Marcia Marcia Marcia!

It must be hard to be the ugly twin. Humans are insecure enough without the constant reminder that someone with all the same potential is using it in a better way. Likewise, Hollywood is often prone to birthing a pair of fraternal films that share a unique or timely concept. Because us audiences are generally unable to tell Bill Paxton apart from Bill Pullman, the very idea of similarly plotted films often feels cruel and intolerable, thus dooming one to certain box office death. We’ve seen it in the art houses when the mighty Philip Seymour Hoffman’s Capote slew poor little Toby Jones’ Infamous. and we’ll soon be served with two dueling helpings of Sherlock Holmes. In terms of genre cinema, here are a few examples of double features and some thoughts on how time has aged them.

1996: Independence Day / Mars Attacks

Connection: hostile aliens, ensemble casts, big budget

With the economy booming and humans enjoying themselves way too much on that new toy called the Internet, the film gods looked upon us and decided the world needed a serious beatdown. Aliens of all sizes were lining up to do some damage and while I hate to project a stereotype on any species, everybody knows that extraterrestrials do not respect the rules of the queue. The long-legged villains of Roland Emmerich’s Independence Day naturally took the lead over Tim Burton’s goofy little bobbleheads by premiering on its namesake holiday (hear that, Rob Zombie?). The July 4th opening famously cemented Will Smith’s Uncle Sammish reign over the start of summer, while Mars Attacks thudded into the Christmas Season. Whoulda thunk seeing the world vaporized by country music hating bug-eyed gremlins wouldn’t be popular with the mall-going December crowd? 

13 years later... While Independence Day has racked up its share of well-deserved criticism (golden retrievers with great timing, Harvey Fierstein's gravely whining, and an advanced inter-galaxy traveling species without Norton Anti-virus protection are just the start), the effects have aged decently enough and the initial attack still feels appropriately exciting to a popcorn munching, belief suspending viewer. Modern viewers are justified in scoffing at the faux nationalistic spirit and hokey pro-America attitude, but the rash of big dumb action flicks it has since inspired look and sound so much worse, it’s hard to claim Independence Day has aged poorly. Similarly, Mars Attacks remains a polarizing film, respected by some as a clever piece of pop art lampooning B-movies and hated by others as an overlong and overloud slog far less entertaining than it thinks it is. All in all, history and now remain in sync. 

Sixth Sense / Stir of Echoes

Connection: ghosts, haunted little boys, working class

1999 was a fantastic year for movies, so it’s natural that a few merely good ones might slip through the cracks. David Koepp’s Stir of Echoes, a surprisingly effective--if not overwhelmingly awesome--ghost story was thus doomed by its release date and four little whispered words: “I see dead people.” Talk about bad luck. M. Knight Shayamalan’s blockbuster juggernaut changed the nature of twist endings and helped--briefly--to restore some mainstream cred to scary cinema. It packed astonishing performances, oozy atmosphere, and one of the biggest shocks of its time. Stir of Echoes, on the other hand, was a solid little thriller aided by its blue collar setting and Kevin Baconness, yet limited by a familiar plot and Law & Order: SVU ish resolution. 

10 years later... While it’s certainly true that M. Knight can’t brag about spawning a Rob Lowe starring sequel, The Sixth Sense remains an admirable film that lives up to its hype. Despite the well-deserved backlash against the director’s later works and the fact that everybody and their kittens knows the twist, some memorable scenes--such as Cole's offscreen tussle with a servant in a friend's attic--still provide genuine chills. Stir of Echoes now gets the obligatory "Oh yeah, that was a good one" nod from later viewers. It certainly holds up as an effective thriller and makes for a decent night's viewing, but it remains a humble pearl in a year of gems.

Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors  /Bad Dreams

Connection: See below

It’s not surprising that a studio would want to market its film to subconsciously remind audiences of the most sucessful franchise of the 80s, but it sure is unfortunate that a haunting and well-acted thriller like 1988’s Bad Dreams (yes, your thesaurus is correct in noting that those words are a synonym for ‘nightmare’) would be dismissed as a quick cash-in to Freddy Krueger’s third and, according to many, best outing into Springwood. Really, the similarities between the films are surface level...it just happens that the surface is really thick:

-Both are set in the psychiatric wing of a laxly run mental asylum and focus on a diverse group of unstable patients

-Both share a middle aged male villain who died by fire and now wears some badass burns

-Both feature an elaborate collection of insanely creative deaths wrongly dubbed as suicides

-Both star Jennifer Rubin

You can see how an theater patron might get confused and ultimately choose the more familiar, if much wordier, title. And they did.

21 years later...Most fans of Freddy still contend that the Frank Darabont co-penned Part 3 is heads (perhaps even pizza topping heads) above other 6 sequels). At the same time, Bad Dreams continues to slowly win approval from late blooming DVD renters. Once removed from its Krueger connection--especially since, despite its title, there are no actual rapid eye movement set scenes--Bad Dreams does stand on its own as a solid 80s entry into the horror world. 

