Best of (My) Year

 

We close out yet another year with yet another tradition: it’s my own personal best list, pulling out the hearty recommendations of (my) 2024. My only guarantee here is that no other list will have quite the same range. 

Don’t believe me? Observe my first pick:

15. Fantasy Island

I NEVER SAID I HAD GOOD TASTE. 

I’m under no illusion that the Blumhouse adaptation of Fantasy Island is a good film. It’s very, very dumb. And that’s perfectly fine! Sometimes all you want to do as a viewer is sit back and watch beautiful people become very confused on a postcard-ready tropical island. No, the various stories don’t necessarily come together in any real satisfying manner, but along the way, there are plenty of wild twists and big swings that never feel dull. It’s okay to enjoy something very stupid when it’s this fun. 

14. Split Second

A giant rat monster in the sewers. A morgue attendant chomping down a dripping sandwich. And most importantly, Rutger Hauer smoking his way through a coffee-and-chocolate fueled stint as a bad boy detective who works alone (I know you heard that in an intense whisper) until he’s reluctantly paired with an overeducated rookie. Split Second is pure early ‘90s cheese, cheese that’s been left on the counter and you know you shouldn’t eat it the next day, but by golly, it’s just so good.

13. It’s What’s Inside

Who doesn’t love a good body swap? Certainly not writer/director Greg Jardin, who made a smartly paced horror comedy that has oodles of fun putting pretty young people through some chaos of their own making. It’s What’s Inside has some themes to explore in terms of toxic relationships, but at its core, it’s simply a good time.

12. Arcade

My expectations for something produced by Full Moon Entertainment’s in the mid-’90s are generally pretty low, but that shouldn’t devalue the fun I had with Albert Pyun’s Arcade. The cast is loaded with soon-to-be stars who look and sound like real troubled teenagers about to fall deep into some adorable early CGI video game graphics. It’s not a classic by any means, but 30 years after its quiet debut, Arcade holds up as a surprisingly solid genre watch.

11. Wolf’s Hole

My knowledge of Czechoslovakia in the late 1980s stops and ends at me always copying and pasting the word “Czechoslovakia”, so admittedly, I didn’t fully grasp the political associations of Vera Chytilova’s satirical sci-fi ski trip thriller. Even so, this is a strange, riveting, and shockingly positive little slice of a time and place that was very new to me.

10. Slotherhouse

I’m not here to tell you that Slotherhouse, a horror comedy about an abducted sloth turned sorority sister on a murderous rampage, is great cinema. But by golly: it’s pure fun, and easily one of the best times I had all year.

9. Satan’s Triangle

Sometimes the best things in horror come in at under 80 minutes. That’s the case with this made-for-TV ghost story set on a haunted ship cast adrift in the middle of the ocean. It’s shockingly spooky 50 years later, with some ahead-of-its-time politics and clever musings on faith. 

8. The Manor

Take a sip of your Ensure every time I say, “why can’t we have more horror films featuring the elderly?” Axelle Carolyn’s The Manor is not a big film (it was made as part of an Amazon/Blumhouse low budget collaboration and seems deliberately small in scope) but it packs so much beauty into its runtime. The glorious Barbara Hershey plays a retired ballet instructor whose recent health woes have driven her into the care of an assisted living facility…which just might be run by witches. It’s everything you want from such a setup. 

7. The Conference

Comedy is hard. Horror comedy is, well, a feat that should only be attempted by the truly skilled. Thankfully, that turns out to be Patrick Eklund. This Swedish film follows a corporate team-building weekend trip gone terribly, terribly wrong. It’s an absolute blast, and best of all, it actually has some morality at its core.

6. It Stains the Sand Red

Colin Minihan has a pretty strong track record, so it’s no surprise that another team-up with actress Brittany Allen would yield more gold. It Stains the Sand Red follows that modern rule of zombie cinema: the only reason to contribute is if you have a fresh idea. And boy does this one! Allen stars as a woman left alone to trek 36 miles through the Las Vegas desert, her only companion being an undead shambler who she manages to tame into a better man than the living she encounters. It’s not a perfect film (the last at fumbled for me) but it boasts an incredible performance and enough fresh ideas to make it a worthy entry to the genre.

