Zip It

Watching The Jacket means one has to be comfortable staring into the puppy dog eyes of (and occasionally, up the oddly shaped nostrils of) Adrian Brody. Considering this film was recommended to me by one of my favorite people who also happens to be the unofficial president of the Adrian Brody Stalker Society (or ABSS, as Christine Makepeace of Paracinema/my other half of The Feminine Critique ikes to call it), that all makes sense.

Quick Plot: Jack Starks is a young soldier who rather miraculously survives a gunshot wound to head in the Persian Gulf War. Discharged from the military with some form of amnesia, he wanders down a snowy Vermont road one day and comes upon the young Jackie and her alcoholic mother Jean broken down. Your consummate nice guy, Jack fixes their car before rudely being shoved on by Jean only to hitch a ride with a seedy Brad Renfro, who proceeds to shoot a cop and frame the AGAIN head-shot Jack.

After being declared insane from PTSD, Jack ends up in an asylum headed by Kris Kristofferson's experimental doctor. Every institution for the criminally insane seems to have one, and in this case, the fun starts after hours where Kristofferson and his dutiful orderlies tie Jack in the titular straight jacket and shove him into a morgue drawer. This sensory deprivation is apparently some form of sanity cure.

Or a means to time travel.

During his nightly sessions, Jack experiences an odd sort of freedom. There he is on the street, out of the asylum and free to spend Christmas Eve at the sad little home of a now full-grown Keira Knightley version of Jackie, who smokes and drinks through her raccoon eyeliner as she explains her mother's early cigarette infused death. It's not until Jack starts rummaging through Jackie's knickknacks that he discovers his dogtags, the very same ones he gave to a little girl so many holidays before that the pair realizes the rules of time are being rewritten by Jack’s psychosis.

Maybe.

The Jacket is, very intentionally, a DIFFERENT film, one that defies easy classification. Part thriller and part romance, it seems stubbornly set on being as much of its own thing as it can, something that’s a tad tricky when the influence of the superior (yet still underrated) Jacob’s Ladder cautiously haunts each frame. If you can let go of that comparison, the film is something special, if incredibly far from perfect.

Think of Lost if Lost were set during winter in a drab mental institution. Recognizable character actors stop by to play morally ambiguous supporting roles, including Jennifer Jason Lee as an earnest psychologist and Kelly Lynch as Jackie’s wino mom. The time travel is riveting, even if it doesn’t entirely add up. What’s real and what’s fantasy is left somewhat open, though sadly, Hurley never drives a VW bus, Sawyer never takes off his shirt, and nobody ever asks “Why are you telling me this?”

For reasons unknown, this is becoming a very shirtless review

So really, not like Lost at all.

High Points

Director John Maybury (a former production designer) brings an impressively unique look to the very scope of The Jacket, something wonderfully discussed on one of the DVD’s extra featurettes. The color palette is distinctive, and I imagine one watching JUST for the visuals would have quite a ball

Low Points

Brody grew on me throughout the film and ultimately ends up with a very sympathetic performance, but at the risk of awakening the dragon temper of Ms. Paracinema, does the dude have to deliver each line as if he was afraid of being shushed by a strict librarian?

Lessons Learned

Daniel Craig’s eyes are blue. Like, really, really really, really really really, very quite blue

Without flowers, it’s really difficult to get organized for the rapture

Be careful of the icy patch!

Rent/Bury/Buy

The Jacket is a tough film to recommend since it has such an odd, undefinable tone. The film was somewhat misadvertised as horror (probably accounting for its box office failure) but the feel is more eerie than scary. Still, the story is surprisingly involving and by the end, there’s something bittersweet about Jack’s saga. Like a lot of promising but imperfect films, The Jacket made me more excited to see something else directed by Maybury rather than to actually rewatch this particular film any time soon (especially when one rumored project is Macbeth starring Mean Sean Bean and Goddess Tilda Swinton). There’s an eye behind the camera and some interesting heart to Massy Tadjedin’s script. It just doesn’t quite come together in a fully realized way.

