Belated Shortenings

It's going to be a busy bee month here around these parts, so allow me to busy bee yourselves with a few external suggestions:

Good friend of the Doll's House Elwood Jones invited me on his podcast, the MBDS Showcase, to discuss two very different, very memorable classics of vertically challenged cinema. Take a listen to his episode 36, where we discuss one of my personal favorites, Stuart Gordon's Dolls, along with the very special, very odd For Your Height Only. Just in case you didn't recognize the title, FYHO is indeed a James Bond, um, adaptation of sorts, starring 2'9 action star Weng Weng as the world's deadliest and least secretive secret agent. Check it out here!

Meanwhile, down south of the equator, good pal Chris Hewson has tackled a few family-friendly Shortening cookies over at Not This Time, Nayland Smith. Travel back to the grand ol' '90s for his review of the 18-episode Betty Davis-starring sitcom Maybe This Time.  

While you're there, take a look at his review of 1995's long-awaited cinematic Annie sequel (I know, who knew it was a thing?) Annie: A Royal Adventure.  

Joan Collins is in it, and she wears a fabulous hat. What more do you need?

That's fair. The world can never have enough Zelda Rubinstein wearing a great hat. Hence, I leave you with one more little bonus, courtesy of my podcast, The Feminine Critique. On our most recent episode, Christine and I tackle 1989's pop masterpiece Teen Witch, along with the recently released and confusing to pronounce The VVitch. Download* via iTunes or hear it here!

*Just in case it's unclear, download the podcast, not the movie. Pony up a few singles and pay to see the movie so that studios keep buying and releasing movies like The VVitch. We'll all be better off, and otherwise, I'm selling your soul to that nice lady in the woods and I won't feel a goat's eye bad about it. 

My Fellow Shorteners

The little people need to stick together. It's much easier to climb out of trouble when you can hop on someone else's shoulders. Particularly when said someone's shoulders are low enough to the ground for you to actually be able to hop on.

My point, of course, is that The Shortening is a team effort, and a glorious one when two of my favorite fellow bloggers tackle two of my favorite films. Deep down From the Depths of DVD Hell, Elwood Jones digs in to Stuart Gordon's 1987 classic Dolls. Head here for his thoughts, and stay tuned for next month's Mad, Bad, & Downright Strange Showcase podcast when I join in to say even more about Judy's adventures in doll-ville.

Further down south, the fabulous Chris Hewson of Not This Time, Nayland Smith attempts to TOP THAT with coverage of 1989's musical extravaganza Teen Witch. Set your broomstick GPS here to read his take on this piece of glory, co-starring Golden Lifts champion Zelda Rubinstein herself. 

Don't forget that if you have a Shortening post of your own, feel free to share it here in the comments section or email me at deadlydollshouse at gmail dot com (but you know, the right way). 

Why I Love: Dolls

Not surprisingly, Stuart Gordon’s Dolls is one of my all-time favorite films. 

You never saw that one coming eh?

But why, you might wonder, aside from the fact that it’s 77 minutes of killer doll action, would I adore such a film? A few reasons:

Judy Bower

Child actors are a risky gamble in any film, particularly when they’re under ten and required to hold a whole lot of screentime. With the wrong little actress, the character of Judy would’ve been an insufferable little cutebag. Thankfully, Carrie Lorraine has a true every-girlness about her, something helped by a terrible haircut (we all have those self-pictures), reliance on a comfy stuffed animal and chubby cheeks. You can’t not like this little girl.

Teddy

Somewhere in the history of the hit-and-miss series, Tales From the Darkside, is a terrifying 23 minutes about an evil teddy bear. As a child, this concept terrified me more than the one-eyed baby doll that my older sister would chase me around the house with when my parents were out. I KNEW dolls were evil, but the thought of a cuddly and soft stuffed animal hungry for my blood was simply wrong. 

I think Stuart Gordon knows this, which is why Titanic Teddy--at least that’s what I call him--ISN’T actually bad. He’s scary and kind of wrong, but like the spirit that runs throughout Dolls, he’s also ultimately in the right.

Carolyn Purdy-Gordon

The long-time wife of director Stuart Gordon, Carlone Purdy-Gordon is, to be kind, kind of what you’d call a handsome woman. I imagine she can look quite lovely with the right styling, but she also possesses a certain Nicole Kidman-like sharpness that plays perfectly with her evil stepmother incarnation. She’s well-matched with her squirmy weakling husband played by Ian Patrick Williams, but it’s her all-out detestability that gives Dolls such a strong basis for knowing right from wrong.

Anti-cues

After seeing Dolls, can you EVER pronounce that word the right way?