5. Mute Witness

Quietly released in 1995 with an energy that feels far more 1989, Anthony Waller’s Mute Witness is a strange, funny, and highly entertaining little thriller filled with surprises. A low budget American film crew is making a cheap slasher in Moscow when the mute props master (played by the wonderful Marina Zudina) accidentally stumbles on a snuff film in progress. What follows is an exciting cat-and-mouse hunt that comes at you from multiple fresh angles: 1990s Russia, language barriers, special effects tricks, and of course, the challenge of being the titular Mute Witness.

4. Searching

I love few things more than enjoying a film but being annoyed by its mistake….only to end the movie and discover the ‘mistake’ was absolutely part of a reveal. That’s one of many strengths in Searching, a mystery with a great filming gimmick (the POV is John Chu’s laptop) but even better storytelling. This is a tight little watch that left me extremely satisfied.

3. The Cat

An alien general hides out in the body of a housecat to battle a mushroom blob monster in Lam Ngai Kai’s insane action romp. There’s a ten minute battle between said alien general disguised as housecat and a paper mache dog. I like to think of myself as a decent writer but in this instance, I simply don’t possess enough words to express how wildly entertaining this little movie truly is. 

2. Speak No Evil

There’s an art to making a genre film so bleak that as soon as an American remake is announced, the entire world flinches at the collective internet sigh of horror fans knowing they’ll never get the same experience. Christian Tafdrup’s 2022 travelogue is truly a nasty of piece of work, and I say that as an extreme compliment. 

1. The Passenger

I’ve been singing the praises of scream king Kyle Gallner ever since he served as the sole glint of light in the Nightmare On Elm St. remake, so imagine my glee to see him team up with a similarly underrated genre filmmaker. Carter Smith’s The Passenger is a dark ride: a traumatized, anxiety-ridden young fast food worker ends up the hostage/pet project of a violent sociopath in one nightmare of a day. With incredibly nuanced performances from top to bottom, The Passenger is not an easy watch, but it’s a deeply human story that’s unafraid to take its time exploring what it might mean to live in this world.

Best of the Year!

As is tradition, we celebrate the anniversary of this blog (ELEVEN YEARS DAMNIT!) by looking back at my favorite movies covered over the last year. 

Let the countdown begin!

9. Sometimes Aunt Martha Does Dreadful Things
Less a good movie and far more a weird one, SAMDDT (seriously, I can only write that title out so many times) is a bizarre crime story of sorts that has more on its mind than its cheap execution allows it to really explore. It's an odd film to end up on any "best" list, but I found it just so darn odd that I feel the need to do everything I can to get more eyes on it. Certainly a weak recommend, but when you'll understand when you finally experience the weirdness that is (deep breath) Sometimes Aunt Martha Does Dreadful Things.



8. Invaders From Mars

While not quite on par with some of the '50s more lasting science fiction like Them! or Invasion of the Body Snatchers, William Cameron Menzies' alien thriller does manage to create some uniquely artistic visuals. There's plenty of gee whiz! action, adults not believing children, secret government action, and of course, quickly costumed Martians in body suits and face paint. When you think you've seen it all before (you have before and after, in many ways), just look behind the actors to the glorious art deco set design. It's something. 

7. Scorned 

I've never been coy about my deep, deep love of extreme Lifetime thrillers. While Scorned wasn't made for that network, it was clearly inspired by the type of Angry Woman thrillers Lifetime has long wrought. The brave, goes to eleven AnnaLynne McCord plays this genre's most dangerous type of villain: a mentally ill woman off her meds and on a rampage to take vengeance on her cheating boyfriend (PLAYED BY BILLY ZANE NO LESS) and disloyal best friend. It doesn't exactly rewrite women's rights, but McCord's commitment is a thing of true beauty.

6. Ratter

Always my favorite of the Pretty Little Liars, Ashley Benson proves that, despite what countless found footage horror films would like you to believe, it is indeed possible to create an incredibly likable, relatable protagonist. In Ratter, Benson plays a pleasant young grad student who for reasons we never know, has attracted the intense fixation of an unseen obsessive hacker who's tapped into all of her devices to watch her every move. What writer/director Branden Kramer understands so well is just how cruel and invasive stalking is. We see the the light in Benson's eyes dim as she slowly comes to the realization that her life is no longer hers. I don't have any real desire to ever rewatch Ratter, but it'd be a crime not to recommend it. 