Look Who's Talking (with an Aussie accent): Ozzie

Here at the Doll’s House, few actresses have a track record as consistently awesome as Joan Collins. Examine:

Playing a victim to mind controlling ants with dreams of world domination in Empire of the Ants

Changing the world as a former exotic dancer who spurns the advances of an angry dwarf and subsequently gives birth to a demon baby with telepathic skills of murder in I Don't Want To Be Born

And now, the Divine Miss C gives it her all as a Cruella DeVille inspired toy company CEO intent on cloning a legendary talking koala bear and selling his offspring for the Christmas season for today's entry into Animals Doing Human Stuff.

God bless us, everyone.

Quick Plot: A middle-aged comic book writer named Charlie Foster (side note: Australian for beer) narrates the story of his young neighbor Justin’s adventures with Ozzie, an adorably terrifying koala bear who was taught to speak by his aboriginal friend Ngundi. How did Ngundi teach Ozzie this ability? The movie makes no attempt to learn, possibly because such an attempt would then have to explain the bizarre time frame wherein Joan Collins’ father learned about the magical creature in the 1970s, despite the fact that Ngundi is about 11 years old and the film is set present day 2006. Granted, Australia IS operating below the equator, and all this could be reasoned out as some sort of Lost-inspired time jumping without the bloody noses and symbolically named characters.

Or we could just forget our troubles with a talking koala bear that FARTS!

Yes, huzzah indeed

Because let’s face it: as Here Comes Honey Boo Boo taught us (or someone I know; not like I EVER turn the channel to TLC’s weirdly fascinating Toddlers & Tiaras spinoff, I mean NO WAY), farts are the universal language that everyone speaks.

But back to this:

Collins plays Maxine Happy (who in a crazy twist of irony, is anything but), a greedy corporate monster growing tired of her inherited company’s lagging profits. No wonder why she dispatches two Wet Bandit clones down under to bring her this mythical marsupial. After all, old fashioned Teddy Ruxpin knockoffs aren’t going to keep a gal in Elizabeth Taylor diamonds forever in THIS economy.

After successfully snagging Ozzie from his super secret (but really easy to find) village lair, the two goons fly home first class sitting next to Justin, an uncharming little boy whose hot mom is a flight attendant. A wacky switcheroo causes Justin to head home to New Zeal—er, America…yeah…America—with Ozzie in tow. Now he can finally find the courage to defeat the cruel school bully with a slow motion food fight in the school cafeteria!

Ozzie tries very hard to be a cute little film. Whether the titular character is adorable or horrifying depends, I imagine, on how one feels about animatronic creatures that talk but don’t blink. To me, they’re terrifying but I’ve also been known to fear caterpillars, My Buddy, holding babies, characters in movies that talk while driving, and Troll.

Shut up. It's discomforting

Truth be told, Ozzie ultimately has a cheerful good spirit about it. The film tries to incorporate Charlie’s comic drawings in a random manner that calls to mind the recent zombie thriller Exit To Humanity (and no, I’m not trying to show off the fact that I’m probably one of the few people alive that can somehow work Exit To Humanity into a review of a kids film about a talking koala bear), though where both are ambitious, neither really does much for either film. Disney’s The Kid actor Spencer Breslin gives it his all, even if he seems wildly miscast. It’s hard to ever knock a child actor who is, more so than his or her adult counterparts, so much more a victim or benefactor of good casting and direction. Breslin (Abigail’s big brother) doesn’t work in the role, but I’m far too nice a critic to put all that blame on a tweenager.

Maxine’s evil plan is strangely fascinating, especially once the details roll out. Her head scientist has been training koala bears to eat candy and snacks so as to make the toys much more sellable. That’s rather sad. Oh, and she has successfully ordered her Beakman-esque minion to limit Ozzie clones’ lifespan to two years, the perfect buying cycle for the toy marketplace. Throw in the fact that Ozzie WILL DIE WHEN CLONED, as mentioned several times during the kidnapping, and you have something rather unsettling.

But worry not, dear young readers, for Ozzie is filled with hijinks! Bad men fall off ladders! Bullies try to kill outcasts! A child responsibly dons a helmet before embarking upon a 5 minute long bike chase—complete with the token ‘honest local workers trying to hang up a street banner only to be thwarted and possibly left for dead’ trope—then steals a jet ski and rides on for ANOTHER 5 minutes in a sequence that’s weirdly reminiscent of a recent Louie episode.

