You Spin Me Round & Round

"Strangers locked in a room and forced to kill each other" is nothing new when it comes to plot descriptions in the 21st century, but when you add a sort of Simon-esque electronic art direction and a democratically determined electro shock system, you've piqued my interest. 

Quick Plot: A varied group of 50 people awake to find themselves standing in a black room with a fancy futuristic floor light fixture spinning around. Think of it as a carnival Gravitron ride with about 75% less chance of vomit. and 85% more chance of sudden death.  

Before long, they discover that every two minutes, one person gets a brief and fatal electric shock. It's in their hands--literally--to decide who dies when, as they can signal and make a fist to vote the next victim. As you can guess, they work together, get along, form lasting friendships, and see the inner beauty inside each other.

Righhhhhhhhhhhht

Like many a lottery-based horror film, Circle quickly lets its characters showcase some true colors. Impressively, writing/directing team Aaron Hann and Mario Miscione balance the speedy conversations (as none can really last more than two minutes at a time) without being too overbearing in zooming in on a batch of blank slate's racism, homophobia, and other easy targeted traits. It's rare that a film like this actually makes good on its promise to zap characters before they're fully developed, but it happens here as it should.

Circle has the vibe of a Twilight Zone episode crossed with Cube, and that's a very good thing. I was sold on the premise but following the decade-ago success of a little indie called Saw, there have been a LOT of cheaply made horror films marketed on the idea of "strangers locked up in a life or death situation together." 

Let us all take a moment of silence to recall the horrors of watching Melissa Joan Hart attempt to act in the classically terrible Nine Dead.

This could easily have gone down the wrong path. Characters could have been overly shrill and simplistic, or blatantly irritating. Thankfully, Hann and Miscione are wise in balancing their rather massive cast effectively. Sure, we get a token white cop who's quick to judge anybody with dark skin and an obnoxiously corporate superman eager to exploit those around him. This isn't perfect filmmaking, but Hann and Miscione make up for the necessary lack of character development with a consistent and breezy pace. Those who enjoy a good thinker of a horror film will find plenty to enjoy.

High Points

The utter simplicity of Circle's production and sound design is pitch perfect. There are no fancy tricks or effects, just a dark room with very specific lighting and music cues. Considering we spend nearly 90 minutes in this one spot, it's a very strong feat

Low Points

Two days after watching, I think it's safe to say I finally "get" the ending, but it's so subtly executed to the point that it makes the actual first-time watch rather unsatisfying in the immediate aftermath

Lessons Learned
When your life is essentially being determined by a popularity contest, it's probably not the best time to start practicing your non-ironic Donald Trump impersonation

Rent/Bury/Buy

I've queued up many an independent horror film with a big premise and small budget to varying levels of satisfaction, but I'm pleased to say that Circle did exactly what I hoped it would do. Much like The Human Race (another indie charmer that it seems to share quite a bit in common with in terms of style and theme), Circle understands what it can and can't do in its low budget, 90 minute running time. It's something fresh, and in a genre overstuffed with standards slashers and found footage blurs, that's a very good thing.

Yummy Yummy Yummy I've Got Fellow Kidnapee In My Tummy

The old 'throw a bunch of strangers in a dark enclosed space and watch bad things ensue' trick has become something of its own subgenre in the horror world. Between random titles like Vile, Die, Shadow Puppets, and the gloriously Clarissa-full Nine Dead, these kinds of 90 minute titles just keep popping up on Instant Watch. 2008's Hunger--not the one with Fassbender's boner--seemed to into that grouping of a post-Saw 2-world, so let's dip ourselves in grime and frowns and hop on in.

Quick Plot: Five strangers awaken inside a lonely well, where the only articles left are a few tubs of water and a single carving knife. There's also a super neat adjustable video camera controlled by their kidnapper, a well-dressed man who's been keeping notes on his victims and seems to be conducting some sort of experiment: how will a person change when starvation kicks in? 

Of course, these aren't just any people. We've got a nice guy contractor who helped assist in his cancer-stricken wife's suicide. A vacant dancer who killed her abusive boyfriend. The Token Short-Tempered Jerk (there's always one) who was involved in a fatal grocery store robbery. A blond doctor named Jordan whose murderous crime I didn't hear.*** And a twitchy man who has actually NOT killed anyone and who, based on flashes of the unnamed kidnapper's work station, is to serve as the experiment's control.

