Little Orphan Mary

 

Has there ever been a film duo more perfect than Christopher Lee and Peter Cushing? 

You don't have to answer. We know. 

Quick Plot: A trio of older, incredibly wealthy Brits are murdered in careful manners that leave their cause open to accident or suicide. Meanwhile, a school bus filled with sinfully noisy Scottish orphans is derailed, perhaps by a justifiably grumper driver, perhaps as a continuation of the conspiracy, or maybe because one of the injured is Mary Harb, the daughter of an infamous murderess. 

Mary is recovering under the care of Dr. Peter Haynes, a caring psychiatrist who senses his young patient is in grave danger. Lucky for everyone, his supervisor Mark is played by Peter Cushing so naturally, Mark's best pal is a semi-retired but very competent Col. Bigham and obviously, he's gloriously inhabited by the towering perfection that is the late Christopher Lee.

Bingham knows that so many related untimely deaths are no mere coincidence. As he continues his investigation, Dr. Haynes strikes up a gratifying (in multiple ways) relationship with Joan Foster, a journalist working to explore the story of Mary's birth mother, Anna Harb. 

A glorious angry redhead ex-con, Anna wants her child back and might be willing to murder a few other orphans and doctors to do so. Or maybe these charitable millionaires have some homicidal plans of their own. It's a mystery!

A delightful one, to be sure. Based on John Blackburn's novel and directed by Countess Dracula (and more excitingly, I Don't Want to Be Born!)'s Peter Sasdy, Nothing But the Night is a crafty little thriller filled with dynamic characters and sharp twists. Even the score makes for a jaunty watch, playfully toying with children's tunes one moment then smoothing out a sexy saxophone to amp the romance in the next. 

I won't spoil the weird, wonderful ending, but it must have been a shock in 1973. It may have even given a certain celebrated comedian-turned-great-horror-filmmaker a few good ideas. With that and the Cushing/Lee blessing, I'm fairly shocked that Nothing But the Night doesn't seem to have the fanbase it deserves. 

Maybe it's the contemporary setting, or that this isn't an official Hammer studio production, or that the horror seems to lean more into mystery novel than supernatural for most of its run. Whatever the reason, it ends today: Nothing But the Night is a surprising little joy. Go get it. 

High Points

Perhaps it's that Brian Hayles' screenplay has a whole novel to pull from, but it's incredibly refreshing to see how almost all of the adult characters are so clearly drawn and fully fleshed out in a story-heavy 90-minute film. Granted, all Christopher Lee really needs to do is show up and the audience is enthralled by his very presence, but his Bingham is somehow immediately recognizable, while Georgia Brown's Joan and Keith Barron's Peter create fully dynamic professionals whose brief chemistry helps to make a quick subplot pop

Low Points

How is it possible to throw in a reference of a famous triple murder but never actually explain the details? And yes, really, I'm just formally requesting a prequel about the glorious Anna Harb

Lessons Learned

A prostate gland treatment is hardly the end of the world

12 is a perfectly adequate amount of men

"Scattergun" and "knocking pen" are very common American terms (that I've personally never heard in my apparently not-so-American life)

Rent/Bury/Buy

At the time I watched Nothing But the Night, it was on but leaving Amazon Prime. I would imagine it's since moved to another streaming site, so do some Googling and grab it. You won't be disappointed. 

There's a Snake In My Hair

Thanks to a little movie called Clash of the Titans, my childhood included a rather odd obsession with the story of Perseus and Medusa. Considering just how great that myth is, it's almost strange to realize just how few films play around with the stony possibilities of gorgons.

Quick Plot: A young artist named Bruno is painting his muse only to discover she's pregnant with his child. Eager to prove himself worthy in her father's eyes, he flees to ask for her hand in marriage. Unfortunately, before he can hear the word "no," his girlfriend is mysteriously turned to stone. The next day, Bruno is also found dead, his corpse hanging from a tree. 

