Hippity Hoppity Homicide

Controversial, religious, or rainy, Easter weekend is more than just an excuse to gorge yourself on Cadbury Creme Eggs. Namely, it’s a time to watch seasonal horror movies! A few recommendations:

Critters 2: The Main Course

One of the few genre films specifically set during Easter and for a very good reason: critters hatch from eggs, and what better way to feast upon an idyllic small town than by Trojan horse-plowing your way into the homes and baskets of tasty locals?

Jesus Christ: Vampire Hunter

And on the third day, Jesus rose...to kick some undead ass. According to this affectionally campy musical/action/horror/wrestling romp, Christ will sing, dance, and spin kick through sunglass-wearing gangs of blood drinkers, especially if the monsters are on the prowl to purge the world of its lesbian population. It’s as silly as its title suggests (note that I haven’t even mentioned the luchador sidekick or voice-of-god speaking through an ice cream sundae) but this low budget oddity is a surprisingly good time and way more fun than Sunday mass.

Night of the Lepus

I often take issues with fear snobs sneering at the threat of killer dolls, but I’ll confidently eat my Easter bonnet to say bunnies are not, never were, and can never be scary. Perhaps the best proof is offered in this infamous flop(fy eared) 1972 monster flick, in which giant rabbits wreak havoc on mankind and Janet Leigh. It’s adorable.

Fear No Evil


I usually recommend this 1981 entry into the antichrist subgenre for its see-it-to-believe-it death by dodgeball, but to be timely, we could also cite the subplot passion play for the perfect Easter Sunday (or Good Friday) viewing. A smiling actor playing an actor playing Jesus (and fittingly voiced by the director in one of the best cameos since Hitchcock) gets more than church community adoration when Satan’s teenage son accepts his legacy at the town’s annual celebration. Needless to say, next time you subject yourself to theatrical crucifixion, it’s best to ask for a stunt double.

Black Sheep

Zombies moan. Body snatchers shriek. Asian ghost girls make strange clicking sounds. But only genetically altered New Zealand lambs bleat, as this 2006 horror comedy proudly proves. While I’ve always been a tad reluctant to chow down on the lamb chops my grandmother made on Easter (particularly when cardboard sheep were smiling in decoration form around the kitchen), the man-eating mammals here remove any guilt I have dishing out seconds.

Fatal Attraction

In keeping with the theme, one could easily argue that Glen Close’s golden perm bears a striking resemblance to Lampchop herself. Plus, a bunny stew served by an obsessive murderess is the perfect Easter dinner, particularly for psychopaths in need of solid protein for another night of stalking.

Arachnophobia

Okay, so there’s no Mega Spider vs. Giant Bunny action here, but the main threat in this likable 1990 creature features is a nest of hidden eggs. What’s more festive than that?

Did I pass over any of your favorites? (See what I did there, Pass-ov--never mind) . Bad punning or not, add or your own and have a great Peeps-At-Half-Price Monday!

The Devil Wears Gym Shorts

I don't know how to say this, so I'm just going to throw it out: Fear No Evil boasts not one but two of the greatest kills ever put on screen.


I'm lying:


One of the greatest kills and THE best absurd trigger for teenage suicide. Ever.


If you don't believe me, then clearly one of the following statements is true:


1) You've never questioned the ethics of high school dodgeball.
2) You are thoroughly fascinated and possibly a tad titillated by male breasts.


Aaah, Fear No Evil, a 1981 homoerotic Omen-inspired teen thriller I learned about via Kim Newman's excellent cinematic study, Nightmare Movies. This is the kind of earnestly made indie smart enough to know that an ambitious low budget horror should combine proven formula, a unique spin, and talent. Fear No Evil doesn't have a lot of any, but somehow, there's enough creativity and simple bizarreness to make it work by amusement, if not terror.

The antichrist is gayer than South Park's Satan, the school bully's most badass move is to spin his history teacher's globe and an old priest that resembles Malcolm McDowell's hobbitized cousin can outrun Lucifer while stumbling with a scythe and bad knee. Do you really need to know any more?


Quick Plot: Somewhere in the depths of upstate New York, baby Andrew's baptism erupts into a splattering (yet apparently harmless) bloodbath, leaving his parents to spend all of 45 seconds worth of voiceover bickering and demonstrating their 18 years of marital strife. 

Now a moody teen with Chuck Bass's cheekbones and a talent for making heavy objects fall non-fatally on older women's heads, Andrew has accepted his status as the human incarnation of Lucifer with little qualms or instruction. Meanwhile, a gleefully ridiculous collection of high school stereotypes perform what seems to be a non-musical adaptation of Grease! and a dull angel hopes to stop Andrew from ruining the town's annual beach pageant of an Easter Passion Play. Oh yeah. And there are zombies. Kinda.

Let's be clear: Fear No Evil is not a good film. The acting ranges from blankly empty to bigger than Nicolas Cage's burning Wicker Man shouting. Plotlines die quieter deaths than a 21st century Meg Ryan movie and the final special effect looks like the Hall of Fame background on an 80s arcade game.


So no, it's not good, but it's a helluva lot more fun than Casablanca and more rewatchable than The Omen. You won't find Gregory Peck wearing Frank N Furter's hotpants or an Italian Stalliony bully picking on the antichrist by kissing him in the shower during gym class, now will you.

High Points
There's no groundbreaking story here, but I'll give writer/director Frank LaLoggia credit for not connecting what could be cliche plot dots to tell the same old tale


I don't want to know what body parts the producers sold to get some actual good--albeit at times, too literal to the onscreen action--songs like the Talking Heads' Psycho Killer


Death. By. Dodgeball.

Low Points
While I wouldn't dream of losing dad's "My son's THE DEVIL!" pub tirade, it's frustrating that he has no real resolution

Having reincarnated angels is interesting enough, but good girl Hulie lacks any of the weird (okay, cheesy) energy of the rest of the film


Does Andrew want to be Lucifer? Would he choose a different life? Is there any internal strife going on there? Based on the script and lead performance, I have absolutely no idea.

Lessons Learned
Like many an acting gig, playing Jesus Christ has its highs (adoration from the town children) and lows (crucifixion)

Smoking pot does not make your breasts grow, but slipping the tongue to Satan's son will


Upstate NY bullies have very unrealistic definitions of small breasts


Do not assign the antichrist 50 pushups unless you're really good at dodgeball

Stray Observations
The Rhea Perlmen-esque leader of the Pink Ladies--I mean B's--wears a knit beret and peacock feather that prove for a fourth time that Season 5's Kenley really wasn't that original.


I've managed to cite Gossip Girl and Project Runway in this review, proving, in fact, that I am female. Or maybe I'm just a man who's made out with Lucifer a few too many times

Rent/Bury/Buy
My enthusiasm seems to point you towards a buy, but that's really reserved for those fans that treasure lovably bad horror. In terms of actual quality, I'd rank Fear No Evil somewhere above Sleepaway Camp and well, Black Roses. Those with a low tolerance for lactose should probably take a straight shot of The Omen II and move on, while for casual old school horror fans, a rental should suffice. The DVD includes some behind-the-scenes footage and commentary by cinematographer and writer/director Frank LaLoggia, who offers some enlightening editing info that somewhat justifies the inclusion of misplaced zombies. This isn't the worst or best bad movie of all time, but I don't know of any others that dispose of school bullies and nagging mothers with such ridiculous creativity.