Pretty Little Vloggers

The last time I watched a movie about hot young 20somethings who find themselves in a horror movie set in Moscow, I ended up with beyond dreadful, still infuriating The Darkest Hour. Still, my rule of covering every horror movie starring a Pretty Little Liars alumni is not limited to the ladies, so with Keegan Allen (aka Toby, THE WORST) headlining No Escape, I clicked my Hulu button and dove in.

Quick Plot: Cole is celebrating 10 years as a social media influencer (which I would think would make him something of a senior citizen in that world) by heading to Moscow with his hip pals. A night partying goes awry when some very tough-looking Muscovites make threatening moves on Cole's girlfriend Erin. Guns are drawn, threats in different languages made, but Cole's fan/Russian escort Alexei is able to diffuse the situation cleanly enough. 

The next day, Cole finds out his big anniversary vlog will be an elaborate escape room (not shocking considering writer/director Will Wernick is the same guy behind the OTHER, non-theatrical horror movie about escape rooms called Escape Room). He's disappointed at first, but his pals assure him this will be well-worth the trip.

Now is the time during this review where I instruct you to take out your Saw bingo card, because who boy do we have some references to check. Cole awakens in a room with a sleeping body and instructions to carve into his guts to remove a key that will help free his friends who are all trapped in various torture devies (that really do feel like they were purchased at a discount from Lionsgate's last yard sale). 

The escape room aspect goes away rather quickly as the action shifts to a more straightforward "trapped in an abandoned Russian prison with homicidal dark web vloggers who have seen the Hostel series way too many times" slasher. It's bloody. It's mean. And yes, there's a twist. 

No Escape is one of those movies that I by no means didn't like, but that I'll have an incredibly difficult time remembering that I ever sat down and spent 90 minutes with it. Yes, it feels incredibly beholden to a number of 21st century horror films already mentioned here, and nothing it does is particularly better than any of them. 

But hey: a perfectly slick and mediocre horror movie is still something I enjoy watching, and you know what? I had fun with this. It's basically what I expected, very little more, and sometimes, that's more than satisfying for a lazy Sunday afternoon.

High Points

As much as Cole is painted as your pretty typical pretty boy millennial, he makes an incredibly important and selfless choice when the going gets tough that helps to earn some audience investment into his fate

Low Points

Compared to something like #Horror or the very underrated Spree, No Escape's attempts to weave its social media graphics into the greater film style feels fairly lazy

Lessons Learned

There's really one overwhelming lesson to take from No Escape, but to explain it would be a spoiler. You can probably figure it out as the film nears its conclusion, but No Escape's moral is so blinding (and when you think back on the film, should have been VERY CLEAR to a lot of its characters) that I simply didn't learn anything else!

Rent/Bury/Buy

There are better horror movies about escape rooms (and I mean the shockingly delightful Escape Room) and attractive ugly Americans being served bloody lessons overseas, but No Escape isn't the worst unremarkable horror movie to pass the time. It's dumb, but did you expect much more?

Friends Forever

Pascal Laugier's Martyrs remains one of the most discussed, most celebrated horror films to come out this century. On the surface, it was packaged like a just another example of the French extremity and torture porn movements that had become the subgenre du joir. Look closer and you see a potpourri of styles, from ruthless home invasion to J-horror ghost story. Watch the whole film and take a breath and you get something completely different: a philosophical conundrum that asks deep questions it refuses to answer. It's truly something special, and one that even gets better upon rewatch.

Hollywood being Hollywood, it naturally got remade and dumped into DVD bins right as the world stopped buying DVDs. Naturally, I rented it via Netflix disc. Because there's always one...

Quick Plot: Young Lucie escapes some kind of torturous warehouse, ending up in the care of St. Mary's Orphanage where she is quickly befriended by the kind Anna. Ten years later, Lucie makes a standard homicidal home invasion call to a seemingly normal white collar family. Anna swings by to help and finds herself in shock at Lucie's shotgun violence, believing her friend to be delusional. As she tries to help clean up the mess, she soon discovers a sprawling torture chamber and trapped little girl named Sam, thus proving Lucie right.

So far, so Pascal Laugier's Martyrs. Written by Mark L. Smith of Vacancy, The Revenant, and the very clever Overlord, Martyrs stays extremely close to its source material until a very specific character decision. If you want it revealed, stop now. If you're one of the eight people in the world who care how the American remake of Martyrs turns out, continue.

