Blob It

Even the most loyal genre fan has her film holes. Who amongst us hasn't had to duck for cover when admitting those classics we haven't seen, only to finally seek them out and end up befuddled with the results. We sometimes find that the very genre-defining moments have since been defined with more skill, leaving us appreciating, if not necessarily enjoying the originals.

My love of 1988's underloved The Blob knows no bounds. I think it's a perfect horror film, filled with strong likable characters, an affectionate sense of place, and a kickass monster that remains terrifying 20+ years of technology later. 

(C'mon: TWO mullets in one movie? That can't be done with CGI)

And now allow me to confess: until a few days ago, I had never seen its source material. I had no real interest in doing so. My illicit relationship with Mystery Science Theater 3000 has educated me immensely on '50s monster movies and while I know there are true gems buried in the nuclear dust (Them! cannot be praised highly enough), I also rarely approach them expecting my life to be changed. 

But there’s only so long a gal can go before digging into the archives...

Quick Plot: In a friendly small town--one so good-natured that even the local ruffians agree they've been driving too fast lately--the world's second oldest teenager Steve (McQueen) puts the moves on Janey in his hotrod before almost hitting an old man that has just been partially blobbed before 'partially blobbed' became the universal phrase I hope it one day is. The sole town doctor sends Steve and Janey to Officer Dave while he gets fully blobbed but not too surprisingly, nobody with a badge wants to believe the troublemaking teens. 

As someone born in 1982, my knowledge of the '50s is defined by a combination of my parents' nostalgia and cinematic education. Though there are no poodle skirts or milkshakes to be found in The Blob, the film does encompass just about every other aspect I assumed was present in daily '50s life: dang kids, fast cars, movie house dates and blobs. My older readers can tell me if I'm wrong (which is highly unlikely because c'mon...blobs). 

There is no hesitation on my part to say that The Blob is a fun film. The actual monster is juicy and neat, something that surprisingly still works today. Seeing a town unite remains adorable, and Burt Bacharach’s hit theme song is so amazing even my CAT was entranced by the opening credits.

I can’t say I was ever actually frightened for the gee whiz youngins or concerned townsfolk, but I smiled throughout like someone who had just slurped down a delicious bowl of strawberry jell-o.

High Points

Though I can’t really say The Blob holds up as a frightening film, the effects remain effective (badom bom!) and an early car mechanic death is filled with gooey suspense

Low Points

I don't mean to kick the former 6 year old Kieth (that's how imdb spells it) Almoney in his now sensible 59 year old shoes, but I think his first big scene with big sis Janey might contain some of the worst acting ever attempting by a child performer

Lessons Learned

Just because some kid smacks into your wife on the turnpike doesn't make it a crime to be 17 years old. (On a side note, that’s a dark little character backstory that’s probably thankfully not explored eh?)

Much to the chagrin of eager cleaning ladies, one cannot just dust around fingerprints at a crime scene

Even in all-American towns, you can count on school principals to be stuffy and slightly British

The best way to deal with a global threat is to airdrop it in Antarctica. It's still cold there, right?

Stray Observations

As someone who has watched Killer Klowns From Outer Space more times than Costas Mandylor has done bicep curls, I was shocked to realize just how much that 1986 ball of cotton candy was inspired by The Blob. A few similarities:

-Officer Dave and his dubious fellow cops

-opening the film on a kissing couple’s quest to find the landing of a shooting star

-an ill-fated old farmer and his dog

-and dialogue as close as “He says Doc Hallen is dead. I’ve got to check it out!” in comparison to “They say some people are dead. Let’s hear them out!”

Rent/Bury/Buy

Horror fans owe it to themselves to dive into the gelatinous goop that is The Blob. It’s a piece of film history that represents a very specific era in cinema and while it probably won’t scare you with the same power as Chuck Russell’s 1988 remake, it’s easily entertaining in an aw shucks kind of way. The Criterion release features oodles of extras well worth the dip. Just don’t blame me when you find your head bopping along to theme song...for the rest of your life.

Stufffffffffffffff!

I love 1988’s The Blob. You should too. There’s absolutely no reason to not. If you need more proof, download the latest Girls on Film to hear me and a few special gals make audio love to one of the ‘80s’ greates horror movies.

It's gooey.

Also, there’s talk of Tokyo Gore Police and an extended discussion about shopping for bras in clearance bins.

It's educational.

In other news, there’s a new Rogue Cinema issue online, wherein you can find my reviews of the sleazy (in a good way) The Super, plus the anthology Tales of the Undead and the serial killer meanie The 11th Aggression. Go get some!

