Something On a Stick Day's Eve's Eve

Mark your calendars, one and all, for a holiday rarely celebrated yet full of pointed possibilities. That’s right: March 28th is none other than Something On a Stick Day! Imagine a whole 24 hours randomly assigned to celebrate corndogs, cotton candy, ice cream bars, Salem With Trials, protest signs, and a whole lot of sharp things itching to cause some very painful horror movie deaths.

To name a few:

11. Jeepers Creepers 2

Not a great--or even good-- film by any means, but I’ll extend a tip of my hat to the opening scene, where a young farmboy catches a glimpse of one scarecrow that just doesn’t look the others, and not just because he’s a little too comfortable hanging out on that stick. Sadly the film only goes downhill from here, but it's an excellent early image worthy of at least one toothpick

10. Trick ‘r Treat

Don’t mess with a kid’s candy, particularly if the sweet tooth belongs to a pumpkin-headed, mangled face Halloween enthusiast with no tolerance for cranky candy bar swipers or snotty and insecure neighbors. Naturally, little Sam’s weapon of choice is none other than a juicy lollipop, the perfect something on a stick for autumn or spring. Or summer. Or winter. Or autumn again. 

9. The Hills Have Eyes

Poor Papa Carter spends his silver anniversary blackened like catfish while tied to a stake while his daughter gets raped, wife gets shot, and granddaughter kidnapped for a possible shish-ka-baby served on another family’s dinner table.

8. Children of the Corn

More effectively drawn in Stephen King’s short story, but the 1984 film does retain a few striking images of people staked out in the Nebraska cornfields. No one is safe, not a rotting corpse of a policeman, pre-Sara Connor Linda Hamilton, or man-child preacher Isaac. Bonus points for the implied itchiness of being tied to dried out cornhusks, particularly if have allergies.

7. Silent Hill

Poor Alyssa. Shamed by the community. Raped by a janitor. Burned at the stake at the encouragement of her Borg Queen aunt. All that's really left to look forward to is a future of blackness, annoying hourly alarms, ashy snowflakes, and the opportunity to watch others burned at the stake. The last part ain't so bad when said burnt-at-stake is infused with your blood (or the mother of someone that looks like you's blood, or something that supposedly makes sense to someone) and can therefore extend unending spools of barbed wire from her crispy appendages to gruesomely (by CGI standards) tear apart all the puritan-like townspeople that killed you first.

6. Wolf Creek

True, there’s no shrimp on a stick-headed barbie, but there sure is a head on the stick! Kind of. According to John Jarratt’s bush-wacked wacko in this 2005 shocker, the best way to use a knife--a real knife--is to jam it in a tourist’s back and sever her spine, rendering said backpacker a metaphorical head on a stick. It was definitely cuter in Lord of the RIngs.

5. Scarecrows

The life of a scarecrow probably isn’t all that great. Bird poop. Sunburn. Straw innards. And spending eternity dangling from a splintery stake in the middle of farm country. Luckily for the titular monsters of this 1988 chiller, the occasional crashed plane of bandits can call upon some sort of evil corn-infused mojo that lets them throw their voices and gleefully slaughter trespassers. 

4. Happy Birthday to Me

Not the best slasher, but easily one of the greatest movie posters of the ‘80s (and that’s a more competitive field than your average Iron Chef). Most of this 1981 film’s infamy comes from its cover art that captures the true glory of death-by-shish kabob. Painful, but delicious.

3. Zombi

You know the one contingent that actually observes Something-On-A-Stick-Day? Zombies, at least the Italian ones that hang out with Lucio Fulci. When not battling sharks or chomping through island natives, the retired conquistadors of this 1979 not-sequel-with-a-sometimes-sequel-title find innovative ways to kill alcoholics without taking a single nibble. Hence, the infamous splinter-in-the-eyeball scene. Not in zombie character, but the highlight of this zombie film.

2. Two Evil Eyes

Some guys are just asking to be impaled via log at a pagan festival. It’s only fitting if you’re a grumpy Harvey Keitel who tortures cats, hacks up his girlfriend, and generally acts like giant jerk worse than any bad lieutenant. True, the aforementioned cross-your-legs-and-wince stretch 'n stab is only a dream, but this Dario Argento directed adaptation of Edgar Allan Poe's short story stakes itself in your memory long after Keitel wakes up.

1. Cannibal Holocaust

The ultimate woman-on-a-stick film, so great in its woman-on-a-stickiness that director Ruggerio Deodato was actually investigated by the authorities and suspected of murdering the actress famously shot in a state of impalement. Really it’s just a simple parlor trick involving a unicycle and some tasty balsa wood, you know, the kind of thing your uncle does at family reunions. If he's awesome.