Unlike Laugier's original, Lucie survives her attempted suicide only to be re-kidnapped by the philosophical torture gang (is there a better way to describe them?), here led by Kate Burton's Eleanor. Anna gets a few rounds of electro-shock torture but proves a victim rather than titular martyr, though her survival instincts kick in to save her from being buried alive, free young Sam one more time, and display some rather impressive hand-to-hand combat moves in an attempt to save her BFF.

Where Laugier's Anna was flayed full body to the point of martyrdom, Lucie gets what seems like a minor scraping. While it's a ridiculous way to nod to the most powerful image of the first film, the final moments of Martyrs actually have something slightly new to say. 

Anna's love of Lucie was always a fascinating aspect of Laugier's film, so if directors Kevin and Michael Goetz were going to do anything different with their remake, centering that certainly works. Anna has a different arc here: initially dismissed as too weak for martyrdom, she reaches it via a different path and seems to ascend side by side with Lucie.

It's an interesting twist, even if it confuses some of the ambiguity of Laugier's film. In 2008's Martyrs, Anna seems to reach the point the torturers seek. When she whispers what she sees into Mademoiselle's ear, the woman reacts by shooting herself in the head. We're left to wonder what Anna said. Was it so beautiful that Mademoiselle couldn't wait to get there? A condemnation for all her sins? My theory has always been that there was nothing there, because what could be worse than realizing the years of hell you've put innocent children through was for naught?

In the Goetz's remake, Lucie whispers something to a different character, who promptly shoots himself in the face. Anna then puts a bullet in Eleanor's head. There's something...odd about that. 

On one hand, sure. Kill the woman in charge who oversaw the torture of your best friend. On the other...what does that really mean? Should we feel vindication that Eleanor never gets to know what martyrs see? 

My point, I suppose, is that there is something to Martyrs 2015 in how it tried to take the original film and explore some different angles within it. Unfortunately, it doesn't really get too far. 

High Points

I hate a lot of the decisions made in Martyrs 2015, but I do think it's important that Smith's script recognizes the connection Anna has to Lucie to be a hugely important element in their story

Low Points

The amount of Bond villaining that keeps a character alive so that she can hear dastardly plans before being almost executed in an elaborate manner is more ridiculous than the sentence I just wrote

Lessons Learned

When burying someone alive, take a few extra seconds to make sure there's no exit route

Or, if the main goal is to kill said person, just kill them

New weapon of choice: a shotgun, which is apparently extremely easy to aim, deadly to use, and fast to load

Pretty Little Final Girls

And with Martyrs, thus do we complete the first unofficial (of what I hope will be many more) round of Pretty Little Liars in horror films. Lucie shares some of Spencer Hastings' determination, so in its own way, it's kind of fitting that Troian Bellisario (who definitely deserves better) finds herself here.

Rent/Bury/Buy

Look, I'm not going to tell you to spend much energy in tracking down and watching 90 minutes of the mediocre Martyrs remake. That being said, I went into this expecting the pits, something akin to the American Pulse. The Goetz's Martyrs will never make the list of best reimaginings, but honestly, it's very far from the worst. While it certainly feels a bit neutered, it also offers a slightly different point of view on the original material. If you're going to recreate one of the best genre films of the last twenty years, you better have some kind of reason other than "Amurikans don't read." There is something here. Is it worth a watch? Not necessarily, but I appreciate the effort. 

Pretty Little Truth Tellers

As said before, the Doll's House will always be a safe space for Pretty Little Liar alumni. There have been highs, there have been mediums, and as somewhat expected based on its reception, we now have a low.

But of course, me being me, not THAT low in comparison to the average person with taste.

Quick Plot: Olivia (Lucy Hale) is all set to spend her last spring break doing good with Habitat For Humanity, but her BFF Marky convinces/forces her to ditch that plan and head to Mexico for beaches and beer. Also in tow is Marky's boyfriend (and Olivia's obvious crush) Lucas, med student/drug dealer Tyson and his dependent girlfriend Penelope, and closeted (to his family) Brad. Wacky Instagram stories involving very attractive people ensue. 

On their final night out, Olivia is charmed by Carter, a handsome stranger who saves her from some mild sexual harassment from college pal Ronnie. Last call shuts their bar down but Carter suggests Olivia and her pals keep the fun going at an abandoned mission he found. Because they're young, drunk, and as dumb as they are pretty, the gang agrees.

Cue the titular party game. It only takes one round of truth for Carter to confess his intentions: he saw Olivia as a lonely pushover who would be easy to lure to this place. Once there, Carter pulled them into the game he and his own (mostly dead) pals began. Follow the rules and you won't die. Okay bye!

