Icky & Gross, Just Like a Goober

We came so close.

Following years of Blood Dolls and Dangerous Worry Dolls and Doll Graveyard, it seemed like 2013's Shortening was finally going to bypass the endless ouvre of Charles Band. As much as the man has had his name as producer on some of cinema's greatest vertically challenged hits (Dolls, Troll), his full-out directorial efforts generally leave something to be desired, primarily, the very idea OF effort. 

Hey, if I could make a killer doll movie with the same amount of work it takes to cook a burrito, I'd have 35 credited to my name too.

Goobers came my way via my esteemed colleague and pal, T.L. Bugg, the keeper of the splendiforous blog, The Lightning Bug's Lair. Considering this is the man I once made watch The Nutcracker In 3D, it's only fair that he eventually pay me back with the kind of cheapie kids movie that feels akin to a flea bite. 

Quick Plot: A boy named Tommy starts a new job working on a children's show about a wacky sea captain and his band of ugly puppets. Little does he know, the ugly puppets (seriously: they're hideous) are actually alien slaves to a cruel alien queen named Mara (one name, "like Roseanne") who's returning to earth to claim them. Meanwhile, Tommy decides to investigate the ugly puppet mystery while his female costar chides him for being unprofessional.

Let's get one thing out of the way: the puppets are positively disgusting.

There's Squigby, whose name sounds like what you'd call the geeky dirty kid at summer camp

Esmerelda, who constantly moans as if dubbing a softcore porn

And Blop, whose name and appearance suggests the thing that happens when you sit on a toilet

It all makes perfect sense for a kids movie, right?

Ever buy a Barbie wannabe from a dollar store? They're dolls that hold a vague resemblance to Mattel's famous blond, except the construction seems to be made from the kind of plastic packaging that holds Barbies in place in boxes. Their legs are hollow, arms only move up and down, and faces seems as if they were made by photocopying the blueprints for a more expensive toy, then morphing it over a bouncy ball and adding a nose. The point is, they’re cheap and ugly...much like everything about Goobers.

This is not to say the movie is completely without fun. As Queen Mara and her evil henchman, Caroline Ambrose and Sam Zeller make a campy pair who have no shame going for the broad humor. The younger actors are passable, even when they’re stuck interacting with some of the ugliest art projects ever assembled for the camera. For whatever reason, there’s a subplot involving Tommy’s dad having a baseball card collecting addiction, which seems strange even for 1997, but if it helps Band achieve a 75 minute running length, I guess that’s all that really matters.

High Points

While none give Nickelodeon Kids’ Choice Awards-level performances, the young cast is sufficiently tolerable with material that isn’t always up to par

Low Points

Much like the similarly clueless Kazaam, Goobers seems to have no idea what kind of stories kids actually want to watch. Whereas Shaquille O’Neal’s genie had to battle evil concert bootleggers, the major climax of Goobers relies on reading the fine print of contract negotiations

Lessons Learned

For a child actor, nothing is more horrifying than the Big P

Chekhov’s Law of Baseball Cards: If you feature a rare one, you best have an ugly poop-looking puppet destroy it

Superior beings fart a lot

Rent/Bury/Buy

Goobers (aka Mystery Monsters) is streaming on Netflix, which is the only way you should watch it. Fans of Charles Band’s style (i.e., cheap production values, grotesque little things, and scant running length) will find this a minor dose of something new, as he uses his quick tricks for a so-called kids film.

It just happens to involve a dose of torture. 

And LOTS of farting. 

I'm a Troll Man

Troll and I have a complicated history, primarily because as a child, the box cover art terrified the living pigtails out of me.

I know, I know. This is the same person who was left unimpressed by The Exorcist. 

In fourth grade. 

I grew up with horror, and yet for some reason, that steely eyed gaze of a mucus dripping goblin thing wrapping his fingers around a rainbow bouncing ball did something to little old me. It probably owes most to the fact that as a child, I (rather understandably) found kids-in-peril to be a tad, you know, SCARY. Because at the time, I was a kid. And didn't want to be in peril.

Childhood psychology aside, it's February so let's talk Troll!

And when you're finished here, check out Pearce's Horror Movie Reviews for another take.

Quick Plot: That wacky Michael Moriarty plays Harry Potter, father to Harry Potter Jr. 

Should we talk about this?

Nah, why linger in legal issues when we've got Michael Moriarty lip synching to classic rock!

