Scissoring with Sharon Stone & My Cat

Recently, it has come to my and some delightful readers’ attention that the 1990s output of horror cinema is something...well, different from other decades. It’s long been though of as a cinematic void in the genre, but look hard enough and you’ll pull up a few random pre-Scream gems and more importantly, a very different kind of nostalgia.


See, in 2011, the ‘80s are just funny. Camp counselors with one big earring getting slaughtered to post-disco beats? It’s like being tickled! The ‘90s, on the other hand, don’t yet have that distance. The actors *look* like us. They use a lot of the same lingo, even if they speak said lingo into elite car phones or public phone booths hunted down after receiving important messages on their beepers. We chuckle more and more as the time distance grows, but not so much that we excuse these films the kinds of dated errors that make the ‘80s so charming.

I have no idea why Scissors ended up on my Netflix queue, but hey, it’s got some genre pedigree behind it (director Frank De Felitta made the cult classic Dark Night of the Scarecrow), a fresh off of Mars Sharon Stone, and a lot of creepy dolls. Also, it’s the epitome of ‘90s horror for reasons soon to be discussed.


Quick Plot: Angie is a beautiful but frigid 26 year old who prefers the company of her strict psychologist (Ronny Cox!) and collection of antique store dolls to handsome single men or speed dating. Much like Catherine Deneuve in Replusion, the ice blond Angie easily attracts male attention that she has no idea what to do with. After almost being raped in her apartment elevator by a red bearded stranger, she meets a pair of Dead Ringers-lite twin brothers, both played by Lifeforce and Turkey Shoot star Steve Railsback.

Also, by the way, Joplin Zelda Rubinstein Intravia's new crush.

Twin Alex is a successful soap opera actor, while his brother Cole is a creepy wheelchair bound artist with an abominable haircut. Somewhere in the middle is Alex’s ex/Cole’s current cohort Nancy, who matters only because she’s played by Sheila from the film version of A Chorus Line.

NOTE: This might only matter to me.

As Angie begins an awkward courtship with Alex, mildly strange things start to occur but because of Angie’s own oddness, we’re not entirely sure if actions or her own fragile mind are to blame. Eventually, a faked job offer leads her to a Pee-Wee’s Playhouse sort of luxury apartment where she’s soon locked in with immobile furniture, angry birds, and a scissors-stabbed corpse.

Scissors is a strange movie, both in terms of plot and general feel. It was made by  Frank De Felitta, the man behind the novelist behind Audrey Rose and The Entity.  Whereas (in my opinion) both of those were great stories that wandered off into muddled territory, Scissors is a story that feels trite, then progressively turns bizarre, then silly, then dramatic, then wacky, and finally, rewarding.


Part of it does indeed come from the nuevo ‘90s nostalgia that paints each frame with mildly grainy and slightly badly dressed hue. Part of it has to do with the fact that the movie features about five extreme closeups of a creepy pig doll that seems to come with his own theme. There’s a delicious twist that’s more than ridiculous, followed by one that’s kind of awesome. It's ultimately the film equivalent of a box of Cracker Jacks, filled with handfuls of sweet goodness, evil little peanuts just waiting to ruin your mouth, and finally, an exciting little prize that makes it all worth it in the end. 

Historical figure trivia! Cracker Jacks' newest hit!

High Points
She might be somewhat insane in real life, but Sharon Stone holds the film together quite well, even when battling a bird

Low Points
During the opening credits, I was totally sold on the circus-like score. Bought and returned. The music of Scissors is, after the first two minutes, used fairly horrendously, with overly dramatic classical tunes practically raping the action onscreen, and I’m not just referring to the hilariously scored almost-rape scene


Lessons Learned
90% butter fat is terrible for the skin


All things cry and make a fuss when they’re lonely


A great way to meet an eligible bachelor? Fight off a rapist down the hall

Rent/Bury/Buy
I was pleasantly surprised by how much I enjoyed Scissors. At over 100 minutes, it’s far longer than it should be and filled with a tad too many time-wasting red herrings, but there’s something quite entertaining about where the storyline goes. 


Also, for those who care, Sharon Stone gets naked. Railsback, however, remains fully clothed. And the cat keeps her collar on (that’s not a euphemism; there’s a cat and it wears a collar. You’re disgusting).

So is that hair...

Friday Fixins

Bleh. January.

Not that one (though Betty Draper does make me use words that would make Dexter's sister-wife blush).


I'm talking this month, this cold, dry skinning, icy sidewalked month. It's a sloggish time for weather and work, and can you believe it? We still have to wait TWO WHOLE WEEKS for the inevitably amazing The Roommate. Sigh. We need some form of refreshment and thankfully, I've got a few random bursts of sunshine to shine your way.