Fairy Tale Spirit

I’ve tried in the past to justify why I think Dolls is the perfect horror film for kids. Sure, there are brutal killings and horrific images, but unlike so many movies that share its shelf space, Dolls is innocent. The titular villains don’t kill indiscriminately; they evaluate their potential victims and spare those who display an inner goodness. It’s a fine lesson children should heed!

See, Dolls is essentially a Grimm Brothers fairy tale filled with evil stepmothers, kindly old folks, stormy woods, mysterious mansions, Madonna obsessed punkettes, and--well, it’s not verbatim Grimm, but the spirit is there. 

The Kills

We only see three deaths in all their glory, but boy do they count. Enid’s battle with the tin soldiers is both funny and dark, and Rosemary’s everything-but-the-kitchen sink doll attack makes you wince and cheer. For my own personal taste, it’s David’s doll transformation that wins. Imagine what it must feel like to have your nose stretched into a hook, your spine raised over your head and your cheekbones made to bust out of your face. In a word, I’d say ouch.

Oh yeah, the DOLLS

Cowboys! Clowns! Stylish stabbers with leopard headwraps! The dolls of Dolls are simply extraordinary works of art, and while some modern technowizards might giggle at the stop motion stumbles, I find everything from their tiny snarling lips to their overly wide eyes truly wonderful.

Not to be creepy, but if you haven’t seen Dolls, then I know exactly what you’re doing for the next 77 minutes. Go. 

The Biggest Bug Your Windshield Ever Caught

There’s something truly lovable the directing style of Stuart Gordon, and I’m not ONLY talking about one of my all-time favorite killer doll films. Though he doesn’t necessarily boast the genre-making resume of someone like George Romero or Tobe Hooper, all Gordon’s work has an interesting, fairly intelligent yet unabashedly gory style that somehow feels less sleazy than so many of his cohorts.

Hence I greeted his latest feature, Stuck, with guarded enthusiasm, mostly due to the underwhelming reviews it had received. Thankfully, there’s no bravery-inducing charm quite like Netflix Instant Watch.

Quick Plot: Brandi (a cornrowed clad Mena Suvari) toils away at a nursing home, faithfully hosing down the incontinent as her boss dangles a possible promotion over her pug nose. Meanwhile, a soon-to-be homeless fortysomething named Tom (sad-faced Stephen Rea) shuffles around town just as Brandi drunkenly plows her car into his torso. In shock, Brandi pulls into her garage, Tom’s legs still jutting out her windshield.

That’s the main setup of Stuck, and it’s a pretty neat one at that. Also thrown into the mix are are Rashid, Brandi’s wannabe gangsta boyfriend, and a few colorful neighbors, including a sympathetic family of illegal immigrants. At its core though, Stuck is--or really, should be--a morality tale, a two-man showdown between a nothing-to-live-for bum and a life-finally-going-her-way young career woman (sorta).

The problem, at least from my high standards, is that Gordon seems to avoid what makes his story so fascinating. It’s amusing to watch Rashid reluctantly prove his non-badassness, but focusing on his and Brandi’s inept coverup is far less interesting than the psychology involved in doing so. When you have a truly gifted actor like Stephen Rea, why relegate him to moaning for help?

Having said this, I did enjoy Stuck as a breezy instant watch. It’s funny and something new, a well put together thriller comedy that never skims on blood or cruelty. It’s just not quite the movie it feels like it could have been.

High Points

Though he doesn’t get nearly enough to do, Stephen Rea brings his A-game, particularly in his early job-hunting sadsack scenes

Low Points

Mena Suvari will never be wrongly accused of being a good actress and though she's more adequate than usual here, I still wish her Brandi had a few more layers. We never really feel the inner struggle going on inside her in terms of do-I-kill-a-man-or-not, something that feels so missing when such a dilemma is the film’s main asset

Lessons Learned

Nothing sets a sexy mood better than a lava lamp

Corn rows flatter no white woman

Anybody can do anything to anyone and get away with it

Rent/Bury/Buy

Stuck is a pretty enjoyable little movie, but it lacks the smarts to really explore its setup. Perfectly adequate for Instant Watch, but not a film I’ll return to anytime soon. A when-you-get-the-chance recommendation for most, unless you’re a disturbed Suvari stalker (boobs are shown) or Suvari despiser (she still really can’t act). The Rea/Gordon ingredients help to even things out, but Stuck still feels like a bag of trail mix. Passable for a meal, with mild bursts of positive satisfaction. Then pretzels, which are TOTALLY fine....just not as good as those tasty chocolate covered raisins that your bag just never seems to have enough of.

