Hangin' Tough

Ah, the Internet. A place that lets you do virtually anything, be it pay your credit card bills, partake in ant porn, apply for jobs, learn how to open champagne bottles without losing an eye, or meet fellow depressed people and form a complex yet ill-defined suicide pact that has something to do with Tarot cards.

Welcome to The Hanged Man.

Quick Plot: A mixed bag of sad people who have met online gather at a rural barn, the plan being group suicide once their webmaster, the nerdily named Dwarfstar arrives. The group--who refer to each other only by their screennames--includes the following:

-SoCo, a moody young man always getting kicked out chatrooms

-Flash, a tried and true cowboy who shows he is such by wearing a hat

-LT56, a middle aged maybe stockbroker with a tragic past

-X-Factor, a British talent competition about--oh, I mean, a serious woman who’s not very interesting

-Spaceshot, an appropriately named spacey blond

-and lastly, Miles, a man in need of both a better Internet handle and shirt

Nobody really likes each other and we have no reason to like any of them, but hey, we’ve got another 90 minutes to go so let’s talk. Without their ringleader, the gang is completely lost as to how to proceed, even throwing fits when someone dares to try to kill them (even though, as one character points out, they came to this place to die anyway). Through a few convenient conversations, we learn a little more about what brought these people to this point: LT56 (or Jerry, or best yet, Bruno from the Toni year of Beverly Hills, 90210) lost his family in 9/11. X-Factor had a suicidal mom (and maybe another secret). Spaceshot was abused by her father, Miles is dying, Flash is repressing some shame and SoCo is just kind of a jerk. Eventually, an unlucky/ominous sheriff enters the picture and tension slowly simmers. Kind of.

The Hanged Man isn’t necessarily a good film, but it does go for something somewhat different than your typical straight to DVD horror. I recently started watching Felicia Day’s adorable web series, The Guild, a comedy about awkward computer gamers whose lives get a tad more awkward when they finally meet. The Hanged Man could almost be the horror version of it, except without most of the entertainment (or X!) factor.

See, it’s been about 5 days since I watched The Hanged Man and quite frankly, I can barely remember anything about it. There was a twist ending that was--I think--somewhat surprising. Maybe. A lot of screen cheats. Angry people I didn't care about in the least and stuff happened to them. 

At a certain point, there were credits. I guess this was that kind of movie.

High Points

I don't want to delve too far into spoilers, but there's a homosexual storyline I didn't see coming that was handled rather decently for a film that was otherwise pretty mediocre

Low Points

As I said, there's just nothing overly sympathetic about any of our characters, making slogging through the film a rather emotionless experience

Lessons Learned

Throwing a gun at a person is perfectly safe

Bigots eat hater tots (which I assume taste better with ketchup)

People who feel like outcasts and spend the majority of their lives whining about the world on the Internet are generally much more in shape and attractive than the majority of happy well-adjusted members of society

As the far superior 7 Mummies taught us already, stock footage of spiders cannot ever be used enough onscreen

Rent/Bury/Buy

It might sound odd if I say I'm intrigued by suicide pacts, but I am odd and I said it, and that premise was indeed the reason I rented The Hanged Man. On that front, it's a definite disappointment. I never really bought these people as hovering over the edge, and their interactions with one another lacked just about any form of chemistry. Still, it's competently shot and acted and does try some different things with its story. I would ambivalently--very ambivalently, oxymoron be damned--recommend a stream if it comes on Instant or cable, but nothing more.

Just Call Me Angel of the Mourning

Pity a film that oversells itself with a way-too-good (by my standards) trailer. While anyone can understand a preview that shows the best bits to draw you in, it’s something of a tragedy to realize mid-movie that nothing you’re about to see will beat those 3 minutes of teasery.

Examine, if you will, the red band trailer for 2010’s Legion:

Awesome, right? Spidery senior citizens! Cheesy one-liners involving Christianity! Fist pump Doug Jones! Kickass Roc! Dennis Quaid aging gracefully!

How could this not be the best theatrical horror since Orphan ?

Sigh. As almost everyone who eventually watched Legion knows, it’s kind of the very definition of the word ‘meh.’

