Alpha All the Way

Welcome to the Annual February Shortening! In honor of the shortest month on a blog written by a short woman, all posts are devoted to stories about vertically challenged villains. If you, reader of any height, have your own mini-horror to share, do so in the comments and I'll include you in a final post roundup as the calendar changes!

Quick Plot: A beautiful sloth is living her best life in her native Panama when a wormy human shoots her with a tranquilizer dart. 

We do not deserve our spot at the top of the food chain. 

Somewhere in "America(?)", Emily (not me) is gearing up her campaign to run for sorority house president. This riles reigning queen bee Brianna, though without a huge social media following, Emily's chances are slim. Enter a meet-cute with the aforementioned poacher, who offers her a great deal on a familiar adoptable sloth.

Alpha, as she will soon be named, quickly charms her way through campus (after triumphantly mauling her captor to death). Emily is suddenly enjoying the popularity she always longed for, though best friend (and rare sorority sister with a conscience) Madison worries Emily's losing her soul in the process. 

Though it all, nobody seems to notice that Alpha is on an efficient (and adorable) murder spree. 

Directed by Matthew Goodhue, Slotherhouse is silly horror fun at its best. Granted, I'm a mark for cute puppetry, but there's something so confident about the film's tone that's impossible to resist. We even get a montage! CLEARLY this movie (with a fun script by Bradley Fowler and Cady Lanigan) knows exactly what it's doing. 

While the practical effects and wacky concept would probably be enough to make Slotherhouse work for a lot of genre audiences, there's an added bonus here: the film has an actual arc. Slashers (and yes: this is indeed one) specialize in centering their violence on pretty but usually vapid young people. Maybe there's a sweet final girl to root for or heroic jock who throws himself in front of the machete with her name on it, but for the most part, our characters aren't meant to learn much along the way to their early deaths. The screenwriters cited Happy Death Day as an inspiration, and while Slotherhouse doesn't quite reach those heights, it clearly understood why that film worked. Sure, it had a fun concept and sharp cast, but more importantly, it took its lead on a journey that changed the way she thought about the world. Slotherhouse might be more basic in its animal rights messaging, but how many slashers end with its survivors taking up a genuine cause?

High Points

I was perfectly satisfied with Slotherhouse's cheerful and positively pointed ending, only to then erupt in glee once I realized the closing credits song ("Last Selfie") was an original that summed up Alpha's journey. BONUS POINTS ABOUND

Low Points

Considering this is a movie about a nearly unkillable, Instagram-mastering, alcohol-loving sloth murdering an entire sorority house, I shouldn't let logistical details bog anything down BUT this being The Shortening, I can't stay silent: I have no doubt that Alpha would know how to drive a car and navigate maps, but how DARE you give me such a scene without explaining how her little sloth feet reached the pedals. THIS IS A VERTICALLY CHALLENGED LESSON WE ALL COULD USE

Lessons Learned

You only need three toes to master social media

Dirty martinis are for your grandmother

When trying to pass a Serbian production off as American, it might be better to refrain from having your characters say such uncommon American terms as "she's talking American at you"

Rent/Bury/Buy

If you can give into its immense charms, you will have a wonderfully dumb (in the best way) time with Slotherhouse, streaming now on Hulu. If you can't, I'm very sorry that your life is so dour. Perhaps you just need to visit Panama?