Only without the helmet. Irresponsible Emmy nominees…

High Notes

As the poor man’s Arnold Schwarzenegger, Ralf Moeller gets the film’s best subplot in the part of an oafish goon who loves comic books above all things. It even has a fairly cute resolution

Low Notes

This is a film about a talking koala bear. So why does the talking koala bear seem to have less lines than just about everyone else onscreen?

Friends To The End

When making a children's film, the last thing you want audiences to say is "kinda like in Child's Play." I said that quite a few times watching Ozzie, mostly because:

-What does the original 'toy' Ozzie say to his child friends? Hi. My name is Ozzie. Will you be my friend?” A reminder: What does the original 'toy' Good Guy say to his owners? "Hi. I'm ____ And I'm your friend to the end."

-When Chuc--I mean, Ozzie ends up on a flight home to the "U.S.A.," he comes face to face with his toy likeness and proceeds to bury the stuffed animal in a duffel bag while he enjoys the fresh air with his new boy pal. Oh yeah, kind of like how in Child's Play 2, Chucky finds an innocent plastic Good Guy...and buries him in the backyard so that his boy pal is his alone

-This: 

and this:

Lessons Learned

Creative control is just a technicality

Koala bears dream in full color cartoons

Even the most remote and secret aboriginal village has fast Internet access

Also, boys who can teach koalas to speak

Bedtime for a typical 10 year old is 5PM

Whether you’re a perfectly trained mercenary or a band of fourth graders, few instruments are quite as confounding as the dreaded net

Montage Mania!

Strangely enough, said montage doesn’t involve the film’s talking koala bear. Nope, it’s just a rather gross cleaning-up-the-mess-my-pet-koala-bear-made-in-the-kitchen sequence, wherein Justin vacuums up popcorn, smears jelly back into the disgusting jar, and occasionally eats food left on the floor while a song about “cleaning up my room” plays too loud.

Soundtrack Strangeness

While it’s no blatant ripoff of Footloose, Ozzie does earn a few extra bites of eucalyptus by ending on an original song called, you know it, Ozzie. Sample lyrics (that I was able to understand:

Ozzie!

First lost then found

Ozzie!

Free and unbound

Ozzie!

You make me talk

Ozzie!

You taught me how to whirl (maybe: it got hard to hear amongst the harmony)

It hurts me sooooo

To let you goooooo

But you’re my friend

I know you’ll never end (?)

Sadly that’s all I got. But make no mistake: it’s totally going to be played at my wedding.

I know Justin's Middle Aged Best Friend! I applaud as well.

Standard Animals Doing Human Stuff Trope Checklist

New Kid In Town: X. Or Check. It SEEMED like he was new, so let’s just split the difference and say 1/2 point

Recent Dead Or Divorced Parent: Check

Montage: Check

New Friendship: Check

Potentially Inappropriate ‘Friendship’ Between Child & Unrelated Adult: Check

Evil Corporate Enemy: Check

Original Song: Check

Bully Comeuppance: Check

Small Town Values: X

Back to Nature Moral: Check

Overall Score: 8.5/10

We’ve got a formula! 

A-Paws-Meter

Depending on your taste, Ozzie is either an effective horror film, charming children’s adventure, boring 87 minutes of occasional crassness, or a dream come true. For those who have said, time and time again, why AREN’T there more films about koala bears making fake vomit sounds or kicking bad men in the groin? Ozzie is Citizen Kane with a cute accent. For anyone else, why are you still reading?

A Special Kind of Nanny

If there’s a movie about an anatomically correct medical mannequin that somehow inspires family strife and murder, you can bet your bottom dollar it’s getting covered here at the Doll’s House. Hence, after sitting atop my queue through the change of the seasons, 1988’s cult classic Pin finally gets its chance.

Quick Plot: Ursula and Leon grow up under the questionable parenting skills of their haughty mom and doctor dad, a cold and clinical man who naturally earns a few raised eyebrows based primarily on the fact that he’s played by Terry O’Quinn. For the kids, the warmest relationship they seem to have is with Pin, the full-size medical dummy that  hangs out in dad’s office and occasionally offers advice, makes bets for clothing, has sex with the middle aged nurse and explains the birds and bees.