Quick Plot: 8 months pregnant with a soon-to-be adopted fetus probably suffocating from desert air and chain smoke, Charlie (Adrianne Palicki) waits tables at a lonely restaurant visited primarily by lost and car troubled travelers. On this sunny xmas eve, diners include a possible thug (you know...because he's black), unhappy rich family with a skanky teen daughter, and regulars/employees Dennis Quaid (why?) Charles “Roc” S. Dutton, and lovestruck Lucas Black. Things get slightly more interesting when newcomer Michael (Paul Bettany, all whispery and white) saunters in like an albino cowboy, his mission being to ensure the safety of Charlie’s unborn child in order to save the soon-to-be exterminated human race.

(Significance???)

See, God’s going retro this year with a throwback to the Old Testament. Instead of a flood (soooo B.C.) or locust plague, the big man has ordered his flying posse to zombify mere mortals. Ever the defiant one, Michael cuts off his own strings--er, wings--because Black’s unwavering crush on the town slut means deep down, humans are awesome. 

Had I not watched the impeccably cut trailer, Legion may have proved to be a guilty enough pleasure. B+ list actors slumming in wacko genre fare is always a treat, and the very concept of a demon/angel/zombie war is entertaining enough in its silliness. Unfortunately, there’s something so heavy about Legion that never lets the audience feel any joy.

Don’t get me wrong. I don’t require tongue-in-cheek goofiness in every religiously themed horror, but a film should know when to wink. Legion seems to think such a twitch would be a sin worthy of eternal torment or no hard candy from the likes of this woman:

High Points

One bait and switch scene involving blond children (never a good sign) is actually rather frightening

God’s fickleness is somewhat amusing in a total “What a dick!” kind of way

Low Points

How do you cast Kevin Durand--that 6’8 or so slab of psycho Lost baddie goodness--as a dark angel and make him so damn dull?

Remember that awesome Doug Jones ice cream man transformation you saw in the trailer? Cool right? And that’s it

The Winning Line

“I gotta get my bible.”

“What for?”

 “Somebody’s gotta start praying”

If Legion had more moments of cheese such as these, I would be melting it over french fries and smiling far more than my current sleepy scowl

Lessons Learned

Just cause you’re a girl means you CAN deliver a baby

The assigning of the next messiah is more random than the state lottery drawing

Angelically possessed zombies are surprisingly easy to kill, providing you’re not an idiot that runs straight into 180 of them gathered in mob stance 

Rent/Bury/Buy

Invest no capital or energy in seeing this film. Too empty for a rewatch, too blah to be drinkable. It’s a stopping-on-a-cable-channel-on-a-snowy-evening kind of movie that should prove to be passable enough for a TV watch but simply doesn’t require any more of your resources. Pop a mini-bag of popcorn, cue up the superb trailer, and save yourself 106 minutes with a much better time.

For Those Bored With Stamps, Baseball Cards & Vintage Barbies

When considering the color of your parachute, I imagine there’s a fine shade between exterminator, MacGuyver, and sadistic murderer. Which profession pays the best probably depends on location and the general state of the economy.

And that brings us to 2009’s The Collector, a slick and soulless torture treat that should in no way be confused with the 1965 Terrence Stamp/Samantha Eggar classic of the same name.

Which you should really just go and watch right now. My feelings won't be hurt. Heck, leave a comment about what an underrated gem that film is and I'll buy you a hot dog!*

*Please note 'hot dogs' in Internet speak are defined as good intentions sent via mind waves.

Quick Plot:

A mumbling locksmith named Arkin installs new security bars on a country mansion, bringing home his pay to a bitchy wife who inconvenieintly enough, happens to be inexplicably in debt to loan sharks. To save her and his young daughter, Arkin agrees to break into the wealthy home and steal a ginormous dark crystal for The Wire’s Bunny Colvin.

Naturally, the plan goes awry when Arkin discovers every room has been booby trapped, each family member kidnapped, and all exits boarded up in record time.

