Probably Better Than the Geico Cavemen TV Show

To 21^st century Western audiences, the first thing we picture when someone shouts the word “Gecko!” (as they do so often) is, I assume, a computer animated auto insurance mascot with an admittedly adorable British accent. Strange to think that just two decades past, these fringe lizards were considered terrifying.

Or not. But in 1997, someone sure decided to make a movie about them on a killing spree!

Quick Plot: Amy is a mysterious pink-haired traveler heading back to her family’s childhood winter cabin. In tow is a pair of goldfish, her loyal cat Frankie, and a bag of hundred dollar bills that surely came from honest hard work. It seems like Amy will be enjoying a quiet, relaxing vacation until rat-like critters start swiping Frankie’s wet food and eating Amy’s cake.

At the general store, Amy grabs some traps and catches the attention of Marshall, a nerdy young biologist doing his own research on some of the animal life in the region. The pair head home to discover the creatures in question are actually some new species of geckos (that sadly don’t speak with British accents) who seem to possess a unique and terriffffyiiiiing  ability to instantly evolve with their surroundings.

Oh yeah, and they killed Frankie.

Now up to this point, Amy (as played by Pamela Gidley) has been likable in a cute-quirky kinda way. Most of her dialogue was one-sided conversations with her beloved feline, so you assume that finding him filleted on her bathroom floor would be traumatizing to our lonely heroine.

Were I to discover Mookie or Joplin’s corpse, there would be, to put it mildly, a Peckinpah-esque reckoning. I woud pop heads from bodies, chew ears off in one bite, sever genitals with my feet, and breathe fire upon whatever bits might be left.

Point is: you do not f*ck with a crazy cat lady’s kids.

Every film has a turning point, and some have turning points built in for their audience. In the case of Aberration, my opinion on this film turned when Amy treated the death of her cat as an excuse to make awful one-liners.

I am sensitive that way.

Also, Aberration isn’t THAT good to begin with. It has a refreshingly different premise and up to a certain point, the actors are likable enough to sell the material, but the film never seems to decide whether it wants to go full-out horror or Evil Dead winky humor. The monsters are adorable cheap puppets that add plenty of charm, but the style doesn’t fully embrace its more ridiculous elements. Once the danger becomes apparent, the dialogue becomes sarcastic but not clever as the characters treat the man-eating gecko thingies more like a minor annoyance than life-threatening enemy. You almost wonder if director Tim Boxell realized while filming that he couldn’t achieve true horror, so he started to switch the tone on the fly.

It doesn’t quite work. Once Marshall (Simon Bosell, whose name rhymes with the director’s and causes me to suspect shenanigans) takes center stage, the film seems to want to harness some sort of heroic nerd power theme. But Bosell doesn’t quite seem up to the task of channeling Bruce Campbell. By this point, we’ve already seen the cute ugly gecko puppet thingies played off as less threatening than the third act Russian mobster (trust me), so to treat the monsters as truly dangerous just doesn’t work. And all Amy can do is moan about being cold and not, you know, ABOUT HOW THEY KILLED HER CAT.

Maybe I’m just biased on this one.

High Points

Geckos! Puppet geckos! I don’t care how silly they may be: they’re something new. And slightly cute.

Although the cut between human actor and prothetic puppetry is quite obvious, it still must be said that the gore of the extremely low budget Aberration is actually quite groovy

Low Points

Overall, the messy tone of the film. It's almost charming, but also, you know, not that good. It's nice to see actors try to embrace their inner goof, but when it doesn't work, it just comes off as annoying

Lessons Learned

If planning on stealing money from you dangerous thug boyfriend, try to avoid hiding in the very place you used to spend hours telling him about

Geckos don’t have teeth!

Nobody robs from Yuri

Awkward Line That Makes You Realize Your CCL Level

“No, you can’t get in the bath with me,” quotes the woman to her cat. At least I’m not the only one who’s had to say that…to her cat

Rent/Bury/Buy

Aberration isn’t readily available, but those with Netflix Instant Watch can catch it in its fuzzy glory. The film isn’t necessarily worth a big time investment, but at a brisk 90 minutes, it’s not the worst background filler to have on while playing laser pointer with your cat. I can’t see myself having any desire to revisit Aberration, but it was a breezy time waster and heck: I’ve seen worse. Then again, it probably won’t save you money on your car insurance so really, what’s the point?