The easiest course of action for the town to take is to posthumously convict Bruno of murder/suicide, something verified by Dr. Namaroff (Peter Cushing!) but unacceptable to Bruno's family. After his father gets stoned during his private investigation, his brother Paul shows up to finish the job. He finds a sympathetic ear in Carla, Namaroff's assistant, who has a mysterious movie condition of slight amnesia that couldn't possible be connected to anything relevant to the main plot. 

The Gorgon is a Hammer production, which thankfully means Christopher Lee is legally required to show up. When Paul declares "I can't tell you how glad I am to see you!" upon the arrival of Lord Summerisle, we in the audience have to wonder just how meta such a line is. 

Directed by Hammer veteran Terence Fisher, The Gorgon falls somewhere on the high end of low in the Hammer canon. The more subtle stoning horrors are played to good effect, but the lack of a memorable lead (our main character isn't determined until two of his relations die) hurts, not to mention the incredibly disappointing finale with its paper mache level special effects. 

High Points

I'll never complain about a torch-bearing angry town mob

Low Points

One doesn't exactly expect to find transgressive feminist themes in fifty year old British horror, but it's still a shame to see Carla be presented as such an object of a character. While she begins as having her own agency, that quickly goes away once there are enough men on hand to dedicate the rest of the film to saving her. 

Lessons Learned

In the early 1900s, your average upperclassman was an incredibly adept fencer

No-good bohemians make terrible decisions in the middle of the night

The proper pronunciation should be GORgon, not gorGON (note: this comment is aimed squarely at TCM host Ben Mankiewicz, who pronounces it the latter even though NOBODY in the movie does)

Rent/Bury/Buy

The Gorgon isn't a Hammer must-see, but anything that unites Christopher Lee with Peter Cushing has its merits. 

Mummy Madness

I’ve never been the biggest fan of mummies in horror cinema. While the subject has great potential, I’ve just never found the representation onscreen to be all that interesting and more importantly, far from scary. The glorious ridiculousness of 7 Mummies aside, it just ain’t my monster.

Naturally, I’ll keep testing that theory.

Quick Plot: In 1948, an archaeology team led by the one and only (in so many ways) Christopher Lee has just uncovered a long-lost tomb on an Egyptian expedition. Before you can give Brendan Fraser a haircut, the team falls victim to some kind of toxic wind gas that causes terribly rendered late ‘90s CGI to turn their bodies into ash or, in a more fun manner, turn parts to ash and therefore lead to a moment where Sir Christopher Lee’s torso separates from his upper half and he continues to crawl.

Fifty years later, Lee’s granddaughter, Sam Turkel, has rediscovered the dreaded cave with her own team. Among them are the always welcome Sean Pertwee as somewhat psychic named Bradley, the more money-minded Claire, and Sam’s fiancee vaguely recognizable under a spacesuit as Gerard blink-and-you’ll-miss-him Butler. Don’t blink, because he dies in a rather stupid way pretty quickly.

The cave is once again sealed, but not before a sarcophagus with some tell-tale gauze inside is found and sent to be displayed in a museum. It doesn’t take long for said artifact that I don’t feel like misspelling again emits a powerful screech, swiping key organs from a few bystanders. 

Enter no-nonsense Detective Riley (Jason Scott Lee) and his surly partner (played by Smash’s Jack Davenport, and yes I know he was also in 9000 Pirates of the Caribbean movies, but his legacy is and will always be the fascinating mess that was NBC’s two-season Smash). When a few more mysterious murders start to emerge with the same pattern, Riley suspects the now insane Bradley. 

Of course, things are never quite what they seem when an ancient Egyptian tomb is in play. Bradley gives us the scoop on Talos, the evil prince who ruled with a fury centuries earlier. Before he could be assassinated, Talos had his wife and followers eat his organs to help preserve his spirit (apparently, that’s a thing). Now that his mummy wrap has been unearthed, it’s only a matter of time until he collects enough innards to be reincarnated. 