First off, it's weekend vacation time with the virgins! In simpler terms, head over to The Blood Sprayer for my post on horror cinema's most complicated good girls (and boy) and while you're there, stick around for some truly spectacular content from an array of talented writers. It's like a Godiva box of chocolates without the hazelnut!

Psst. By the way, I'll give you a kitten if you can successfully prove you ever predicted you'd live to see Queen Amidala French kissing Sheitan.

Also, an exciting announcement from one of my most favoritest blogs out there: Planet of Terror is going pod! Cortez (the Killer) and the mysterious Complaint Department have started a podcast, an exciting burst of audio pleasure you can currently find streaming here. Get to it!


Lastly, this is your friendly reminder to prepare yourself for littleness. We're just 11 days away from The Deadly Doll's House First (Maybe) Annual February of the Vertically Challenged Villains Month du Shorties!  It's a long title for a short month. I'm ironic like that.

On my slate thus far, expect 28 days of posts including, but not limited to the following:


Blood gnomes, black devil dolls from hell, puppet people, puppets, dolls, dangerous worry dolls, ghoulies, klowns, evil fetuses, evil babies possessed by sinful dwarfs, carnivorous tree babies, leprechauns, dummies, sociopathic children, brainwashed backwoods children, murderous African tribal dolls, more dolls, bad seeds, and the incarnation of angry aborted fetuses come to life in the form of homicidal midgets!

Contain your excitement (or wig, in the '90s slang kinda way) and get your posts ready!

Boys Are So Icky

Aside from James Cameron, most of us mere mortals can easily be named our own worst judges. Need proof? Take the fact that Roman Polanski, if Googling is to be believed, doesn't think much of today's feature, 1965's Repulsion.

Oh, Roman. Chill. You’re a perfectly incredible filmmaker who made at least three masterpieces and your false humility is hardly endearing. You’ve got other problems. We’ll just enjoy your films.

Quick Plot: Famed ice queen Catherine Deneuve plays Carol, a Belgian manicurist living in a London flat with her older, sassier sister. Pretty as a picture and blond to boot, Carol is overwhelmingly apprehensive when it comes to the opposite sex, an inconvenience when you happen to be, by conventional standards, an absolute fox. Even those with more gentle approaches, such as her chief suitor who seems genuinely concerned (and clearly, emotionally masochistic), do nothing to calm her nerves.

For about the first 45 minutes or so, Repulsion is a slow, tenuous journey through Carol’s daily life. Clearly, this is a damaged woman with emotional issues, but this being 1965 and Carol simply being a pretty beauty salon employee, nothing seems especially out of the ordinary. When her sister leaves town for vacation with her married boyfriend, however, Carol is left to her own crippling psychosis.

It doesn’t take long for the world to cave in on our virginal headcase. Between sexually abusive nightmares, a rotting skinned rabbit, and helping hands that occasionally grope through cracking walls, Carol creates her own male-dominated hell in her lonely low-rent apartment. 

Filmed in black and white and scored to insane beats of angry jazz, Repulsion is your signature Criterion feature. Unarguably a classic worthy of impressive vocabulary filled essays, but also genuinely fascinating and an intriguing example of what cinema can do. As Carol loses more and more of her grip on reality, Polanski’s camera becomes a terrifying barometer of her insanity, jerking along with fierce percussion beats. It’s haunting, painful, thoroughly unsettling, and ultimately, a fine example of classic cinema holding up forty years, new colors, and creepy sex crimes later.

High Points

While I would probably never want to turn it on the background, Chico Hamilton’s expressionistic jazz score does incredible things when paired with Carol’s fraught mind

Much like her similar turn in Belle du Jour, Catherine Deneuve delivers a striking performance as a woman that must connect to the audience even though, by her very nature, she comes off as a cold and distant mess

Low Points

A constant pet peeve gets renewed in black and white:

How can you be a ‘special guest star’ in a film? Especially when you have multiple scenes and play an actual character? Why, opening credits, whyyyyyyyyyyy?

Lessons Learned

Never trust a manicurist who bites her nails

There is more than one way to pay your rent, especially if you’re an attractive young woman with mental problems

Not just in Clue: Candlesticks can be effective murder weapons 

Rent/Bury/Buy

Repulsion is a must-see for any genre film fan or cinema snob, a masterfully crafted thriller that draws you into a woman’s head, then shakes it around like an excitable maraca. The DVD includes a few featurettes well worth investigating, so buy at the right price and enjoy with prestige.