They're Small AND Icky

After the mind-blowing awesome that was the mind-blowingly terrible Pieces, there was no way in the underworld I would pass up the Instant Watch convenience of director J.P. Simon’s Slugs.

Considering all the wonderful things  Pieces director J.P. Simon was able to do with a gory slasher (among them: chainsaws and kung fu) you can imagine my excitement when I learned that master of cinema had made something for The Shortening, a legendary creature feature about…

Say it with me: SLUGS!

Quick Plot: A small American town is experiencing some oddities, from a pair of teens dying on a lake to an old man being discovered with his face eaten off and most entertainingly, a yuppie closing a business deal in a posh restaurant exploding from the inside out as li’l mealy worms cover what used to be his head. Thanks to the heroism of local health inspector Mike Brady (seriously) and his teacher/gardener wife, the culprits are found:

SLUGS! Big black SLUGS! They crawl…

Slowly.

They bite…

When you put your finger right up to their mouths.

They eat…

Lettuce.

When you slap at them gently with a kitchen pan…

They die.

But you know, round up a ton of them, lay them on your parents’ bedroom floor and you can bet your boyfriend’s letterman jacket that your naked body is going to be their supper.

Like Pieces, Slugs is not a good film. Like Pieces, it IS a good time.

First of all, it’s about slugs (you probably figured that out from the title). Now I’m not innocent of coming home late to discover a brown glob on the stoop and say “Ew, a slug.” As bugs or mollusks or whatever they are go, there’s something innately disgusting about slugs. I’d probably make a pained face if I could one crawling on my leg and would certainly write to the health department if I found one in my salad. But you know, as monsters go, slugs are, well, let’s brainstorm words we associate with slug:

Slow.

Small.

Gooey.

Slow.

Sluggish.

Slow.

You get my point. The slugs of Slugs are mutant slugs, so that makes them more fierce but still: open a canister of Morton salt and I’m pretty sure you’ll be safe.

We can forgive Slugs such follies when the film hosts brilliant dialogue as such:

(upon discovering a couple has been killed) “Ah geez. They were nice people! I liked them a lot!”

The token resistant authority figure in dismissing the heroic health department supervisor: “You ain’t got the authority to declare happy birthday!”

And an alcoholic character admitting her problem to her husband in the most casual of ways:

“I’m sorry for being a bitch so much of the time.”

“The real problem is—“

“My drinking. I know. Maybe I should see someone about it?”

Subplot solved! Until her husband’s innards are eaten inside out due to the slug-spiked salad he had earlier consumed. If that doesn’t drive you back to the sauce, you are a superhero.

High Points

As with Pieces, there’s no fault in Simon’s skill and spare-nothing attitude when it comes to gore. Between slug explosions and eye socket tetherball that would put Eli Roth to shame, Slugs brings the gore in full force

Low Points

Unless Pieces, Slugs just didn’t quite hold me with the same giddy fervor. Perhaps the final act has too much administrative conflict when really, we just want to see people get slugged

Fashion Show!

Between Mrs. Brady’s out of this world purple hologram striped thingy (with PEARLS!) and a teen character’s curled mullet, Slugs is oozing with ‘80s style

Odd Homage

Okay, I doubt Simon was trying to reference Roman Polanski, but I SWEAR that angry jazz score that played as the film’s ill-fated gardener chopped off his own hands due to sluggings was used in Repulsion

Lessons Learned

What would old men say about their daughters sleeping with burnouts? They probably have cows, that’s what!