Thusly do we get plenty of attacks via animated gauze. Pity poor writer/director Russell Mulcahy (the father of Highlander) could clearly only do so much with the cheap CGI materials afforded by his era and budget. Most of the effects--and therefore scares--are laughably digitalized to the point of comedy. At the same time, Tale of the Mummy itself isn’t terrible. The movie’s never boring, and some of the ideas behind the creature designs are quite neat. I suppose if you think of it as an early Asylum reaction to the Brendan Fraser flick, it’s more than satisfying.

High Points

One can’t argue with any cast that includes Sean Pertwee, Shelley Duvall, and the sorely missed Christopher Lee

Sorry, but I can’t not talk about one of the greatest twist endings to ever happen in a mediocre mummy movie. Turns out, out stoic male cop hero is actually an ancient Egyptian princess reincarnated in order to eventually host the evil spirit of his/her former lover. I mean, come on: that’s neat

Low Points

Seriously, is there an excuse?

Lessons Learned

Be careful: friendly stray dogs just might be evil mummy incarnates

An automobile provides no protection against real or CGI gauze

Drinking Fosters in a gay club will make you incredibly desirable to evil mummies

Rent/Bury/Buy

I watched Tales of the Mummy via Netflix, but it looks like it’s since expired. The shame is that a free stream is definitely the best (maybe only) way to catch this one. This is far from a good and even farther from a scary film, but it’s paced well and has enough wackiness to make for an enjoyable 90 minutes. 

Dee Carplane! Dee Carplane, Boss!

Even the world's most ironically well-known secret agent can't escape a good shortening here at the Deadly Doll's House. Best of all, today's 007-centric theme just can't be contained. Over at From The Depths of DVD Hell, the one and only Elwood Jones has dug up Indonesia's most valued cultural export: 2'9 Weng Weng in the ingeniously titled For Your Height Only.

I know! I almost can't believe it either! This is a wonderful world indeed.

But before you go digging into the underworld for Elwood's thoughts, let's start with the classy swagger of the always politically correct original Bond in The Man With the Golden Gun.

Quick Plot: Lounging comfortably on a private island with his lady, little person assistant, golden gun, and third nipple close by, the world's most expensive assassin aims his sights on the world's most sexually transmitted disease-riddled secret agent. 

Lord Summerile, meet Bond...James Bond.

The Man Who Would Be Count Dooku plays Scaramanga, the titular bad guy with a hunger for some mechanical doohickey that will produce expensive solar powered energy. Or something, I really never understand the actual details involved in the Bond villains' plans. The general gist is typically the same: colorful villain wants to increase personal power and/or income with dastardly plan involving high-tech gadget. Bond tries to stop this from happening while maintaining a healthy sex life and cramming in two sips of martinis a day. An exciting car/foot/plane/carplane chase goes on a few minutes too long. Villain captures Bond and sets up an elaborate yet easily foiled death plan. Bond shags whatever female is closest by and credits send us a titular hint about what wacky adventure he'll end up in next.

I don't mean to sound critical, because though I've only begun experiencing it this year, I rather enjoy Bond cinema. Knowing the formula is half of the fun, especially to see how the zeitgeist of whatever time period the film was made would (and still does) help to fill in the recipe (blacksploitation in Live and Let Die, martial arts here, for example). In this past year, I've watched my first five Bond films and while none are inching their way up my best-of list, all have given me a highly enjoyable time...even if every single one went on 10 minutes too long.

(I'm guessing most of Bond's audience doesn't mind part of the running length)

I come at Bond less intrigued by the machines than by the camp, which explains why I would have such fun with The Man With the Golden Gun. Often considered one of the worst Bond films, The Man With the Golden Gun makes a few unforgivable errors--saddling Lee with a dull takeover plan even he doesn't seem to understand or having the usually charming Moore channel Sean Connery's more misogynist leanings, to name a few--but...but...well, there's no easy way to say this:

Herve Villechaize IS dressed to kill.

Yes, I'm elated to be able to cover a Bond film for The Shortening, but I'm also just excited to have such a ridiculous character to enjoy. As Oddjob and later, Jaws have taught us, it's often the henchman who make a good (or memorable) Bond film. Director Guy Hamilton doesn't necessarily get the most out of the superb-on-paper pairing of the majestically towering Christopher Lee and the petite-but-plotting Villechaize, but both actors seem to be having fun, and for me at least, it translated well.

