Hello Mary Lou! It's...Urban Legends 3

As we begin the welcome process of closing down 2020, it's nice to think back to the handful of good things this year of horrors has brought us. Among them...um...my antibodies? 

Oh, and on a personal note, my rediscovery of Urban Legend and first time enjoyment of its sequels.

Quick Plot: It's prom night, 1969, and shy Mary has snagged herself a popular jock as her date. Strings are attached, as it turns out said gentleman caller and his pals are really just out to roofie a few unsuspecting seniors via some laced punch. Mary ends up dead, though if you say her name three times, you just might flash forward to 2005's Sam (a young Kate Mara), regaling her slumber party pals with some urban legend tales involving poor Bloody Mary, trapped forever in a locked treasure chest.

Turns out, Mary has been waiting 35 years to come back for her revenge, doling it out creatively on the teenage offspring of all her former classmates responsible for her fate. We've got a Final Destination 3-esque tanning bed demise, CGI spider eggs disguised as a pimple, death-by-peeing-on-an-electrical fence, and more. 

The Final Destination 3 similarities don't end there: any specific connection to the first two Urban Legend films is essentially brushed away by a "hey! I found this article on the internet about other urban legend-inspired killings." I suppose you could count the more uncomfortable ties as well: as in the first Urban Legend, a dog is killed (part 2 was kind enough to only do so in its movie within the movie) and as with Loretta Divine's Reese, the film's only black character can easily be charmed by complimenting her on her resemblance to Foxy Brown.

Directed by Pet Sematary (and Pet Sematary 2)'s Mary Lambert, Bloody Mary is clearly itself a fan of the horror genre. That's not surprising when you see that the script was cowritten by Krampus/Trick 'r Treat's Michael Dougherty. It shares some DNA of the post-Scream self-aware dead teenager flick, but also has some deep affection for older films, particularly the glorious Hello Mary Lou: Prom Night II. 

The early aughts were a weird time for pop horror. Scream-infused slashers were slowly dying away, while The Ring's success made J-Horror the hot new style. Saw would burst onto the scene in 2004, bringing with it a whole new movement in nihilism and gore. Landing on DVD in 2005, Blood Mary feels in some ways like a carefully blended combination of these styles. There's dated CGI attempting bordering on silly, a ghostly dark-haired girl showing up to make faces, and a batch of beautiful young white people awaiting a truly horrid fate. 

That sounds kind of terrible, but when put together with just the right touch, it's a weirdly dumb good time.

High Points

While it's a little inconsistent, the overall tone of Bloody Mary feels just right. Teenagers are dying in bizarre and brutal ways, but, well, most of them are kind of awful to begin with, and Lambert's touch feels like it carries just the right weight to make the deaths land in decent taste (yes, I realize I'm saying high school students being burned to death in tanning beds or castrated by electric fences is tasteful, but some of you know what I mean)

Low Points

There's really only one relationship with any real heart, and that's Sam and her brother David. While it's refreshing to have a genuinely loving sibling bond, it also makes the ending and lack of, well, dealing with a key aspect of the ending rather unsatisfying

Lessons Learned

The most effective morning beauty routine involves wearing a perfectly matched Victoria's Secret bra and panties set and slipping into high heels before putting on your makeup

Complete confidence means nothing if your mom's a dirty alcoholic

Being isolated from your pals after watching your frenemies murdered will do wonders for the health of your hair

Look! It's- 

Pre-"I didn't even want to be in the Nightmare On Elm Street remake" Rooney Mara, Kate's little, now more famous sister as "Classroom Girl #1." Naturally, I got very distracted from the plot of Bloody Mary with my much more interesting new fantasy version of Whatever Happened to Baby Mara?

Rent/Bury/Buy

Bloody Mary is a fun time capsule of early 21st century teen horror, one that feels charmingly less hip than some of its more CW network-cast quickies. I watched it via Netflix disc (yes, I'm that old) and there's a cute making-of featurette that certainly took me back to a simpler time. It doesn't quite pack the same satisfying winks as the first Urban Legend, but it's a worthy entry into what turned out to be a surprisingly fun-filled series. 