The Zombie Diaries / Diary of the Dead

Connection: title, downbeat ending, found footage device

The word 'diary' is associated more with a fourteen year old girl than gruesome flesh eater (I'm waiting for a truly sick combination of the two, by the way). In 2008, however, video journals were all the rage in the zombie genre. George Romero's pseudo guerilla style documentary hogged the theatrical attention, receiving a fair amount of critical praise but loads of hatred from the general horror community. Michael Bartlett and Kevin Gates’s British anthology, The Zombie Diaries, on the other hand, found its audience a month or year or two later (all depending on which country you call home) on DVD, where podcasts, blogs, and other webbish forms of communication spread that this was in fact one of the best zombie films in years. 

One year later...It's too soon to really call a winner here, but history is already warming up to favor The Zombie Diaries over the far too dated Diary of the Dead (even the Myspace reference feels like a relic a mere year later). Then again, when both films utilized a filming style that had and has since reared its shaky head in Cloverfield, REC, Quarantine, District 9, our sensitive stomachs can only wait and see what the world will make of home movie horror.  

I'm sure there is a shoe closet full of other pairs I'm forgetting, so add below and declare your winners.

Teenage Wasteland

Like many a diehard horror fan, I tend to let out a snooty scoff when a darkly lit trailer ends with the ominously voiced narrator slowing down to deliver a PG13 rating. I haven’t been 13 for some time, and even when I was, you could usually bet a few plastic rings and JNCO jeans that my allowance was funding films like Now and Then while my screams were hurled at Scream. Buy-and-switch sneak-ins were simply the norm, especially during the mid-90s, before studio heads discovered the market for young teenage thrillers.  

A few Screams and R.L. Stine novels later, producers wised up. Today, one can usually count on finding some form of horror  on the big screen and more often than not, it’s trimmed down to lure 14 year-old boys whose mothers have better things to do than escort them to an R-rated movie. It’s hard to imagine an AMC theater without mildly risque comedies and blue-hued remakes of Asian cinema, but the American PG13 rating is barely legal itself, having only been instituted in 1984 following the intense PG violence of films like Gremlins and Temple of Doom. (Parents, take note: just because Children Shouldn’t Play With Dead Things is rated PG does not mean it was the inspiration for Toy Story). Tobe Hooper famously tried for a PG with The Texas Chainsaw Massacre which seems laughable amid the rampant meathooks and cannibalism. In actuality, there’s little blood and no nudity, much like the inappropriately haunting PG rated classic Tourist Trap and today, both would most likely earn a PG13.

I bring this up in part as a response to the surprisingly lackluster opening weekend of Drag Me to Hell, the rare horror film that earned an incredible 86% positive critical rating (courtesy of Rotten Tomatoes) but garnered a mere $15.8 million at the box office. Were audiences were turned off the the unRaimi-like teenage-baiting rating?

Drag Me to Hell is not a masterpiece, but in my opinion, it should serve as a template for the potential of PG13 horror. Raimi doesn’t need the R because the film works with carefully orchestrated scares, subtle black humor, and perfectly timed cuts. You know, the way a traditional little horror movie is supposed to be.

Since the success of The Ring and the juggernaut that is Saw, American studio horror has, in a sense, been divided into hardcore Rs (Hostel, Halloween  ) and glossier PG13 (Prom Night,  The Fog). While there are plenty of nonformulaic gems nestled into the PG13 category, I confess to having a genuine bias towards films that seemed marketed and made for the mall crowd.

But as Drag Me to Hell reminds me, PG13 doesn’t have to mean neutered. Older classics like Jaws and The Haunting hold up because the scares aren’t dependent on the spillage of human innards (not that there’s anything wrong with that, as anything by Romero and its timeliness today proves). The Others and The Sixth Sense are prime examples of how ghost films do fine with showing less, while the bubblegum goofiness of Eight Legged Freaks gives you Starship Troopers violence without the boob and blood. Meanwhile, a piece of dreck like Captivity tried to capitalize on filmgoers tiring of CW network pretty boys and girls getting mildly injured by inserting over-the-top gore scenes that would make Jigsaw blush.

Personally, I’ll always heart an R-rated film that uses its freedom wisely. I admire the recent home invasion flick The Strangers for accepting an R despite limited violence that could easily have been edited down and I’ll cry the day Final Destination or the Chucky series starts to let 8th graders inside. But in the wake of such cinematic puke like Black Christmas 06, sometimes, a tamer, more disciplined PG13 like The Uninvited doesn’t look so deplorable. I’m the first to rail against something like a Hannah Montana headlined Battle Royale remake, but  ultimately, in the right hands, a good film can always be made.

Share your thoughts (or rants) below. I’m especially curious to hear about secretly good PG13, irresponsibly tagged PG film memories of the past, and your verdict on Snakes On a Plane’s R rating concession. 