Not ‘well’ as in ‘good movie.’ Pff. You came to the wrong place if that’s what you expect from a film that makes me giggle. For some Bond fans, the word "carplane" is akin to a bruise. For someone like me, it's as delicious as a cheddar and monterey jack coated nacho.

High Points

Christopher Lee is in this movie. Now even when he's introduced with a closeup displaying a fake third nipple, the mere fact that CHRISTOPHER LEE IS IN THIS MOVIE will always qualify it as a high point

Low Points

The nature of Bond films is that there will always be certain tropes that age out of taste. Naturally, The Man With the Golden Gun is full of them, from Moore uncomfortably slapping a woman for information to the racist sheriff from Live and Let Die tossing out the term 'pointy brownheads' with more ease than Bond at a speed-dating event

Lessons Learned

In some cultures, a third nipple is a sign of sexual prowess

Never make a bargain with a wealthy white British man in a boat

Golden bullets make lucky belly rings

Much like a baseball playing monkey's farts, cars that can make 360º turns mid-air sound an awful lot like a good old-fashioned slide whistle

The Short Facts of Life

According to Herve Villechaize.'s IMDB trivia page, the actor once "shared a room" with Matthew Bright. Yes, THE Matthew Bright who directed the dwarfs-have-big-hearts cult classic Tiptoes. 

Mind =

Rent/Bury/Buy

Bond fans probably dislike The Man With the Golden Gun because, you know, it's not that good. People like me, on the other hand, who generally measure Bond cinema by how many people get eaten by sharks might find themselves having a surprisingly good time. No, people are sadly NOT eaten by sharks in this outing, but we are treated to Christopher Lee speaking, carplanes flying, and Asian schoolgirls asskicking. Make no mistake: this is lower tier Bond to be sure, but sometimes, fun things come in small suitcases.

Just ask Matthew Bright's former roommate.

Wicker It, Just a Little Bit

Writing about the psuedo sequel to my third favorite film of all time is no easy feat, and hence, the weakling inside me is taking the easy way out: I’m excusing The Wicker Tree as a warm-up for whatever Robin Hardy does next.

See, give the 82 year old filmmaker a break. It’s been quite some time since his he last got behind a camera and everybody needs a good warmup.

The Wicker Tree is just a 90 minute yoga stretch.

Quick Plot: Beth Boothsby (fresh-faced Brittania Nicol) is a successful country singing star who just can’t stop warbling about Jesus. She pauses long enough for a goodbye party at her Baptist church, wherein the good cowboys of Texas send her and her fiancée Steve out to Scotland for a two-year missionary journey to bring Christ to pagans.

I don’t know about you, but I had no idea modern missionaries took European tours. Consider me schooled.

Shockingly enough, those funny voiced redheads don’t really want to hear about dying on the cross. Disheartened by the sound of doors slamming in their pretty faces, Beth and Steve reluctantly accept an invitation to the more rural town of Tresseck, where wealthy power couple Lord Lachlan and Lady Delia Morrison oversee a gaggle of plain folk who worship goddesses and nature.

Tresseck isn’t an easy home for two crazy Texans whose biggest source of pride shines from their promise rings. Beth is able to charm some of the townspeople with her voice, but her preaching never seems to land on open ears. This is especially hard on our country star since she is (gag) a born again virgin, having remade herself into a crucifix wearing angel after hitting it big with her original single, Trailer Trash Love (yes, there’s a music video set in a redneck bar and yes, it’s amazing).

On the other hand, Steve is far more willing to suspend his Christian beliefs for fleshier pleasures. After failing to seduce Beth, he takes a quick liking to local Lolly…mostly because she’s a pretty blond with a cute accent who likes to bathe in the nude and essentially say “Hey, I’d really like it if you came in here and had sex with me.”

And so he does.

See, Cowboy Steve ain’t no Sergeant Howie. Then again, Hardy has also argued that The Wicker Tree is NOT a sequel to his 1974 masterpiece. It’s more a companion piece, a film set in the same TYPE of world that also explores the contrasts and similarities of paganism and Christianity. Or something.