Lastly, the real reason you're still reading:

Let’s face it: you came here to be BurlyQ’d. And the best way to do that? Download the GleeKast Meets Podcast Podcast commentary track of course! How else are you going to hear a whole bunch of overly intoxicated podcasters impersonate Cher singing television theme songs of the ‘80s? 

So slip on those glitter butthands leotards and wagon wheel watusi your way to iTunes!

A Title With a Z, Just Cause the World Needs More

We all have some form of personal responsibility, something we take good care of and touch with carefully sanitized hands. Gardens. Cars. Book collections. While my desk is messier than a Double Dare game floor, my Netflix Queue is just about the most impeccable virtual list you’ve ever not seen. I always know my top 5 order and am quick to transfer any Instant Watch to its other queue. Never once have I opened my mail to a question mark.

Until last week, when I discovered a copy of Organizm in my hands. The premise sounded like something I’d watch: a deadly life form threatens to destroy Earth!--but I had no memory of adding it to my queue, especially when I discovered this was a made-for-SyFy Channel original.

Worst of all, in researching Organizm (i.e., reading the Netflix page), I discovered this film was now streaming on Instant Watch, meaning watching this movie cost three more days of delay when I could have been enjoying Up In the Air or something sure to be amazing called Blood Dolls.

My mood was not good.

Quick Plot: In a promising prologue, a young boy is given some Very Important Instructions from his loopy mother, who then proceeds to shoot his father in a laughably awful CGI effect. 

Flash forward some years where our moppet has grown into biology teacher Frank Sears (Johnathon Schaech) with mysterious scars, now driving full speed to a military base to offer some frantic warning. There he meets hazmat specialist soldier Carrie Freeborn (mini scream queen Erica Leerhsen) and her husband, the wheelchair-bound Glenn (Jason Wiles, who will forever be known to me as the artist who got Kelly hooked on cocaine in Beverly Hills 90210). Despite his pleas, the couple send some bubble wrapped scientists underground to investigate an abandoned research facility where a sealed band of dead brainiacs has been rotting for a few decades.

Turns out, there’s some sort of parasitic CGI-powered life form itching to feed on light, crawl over screaming extras, and turn the world into a computer generated Living Hell (it’s alternate title, IMDB trivia-explained as being what a test audience member described the viewing experience to be; I am dubious). The townspeople are represented by a cute but rather terrible child actress and her kindly Native American grandfather, while the military industrial complex wears the stern face of James McDaniel. 

As you can expect, the authorities make silly pigheaded decisions and our attractive leads act heroically. 

Organizm probably wasn’t made with high ambitions, although its helmer (Richard Jefferies) is responsible for one of my favorite underseen ‘80s meanies, Scarecrows. There’s nothing horrifying about the film, which is probably more to do with the filmmaking restrictions of crafting a quickie for a two-hour timeblock timed for commercials advertising Scare Tactics. The concept has some juice to it and anything somewhat Blob-related works to a certain extent, but the film doesn’t ever exceed its expectations. It works for 90 minutes. Then ends. 

I don’t remember much else.

High Points

While there are plenty of misses (not missus) in the cast, the performances are overall strong enough in that the actors take their roles seriously

Low Points

Sorry, Day of the Dead '08 :  It appears you’ve lost the one superlative you wore so well: Organizm takes the crown for Worst CGI Gunshot To the Head of all time

Lessons Learned

It’s okay to let a man rub blood all over your naked body if your husband died thirteen hours earlier, providing there’s a heavy soundtrack of Native American chanting to make the mood classy

Always know where to find a projector

Never underestimate the importance of upper arm strength, particularly if you don’t otherwise possess any movement in your lower half

Rent/Bury/Buy

Well don’t rent it, since any Netflix subscriber can see the film on Instant Watch and SyFy recerivers will probably catch it (sans one awkward moment of nudity) on a Sunday marathon. As far as made-for-cable obscurity or European television market thrillers go, Organizm is just fine. The acting is believable enough, the biology sound (to my 9th grade A- grade experience) and save for the typical SyFy CGI, some of the effects are decent. I doubt I’ll ever seek out Organizm for a second viewing but those fans of science-y time fillers shouldn’t hate me too much if I suggest not switching the channel if nothing else is on. Nothing special, but acceptable for those with a particular computer flavored taste.

Touch Down, Doll's House Style

Break out the guacamole and beer, it’s Super Bowl Sunday! Watch grown men hug in tight tight pants! Pity well-toned cheerleaders prancing around in hopes of staying warm enough to not catch pneumonia! See millions of dollars spent on talking babies advertising websites that will probably be gone by the time Shutter Island finally premieres!