Naturally, Ursula and Leon don’t grow up to be Mr. and Ms. Well Adjusted. Ursula takes a few trips to the backseats of the football team, eventually leading to an abortion at 15 performed by...dad. Naturally. 

Leon, on the flip side, blossoms into the awkward David Hewlett (yes, the surly dude from Cube), a promising young man with little personal skills and a continued obsession with befriending Pin. When their parents die in a car accident, a frilly aunt attempts to move in but to Leon, the tragedy is the perfect chance to make Pin an official member of the family.

Pin is certainly an odd film, one that seems to scream ‘cult classic!’ in its very concept. Within the first few scenes, I felt a strong Flowers In the Attic vibe, something that made perfect sense once I learned it was based on a novel by future V.C. Andrews ghostwriter, Andrew Neiderman. Like those modern gothic tales or 1980’s Magic, Pin is far more about the dysfunction bred in cold families (particularly those upper class Caucasian ones) than the exploits of a killer doll.

There is indeed something strange about Pin, but it’s clearly Leon who needs a little help. Ursula pieces it together from a part-time job at the library, where she spends some time working, some time flirting, and a fair amount of the rest researching schizophrenia. Leon is damaged and confused, primarily from being raised in such a detached manner coupled with his own possible leanings towards mental illness. The story of Pin could have been told without the presence of a creepy skinless mannequin, but director Sandor Stern and his strong cast work off it to create a unique and unsettling tale.

High Points

The characterization of Ursula and Leon works incredibly throughout the film, an impressive feat when we see them as innocent children, curious adolescents, daring teenagers and finally, sad adults

Low Points

There’s definitely a drag felt in the film’s latter half, where there’s not necessarily a drive at any conclusion

Lessons Learned

When working in a library, avoid the urge to hum

If you’re normal, you can look forward to eventually feeling ‘the need’

Counting down from 100 by 7s is hard at any age

Rent/Bury/Buy

Pin is oddly hard to find on DVD, but North American audiences should take advantage of it streaming on Netflix. The film is far from perfect, but it’s quietly creepy and truly unique, well worth 90 minutes out of your evening. Plus, this is probably your only chance to see John Locke perform ventriloquism and letting that pass you by is akin to not pushing that button in 108 minutes. Think on that, won’t you?

Yee Haw-ror

For such a good website, IMDB sure has a pretty stupid readership. Somehow I once again find myself prowling the dangerous neighborhood that is their message boards, this time for the 2008 little historical horror, The Burrowers. “Tremors meets Jeepers Creepers,” cries one probably-thinks-he’s-very-clever commenter. You know, because The Burrowers has worms. And...hats?

My point, aside from the fact that people who frequent the IMDB message boards are generally not very bright, is that The Burrowers is a refreshingly well-made and even, dare I say it, original little film that’s mean, gooey, and surprisingly witty. So pah.

Quick Plot:

In the 1870s, a young Irishman named Fergis woos a pioneer lass (House of the Devil’ s Jocelin Donahue in a quick cameo) until her and her entire family disappear one day in the Dakotas. Fergis is soon met by a too-cool Clancy Brown, Lost’s William Mapother and his prospective stepson, and a suspicious military outfit led by another Lost veteran (Doug Hutchison, with a kicking handlebar mustache) to follow the probably doomed trail, assuming the settlers have been abducted by Indians.

It doesn’t take long for the four men to break off into their own posse, joined now by Sean Patrick Thomas’s not-so-Irish cook. Soon they discover a young catatonic woman buried (slightly) alive, her neck marked with an oddly oozy cut and mysterious infection. 

Following my review of Dead Birds  and callout for more historical horror, several readers and friends recommended this 2008 Western creature feature, directed by J.T. Petty. To those who did, I say...thank you. 

The Burrowers isn’t the best straight-to-DVD film I’ve seen this year, but it’s a genuinely rewarding 90 minutes of effective atmosphere, likable acting, and a far smarter-than-it-had-to-be script. It even has some laugh-out-loud lines, particularly in its early scenes as the comfortable cast starts their trail. It can't be easy to write dialogue set one hundred and thirty years ago, but Petty produces some natural and entertaining conversations for his game cast.