When You Wish Upon a Star (you die)

I was all ready to celebrate the 55th anniversary of Disneyland this past July 17th and then some hack named Guillermo del Toro came along to steal my thunder. Apparently, one of the best working genre directors is now planning on filming his own adaptation of everybody’s favorite G-rated ghost ride, The Haunted Mansion. So while millions of dollars get thrown towards a story that’s already been told (terribly), here are a few of my own suggestions for how to bring to life some of Disney’s other less cinematic attractions.

It’s a Small World

 In one of the first true bids for truly international peace, the UN organizes the world’s largest toy drive, requesting every nation to donate a collection of toys that best represents its people. It’s a beautiful idea...until the poor security guards manning the midnight deliveries unearths a devastating secret revealing each doll to be possessed by the spirit of wronged dead patriots (think Che Guevara, Oliver Cromwell, Davy Crocket, William Wallace et al) and the entire plan is a simple attempt to bring about universal chaos. It’s up to a nearly retired night watchman Hank (John Goodman) and his fresh-faced apprentice Timmy (Jay Baruchel or your own favorite skinny goodball du jour) to save the world, one verse at a time.

Dream Director: Having proved his worth with 1987’s Dolls, I can’t think of a worthier man than Stuart Gordon.

Tagline: Getting the song out of your head will be the least of your problems...especially when you no longer have a head.

The Enchanted Tiki Room

A snob-filled yacht gets thrown off course while sailing through the Pacific, washing up on an eden-like isle blossoming with tropical greenery. After a playful montage wherein the leads bask in the sun and squeeze out some mango juice, the brattiest of the well-tanned millionaires (we’ll say John Hannah) spots a rainbow-hued bird and in a misguided attempt to impress his friend’s wife/hopeful mistress (Madonna, attempting to redeem herself for Swept Away), he hurls a coconut shell at its beak and kills one of island’s enchanted creatures. Everyone laughs at the prospect of eating poultry with their banana leaves, but the fun stops when its brethren flies home to seek vengeance. This being a Disney movie, the villainous vultures (or toucans most likely) spout G-rated one-liners with the voices of such esteemed artists as Mel Gibson, Robin Williams, and Wanda Sykes, all while shredding the faces off of a few bad people eventually waiting to be weeded out for one to learn a valuable lesson.

Dream Director: Joe Dante, for his established record balancing the fine line between monster massacres and good old fashioned family fun.

Tagline: The early bird gets your soul.

The Hall of Presidents

Plain and simple: America needs more historical horror. We’re a country still stained by slavery, civil war, genocide of native population and corruption. Let’s start remembering with a simple tale about a school trip gone terribly, terribly wrong when a busload of unruly students awaken the spirits of every former head of state. They’re not necessarily interested in prosecuting the kids, but when a juvenile delinquent gets in between the slave-holding George Washington (Ian McKellan) and a suddenly reinvigorated Honest Abe (the guy that played Lincoln in Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure and a bunch of commercials featuring a talking squirrel), collateral damage is inevitable. Now, a detention-bound gang of teens must choose sides between Republicans and Democrats, abolitionists and Jim Crow supporters, Manifest Destiny and the Monroe Doctorine. Think epic one-on-one fight scenes by rickety slightly-past middle aged white men occasionally aided by young boys and girls choosing sides and political parties. 

Dream Director: Wouldn’t you love to see the screwball spirit of unleashed Sam Raimi slightly classed up by the prestige of American history?

Tagline: You won’t fall asleep in this history lesson.

Country Bear Jamboree

If Del Toro can rejuvenate something Eddie Murphy soiled, then surely there’s a filmmaker of note that can hone in on the true terror of animatronic carnivores wielding banjos. A story could be as simple as Goldilocks (a freshly paroled Lindsay Lohan dusting off her Disney princess crown with a hint of I Know Who Killed Me trashiness) stumbling upon what seems like a friendly family of musically gifted bears. We’ll throw a House of the Devil twist that reveals the bears’ talents to be harnessed over centuries of mating with unlucky humans subsequently sacrificed. It’s almost as scary as the 2002 film.

Dream Director: Since the normally go-to director of fantastical creatures of the night will be busy with 3D ghosts, let’s watch David Cronenberg delve back into his Broodish body horror with man-bears, man-bear spawn, and all the mishaps in between.

Tagline: Didn’t mother tell you not to play with bears?

The Mad Tea Party

Honestly, I don’t really know how one would make a film out of what I equate to 2 minutes of pure torture in a pastel purgatory, but this current climate for near-snuff Serbian Films certainly shows the audience is there. 

Director: Gaspar Noe. The man and his spinning camera may have been born for this chance.

Tagline: You should have ordered coffee.

Have a story for Space Mountain? A plot to resurrect Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride? Share your thoughts and keep your hands and feet inside the comment box at all times.