It's not until the group returns home and begins to resume their regular lives that they realize that Carter wasn't kidding. Olivia's turn of truth leads to a friendship-breaking reveal, while Ronnie's refusal of his dare ends with his death. The game is afoot, and while you can survive by completing your task, there's a lot on the line with every round.

If this sounds familiar, it might be because I covered ANOTHER film titled Truth or Dare about a group of attractive college students who begin to play a haunted game of, you know, truth or dare. The deep bonds of friendship between the film's central females are tested due to a love triangle. The token "hot couple always having sex who can't function apart" dies early, and the last few have to travel to the home of a shut-in female who survived a previous version of the game at the cost of her friends and face. 

Apparently, there's only one way to tell a horror story about this subject.

Directed by Cry Wolf's Jeff Wadlow and written by far too many screenwriters, Truth or Dare could be both a lot better and a lot worse. The film was savaged by critics when it came out in theaters, but as a two-years-later Hulu watch, it's exactly the kind of hot-people-in-peril horror flick that I tend to enjoy. In many ways, it really is indistinguishable from the same-titled movie that went straight to streaming the year before, and I could probably just remove one or two details from that review and come up with the same basic writeup.

There's nothing too groundbreaking here, though the film does pull a neat little twist with its ending. More importantly, Truth or Dare does make a point of doing what it can with its fairly bland cast, trying its best to have their tragedies carry some weight. It doesn't always work, but I can appreciate the effort.

High Points

Lucy Hale's Aria was my least favorite Liar, so I was fairly surprised to see her Olivia end up being the best part of (Blumhouse's) Truth or Dare. The film establishes a very clear do-gooder heart that guides her character, making her final choice a neat surprise

Low Points

I knew that Truth or Dare was jokingly subtitled "The SnapChat Filter Flick", but I don't know that I was properly prepared for just how overused the CGI smile and red eyes would be

Lessons Learned

When a stranger tells you to tell him to piss off, listen

Everyone loves Beyonce

The great thing about modern coeds is how much they talk in detail about their lives and motivations, ensuring new film audiences just stopping by for a peak understand every key part of who they are and what they fear

Rent/Bury/Buy

Look, Truth or Dare isn't a particularly good movie--and I honestly can't tell you whether it's the best truth or dare movie to come out in the last three years--but it's not nearly as bad as you've probably heard. There are less entertaining ways to kill 90 minutes of your free time. I dare you to try it. 

He Sees You When You're Googling

Welcome to another installment of Pretty Little Liars in horror movies! This time, it's the best of the liars, both in terms of character (sassy Hannah Merrin) and actress (the genuinely talented and charismatic Ashley Benson). 

Quick Plot: Emma is a shockingly pleasant economics grad student who has just moved to a fairly spacious 1-bedroom apartment in Brooklyn while she finishes her education at NYU. Having just ended a tumultuous relationship, she's a little hesitant to jump into the dating pool again, even when nice guy Mike throws her some pickup lines about cheese. 

Eventually, Emma settles in comfortably to her new life. She makes a good friend with fellow student Nicole, takes things slow with Mike, and reconnects with her parents over video chatting. 

Unfortunately, we as the audience know this because someone has been hacking all of Emma's electronic devices and spying on her from within (sort of, you know, like Pretty Little Liars). Little by little, Emma begins to realize that something is wrong, leading to such a sad state of justified insecurity that she becomes a genuinely different person than before. 

Written and directed by Branden Kramer, Ratter is a simple story that understands the horrors of being the object of obsession. We don't need grand stalking sequences or brutal torture when we have all the fear we need in Emma's eyes and the cracks in her voice as she finally tells her sweet but so-far-away parents.

You could certainly look at Ratter as a partner to the much crueler The Den. Both tell very similar tales in the same "somebody's watching you" style and rely on their strong lead actresses. Both are (mild spoiler alert) ultimately very heartbreaking because of their leads' performances. I suppose I'm satisfied with having seen both explore this in an effective way, but it doesn't mean i need to experience it again.

High Points

Playing natural to what essentially amounts to a found footage format is harder than it might seem (witness the performances in the majority of the genre), and Ashley Benson is so perfectly natural and likable in the role that it makes Ratter all the more tragic

Low Points

Aforementioned tragedy

Lessons Learned

Wisconsin is more than just cheese (though that remains the easiest talking point)

Antivirus software remains as ineffective in 2016 as it was in the '90s

Seriously, stopping in the middle of a crowded street in Manhattan is no joke

Google Image Search of the Day

The beauty of the word "ratter" is that it also applies to an adorable breed of dog, leaving most of my computer monitor populated by cute but sad Ashley Benson and cute and usually happy these:

Rent/Bury/Buy

On one hand, Ratter is a very well-made and effective thriller. On the other, it's just so damn sad to watch. Take that as a cautious recommendation. 