More importantly, the film is scary in a unique way you don't really see too much of nowadays. In no way does The Burrowers change the nature of horror cinema, but it actually does some fairly interesting things with its story, killing off characters you expect to go further, avoiding cheap scares where plenty could be used, and teasing us with the nasty subterranian carnivores until near the film's end. Following a rather neat climax, the final moments are incredibly unsettling in a way you just don't find in most horror.

High Points

Headed by a cast of character “that guy” actors, The Burrowers is extraordinarily played. All the men are believable as nineteenth century working fellas, but they also have great chemistry and come off as a likable, if flawed (and doomed) crew

For CGI creations in a low budget film, the titular monsters are surprisingly neat little creatures, with phallic wormy bodies, muscular cricket legs, and ugly little faces primarily marked by the kind of teeth you're really not looking forward to being devoured by

SPOILER LAND

While I don’t usually enjoy a dreary ending for dreariness’ sake, (and The Burrowers finish is a downer), the final images and lines are hauntingly appropriate. We've seen that this is a cruel world run by narrow minded men. A fairy tale finish would've been ridiculous. 

THUS ENDETH SPOILERS

Low Points

I appreciate a film set before electricity not going for the easy fake lighting during night scenes, but at the same time...I really like to see things in movies 

Lessons Learned

Never mess with another man’s Indian

When in doubt, assume you’re surrounded by bear traps. Just trust me on that one

The ability to fall asleep while riding a horse is a power that must be cultivated, though unfortunately, bares no correlation with good aim when shooting a pistol

Vertically challenged men in positions of power will usually do nothing but cause trouble

Rent/Bury/Buy

A highly recommended little Instant Watch, The Burrowers has an intriguing pace that may be a little slow for some viewers. Though it took a fair amount of time to get to the (surprisingly not that brutal) monster mashing, the engaging style of the acting and rare historical setting will still make it a winner for most genre fans. Watching it so closely after Survival of the Dead  even makes me think that my problem with Romero's film had nothing to do with my lack of love for Westerns. This is a solid, scary, and entertaining film that easily warrants a bargain priced buy.

Lottos and Torture and Boars, Oh My!

The time has come.

Kind of.

On May 23rd, the world said goodbye to something very special. Scoff at unexplained physics, the mere presence of Nikki & Paulo, and the weekly questioning of “Why are you telling me this?” but for six years, LOST gave us a weekly viewing experience unlike anything else ever seen on television.

So how to fill that Hurley-sized void in your Island-less heart? One way ticket to Hawaii? Pricey. Enlistment in the Dharma Initiative? Perilous. New career as a con man/spinal surgeon/fertility doctor/rock star/protector of golden light? There has to be an easier way!

And naturally, there is and all you need are a few great horror movies. So dear Islanders and Tailies, Sideways inhabitants and Others, I give you a few key elements of your favorite ABC show and how you might fill them.

1. Terry O’Quinn

Even Carlton Cuse and Damon Lindelof couldn't let go of one of the industry’s longest underrated actors, a bald and enigmatic presence so vital to the universe that he took on a whole new role as Evil (maybe) Incarnate in the final two, post-dead John Locke seasons. So where does one go for that sparking blue-eyed smile that never quite feels right? The late 80s, naturally. In 1987’s The Stepfather (and its first sequel), O’Quinn plays--wait, who is he again? We’ll call him Jerry, the name he takes to woo a lovely widow and later, attempt to kill her and the family she has left. By far the second best way to see this charmer wield an oversized knife.

2. Torture

Sayid, you scamp! From the Iraqi National Guard to Sawyer’s fingernails, everyone’s favorite curly-haired loveboat was quite the expert when it came to inflicting pain. Life won’t quite be the same without his sad puppy dog eyes seeking validation or that petite Benjamin Linus accepting that sweaty fist in his cheek, but thanks to the 21st century trend of torture porn, you can at least pretend their spirits live on. Sure, you could go standard and find a cheap boxed set of Saw or Hostel, but why not make like Charles Widmore sipping aged scotch and go classy with the philosophical genre twisting Martyrs. Yes, you’ll have to read subtitles (unless you decide to wait for the American remake, brought to you by the people who made Twilight which is sure to be the best thing you can possibly ever in your life witness) and yes, the film isn’t for everyone, but much like Lost, Pascal Laugier’s Martyrs takes viewers on an ambiguous, poetic, and post-death journey (maybe) that happens to be accompanied by a whole lot of blood and beatings.