Basically, these five people are left to do nothing but complain about how hungry they are. An attempt at escape ends in effectively executed disappointment. The Control tries to breed cockroaches, something that proves difficult when The Short-Tempered Jerk keeps eating them. Conflict ensues, cannibalism happens, and nobody ever thinks to instead pass the time playing 20 Questions or Never Have I Ever.

Directed by newcomer Steven Hentges, Hunger is a slickly made horror film that definitely sits higher than some of its competition. In terms of its performances and dialogue, the movie doesn't embarrass itself (a la Nine Dead) and scores quite a few effective moments of shock and disgust. Yes, seeing little skin flaps hanging out of our hungry cavedwellers' mouths lends itself to chuckles, but the actors keep the material fairly engaging when covered in blood and human crumbs.

At the same time, just when Hunger is getting good, it decides to also get dull. After 20 or so days in their bricked prison, the survivors fall into specifically combative roles akin to the much more compelling The Divide. The conflict between these characters starts to become quite fascinating, but unfortunately, L.D. Goffigan's script quickly veers away from that line to instead focus on the least interesting character's interaction with a not-defined-at-all villain. 

Speaking of, Bjorn Johnson's silent puppetmaster is easily Hunger's biggest frustration. Though he's given an ickily fun Hannibal Lector-esque backstory, the film never gives the unnamed character the chance to do anything interesting as an adult. He sits at a computer watching the action, frantically zooms in and moves his hidden camera, writes down notes, and alternatively smiles or huffs. What is he hoping to see? The film seems to want him to be a simple 'scientist' (based on his credited character name) but that doesn't necessarily gel with his brutally murderous actions towards a few innocent bystanders. Then again, that entire aside feels like an added scene of standard horror forced into the film to up the running length or provide more action. It's unnecessary, and does no service to an already problematic character.

Have I been getting soft in my old age? As I look back at the recent indie Instant Watch releases I've reviewed here--Asylum's A Haunting In Salem, to name one--I see a pattern developing. I just can't hate a small-scale genre film that does a lot of things right, even when there are plenty of glaring things wrong inside. I didn't have a great time with Hunger, but the film was more than serviceable for most of its running time, throwing in a few surprise tricks while executing itself well. It's a good start, though I doubt I'll remember much about it one year from now. Then again, that IS a sign of old age.

High Notes

With its simple brick wall and bug-trampled ground, the actual well makes an excellent setting. Too often these kinds of 'wake up in an abandoned place' movies rely on unrealistic warehouse or black room settings, but Hunger's claustrophobic setting works quite well in capturing the utter hopelessness of its victims

Low Notes

Considering the dialogue is decent enough, it’s a shame that we can barely hear most of it over the much louder musical score

The less said about the pretty unbelievable feat of strength displayed during the ending the better

Lessons Learned

Just because you’re starving to death is no reason not to have your lip gloss looking good

A broken clavicle is a huge dealbreaker for female doctors

DIY B.F. Skinner wannabes are very thorough about recording their data by computer AND hand

Rent/Bury/Buy

As a 90 minute Instant Watch fix, Hunger is perfectly fine. While it falls into the common post-Saw world of stranger danger claustrophobia, it does tread some new water with the starvation/cannibalism angle, and all is aided by the solid enough cast and a well-designed setting. Many will find it too grimy, derivative, or just plain mediocre. It is these things, but it’s better at being these things than a lot of other Instant Watch offerings. 

My scale of measurement is not high. Now show me some skin.

***The question of what crime Jordan committed was nagging at me, though I chalked it up to 'I have oddly poor hearing for a 30-year-old and/or get distracted by shiny things and might have missed this piece of information.' Thankfully, there's a usually useless resource for movie watchers known as Imdebah Message Boards, and sure enough, in that typical wasteland was a solid explanation for what I thought to be my stupidity: a deleted scene on the DVD reveals Jordan, as a doctor, let a man die on her operating table because he also happened to be her rapist. It makes perfect sense to the character, though why such information would be edited out of the final cut is beyond me, especially considering the young couple murder that seemed to be added simply to pad the running time.