The Potters are busy moving into a new apartment building in San Francisco. Young daughter Wendy decides to take a tour of her new home's basement. The good news is the building has laundry! The bad news is it also has trolls.

Trolls, in this universe, aren't the House Party-haired good luck charms they came to be in the '90s. This being 1986, trolls are nasty little creatures that can possess humans (in this case, innocent Wendy) to impersonate them and transform an apartment building into their magical forest realm. Along with this, they wear magic mood rings that trollify humans, be they the kind little person Phil Fondacaro (doubling as the troll), a pre-Elaine Benes Julia Louis Dreyfuss, or a self-proclaimed ladies' man swinger Sonny Bono.

Oh yeah. THAT Sonny Bono.

Thankfully there's a witch on hand to help Harry Potter Jr. (go with it) save his sister and battle the wizard-turned-troll. Witch in question is played by June Lockhart (and in a younger incarnation, by her own daughter) as a no-nonsense crone with a mild potty mouth.

Sadly, unlike Lockhart's rival, this witch does not speak jive.

Truthfully though, I wouldn't be surprised if Lockheart DID break out into a jive monologue because Troll, you see, is a strange film. Directed by John Carl Buechler (Ghoulies 3 and Friday the 13th Part VII: The Carrie One) with a script from Dolls' Ed Naha, Troll falls into the Venn diagram meeting quadrant of fantasy, horror, and comedy, not too big a surprise considering it was produced by Full Moon's Charles Band. It's a style that you don't see often today, both for better (because when it ain't done right, it hurts) and worse (because when it's done right, it's weirdly joyful).

Troll is done right. I think. There's the possibility that it's just such an odd, one-of-a-kind sort of film that there's just nothing out there to really compare it to. I dare YOU to name another '80s genre movie with middle age pop star cameos, elaborate puppetry, lip synching Michael Moriarty, and references to the epic poem that I wrote a paper on in college, The Faerie Queen. Nay, I double DOG dare you.

Buechler's tone is all over the place, and that's kind of special in itself. Watching Troll as an adult, I can still understand why it gave me nightmares, just as I can easily see why other viewers would find it laughable. This is the movie that taught Elaine how to dance! This is the movie that has an innocent little girl being possessed by a disgusting and murderous troll! THIS IS THE MOVIE WHERE SONNY BONO TALKS DIRTY!

This is something special.

High Points
The sheer weirdness of Troll makes it, in its own way, far more memorable than its infamous name-only sequel

Low Points
Others could argue that Troll has no idea what it is or who it's trying to appeal to. A PG audience filled with elementary school students? Necking teenagers ready for jumps? Sonny Bono fans?  Eh, let's have a drink and call it a unifier!

The Winning Line(s)
So many to choose from, all spoken by The Neverending Story's Noah Hathaway. Let us count down:
Mom: Keep an eye on your sister
Atreyu: I’d rather watch Star Trek!

Atreyu: Have you been playing with dead cats?

Atreyu: Can I come in? I think I’m gonna throw up.

Lessons Learned
Being trolled will cause one to eat Fantastic Mr. Fox style

Trolls are super good at spear throwing


Beauty generally fades with age, though acting ability apparently fades with age reversal

Rent/Bury/Buy
At barely 80 minutes, Troll is a breezy little oddity well worth revisiting if it's been, like me, a few decades. The DVD is floating around at a pretty bargain price, often paired with its goblin-filled followup. Give it a whirl. If nothing else, there's this:

I've Got a Golden Tick-Um, Spellcaster?

I have no memory of putting 1992’s The Spellcaster on my Netflix queue, but apparently, it happened and I watched it. The following review is proof of such.

Quick Plot: A pair of fresh-faced Ohioan siblings win the chance to compete in an MTV sponsored contest wherein they, plus five detestable young people people get to spend the weekend in an Italian castle with a pop star to find a check for $1 million dollars.

Yes, at this point, your mouth should be watering for an Everlasting Gobstopper.