Pretty Little Mortician

I will never deny my adoration of FreeForm (formerly known as ABC Family's) Pretty Little Liars. Even without its often adorable nods to horror (witness its Carpenter referencing and Terror Train parody Halloween episodes, for one), it's a glorious combination of soapy overplotting and kooky playfulness. While the young actresses at its center vary in quality, I have deep affection for all and root for them to have successful careers.

Especially if they involve horror films. 

Quick Plot: We open in the last minutes of a failed exorcism of the titular Hannah Grace. Two priests don't make the cut, and Hannah's grieving father takes a shortcut by suffocating his possessed daughter with an adorably hand-stitched pillow. 

Three months later, we move the action to a Boston hospital where former cop and recovering addict Megan (aka Emily Fields, Shay Mitchell) is beginning her job at the morgue's graveyard shift. After a ridiculously fast, notebook-less irresponsible orientation, Megan survives her first night of intaking corpses, scanning their fingerprints, photographing their injuries, and locking them in freezers. 

While it doesn't sound like a great position, Megan takes the job in stride. Staying busy at night helps her to stay out of trouble, and with her AA sponsor just a few floors above, it seems like she's on track for a reliable, if not sunny career change after hesitating to save her partner in a deadly shootout. 

This being a horror film and not a drama about recovery, Megan's world is soon shaken with the arrival of a mysterious Jane Doe. Much like The Autopsy of Jane Doe, the entire morgue begins to feel off. Some unethical, but clever police sleuthing leads Megan to identify the body as none other than young Hannah Grace, though certain factors, like eye color and time of death, don't seem to add up.

As you can probably guess, Hanna's second night on the job becomes a little more stressful as Hannah's infected body takes over, sparing no security guard, EMT, or nurse in its wake. 

Directed by Diederik Van Rooijen from Brian Sieve's script, The Possession of Hannah Grace didn't are well when it debuted in theaters last year. Part of it may have been the R-rating, which can often limit an audience, particularly when the face of its film is mostly associated with a show aimed at teenagers. Had it hit PG-13 (something that probably would have just required very minor tweaks) it might have done better, especially since those who licked their popcorn salty fingers at the R-rating tease might have wondered what the MPAA was thinking that day.

Rooijen mines some great tension from his wonderful setting, a sprawling, empty basement morgue that oozes its coldness from the screen. Mitchell is fine as Megan, though a deeper movie could have probably done more with capturing the daily pain of a guilt-ridden addict. There's probably a more effective film to be made that truly taps into this. 

It's not that The Possession of Hannah Grace is a terrible film, despite what critics might have made you think. There's just something missing from the final under 90 minute product that keeps it from leaving much of an impact. 

High Points

In a few key sequences, Rooijen makes a decision so rarely done in modern horror: he refrains from using music or obvious sound cues to highlight something creepy happening in the background. It's not necessarily consistent throughout the film, but every now and then, he lets small touches unfold without forcing the audience to hear them. Boy do I wish we had more of that in the genre

Low Points

It's true of many a studio horror film, but the dull CGI on display in certain sequences feels particularly lazy, especially when other pains seem to be taken to create visual personality to Hannah and her destruction

Lessons Learned
Getting defensive is not the same as getting pissed

In no world is it a good idea to try to induce a jump scare from the new employee who gets to spend midnight-to-7 all alone in a basement filled with dead bodies

The Boston police department has dangerously lax standards when it comes to password criteria

Sandwich-In-the-Morgue Watch

I had very deep concerns that despite being set in a morgue, The Possession of Hannah Grace would deny us the joy of watching an employee in a lab coat dripping thousand island dressing onto a steel table as he devoured the kind of triple decker so expected in a horror film. We don't quite get the full messiness of a stacked sub, but Megan and some coworkers do indeed chow down on some fries, so that's something

Rent/Bury/Buy

My expectations were pretty darn low for The Possession of Hannah Grace, so it's hard to say whether it's decent or just far better than I figured going in. Regardless, it's certainly not as bad as you've probably heard, and when it comes to a shelved studio possession horror film, I think you'll be satisfied enough.