Bayside Cheese In Your Stocking: Holiday In Handcuffs

As I cycle through the ABC Family Channel and Lifetime's Christmas themed offerings, I'm noticing a few repetitve themes about, apparently,  the extreme difficulty attractive women face around the holidays. Among them:

-Overbearring families

-Seemingly perfect siblings

-Job trouble

-Randomly available and readily employed suitors

-Montages

-Slow-motion stress buildups that show just how noisy life really is

-Living in huge apartments despite aforementioned job trouble

Holiday In Handcuffs--not a porn, although the title and premise scream for one--features all these threads, but beats the likes of Snowglobe and Golden Christmas (about a magical golden retriever who reunites childhood sweethearts and has puppies who she then abandons, natch) because it also includes a climax that involves figure skating.

Hence, best Christmas movie since Silent Night Deadly Night 2.

Quick Plot: Poor Trudie (Clarissa, giving a slightly better performance than in Nine Dead) lives in a sprawling but messy loft apartment and works as a diner waitress while trying to get a sales job set up by her dad (the increasingly eerily George Bush Jr. resembling Tim Bottoms). At about the 3/4 mark of the film, we also learn that she's a frustrated painter because just like V.C. Andrews novels, no Lifetime heroine can be relatable without a hidden artistic talent.

Most importantly, she's single, which means (to the target audience) her life is worthless.

AND she has terrible hair.

Thankfully, A.C. Slater has come to town to slip on ice, play hockey, dangle around an engagement ring and take his shirt off. A catch like this, why WOULDN'T you kidnap him with a 19th century musket, tie him up with a wool scarf, secure his hands with fuzzy cuffs provided by the kindly & kinky gas station attendent, and tell  your folks that your new boyfriend gets off on pretending to be held hostage?

Admittedly, the initial introduction of Mario Lopez to Trudie's clueless family is not without chuckles, as their daftness about their daughter's crime comes close to rivaling the Dodos' empty headedness of Follow That Bird. Once the humor gets broader--i.e., let's meet the dirty talking grandma who uses the word 'tatas'--and Lopez has to turn genuine, Holiday In Handcuffs loses most of its charms.

I don't know about you, but I don't particularly want to live in a world where Melissa Joan Hart reproduces with Mario Lopez. Heck, I don't want to believe Mario Lopez has sex with anyone other than himself, and even that makes me feel bad for him because I'm sorry but WHO WANTS TO HAVE SEX WITH MARIO LOPEZ?

Oh right, Mario Lopez does.

But just like the token love interest in Snowglobe, he studied architecture and is somewhat available (a pesky fiancee is easily discarded). Lopez gets the edge by having an orphan sob story, so with a little nudging to Trudie's artistic talent and, you know, a how-can-I-not-fall-in-love-with-the-cute-blond-who-can-do-double-axels sequence, everyone has a merry Christmas.

Even Grams' tatas.

  

Lessons Learned

Sooner or later, guys overpower girls

The word ‘crap’ is quite tacky

Little known fact: nervous breakdowns come in sizes

As do awkward publicity photos

The Winning Line

“I’m just dating a few guys. I didn’t say I slept with them. I’m not a slut.”

Nope Clarissa' little sister, you're just a tease.

Stray SVU Connection

Just before queuing up Holiday In Handcuffs, I set the tone by watching the episode of Law & Order: SVU titled "Svengali," wherein Mad Men's Jarred Harris plays a sadistic artist whose charisma inspires young women to murder for him. At one point, the camera lingers over Harris' portraits and I would bet a pair of Chris Meloni eyebrows that they were crafted by the same painter who made Trudie's sketches. Should I find that as rewarding as I do?

Open Xmas Question

Does any family consisting solely of grown adults spend Christmas Eve gathered around while one member reads Twas the Night Before Christmas out loud? Admittedly, my folks were never big on holiday traditions, but SERIOUSLY?

Token Slapstick Alert
Someone read a book about funny things that happen on ice, and hence, Holiday In Handcuffs gives us several "Ow, that's gonna hurt!" sequences on a frozen pond

Montage Mania
Two by my count, as we follow Slater's gradual glee at being kidnapped by insane Christmas geeks and later, his sadness at an impending unhappy marriage

Sass Factor

Trudie's man-hating, man-sleeping-with best friend who gets to dress like a Christmas hooker while telling police officers how terrible their penises are

Stocking Stuffer or Stuffed With Coal

Holiday in Handcuffs is a horror film, just for different reasons than Don't Open Til Christmas or good-spirited director Ron Underwood's more amazing Tremors. Being part of a family that still insists on writing letters to Santa when the kids are in their 30s, having to listen to Mom talk about her annual and unfulfilling birthday sex, and worst of all, being trapped in a secluded cabin with Mario Lopez is far more terrifying than anything Billy OR Ricky Caldwell did through bloodied Santa suits. All this being said, the movie--streaming on Netflix--is cute for people that think things like this are cute.