The Collector is an efficient man not without a sense of humor. While he starts his trap design with subtle and effective invisible wires, each room gets progressively more ridiculous, slowly increasing to knife-dangling chandeliers and a den entirely carpeted by open bear traps. Give director Mark Dunstan some credit for following Chekhov’s rule of showing a gun in Act I; by Act III, all of the insanely overworked traps are tested and proven.

But is the movie any good? From a technical view, sure. The gore is gruesome. The action welll-staged. It’s as fine a film as Saw III with about the same amount of black spark, meaning The Collector is slick, cold, and about as empty in substance as an airy bag of Lay’s potato chips.

High Points

I kid about the mumbling of lead Josh Stewart, but at least the main character of Arkin is likable enough to draw our sympathy (my general main issue with the Saw franchise)

Low Points

It’s hard to really pinpoint what’s wrong with The Collector. The plot is singular but well-told. Performances are adequate. Ultimately all the elements are sleekly unified, but there’s njust nothing in or about The Collector to leave a single lasting memory

Lessons Learned

If you’re so concerned about securing your masion, perhaps you should be a tad more discrete about the fact that you’re immediately planning an extended vacation

Front-opening bras are useful for kitchen makeout sessions and quickie button-ups, but rather weak when it comes to actual chest support


Wealthy family men often collect gigantic jewels worthy of demonic chants or Jim Henson films

Little girls dig basket bears

Rent/Bury/Buy

For a modern theatrical horror release, The Collector is a surprisingly small little entry. A tthe same time, I can’t in any way say I personally enjoyed it or will plan on seeing the film ever again. For my personal taste, it was a tad too empty to register as anything mildly special. The DVD includes a commentary and (I think) featurette or two, so at least it’s packaged with care. If the premise interests you and Saw-style filming is your cup of grog, grab it. If the ugly execution of 21st century torture porn makes you feel old, skip it and eat a taco. Or better yet, do yourself some good and pick up a book. Might I recommend... 

Trust me. Have I ever done you wrong?

Oy Vey

I would like, if I may, take you on a strange journey.

HOW STRANGE? you shout with your water pistols aimed.

Strange enough that back when George Bush was still in office, I watched the trailer for The Unborn in a crowded Friday night movie theater and said to my ticket buddy, “Am I crazy, or does that look kind of good?”

Ahhhh, the folly of youth! I knew then that what I was seeing in a 2 minute, heavily edited preview was by far the best moments this Platinum Dunes film had to offer. Still, I was mildly intrigued to the point that a year and library card swipe later, The Unborn somehow ended up in my DVD player. 


I suppose we've learned that sometimes, the library is not necessarily our friend.

Quick Plot: Meet Casey (Odette Yustman), a rich young college student who should really eat more. Such a chore is difficult, however, when upon cracking some cholesterol-loaded eggs, strange thorax-heavy potato bugs spring free. 

Couple this with an earlier dream involving a mask-wearing dog, buried bottled fetus, and blue-eyed child dressed in Holocaust duds and you’ve got a fragile woman in typical stalked-by-dybbuks mode.

Turns out, Casey was formerly a twin who unceremoniously strangled her brother in the womb with her umbilical cord. Badass, right? Not really, since all Yustman can do throughout the film is look sad and/or cute in underwear. You would think a character with a parents played by the utterly awesome James Remar and Carla Gugino would at least have some spark of personality, but that’s asking an awful lot from a movie too busy drenching itself in blue, musical cues carefully timed for jump scares (and thusly negating said jump scare), and lazily researched Jewish mythology.

See, Casey is being haunted/stalked by a dybbuk, an evil entity described in Hebrew lore as a wandering soul that attaches itself to humans. For Casey, this in an inherited problem akin to baldness, something grandmother and mother faced with varying results (Grandma kicked its ass in a concentration camp; Mama hung herself in failure).  The side effects are varied: yes, it seems to be driving those around her insane and homicidal (poor babysitting charge and sassy friend that hates old people) but it also means that Casey gets to sport snappy blue contacts and use an oversized bathroom at a busy club all by herself! When does that ever happen?!