Christmas With the Combustible Covens

After the debacle that was Silent Night, Deadly Night 2 (from a non cheese lover’s point of view, of course) and the bore that was Part III: You Better Watch O ut,  along came the ‘90s and with it, a new take on the yuletide slaughter series determined to start fresh. Silent Night, Deadly Night 4: Initiation, takes the Halloween III approach by having absolutely nothing to do with its forebearers (although a fantasy sequence from the previous film does get a Clint Howard approved cameo). Directed by genre B+ student Brian Yuzna (The ReAnimator sequels, Return of the Living Dead III), this is an interesting and imperfect little movie that embraces all the fun trappings of the lesser decade it was made in.

Quick Plot: Homeless Clint Howard shambles his way down a dark LA alleyway as a woman falls to her death before his eyes, her lower half spontaneously combusting with no human explanation. We’re then introduced to our lead Kim (Neith Hunter), a wannabe journalist doing everything she can to move up from editing the classifieds. Surprisingly enough, she’s learning the hard way that publicly sleeping with a head reporter one month after being hired is not earning her the respect she so craves. That glass ceiling sure is hard to crack, sister.

Frustrated that her snazzily dressed boyfriend won’t pester the boss for her promotion, Kim decides to take matters into her own hands by investigating the mysterious death and writing its story. Research begins at the scene of the crime, where Kim meets an Asian American butcher speaking like an idiot, even though he clearly has perfectly apt English pronunciation skills. Next stop is a New Age shop where the ill-mannered Kim acts like an ignorant snob while somehow charming Fima, the owner, into getting invited to a picnic. Who knew that the way into a hippie shopkeeper’s heart was by accepting her candy, then spitting it out and handing the inside back?


The next day, Kim meets up with Fima and friends for a midday picnic where within 45 seconds, she becomes the center of a toast and gets tipsy off of half a glass of wine. Something is clearly off, since no way would someone with the bad attitude of Kim make friends so quickly. 

To quote another female centered horror film with “Christmas” in the IMDB keywords, all of them witches. It’s not spoiling anything to hint at Fima’s intentions towards Kim, none of which involve girl talk over cosmos. The actual direction of their relationship is interesting, if rather underdeveloped in an extremely brisk film. Strange things begin to happen when Kim hangs out with her new gang: cockroaches invade her apartment, her head spins with flashes of the film’s previous scenes, spaghetti swirls itself into symbolic spirals, and Clint Howard dons a Kubrickian Pinnocchio nose to romance the baffled redhead and get his bare chest oiled up by senior citizenettes.

It's even more disturbing than it sounds.

High Points

A major character’s death is quite well executed, with a few nasty stabs that feel drawn out and mean

Director Yuzna earns a few extra points simply for naming his son (who plays a key character in the film) Conan


Not surprisingly, the practical effects are quite impressive in a richly gooey way. There's a touch of Cronenberg in some of the semen-ish fluids sprawled throughout Kim's after hours adventures, as well as plenty of good old fashioned ickiness

Low Points

Much like myself, Neith Hunter has apparently never been touch to develop an indoor voice, making a good deal of her passionate arguing in the early scenes make us wonder how we’ll be able to survive another 90 minutes when it always feels like our lead is just yelling at us

We never really learn the nature of Fima’s spells, or religion, or hobby or whatever. The imagery and basic atmosphere is interesting enough to follow, but it’s an odd choice to leave so much of the film’s villainess a mystery

Lessons Learned

Upon discovering a body engulfed in flames, feel free to touch it

To make your multi-zipper leather jacket really pop, pair it with a tight black turtleneck. Especially if you’re a man.

Books about spontaneous combustion are classified in the occult section of your local  pagan bookstore

LA is a very windy city, but also safe enough for picnickers to leave their car windows wide open as they roam around public parks


When you put Reggie Bannister in a sweater, he has a striking resemblance to Lisa Simpson’s band conductor, Mr. Largo

Winning Line

“Kim’s Jewish.” 

“Oh Jesus!”

Familiar Face

Chipmunk voiced Allyce Beasley, once again taking on the best friend role she chirped her way through in Rumplestiltskin, and once again not receiving a death worthy of her cloying character

Rent/Bury/Buy

Much like some of Yuzna chum Stuart Gordon’s film, Silent Night, Deadly Night 4 is a pleasant ride during its run time, but quite forgettable when it’s done. The effects are neat and the actual premise is different enough to warrant a watch, but the overall product isn't quite smart enough to earn a place in body horror and not the joyous time that makes something like Jack Frost 2 an annual yuletide viewing. Completists considering the new boxed set should seek it out without worry, as it is a film that merits rewatching somewhere down the line. For others, a rental should suffice.