Essentially, The Spellcaster is an early ‘90s remake of Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, with a few major modifications:

Willy Wonka = Diablo, played by Adam Ant as a demonic Brit who secretly dreams of being a VJ (not to be confused with a DJ, come on people)

Slugworth = The Madonna-esque rock chick from Dolls playing a Madonna-esque rock chick

Lifetime supply of chocolate = $1 million

Veruca Salt = Ivy Crane from Passions (or if you’d like, the mom-in-peril of Rumplestiltskin) as a hot pink leotard wearing California tease with an odd habit of luring men into showers, having them wash her back, and then dismissing them with a polite ‘thank you’

Agustus Gloop = Frank, the token fat guy whose main character quirk is the fact that he eats a lot and gets turned into a pig (cause, you know, he’s fat)

Charlie Bucket = A young and blond Gail O’Grady who does one better by not daring to steal fizzy lifting drinks

Mike Teevee = a British female hunter in riding pants

Oompa Loompas = Diablo’s collection of living antiques, including a killer chair

...and so on. Much like Ghoulies and other minor VHS rentals of its time, The Spellcaster is all about pretty (well, by 1992 standards) people stuck in a giant haunted house for an evening of practical effects-based mayhem. The blood is fairly minimal and visuals more than laughable by today’s standards, but the film has a playful spirit about it that makes the action and dialogue quite smile-worthy for a lazy afternoon. 

High Points

Between a pig transformation, glowstick snake strangulation, and woman-eating chair feast, there sure are some enjoyable death scenes to be found

Low Points

I suppose I could take fault with the fact that the characters are essentially walking stereotypes (Horny Italian Guy, Good Girl, Her Brother, French Skank, Blond Bitch Who Disrespects Books, Aggressive Huntress...okay, the last one’s new). In truth, I found that aspect rather amusing

Lessons Learned

There ain’t no such thing as winners in Cleveland

Like so much else in Italy, policeman pants are exceedingly sexy

Italian men are well aware that they are greasy and always want to come (you know, for walks)

As the great Fear No Evil taught us, when in doubt, toss in zombies

Winning Line

“It’s the police, and I don’t see Sting”

When said with utter seriousness, these words are kind of golden

Rent/Bury/Buy

The Spellcaster is streaming on Netflix, which is precisely where it should be. The film is  a typical grilled American cheese sandwich, not overly nourishing but tasty enough for lunchtime satisfaction. 

Pinnochio Sematery

Stand tall, little ones. This is YOUR month to shine, and shine you shall...even when 

you’ve been buried in a Charles Band cemetery since 2005 possessed by the Full Moon spirit circa 1991.

Quick Plot: In 1905, a young girl named Sophia survives her cruel single father with the comfort of her ugly and politically incorrect collection of dolls. When she breaks a vase during playtime, Pops punishes Sophia by forcing her to bury her friends in the backyard, a stressful little process that leads to her bumping her head and apparently, dying instantly. Rather than do something moral like call a doctor or check your pulse, Dad decides to cover Sophia with her pals as the film flashes forward a century.

New millennium, new family, still headed by a single dad (still played by the poor man’s Tim Roth, Ken Lyle). We also have self-proclaimed hottie senior Deedee and her geeky little brother Guy, a kid with a soft spot for collectibles. He happens to discover the burial ground of Sophia’s dolls on the same night Dad’s got a date and slutty big sis is having an unauthorized, uninteresting house party with the token jock jerks, blond bimbo, and good girl. In no time, the dirt-caked, vendetta-holding dollies are scurrying around the house with tiny guns loaded, jagged teeth sharpened, and stabby sticks aimed.

Doll Graveyard is a Charles Band production, a fact you can smell from the very first glimpse of Sophia’s horrifically adorable toys. Between the sweetly sleazy Blood Dolls and the tamest women-in-prison B-movie ever made that was Dangerous Worry Dolls, I’m starting to wonder if Band actually purchased all rights to the word ‘doll’ when used in films. I’ve also learned to expect a few hallmarks:

-Neat effects and unique doll designs not without their charms

-Tiny glassy eyes that rarely blink

-Questionable but generally high energy levels of acting

-Very little attempt to explain any form of backstory for the highly fantastical plotline

The final point is the oddest, as Doll Graveyard is barely 71 minutes long. And that’s including an opening credits sequence, best-of cast listing at the end, and slowest scrolling credits I’ve ever seen. It’s something of a shame that Doll Graveyard doesn’t stretch out its welcome a tad more. The body count is low and story barely there, but the dolls are as fun as anything in Band’s Puppet Master series and could have easily earned more screentime if the script gave them half a chance.