Or don't. Not a football fan? How unAmerican (literally, as who else in their right mind watches football?). Thankfully, there are alternative activities appropriate for  this February 7th, and I'm not talking about the Animal Planet's Puppy Bowl (although that is damn adorable).

Queue up the television and gear up for a non-football Sunday involving football in genre film!

The Blob 1986

One of my favorite underappreciated horror films of the ‘80s, Chuck Russell’s remake (!!!) is a must for any horror devotee. Original gore, surprising kills, and a genuine spirit of fun makes this 1988 film (with a script co-written by some Stephen King fan named Frank Darabont) rewarding viewing for any day...particularly if you’re not a fan of football.

The Blob doesn’t do much with the sport, but one of its best twists revolves around its assumed Big Man On Campus hero, a nice young man in a letter jacket who seems poised to save the cheerleader and annihilate the giant thickened liquid devouring its way through local diners and movie theaters. He’s handsome in that bland kind of high school way but, as his premature fate proves, dude's got nothing on Kevin Dillon’s fabulously mulleted badboy. Consider this soon-to-be-remade-again classic a touchdown for outsiders harnessing death wishes on wedgie making jocks.

The Running Man

True, there’s never a wrong time to pop in this 1987 Arnold Schwarzenegger gem. Between the kickass action, colorful villains (where else have you seen a homicidal opera singer dressed like Lite Brite?) brilliant dialogue (“I’ll be back!” “Only in a rerun.”), and ahead of its time satire, Paul Michael Glaser gives Stephen King--excuse me, Richard Bachman--a worthy adaptation of fun and violent goofiness. 

In 20 years, this is probably the kind of show that would air immediately after the big game, and I for one would be far more thrilled to sit through Jesse Ventura’s Captain Freedom punching a neon spandex-wearing muscle man than a special guest star clogged episode of Friends. And hey, with two politicians playing lead roles, what could be more American. Still not sold on its pigskin pedigree? What if I told you the reigning champion of The Running Man (the game, not the movie) was former Cleveland Browns star Jim Brown? And his character is named Fireball? Because his weapon of choice is a flamethrower? Plus, there's hockey for the Canadians, classical music for the cultured, and Richard Dawson for the elderly fans of Family Feud. Everybody's a winner (except for most of the cast, who die)!

The Faculty

Looking past the somewhat dated CGI, Robert Rodriguez’s hybrid high school sci-fi/horror is arguably one of the best--or at least, freshest--genre films of the 1990s. Take a Dawson’s Creek ready cast of walking teenage archetypes, sprinkle in some killer cameos (Salma Hayek, Jon Stewart, Piper Laurie, to name a few) and inject some Invasion of the Body Snatchers style  and you get a successful mash-up of homage and new horror. 

But what makes this soft R-Rated 1998 flick worth your Super Bowl Sunday? Did you hear the part where I mentioned it’s set in high school? And let me add, a small town. If films and television have taught us anything, it’s that any middle America hamlet is required to devote half its budget and much of its glory to football. The Faculty has a lot of fun with this, cheekily showing the benefit of a close-contact game when you’re trying to take over the world with an easily transmitted alien virus. Shawn Hatosy‘s star quarterback even gets a poignant identity crisis storyline, but it’s ultimately Robert Patrick who makes this a film to replace the first two quarters  you were planning on devoting to the Saints & Colts. Strict sports coaches can be a scary thing--I’ve seen Freddy’s Revenge--but only the T-1000 himself can succeed at being so coldly menacing while wearing a pair of unflattering gym shorts.

Play Zombies Ate My Neighbors

Granted, this one takes a little nostalgic pack-rackism on your part, but if you've saved that dusty Super Nintendo system and more importantly, this superbly fantastic game, you've got an entire Sunday of pure bliss staring at you in 16 bit graphics. 

The story is simple: a small town with an abundance of water pistols, beaches, Egyptian musuems, castles, shopping malls, hedge mazes, and toxic waste dumps has been invaded by a whole lot of classic movie monsters (including, but not limited to mummies, vampires, werewolves, axe-throwing dolls, clones, Tremors, 50' tall babies, spiders, giant ants, Martians, blobs, and of course, the titular undead). Your job? Save as many civilians as you can. As cheerleaders are worth the most points, Zombies Ate My Neighbors is more than fitting for Super Bowl Day, especially since one level is set on a football field where your character must dodge fast gliding quarterbacks to grab the bouncing blond. 

So good luck to the betting men and women out there, go Colts if you're a Colts fan, Saints if you're a Saints fan, and godaddy.com if you're a daddy dot com. Otherwise, happy sort-of genre film football day to all!