambs bleat, as this 2006 horror comedy proudly proves. While I’ve always been a tad reluctant to chow down on the lamb chops my grandmother made on Easter (particularly when cardboard sheep were smiling in decoration form around the kitchen), the man-eating mammals here remove any guilt I have dishing out seconds.

Fatal Attraction

In keeping with the theme, one could easily argue that Glen Close’s golden perm bears a striking resemblance to Lampchop herself. Plus, a bunny stew served by an obsessive murderess is the perfect Easter dinner, particularly for psychopaths in need of solid protein for another night of stalking.

Arachnophobia

Okay, so there’s no Mega Spider vs. Giant Bunny action here, but the main threat in this likable 1990 creature features is a nest of hidden eggs. What’s more festive than that?

Did I pass over any of your favorites? (See what I did there, Pass-ov--never mind) . Bad punning or not, add or your own and have a great Peeps-At-Half-Price Monday!

Making Cavities Look Like Candy

As Corbin Bernson knows, any film involving teeth can instantly get some sort of financing and audience interest. Hence, 2009’s Oral Fixation, a cleverly titled horror that combines stalking with dentistry.

Quick Plot: Imagine, if you will, Bill Murray’s masochist dental patient in Little Shop of Horrors (or go back further to Jack Nicholson’s, if you prefer) but made over into a hot chick with large breasts. That would be Rachel, a perky young woman madly in love with her married dentist. Almost immediately, a routine checkup turns into a fatal attraction complete with kidnapping her beloved’s child, attempting to murder his wife, and framing him for rape.

That’s pretty much Oral Fixation in a nutshell, all 79 minutes of it. I’d love to say more, but it’s been 10 minutes since I watched the film and I already can’t remember anything else about it.

High Points

Despite this clearly being a low budget production, the performances by all the leads are actually more than adequate

Low Points

While I always approve of shorter running lengths, I can’t give a thumbs up when the ending is not explained in the least. A neat little shot shows a few heads preserved in jars, but how said heads--possibly the protagonists of the movie--ended up there, if those said heads are who they seem to be, and how their collector ends up where she does...yup, none of it is explained in the least. None.

Lessons Learned

As a private investigator, it’s good to know that most subjects are far more forthcoming with revealing intimate details of their lives after you introduce yourself

Never leave condoms lying around the house where any crazed stalker could do with them as she pleases


An allergy to anesthesia can be a pain, but if you happen to have a fetish for that kind of thing, it's also really convenient

Rent/Bury/Buy

Oh Instant Watch, I would never know what to do with Sunday mornings without you. Oral Fixation is not good, but if you’re like me, it’s not the worst way to kill 80 minutes of your life. It’s goofy, occasionally gory, and ultimately, a film that knows well enough not to overstay its welcome. Now that it’s no longer streaming, I wouldn’t advise you to seek it out with any energy (i.e., using a Netflix rental on the film) but should it ever get back there, it’s...you know, a film about a psycho who gets off on painful dentistry. Make of it what you will.

Hippity Hoppity Homicide

Controversial, religious, or rainy, Easter weekend is more than just an excuse to gorge yourself on Cadbury Creme Eggs. Namely, it’s a time to watch seasonal horror movies! A few recommendations:

Critters 2: The Main Course

One of the few genre films specifically set during Easter and for a very good reason: critters hatch from eggs, and what better way to feast upon an idyllic small town than by Trojan horse-plowing your way into the homes and baskets of tasty locals?

Jesus Christ: Vampire Hunter

And on the third day, Jesus rose...to kick some undead ass. According to this affectionally campy musical/action/horror/wrestling romp, Christ will sing, dance, and spin kick through sunglass-wearing gangs of blood drinkers, especially if the monsters are on the prowl to purge the world of its lesbian population. It’s as silly as its title suggests (note that I haven’t even mentioned the luchador sidekick or voice-of-god speaking through an ice cream sundae) but this low budget oddity is a surprisingly good time and way more fun than Sunday mass.

Night of the Lepus

I often take issues with fear snobs sneering at the threat of killer dolls, but I’ll confidently eat my Easter bonnet to say bunnies are not, never were, and can never be scary. Perhaps the best proof is offered in this infamous flop(fy eared) 1972 monster flick, in which giant rabbits wreak havoc on mankind and Janet Leigh. It’s adorable.

Fear No Evil


I usually recommend this 1981 entry into the antichrist subgenre for its see-it-to-believe-it death by dodgeball, but to be timely, we could also cite the subplot passion play for the perfect Easter Sunday (or Good Friday) viewing. A smiling actor playing an actor playing Jesus (and fittingly voiced by the director in one of the best cameos since Hitchcock) gets more than church community adoration when Satan’s teenage son accepts his legacy at the town’s annual celebration. Needless to say, next time you subject yourself to theatrical crucifixion, it’s best to ask for a stunt double.

Black Sheep

Zombies moan. Body snatchers shriek. Asian ghost girls make strange clicking sounds. But only genetically altered New Zealand lambs bleat, as this 2006 horror comedy proudly proves. While I’ve always been a tad reluctant to chow down on the lamb chops my grandmother made on Easter (particularly when cardboard sheep were smiling in decoration form around the kitchen), the man-eating mammals here remove any guilt I have dishing out seconds.