5. Blood Rage

When you've spent a good chunk of your 37 years on this planet consuming horror films, it's always an exciting day when you discover there are still over-the-top '80s slashers you haven't seen. Blood Rage is gleeful in its gory Thanksgiving bloodfest, with a prime dose of blousy alcoholics, irresponsible babysitting, and severed body parts that just don't stop moving. What's not to love? 

4. Revenge

If you're going to make a rape revenge flick, you darn well better make Coralie Fargeat's Revenge. A simple, oft-told tale told the right way, Revenge is a gorgeously shot hunt that follows a resourceful wronged woman as she takes down the men who abused her. With a horrifically sun-scorched desert setting, Fargeat's unrelenting thriller does what it needs to do with the right blend of brutality and empowerment. 

3. Ready Or Not

I've spoken to many other film fans who found Radio Silence's Ready or Not a bit too cruel, which I can fully understand and respect. That aside, Samara Weaving is a genuine treasure, and watching her face off against old money armed mostly with antiquated weapons and her extreme pluck is a delight. The glorious Nicky Guadagni adds an iconic touch as the wonderfully bitter Aunt Helene. The fact that a movie this fresh made it to theaters (and made enough money for it to be considered a small success) in itself is something worth celebrating. 

2. The Witch In the Window

I maintain my complicated love for the flawed but incredibly unsettling YellowBrickRoad, so I was eager to see one half of that film's directing team's other work. Written and directed by Andy Mitton, The Witch In the Window is an incredibly unsettling haunted house flick that does so much right in just 77 minutes. An absentee dad (YBR's wonderful Alex Draper) takes his son (a fine Charlie Tacker) on a flip job in rural Vermont only to encounter the titular ghost. Bad things happen, and while there is little you haven't quite seen before, Mitton builds tension so carefully that you'll still find your heart in your throat. The performances and smart writing make the characters people you genuinely care about, making The Witch In the Window all the more effective. 

1. The Blood of Heroes

How did this little low budget Australian post-apocalyptic thriller become one of my all-time favorite sports film? Written and directed by David Webb Peoples, The Blood of Heroes follows a scrappy team of "juggers" as they travel the wasteland in search of the big game (in this case, a variation of rugby with a dog skull and more violence). Rutger Hauer is the aging captain and retired pro, a man who's seen so much that he lost one eye doing it, while Joan Chen plays the promising rookie intent on making it big. The quick, lean storytelling is all that's needed, but Peoples weaves in some subtly modern touches of gender equality, sexual freedom, and best of all, true sportsmanship. 

Lessons Learned Yet Again

It's that time of the year! Mid-January, when the weather is crumby, the optimism surrounding our resolutions are fading, and depending on your profession, we're weeks to months away from any real days off.

Or, if you're a reader of this here blog, the annual year-in-review, starting with our roundup of some of the most important lessons learned over the last 365 days of movie reviews!

Fine Dining

Old meatloaf smells like werewolf crap -- Summer of '84

You can take coconut liqueur any darn way you like -- Blood Rage

The key to making good tacos is cover up crappy meat with tons of spices -- Scorned 

Travel & Tourism

People don't go to Vermont for the oysters -- The Witch In the Window

Always pack a comfortable, quiet pair of sneakers for whatever may come up on your honeymoon -- Ready or Not 

When visiting a wealthier friend, always try to time your visit around his impending death. If everything lines up just right, you'll get to spend the next few weeks living in his mansion rent-free -- Color of Night 

Any town with a an overabundance of mannequins is not a place to spend the night -- Happy Hunting 

Economics 101

All the money in the world can apparently only buy one shirt for painting and one bikini for daily swimming exercises -- Imaginary Friend 

Home Remedies

Horse tranquilizers are great for fighting migraines -- Ma 

In a pinch, perfume makes a decent, fragrant antiseptic -- Don't Grow Up

The way to stay alive when spending 18 hours a day mixing your liquor choices is to occasionally supplement your diet with some potassium -- Friend Request

Facial scars heal fast if they're accompanied by aggressive opera music -- Braid

Self-Defense Tips

One can never be too cautious when plotting a landing -- Targets 

Brooms and baseball bats are decent weapons for self-defense, but when you really get down to it, nothing beats a full a roll of Saran Wrap -- The Hive 