Mother, Can You Spare Some Blood?

In case you have forgotten, Mother's Day is quickly approaching. Before you rush off to make those brunch reservations, take this quiz to get a better understanding of just what kind of parent you have, what to get her this Sunday, and what all of this might mean for your personal safety. 

1. On your 5th birthday, your mother bought you:

a) a gift certificate for free anger management classes

b) a dress-up kit, complete with wig

c) a silver crucifix, which you promptly melted using your yellow eyes

d) nothing. Counting is too hard

2. In your baby photos, your mother is typically:

a) absent

b) holding you wayyyyy too close

c) staring frightfully ahead with dead eyes

d) chewing on your leg

3. You run into the house crying with a skinned knee. Her reaction is to:

a) lick the fluid oozing from the wound

b) amputate what she can and stuff the limb to put on prominent display

c) cry

d) shrug. What do you expect when you sprint on rocky terrain?

4. At the local PTA meeting, your mother is most likely to:

a) supervise her minions as they bludgeon your teacher to death

b) stay home. How could she possibly leave you there all by yourself?

c) brag about your performance in the school play

d) school?

5. Mom’s going out for the night. Your usual babysitter is:

a) a grumpy British psychotherapist

b) your mother. She’s a table-for-three kind of dame

c) the elderly neighbors across the hall

d) your own survival instincts

6. You’ve misbehaved. As punishment, you might receive:

a) death at the hands of your trollish half siblings. After all, you’re incredibly easy to replace.

b) shrill nagging

c) an exorcism

d) a cheerful pat on the back, or shackles

7. When it comes to bonding with your mother, the best shared passion is:

a) pure hatred

b) absolutely anything

c) Scrabble

d) hunting

8. Her style icon is:

a) Joni Mitchell

b) Julia Child

c) Florence Henderson

d) Raquel Welch circa One Million Years B.C.

If you answered...

Mostly A’s

Your mother is: Nola  Carveth (The Brood)

The Good News: Your emotions may have the power to manifest themselves into creepy little dopplegangers that do your bidding.

The Bad News: Your safety and sanity is questionable. 

The Bottom Line: You hail from a second generation broken home, so you should certainly be wary of letting history repeat itself with the wrong partner. Your more immediate concern, however, involves staying alive long enough to legally emancipate yourself from your rage-enhanced mother before she unleashes her Cronenbergian spawn on your ungrateful butt. Luckily, your dad seems like a genuinely nice guy, so catch the next flight to Canada and start readjusting. 

Best Mother’s Day gift: A stress ball

Mostly B's: Your mother is: Mrs. Bates (Psycho)

The Good News: You’ll never be alone.

The Bad News: You’ll never be alone.

The Bottom Line:You were a lonely child and as a result, you have developed an unhealthy eagerness to please and/or connect with others. Romantic relationships have proved to be something of a challenge, as your Oedipal desires have complicated your taste in the opposite (or same) sex. The best thing you can do for yourself is to make a clean break. Start fresh. Relocate. It’s never too late to become a new man (or woman).

Best Mother’s Day gift: it doesn’t matter; nothing is ever good enough.

Mostly C’s

Your Mother is: Rosemary Woodhouse (Rosemary’s Baby)

The Good News: She has great taste in real estate

The Bad News: She’s kind of an emotional mess

The Bottom Line: You grew up surrounded by a solid network of older and financially successful guardians, but that may have left you spoiled and harboring an unearned sense of entitlement, particularly since your mother never seemed to know just how to handle you. Her instincts were usually on target, but she’s easily influenced by those with more force--including, unfortunately, your emotionally absent father. It’s up to you to find your true inner self, but always take comfort in knowing that your mother loves you, even if you are sometimes a lil devil.

Best Mother’s Day gift: valium 

Mostly D’s

Your mother is: Mama (The Hills Have Eyes)

The Good News: Despite her limited physicality, she did stress the importance of exercise and the outdoors

The Bad News: She didn’t let you play well with others.

The Bottom Line: Discipline was never a priority for your parents--particularly your cave-ridden mom, who encouraged you to stay out past curfew if it meant you’d be bringing home the bacon (or baby). You may have built up some unrecognized resentment towards the lax parenting (especially when combined with the border limits imposed) so it’s time to start building a solid foundation. You need a little more stability in your life, relationships, and diet. And vegetables. Apply for a job. Get your associate’s degree, find an apartment, and adopt a dog. Wait, forget the last part. Just start with a plant.

Best Mother's Day gift: Duh, a meaty little puppy