Rugrats Worth a Rescue

For many horror audiences, the very presence of a prominent child character spells doom. One less death scene (I mean, with the exception of Who Can Kill a Child?, who CAN kill a child?), plus the more-than-likely chance that we’ll be subjected to an abstinence inspiring performance.

Every now and then however, those underage thespians impress. Sometimes, it’s pure dramatic talent, while other kids are simply likable enough to warrant survivor status. Upon watching the mediocre prequel Amityville II: The Possession, I realized that as much as I was craving the inevitable massacre, I wanted to spare the two youngest moppets, whose only cinematic crime was having an easily possessible older brother and an NRA enthusiast of a father. For that, they didn't deserve to die. Plus, they were cute.

This week’s countdown is devoted to the best kid characters in horror. Note that I'm sticking with those on the “good” side, because it’s far too easy write a linguistic shrine to Rhoda Penmark. In other words, expect a slow and uninspired day of mine to feature a linguistic shrine to Rhoda Penmark.

5) Corey Feldman as Tommy Jarvis, Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter

Remember when Corey Feldman was the brother you always wanted? A few years before he became the neighbor with great pot connections you wish would move upstairs and well before his semi-stardom as the slightly less annoying half of an uexceptionally unexceptional reality start couple you’d like to see exiled to a Battle Royale-esque Fox TV contest? Yeah, prior to puberty, Feldman was a unique presence onscreen, particularly when he played  the only memorable (and perhaps likable) character in a Friday the 13th film. As Tommy, Feldman was a resourceful Fangoria fan who knew a thing or two about monster hunting. His subsequent reincarnations--first as a disturbed teen and then as a bland grave-digging idiot--didn’t quite fulfill his alter ego’s destiny, but for once, Jason had a victim worth the chase and a slasher sequel rose above the Dead Teenager Genre. )

4)  Ivana Baquero as Ofelia, Pan’s Labyrinth

Guillermo Del Toro is a man of many talents, but much like a better-known American director soon to appear on this list, one of his most admirable strengths is his unique ability to direct children. The Devil’s Backbone features an entire orphanage of sympathetic pre-teens and Cronos has a perfectly cast (and totally adorable) little girl at its heart, but it’s Baquero‘s Ofelia who takes the mini-Oscar. Many child-starring films brand the main kids as supporting actors, but Ofelia is front and center throughout most of this horrific, historic fantasy. Whether she’s taking instructions from a CGI faun or standing up to her facsist stepfather, Ivana Baquero maintains a worldly dignity that transcends age.

3) Heather O'Rourke as Carol Ann, Poltergeist

Poltergiest is the perfect bargain horror film because there’s something scary for every audience. You may have outgrown your fear of that gumby-armed clown doll under the bed (although admit it: there’s no way you’ve outgrown your fear of that gumby-armed clown doll under the bed) but as an adult, the terror of losing your child suddenly takes on new and more terrifying implications. Cast Heather O’Rourke as the kidnappee in question and you can multiply that fear by a thousand Zelda Rubenstiens (but she’s small, so let's make it one thousand Zeldas standing on top of CraigT. Nelson’s shoulders). O’Rourke doesn’t do a whole lot in the first Spielbergian commandeered Hooper collaboration, but her angelic presence casts a deep and haunting mood over the the entire series. The tragedy of her young death amplifies this sadness so much that I find Part III unbearable to watch (plus, it’s a really bad movie).

2) Alex Vincent as Andy Barkley, Child’s Play

For quite a few years following my initial viewing, I ranked Child’s Play to be the most terrifying film of all time and attributed this declaration to two personal factors: 1) I was petrified of dolls and 2) I was six years old. Over time, I’ve slowly come to face just why Chucky was my boogeyman: his primary prey was Andy Barkley. Watching Child’s Play today, I’m struck by how vital Alex Vincent’s performance truly is. Observe his joy upon hugging that Good Guy the first time and you realize just how lonely a boy this fatherless tike has become, making Chucky’s turn so much more cruel. It’s one thing to crack the limbs of your irresponsible voodoo teacher or to fry the brain of a dubious child psychologist; it’s just pure evil to make a ice little boy cry.

1) Haley Joel Osment as Cole Sear, The Sixth Sense

Say what you want about the degeneration of M. Night Shayamalan as a filmmaker (are we throwing hives of killer bees? Because I should stretch first) but admit one fact: Haley Joel Osment’s performance as Cole Sear is heartbreaking. Playing the role of a dead-people-seeing outcast, Osment moves like a frightened deer and carries himself like an insomniac whose only moments of peace are nightmares Freddy Krueger would be scared to visit. The most terrifying scene comes early, as a cruel party prank places Cole in a locked closet with a raging ghost. When he finaly emerges, the look on 11 year-old Osment’s face is pure terror. Sure, he may have lost our sympathy in Pay It Forward and deserved a good mauling in The Country Bears , but Forrest Gump Jr. created a character that will always be worth a cuddly Bruce Willis's bodyguard defense.

So dear readers, which school-aged horror characters would you like to keep save from spirits, slashers, stranglers, and sadists?