High Points

A good killer doll movie can only be as good as its own killer dolls (apologies, Cathy’s Curse) and it pleases me to say that the wrinkled Samurai, sad-eyed soldier, rotted baby and--dear me--well-hung Oogah Boogah are all interesting little creatures

Like many a Charles Band production, the instrumental score is quite grand and good

Low Points

Too many survivors is a problem I personally often cite with ‘nicer’ horror movies, but it’s especially apparent in Doll Graveyard, where we don’t really like anyone enough to need their survival, yet end the day with what feels like more characters than we started with

Lessons Learned

A samurai is also known as a hobo with a sword

Lincoln freed the slaves

When looking for your cell phone in a room that is clearly hosting a killer doll, approach with caution. Enter at normal speed, fumble through everything you see with nervous speed, but always be sure to pause, wait for the music to kick in, then reach--everrrrr sooooo sloooooooowllllllllyyyyyy--for your phone once you spot it, because clearly that’s what tension calls for

Rent/Bury/Buy

Doll Graveyard is, in its essence, a modern day Full Moon picture, meaning you can expect a certain amount of intrigue, cool kills, surprisingly well-orchestrated music, and an ultimate sense of twee. Even the most sensitive dollophobe (what are you looking at?) won’t really find anything to fear, though there’s enough to amuse certain fans .This is the kind of film that belongs on Instant Watch or tucked comfortably in a value pack, fun enough for a snow day that wasn’t or laundry folding accompaniment, but not worth a journey into your wallet.

Why I Love: Dolls

Not surprisingly, Stuart Gordon’s Dolls is one of my all-time favorite films. 

You never saw that one coming eh?

But why, you might wonder, aside from the fact that it’s 77 minutes of killer doll action, would I adore such a film? A few reasons:

Judy Bower

Child actors are a risky gamble in any film, particularly when they’re under ten and required to hold a whole lot of screentime. With the wrong little actress, the character of Judy would’ve been an insufferable little cutebag. Thankfully, Carrie Lorraine has a true every-girlness about her, something helped by a terrible haircut (we all have those self-pictures), reliance on a comfy stuffed animal and chubby cheeks. You can’t not like this little girl.

Teddy

Somewhere in the history of the hit-and-miss series, Tales From the Darkside, is a terrifying 23 minutes about an evil teddy bear. As a child, this concept terrified me more than the one-eyed baby doll that my older sister would chase me around the house with when my parents were out. I KNEW dolls were evil, but the thought of a cuddly and soft stuffed animal hungry for my blood was simply wrong. 

I think Stuart Gordon knows this, which is why Titanic Teddy--at least that’s what I call him--ISN’T actually bad. He’s scary and kind of wrong, but like the spirit that runs throughout Dolls, he’s also ultimately in the right.

Carolyn Purdy-Gordon

The long-time wife of director Stuart Gordon, Carlone Purdy-Gordon is, to be kind, kind of what you’d call a handsome woman. I imagine she can look quite lovely with the right styling, but she also possesses a certain Nicole Kidman-like sharpness that plays perfectly with her evil stepmother incarnation. She’s well-matched with her squirmy weakling husband played by Ian Patrick Williams, but it’s her all-out detestability that gives Dolls such a strong basis for knowing right from wrong.

Anti-cues

After seeing Dolls, can you EVER pronounce that word the right way?

Fairy Tale Spirit

I’ve tried in the past to justify why I think Dolls is the perfect horror film for kids. Sure, there are brutal killings and horrific images, but unlike so many movies that share its shelf space, Dolls is innocent. The titular villains don’t kill indiscriminately; they evaluate their potential victims and spare those who display an inner goodness. It’s a fine lesson children should heed!

See, Dolls is essentially a Grimm Brothers fairy tale filled with evil stepmothers, kindly old folks, stormy woods, mysterious mansions, Madonna obsessed punkettes, and--well, it’s not verbatim Grimm, but the spirit is there. 

The Kills

We only see three deaths in all their glory, but boy do they count. Enid’s battle with the tin soldiers is both funny and dark, and Rosemary’s everything-but-the-kitchen sink doll attack makes you wince and cheer. For my own personal taste, it’s David’s doll transformation that wins. Imagine what it must feel like to have your nose stretched into a hook, your spine raised over your head and your cheekbones made to bust out of your face. In a word, I’d say ouch.

Oh yeah, the DOLLS

Cowboys! Clowns! Stylish stabbers with leopard headwraps! The dolls of Dolls are simply extraordinary works of art, and while some modern technowizards might giggle at the stop motion stumbles, I find everything from their tiny snarling lips to their overly wide eyes truly wonderful.

Not to be creepy, but if you haven’t seen Dolls, then I know exactly what you’re doing for the next 77 minutes. Go.