3. Crazy French Woman Trying to Steal Your Baby

Danielle Rousseau, we hardly knew ye, but one thing we were sure of was just how much you missed your little girl. Left alone for 16 years with nothing but surprisingly tame bangs and a rifle, this shipwrecked mother wanted nothing more than her child back in her arms...even if (briefly), she had to take someone else’s. Where to find that special mother with a hole in her heart? Easy: Inside. Beatrice Dalle’s La Femme. Basically, it’s the same exact thing. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

4. Surgeons Under the Influence

From Jack’s shaky pain medicated hands to his dad’s functional alcoholism, Lost was never a role model for hospital interns. Now that Dr. Shepard squared has gone on to a better, hopefully less accident-prone place, where will we fans ever find our illegal and falsified prescriptions of malpracticing hunks? Canada, naturally. In David Cronenberg’s 1988 masterpiece Dead Ringers, Jeremy Irons plays--whaddya know--two related gynecologists slowly slipping into a drug addicted depression. While wielding medical instruments. On women’s vaginas. Wow. This makes a mere 18-hour spinal cord rebuilding look like a romp on the beach.

5. Undoing the Past

“What happened, happened!” shouted so many an island survivor, but Lost’s final season tried awfully hard to put us in a reality where it didn’t. For a somewhat similar plot thread, check out 2004’sThe Butterfly Effect, an ambitiously flawed sci-fi love story of sorts that also shared a few random Lost ties: leading men temporarily bound to wheelchairs, likable dogs, surprise bombs with devastating results, and black-and-white journals that also serve as vouchers for time traveling.

6. Boars

John Locke instantly proved his worth by serving up porkchops his first week as a castaway, but Gary Oldman found himself on the wrong side of dinner when his wheelchair-bound--whoa! double link!--millionaire molester reunited with Anthony Hopkins’ Hannibal Lector.

7. Smoke Monster

Gray precipitation that moistens the air and summons ghosts? Call your lawyer, John Carpenter! Though Smokey, aka The Man In Black When Mobile didn’t have a whole lot in common with the pirate ghoulies of 1980’s The Fog, there are plenty of random links: shipwrecks, radio towers, Maggie Grace (a few steps removed of course). But hey. It’s John Carpenter’s The Fog. Do you really need another reason?

8. The Lottery

Ever say to yourself “If my numbers would just come up, all my problems would be solved!” Then you watched Hugo “Hurley” Reyes lose his friends, grandfather, and sanity in a pile of green and said, “Well, A LOT of my other problems would still be solved!” Maybe you need a harsher lesson in the fickle nature of Lady Luck. If that’s the case, queue up Final Destination 2 for a reality check, where one newly minted motorcyclist learns the hard way that money may buy gold rings and frozen dinners, but it won’t pay off Death to spare you from an eye gouging via fire escape.

9. Plane Crash

First class or coach, passengers on Oceanic Flight 815 started the series with a horror movie of their own, a crash that had the nerve to menace them even on land (pity the poor sucked-into-engine pilot). For the big screen, few films have ever quite matched the chaotic horror of 1993’s Alive, a crash made all the more terrifying by the fact that it actually happened.

10. The Numbers

Though we never learned the true significance of 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, and 42, just knowing such digits held mystical and/or electromagnet powers was enough to keep us constantly ruminating on their place in the world (and on our own lottery tickets). What better companion piece is there then, than Vincenzo Natali's low budget 1997 mystery Cube, a film which shares Lost’s penchant for ambiguity, mismatched people forced to work together, and characters named after something they vaguely represent (in this case, American prisons). Also, savvy mathematicians (which thankfully includes one of Cube’s leads) are quick to latch onto the numerals found inside each cubic doorway, decoding their meaning and thus providing Losies with their own fan-fiction fantasy answer involving square roots and booby traps.