If your husband embarks on a dangerous mission and leaves you with the words “when I get back, how about we get naked and crazy?” you can bet your mumu that you will never see him alive again

When fleeing your would-be rapist, always consider the alternative to being a victim of sexual assault. In this case, said alternative is getting eaten alive by mutant slugs. No man can take that choice away from you

Rent/Bury/Buy

Slugs isn’t quite on par with the silly wonder of Pieces, but it remains a cheerily bad good time from the ‘80s. If you have 90 minutes and Netflix Instant, I can’t think of TOO many better ways to spend your time. I suppose options could include eating Cheetos, playing laser pointer with your cat, or doing your taxes but really, all these things and more could be accomplished while watching Slugs. So don’t be SLUGGISH about it.

Sometimes my inner Crypt Keeper just can’t be silenced.

Mmmmm...Ambrosia Salad? Oh. A DIFFERENT Food of the Gods

Going into Food of the Gods, I had no intention of doing a review. I turned it on, hit up the Internet, and had planned to spend the next hour or so occasionally glancing up at the screen for ‘70s wackiness while paying bills and answering old emails.

But then a rubber chicken the size of Chewbacca attacked our permed quarterback of a hero and I realized there was no way I could not write about this film.

It must be said: Food of the Gods makes Frogs look like a masterpiece.

Quick Plot: Eager to take a break in the comfort and innocence of nature, football star Morgan grabs a few buds and heads off to a sparsely populated island. Before you could say touchdown, one member of the posse is mauled to death by oversized wasps. It’s a tragedy. It’s bizarre. But the levelheaded Morgan decides alerting the authorities is a dreadful idea because they’ll never believe him.

Also, because he’s an idiot.

Elsewhere on the island are the recently widowed Ida Lupino (hamming it up in a film just a hair better than The Devil’s Rain), an evil scientist and his assistant (And Soon the Darkness’ Pamela Franklin), and a very pregnant couple who are boring and very pregnant. 

Oh, and herds of Rodents of Unusual Sizes that would be adorable if they weren’t trying to rip you apart with their fuzzy little mouths.

The terrible evil scientist, you see, has been developing some form of toxin that makes living things grow to immense proportions. Much like Lisa Simpson in that science fair subplot, he rationalizes his Frankensteinian crime with the idea that such food could be fed to all the poor orphans of the world. 

Don’t worry: he gets eaten by the cuddly rat puppets too.

You don’t need to know much else about this movie, made by that incorrigible, oft-MST3K’d Bert I Gordon (Earth Vs. the Spider, Village of the GIants, childhood favorite Empire of the Ants, etc). Too many characters survive. The mean ones die painful and hilarious deaths. The dumbest narrator in the history of film (yes, I’m including Diary of the Dead’s Deborah) slurs his way through a framing setup. Not a single creature looks anywhere near either a) real or b) large. If these descriptions don’t make you grin, this is not the movie for you.

High Points

Sorry, but I can’t not love a movie that has its female protagonist sweetly proposition the male hero with sex right as he’s about to set fire to a bunch of bear-sized rats

Low Points

For what it is, this is a perfect(ly bad) movie that will make anyone expecting an animals attack tale exceedingly happy. HOWEVER, a bone to pick with the ending: I’m not one to ever quarrel with a film that ends on what is supposed to be an ominous shot of a cow mooing into the future, but I don’t think the twist makes any of the sense Gordon was intending. See, ingesting the Food of the Gods makes you giant. Soooooo what’s the problem with drinking it in milk form, especially if all other creatures are already getting a head start? Shouldn’t you WANT to grow to insanely large sizes in order to better defend yourself?

Lessons Learned

Jobs for female bacteriologists are just not that easy to find

A plus side about shooting giant toxic bees: instead of exploding into gutty messes, their innards just melt and evaporate upwards

if you live on a farm, you’ll know everything there is to know about birthing babies (unless, I suppose, you’re black)

Rent/Bury/Buy

Currently streaming on Instant Watch, Food of the Gods is a riot and joy for those who enjoy awful ‘70s cinema. Great for kids or easily amused adults, it offers no intelligence, no scares, and no good taste. In other words, it’s some kind of wonderful.

Go Fish

Sunday. 10 AM. This:

Quick Plot: It’s a “big financial week” for Lake Victoria as spring break sends in all the obnoxious, tanned, and impressively trim twentysomethings for a few days of wearing bathing suits and dancing on boats to the whooing! of overly excited extras. Sheriff Julie Forester (played by Elisabeth Shue, aka the World’s Greatest Babysitter) prepares for the usual drunken shenanigans while her likable teenage son Jake stumbles upon the role of location scout for a Girls Gone Wild-esque production company.