The Defense Rests

You know what horror fans love more than good horror films? Bashing stuff.

Perhaps it stems from our general lack of self-esteem or, conversely, our immaculate perfection that simply can’t be pleased. Whatever the reason, few modern examples of the genre have the power to wow or by general consensus, mildly entertain the masses of Best Buy bonus point carrying, convention attending, blog reading movie fans.

It comes as no surprise that Platinum Dunes “remake” of Wes Craven’s A Nightmare On Elm Street has landed on such fiery bouts of angry criticism. Despite the presence of well-respected Jackie Earle Haley  and a no-nonsense R-rating, few ticketbuyers expected to be pleased, and most most likely entered the crowded theaters with greasy bags of chips on their shoulders. Having despised the uninspired mess that was 2009’s Friday the 13th (a film I expected to work due to its rather overrated source material), I personally had low expectations for Samuel Bayer’s film and yet, to the surprise of myself and shock of just about everyone I know, I enjoyed it.

Yes, I’m one of those five people and in building a safe fort for the positive few, I’ve decided to toss out a few defenses of the most pointed attacks hurled its way. Granted, I also took up a similar undertaking with Terminator Salvation and have since come to admit that McG’s work is rather dreadful, but for the sake of spring and cock-eyed optimism, here goes.

Stiff Acting

Sure, moany Rooney Mara isn’t the most likable final girl of recent memory, but can anyone really mount an actual defense of Heather “Smells Something Icky At All Times-Face” Lagenkamp? Aside from nostalgic effect in identifying with her untamed hair woes, the original Nancy wasn’t that interesting. Or well-acted. Similar words can be used for--suck in those tight cheekbones--Johnny Depp, who really brings nothing to Glen that isn’t in his glorious mane. Kyle Gallner, on the other hand, had an earnest, believably baggy-eyed presence as nice guy Not-Glen. I doubt he’ll ascend to commandeer the Black Pearl anytime soon, but hey. I liked him.

Ripped-Off Scenes

Remakes are a damed if you do, damned if you don’t montage of can’t win choices, and none embody that more than Nightmare’s take on recreating/reimagining some of the original’s iconic moments. While some fell flat--Nancy’s bathtub flirtation with a rusty glove felt obligatory and abrupt--others worked surprisingly well. Chris (aka Not-Tina)’s bed death was quite effective at jolting the audience around the room. Nods to the original were there--football jersey, ceiling drag--but rather than try to merely deliver a CGI makeover, Bayer hurled the poor young woman against the walls like a pitbull shaking a puppy, putting the shock in the toss rather than blood. It was the perfect marriage of homage and reimagining.

Dreams

Yes, most of Freddy 2.0’s nightmares were confined to an unimaginative boiler room and backyard, but you know what? So were Craven’s. Zsa Zsa Gabor and Dick Cavett didn’t enter the picture-in-picture until Dream Warriors, and Debbie’s Kafkaesque metamorphosis didn’t get going until Part 4. The Nightmare series remains memorable for its surreal playground, but those rusty gates didn’t open with Wes Craven’s original. Bayer didn’t really innovate the nightmare landscape, but he created a definite hell and more importantly, honed the rules of sleep to make the audience fully aware of just how dangerous--and unavoidable--a quick snooze can be.

Did I love this film? No, and shaky effects and dialog was primarily to blame. Still, in the time of Bijou Philips clutching an oversized bundle of CGI muss in It’s Alive! or the uninspired rehash-minus-suspense in The Hitcher. I’ll take a reboot that actually tries to, you know, reboot a dead franchise by infusing some form of new life, new story, or new hook to keep things fresh.

So let’s have Part 2! Providing, of course, that we keep the homosexual metaphors and homicidal gym supplies.