Fatal Attraction

In keeping with the theme, one could easily argue that Glen Close’s golden perm bears a striking resemblance to Lampchop herself. Plus, a bunny stew served by an obsessive murderess is the perfect Easter dinner, particularly for psychopaths in need of solid protein for another night of stalking.

Arachnophobia

Okay, so there’s no Mega Spider vs. Giant Bunny action here, but the main threat in this likable 1990 creature features is a nest of hidden eggs. What’s more festive than that?

Did I pass over any of your favorites? (See what I did there, Pass-ov--never mind) . Bad punning or not, add or your own and have a great Peeps-At-Half-Price Monday!

Crazy In Love (but not with this movie)

Since seeing the trailer for Obsessed back in 2009, I've pretty much been convinced this Beyonce-powered Fatal Attraction rip-off was, in all likelihood, the best thing every made by human hands. It's a sad day when I learned otherwise.

Quick Plot: This is the story of Derek Charles (The Wire's Idris Elba, who will forever be known as Stringer Bell, will thus be referred to as Stringer Bell for the remainder of this review. I suppose by remainder, I mean whole thing).

Anyway, Stringer is a successful vice president of something at a coolly lit office somewhere in LA. Back at his new home, wife Sharon (Beyonce Knowles; remember, if it’s a serious movie, her roles are not played by the singer Beyonce, but by the actress, Beyonce Knowles...even though she sings on the soundtrack) spends most of the day not really fixing up the new digs and playing with baby boy. Life is filled with financial security, loving glances, and smooth R&B infused montages of happiness.

Cut to a meet-cute elevator encounter with Stringer and Ali Larter’s Lisa, a hot pantyhose-less temp eager to take his calls.

Literally, because she quickly ascends to serve as his makeshift secretary, a minor problem since Stringer had previously promised Sharon he’d only hire men for the job. Discrimination? Sure, but also some marital safety since the last femme to fix his coffee was none other than Sharon herself.

Naturally, Sharon has all the reason in the world to worry since Lisa turns out to be nothing less than a complete psychopath with the libido of Pepe Le Pieux. Luckily for Sharon, Stringer Bell is a loyal family man, something he’s quick to tell Lisa, sexist coworker Jerry O’Connell, Lisa, detective Christine Lahti, Lisa, Sharon, and Lisa, all about 35 times in the course of the film. 

And therein lies the biggest issue I had with what is otherwise not nearly as trashy a film as I was hoping: not once in Obsessed do we ever believe Stringer Bell will give in to the blond beauty thrusting herself at him with more earnestness than Nomi Malone. Not when she’s trying her damnest to fellate him at a Christmas party. Not when she’s clad in lingerie in the front seat of his car. Not when she’s wearing a dress straight from Kira Knightly’s closet in Atonement and slipping him Roofies at a tropical work getaway. This is a good, if rather daft and dull man and as a result, all we get to do is watch a strong well-dressed executive try his best to not touch a woman dry humping him at every turn.

Yes, there is some joyful bitch slapping catfighting rounding out the finale and yes, it’s the highlight of an otherwise inert film. At the same time, it’s not like we really know a single interesting fact about Sharon or Lisa to actually care about the outcome. Sharon is a married woman and mother. She wears colorful clothing and has big hair. Lisa is a crazy blond. She dresses like a skank and drinks dirty martinis. 

Whose side are we on? Wake me up when we care.

High Points

Larter doesn’t come near capturing a smidgen of the talent of Glenn Close, but the sheer ridiculousness of her character at least makes Lisa the most interesting thing onscreen

Low Points

So the day before I watched this film, I caught D.C. Cab, a truly joyful 1983 romp with not a single limit. You know what it DID have? A montage. An effing amazing montage. You know what Obsessed has? Two montages. A quiet, happy-family-move-in montage and another, Daddy-playing-with-kid-while-Mommy-watches-from-window montage, both with less pulse than a zombie flea.

Aside from the final countdown and a few random moments of embarrassing failed seductions, about 97 minutes of this 108 minute film

Lessons Learned

Cosmos will buy you all the info you need on the boss of a bitchy gay man

No matter what the film or target audience may be, Scout Taylor Compton remains a babysitter you should never trust with your children’s lives

The good ones are always married. Or straight. Or, one might assume, both.

Attractive women make popular additions to male-dominated offices. While this isn’t really a surprise, it is rather jarring to hear every heterosexual male in a suit comment so crassly on the newest employee

Rent/Bury/Buy

This is one of those days when I say a small prayer to the gods of Netflix for putting the right films on Instant Watch. I was truly excited to seeing Obsessed--one might go as far to say I was obsessed with seeing Obsessed, which would not be true but it would be exciting to say--and my hopes were dashed by the late night cable feel of a minor dud. There’s some fun to be had for sure, particularly in a bitchin’ girl fight and Beyonce Knowles’ attempt to be badass. Overall though, Obsessed doesn’t quite commit to the trashiness it wants to assume.