It’s the dream job for any high schooler, but Jake's smile fades quickly due to the intense Joe Francis-ness of a hammy Jerry O’Connell and last minute invitation of his crush, Kelly (notable only for the fact that she’s played by a Gossip Girl cast member). Sure, that’s a bummer, but the sunny day gets even worse when the town discovers their wet t-shirt contests are being judged above a school of prehistoric and pretty hungry piranhas...in 3D!

Yes, there are boobs, Jaws references (despite the absence of a mayor, it seems to be an unspoken law to not close the water), boobs, penis feasts, boobs, and even actual breast implants (specifically). The primary characters are pretty much transported directly from Eight Legged Freaks and the story, rushed and to the point. Like a lot of recent creature feature fare, Piranha 3D has a knowing goofiness about itself that simply wants you to be happy. It’s almost like the movie is a cold bottle of beer thrusting itself into your mouth (but not in a rape way).

This is not to say Piranha 3D is an instant classic (one of my least favorite oxymorons) or the best popcorn flick since Orville Redenbocker discovered butter,. The movie has its flaws but like last year’s My Bloody Valentine, it knows its audience and has fun giving them what they paid for. The gloriously gruesome mass lake massacre is like a Jersey Shore viewer’s wet dream, made even juicier by the inclusuion of Eli Roth’s head getting squished by a piranha-scared boat.

High Points

I won’t reveal the opening cameo, but rest assured it’s a pretty great way to start a summer movie based in the water (even if mysterious guest star did walk through me without saying excuse me back in October)

Great Scott! Look who’s back:

Low Points

Though I dodged my usual 3D inspired headache, I did find myself squinting in minor pain in trying to decipher the piranhas through the foggy darkness. I understand that the lake was supposed to be polluted, but couldn’t there have been some sort of problem solving plot twist, like how piranhas urinate with cleansing light?

Note this guy is in a lighted aquarium. And he's still shady!

The Winning Line

“Hit it DJ Chocolate Thunder!”

I have a sneaking suspicion this is going to become my new go-to catchphrase

Lessons Learned

The reason to study pole dancing is primarily for developing life skills in order to escape carnivorous fish

Girls, how many Saw IVs and Piranha 3Ds do you have to see before you get it: when in a horror movie, pack a hair tie and for the love of Pantene, USE IT!

Piranhas eat humans in the same way shy girls on dates eat ribs, i.e., leaving most of the good meat on the bone

See/Skip/Sneak In

I’m starting to wonder if the new 3D trend is more to prevent theater hopping than to just juke up the ticket prices. This is a movie that doesn’t necessarily warrant $15 (though my cinema apparently has a $9 early bird show, making me thankful for my inner 75 year old) but it’s a darn good time that I thoroughly enjoyed. Summer cinema at its trashiest.

xoxo

There’s a Lightning Bug in the Doll’s House and It’s Making Me SQUIRM!

Actually, it’s making me happy as a ladybug on uppers that I got to watch Jeff Lieberman’s notorious 1976 classic, Squirm. I’m just guilty of a good headline. Hopefully, that’s just about all I share with the NY Post.

And thusly do I present a new, hopefully monthly segment here wherein everybody’s favorite South Carolinian blogging superstar T.L. Bugg (of The Lightning Bug's Lair fame) orders me to watch a film of his choosing. My only defense is to retaliate with a pick of my own. For our flagship movie club, I chose the 1989 Belgian John Waters (and Emily Intravia) favorite Baxter, a film I reviewed here ages ago and have strived to recommend to the rest of the world. Mr. Bugg’s review should be up today, so head over to catch his thoughts.  

Oh yeah. And he chose Squirm.

Quick Plot: Some TCMish text tells us that something mysterious happened one night in the small Georgia hamlet of Fly Creek. Following an angry thunderstorm, a few downed power lines are, unbeknownst to the incredibly folksy townspeople, sending thousands of volts underground to piss off an overwhelming population of pink Glycera worms who conveniently enough for a horror movie, have the voices of rabid elephants.