Or I could just look at puppy pictures and enjoy something that's actually cuter.

Clarissa Explains Why It Sucks

Oh, Saw. You’re such an influential little franchise, aren’t you? Between popularizing torture porn (and all the debates that come with it) and giving me reasons to post serious photos of Costas Mandylor looking smarmy, you somehow found the time to birth knockoffs produced by and starring Sabrina, the Teenaged Witch.

That’s impressive. I work full-time, speak on a podcast to which my cohostess does all the tech work for, keep two mentally challenged cats alive, and write this blog and those busybee activities are enough to excuse me from ever cooking, cleaning, or do my own laundry more than once a month.

That was a tangent, yes, but Nine Dead is a rather awful film that, if nothing else, merits such detours. The movie does it itself by teasing us with the credit of “Daniel Baldwin” in the opening list, giving the (admittedly lesser) super brother an early line, then proceeding without his further involvement, thus leading the audience to occasionally wonder when bored (i.e., often) if he’s ever coming back.

Quick Plot: Nine strangers of various obnoxiousness are kidnapped by a masked man disguised as a knockoff performer for the Blue Man Group. In a deep, vaguely familiar of a much better television show voice, our mysterious mastermind explains that he has gathered these people in a Jigsaw-leased basement for a very specific reason. When the group figures out exactly what that is, they will be free to go home. In the meantime, Not Blue Man will return to kill one person every 10 minutes.

And so, like so many films before it, Nine Dead gives us a batch of unlikable characters shouting at each other for 90 minutes. Nobody really stands out, but I did wisely record them by type: White Guy, Lax Christian Guy Conveniently Named Christian, Chinese Woman,  Greasy Loan Shark Strip Club Keeper, Priest, Sweater Vest, Child Molester, Sabrina, and Black Guy Who Accuses All the Others of Being Racist, Yet Makes Me Have to Refer to Him As ‘Black Guy’ Because He Refuses To Tell the Others His Name For 30 Minutes.

There’s a lot of arguing, mini revelations, and dull red herrings that seem to exist more to pad the running time than add insight to character or story. Hearing Melissa Joan Hart recount her past trauma of sexual abuse is probably supposed to garner her some last minute character depth, but considering I had spent the previous hour hoping her name was next on the death list, I just didn’t care. The final revelation--no spoilers, I promise--isn’t overly far-fetched, but it’s also not very interesting. Much like the entire film itself.

High Points

The fact that the character I first dubbed ‘Stache proved to be a child molester allowed me to then alter his name to the catchy and convenient ‘Molestache’

Low Points

A sample of why some of this film’s writing is atrocious: 

“Hail Mary, full of grace, the lord is...the lord is...DAMN! I can’t remember the rest!”  moans Christian. 

I’m not complaining about a character praying in a time of need or forgetting the words, but if you think logically, most people memorize these kinds of chants by line, not each individual word. Would anybody really forget “with thee?” No, they would forget the next verse.

While any attempt at creative killing would have further drawn the Saw rip-off criticism, gunshots to the chest just aren’t that interesting, especially by the ninth shot

Lessons Learned

A math quiz: You must connect 9 people (6 of whom are deceased) in order to survive. Ff there is a 30% chance that you will be shot dead in 10 minutes and a 70% chance that someone else with information will be shot in 10, followed by a 50% chance that you will be shot in 20 plus a 50% chance that someone else with key information will be killed instead,  and a 100% certainly that you will die in 30 if you haven't figured convoluted plotting out, then how stupid are you for allowing the annoying DA to slowly tell her dramatic rape story, complete with inconsequential details about her feelings of power?

Never underestimate the importance of mastering the game of Pictionary

When planning on raping a spunky DA, remember to keep your baseball equipment out of reach

Rent/Bury/Buy

Eh. Instant Watch or not, there’s hardly anything in Nine Dead worth recommending. Not exploitive enough for trashy fun and nowhere near suspenseful for an actual good viewing. I imagine digging into Daniel Baldwin’s imdb catalog will yield something more interesting. Let’s see:

Yup. Lots better to choose from.