Smart women sleep in their sports bras -- Revenge

Fashion Through the Ages

1950s suburban moms slept in heavier makeup than 2019 Hallmark Christmas movie leads -- Invaders From Mars 

Bangs were the big trend of the mid-1800s -- Candyman 3: Day of the Dead

Supernatural snake women shed their skin in one clean body suit -- The Snake Woman 

Silk is real, and it is fabulous -- Blood of Heroes  

In the future, global warming will make weather so confusing that you'll need a winter hat and an open chest hoodie -- Death Race: Beyond Anarchy

Friendship Is Magic

Never remain friends with a group of young white people who decide to film themselves, not because you'll almost inevitably die in a blur, your last words being, "What the f*ck," but more because if two decades of found footage horror has taught me anything, it's that young white people who enjoy filming themselves are almost certainly an awful combination of bland and rude -- Hell House LLC

The power of besties involves being able to provide quick synonyms on call -- Truth Or Dare 

Hair & Makeup

The shorter your haircut, the longer your makeup will stay on your face -- Finders Keepers

Quaaludes are murder on the skin -- Hell Night 

Psychiatric hospitals are a wonderful training resource for shaping your eyebrows -- Mercy Black 

Dating Advice

The best way to stay under the radar when ordering drinks for your underage boyfriend is to flag the waiter from across the room to shout for two more alcoholic beverages, even though you've just taken a single sip from your first -- Fatal Fashion 

Nothing turns a woman on more than man's ability to make netting out of tree fiber -- Eden 

Some women find childlike men attractive -- Sometimes Aunt Martha Does Dreadful Things

Gun Safety

Really, I think this can all be summed up with one pretty handy suggestion: maybe don't go hunting with powerful firearms when you're still rather drunk? -- Calibre 

Never bring a rifle to a bird fight -- Kaw 

Self-proclaimed world's best damned personal assistants have a unique set of skills, including excellent shotgun aim 

Arachnia 

Mythology Uncovered

Contrary to popular cultural portrayals, trolls actually resemble burn victims with tiny Trump hands -- Charlotte 

Modern Hobbies

Horror-themed scavenger weekends operated under most of the same rules as your average strip club -- Ruin Me 

Crime Solving For Dummies

When hiding evidence, consider a place slightly less exposed than the living room shelf

-- Whispers in the Dark 

One can never have too many candles or flashlights on hand to fight off an evil bullied spirit, even if the lights are working just fine -- Can't Take It Back 

When sneaking around in a remote cabin where the owner is confirmed as being out of the way, always remember to bring a good flashlight because under no conditions would you turn a light on in a remote cabin when the whole reason you're there is because no on else is near -- The Shortcut 

The only thing less effective in solving crime than the NYC police department is Stephen Rea in a cameo -- Greta 

When questioning an old acquaintance about brutal murder, it's best to do so over a glass of champagne -- Staged Killer

Technology Through the Ages

Antivirus software remains as ineffective in 2016 as it was in the '90s -- Ratter 

The Young Adult

Youngest siblings have far better facial memory recognition than the eldests -- Deviant Love 

Girls don't grow chest hair, but they do get lumps (providing they learn how to stop talking at the breakfast table) -- The Lift 

Really talented deaf teenagers don't even need to face you to read your lips -- The Silence

Know Thy Style

You know you've found your villain when his vanity license plate reads "FERRARI" -- The Furies

Know Thyself

No-good bohemians make terrible decisions in the middle of the night -- The Gorgon

Morgue Fun

Unlike their American male counterparts, female Spanish morticians trade sandwiches for shameless flirting -- Open Graves 

Nothing makes a dieting detective hungrier than a visit to the morgue -- In Darkness

In no world is it a good idea to try to induce a jump scare from the new employee who gets to spend midnight-to-7 all alone in a basement filled with dead bodies -- The Possession of Hannah Grace 

How To Not Teach a Lesson

If you're trying to send a fervent anti-abortion message with your movie, maybe don't end it with a soundtrack that incorporates obnoxiously screaming babies -- The Unborn Child 

Now that you're fully prepared for whatever life (or in some cases, the afterlife) throws your way, come back next week when we look at my favorite films covered here in 2019!