Sigh. It’s never easy to approach a follow-up to one of your all-time favorite films. Sometimes the results are pleasantly odd enough to make it work (Return to Oz) while others just feel like wasteful one-offs unworthy of their names (Starship Troopers 2—though in fairness, Part 3 is surprisingly sly).  Robin Hardy can SAY that The Wicker Tree isn’t a sequel, but why name it “The Wicker Tree” if that’s the case? Perhaps my immediate low point is that the title is positively distracting. Like other Hardy fans who have been following the film’s 4+ year journey through budget cuts and actor injuries, I would have rather sat down to watch a film called Cowboys For Christ and gone from there.

That being said, The Wicker Tree DOES still share some of its predecessor’s charms. The original music isn’t as insanely humful as Paul Giovanni’s catchy Landlord’s Daughter, but some of the songs are quite pretty in a haunting way. Aside from Beth’s Jesus jingles, there’s a striking number sang by a middle aged tavern wench about, as far as I could tell, doing the nasty in the forest.

But the REST of the film…well, it’s there with some great ideas, some truly creepy ones, and ultimately, no solid payoff for its religious buildup. Let’s get spoilery:

Whereas the townspeople of The Wicker Man were making human sacrifices to restore their harvest, the villagers of The Wicker Tree are suffering from a different, equally stirring plague: infertility. As Tresseck is too close to a nuclear power plant, the female population has been unable to conceive for some time. Naturally for a bunch of nature worshipping Europeans, the logical way to fight this is to sacrifice two innocent(ishes) in some extremely brutal fashions, i.e., skin the female and call her The May Queen and tear the cowboy apart to eat with your bare hands. I imagine Hardy is trying to show an extreme case of religious fanaticism to compare to Steve and Beth’s overly fanatical (yet more conventionally accepted) Christianity. But the problem is, what is he actually accomplishing by having the pagans prove to be so brutal?

It’s a tough question and perhaps a second viewing might make more themes clear. The IDEAS are certainly there, but considering how much time is spent on Beth’s conversion from a slutty Britney Spears knockoff to a fully clothed church girl, it’s odd that her character ultimately gets no real choice in or lesson from her awful fate. Perhaps some of you smarter readers who have watched The Wicker Tree can help.

SPOILERS HATH END'TH

High Notes

Not spoiling, but just sayin’: like in The Wicker Man, people die in some fairly horrific manners, all of which are suggested without being deliberately shown. I found it chilling

Yes, Graham McTavish's role was supposed to be played by the god that is Christopher Lee, but I still found his self-proclaimed Monty Burnsish millionaire to be an effective villain. Similarly, Nicol captures the perfect essence of an overly devout without much brains Christian princess

Low Notes

Hey, I’m not going to argue with the hypocrisy of Bible interpretation, but it just feels like the script could have pointed this out in a more organic show-don’t-tell way. Instead, we have out pagan characters describing Christian beliefs about the rapture. The execution felt lazy

Lessons Learned

Contrary to common Englishman belief, The Clitoris is NOT an island off Greece famous for its ouzo

Never ask a Christian cowboy to play poker. He’ll probably just spend hours going through each card and explaining what it has to do with Jesus and really, you’ve got money to win already. Eff that dude

Cowboys keep their hats on

The Winning Line

“Where is my bowl of eyes?”

Because, come on: it’s one thing to HAVE a bowl of eyes. It’s a far greater thing to misplace it

Rent/Bury/Buy

It’s hard to know how to recommend The Wicker Tree. If you’re a diehard fan of The Wicker Man (like me), then you kind of HAVE to see where Hardy went next, even if the results are just nowhere nearly as satisfying as you might hope. That being said, there is some beautiful landscaping, weirdly paced horrors, and haunting original songs that make even an ultimately lackluster film still something more special than your average straight-to-DVD genre picture. So put it on your queue for an eventual watch. It won’t change your belief in cinema or fertility goddesses, but it will be something unique.