But let’s save that for the second hour of the film as the first is primarily devoted to pretty redhead Geri and her visiting big city nerd beau Mick. The would-be lovebirds have an exciting day planned filled with antiquing and fishing with a third wheel village idiot Roger, but a series of unfortunate events cause a few kinks. First, Mick earns the small town ire of the womanizing Sheriff when he discovers a worm in his aik reem (egg cream to us city folk). Rather than accept some added protein with his Brooklyn delight, Mick insults the big-haired waitress/prospective target of police sexual harassment and later reangers the man of the law by reporting a skeleton buried half-heartedly in Geri’s friend’s yard.

Clearly, something is amiss in Fly Creek but this being a ‘70s creature feature, nobody can be expected to act rationally in saving the doomed town. Perhaps it’s due to his helmet hairstyle, but Mick takes it upon himself to harness his inner Scooby Doo and crack the case, enlisting Geri to ‘distract’ suspect Roger, while he compares dental records pre-CSI style to identify the skeletal corpse (it helps that actor Don Scardino bares a slight resemblance to what I imagine Michael C. Hall’s awkward little brother must look like). 

Eventually--and it all does take a surprisingly long amount of time, proving that even in horror, Southerners are just dang slow--the super-race of angry earthworms emerge en masse to ooze through small openings and cause supporting characters to feel very icky.

Squirm is a pretty infamous film that holds the special title of being the penultimate feature presentation for MST3K. On one hand, the goofiness of Lieberman’s low budget yarn makes for ample riffing yet at the same time, it seems a little more aware of itself than truly misguided messes like City Limits or Manos: The Hands of Fate. You’d expect as much from the director smart quirky fare like Blue Sunshine. 

Unless you have a phobia of worms, Squirm is never really scary to adult sensibilities (though were the hairless pinkies replaced by fuzzy caterpillars, I’d still be trembling). Closeups of worm mouths are just kind of cute, while the mass globs of pink squiggles feel more like another brick on the wall in Pink Floyd’s “We Don’t Need No Education” than anything that can actually hurt you. But despite the general limitations of his premise, Lieberman manages to construct an energetically enjoyable and truly memorable little genre film that holds up for a solidly fun 90 minutes of watching.

HIgh Points

Most of the more obvious comic aspects play out quite well, especially the trying-too-hard-in-wedge-heels physicality of Fran Higgins as annoyingly lovable lil sis Alma

Though it never really fits with the lighter tone of the actual film, Squirm’s opening theme song has a weirdly haunting effect

Low Points

On the other hand, the closing credits take their bow to an odd mush of love ballad cheese. At what point was I watching Ice Castles?

Much like The Descent 2, Squirm proves that there’s plenty of ambient lighting to be found without the help of candles, flashlights, lamps, or moon

Lessons Learned

Southerners look down on overpackers

Resist the urge to mock the hot-headed town sheriff until after he walks far enough out of earshot

Italian restaurants are not the best setting to bring up the topic of killer worms tormenting your town

Winning Line

“I’m not a tourist. I’m a Libra.”

Damn I wish I was alive to be hit on in the ‘70s

Rent/Bury/Buy

I’ve said this about everything from Bugsy Malone to Spider Baby , but Squirm is another one of those films I wish I had on VHS as an enthusiastic 8 year old. There’s a joyful sense of innocence mixed with the tenants of ‘80s trash--actually, no. My instinctive followup to ‘70s’ is ‘trash’ but like the self-proclaimed antique dealers that populate Fly Creek, Squirm is better described as junk, probably fitting in mood to what sits between Oscar the Grouch and his can. 

For those readers still attempting to translate my analogies, I’ll explain in more universal terms: Squirm is good clean (if you don’t mind worm guts) fun. The DVD includes what I’ve been told is a highly enjoyable director commentary that may warrant a discount bin price tag. 


Thanks to the one and only Lightning Bugg (not worm), for the recommend, and remember to hit up his lair   for some nihilistic canine action later today!