The bathroom scene is important to note because it pretty much encompasses the limitations of The Unborn in 3 minutes. As Casey embraces a sparkling stainless steel toilet to vomit away (hmmmm...I wonder what THAT can mean), an icky mixture of brown fluid and insects starts to take over the ladies room. The lighting goes all strobe, the music gets intense, and poor pretty Casey screams. For a brief moment, it’s actually effective and then we realize--well before it happens--that the scene is bound to end with her bland boyfriend opening the door to the lights back on, floors cleaner than Joan Crawford’s tile, and Casey crunched in the corner wondering where all the CGI went. 

And that’s The Unborn in a nutshell, a film with some intriguing imagery and ambitious story ideas squished into a modern formula of J-horror makeovers with watered down American soda. I didn’t mention Gary Oldman, who enters late in the tale to exhaustively play a rabbi with a lot of free time on his hands. I should give a quick shout-out to Stringer Bell (yes I know his name is Idris Elba and no, I will still never refer to him, nor any actor formerly of The Wire, as anything but their Baltimore name) playing a kind, if irresponsible priest. I was happy to see C.S. Lee (Remar’s Dexter costar) as an optometrist. I like that the dybbuk’s name “Jumby” summoned all sorts of imagination in me picturing Pee-Wee’s pal Jambi trying to reborn in Yustman’s womb. That made me happy enough.

Yup. That’s about it.

High Points

Thought it doesn’t give us any context and therefore ultimately falls flat, the opening dream sequence is rather promising in its use of surreal imagery

Low Points

Yes, men and women of particular persuasions will find something to admire in Yustman’s model look, but the rest of us search fruitlessly for any iota of reason to actually care about what happens to her. It’s not so much the acting as it is the fact that the character has no defining characteristics to make her likable or existent

Lessons Learned

Stroke victims are surprisingly spry when possessed by Jewish demons

Windchimes chiming are a sign that a dubbuk is near. They're also a sign that it’s windy

While this has nothing to do with any plot point and ultimately has no consequence, I still think it’s a bad idea to go to sleep with your expensive Mac book at the foot of your bed

The best way to unite all faiths and end religious war is to hold an exorcism

Rent/Bury/Buy

Eh. As hard as I’m being on The Unborn, it was at least a mildly original entry into the “The U-” craze of horror earlier this year. There are some vaguely interesting visuals at work, but this is still a rather dull barely-there footprint in theatrical American horror. Catch it on cable or with a few good drinks. In the right altered state, I can see the sight of one of this era’s best actor wearing a yarmulke and blowing into a sparkly Vegas-style religious didgeridoo being a much better time.

A Title With a Z, Just Cause the World Needs More

We all have some form of personal responsibility, something we take good care of and touch with carefully sanitized hands. Gardens. Cars. Book collections. While my desk is messier than a Double Dare game floor, my Netflix Queue is just about the most impeccable virtual list you’ve ever not seen. I always know my top 5 order and am quick to transfer any Instant Watch to its other queue. Never once have I opened my mail to a question mark.

Until last week, when I discovered a copy of Organizm in my hands. The premise sounded like something I’d watch: a deadly life form threatens to destroy Earth!--but I had no memory of adding it to my queue, especially when I discovered this was a made-for-SyFy Channel original.

Worst of all, in researching Organizm (i.e., reading the Netflix page), I discovered this film was now streaming on Instant Watch, meaning watching this movie cost three more days of delay when I could have been enjoying Up In the Air or something sure to be amazing called Blood Dolls.

My mood was not good.

Quick Plot: In a promising prologue, a young boy is given some Very Important Instructions from his loopy mother, who then proceeds to shoot his father in a laughably awful CGI effect. 

Flash forward some years where our moppet has grown into biology teacher Frank Sears (Johnathon Schaech) with mysterious scars, now driving full speed to a military base to offer some frantic warning. There he meets hazmat specialist soldier Carrie Freeborn (mini scream queen Erica Leerhsen) and her husband, the wheelchair-bound Glenn (Jason Wiles, who will forever be known to me as the artist who got Kelly hooked on cocaine in Beverly Hills 90210). Despite his pleas, the couple send some bubble wrapped scientists underground to investigate an abandoned research facility where a sealed band of dead brainiacs has been rotting for a few decades.

Turns out, there’s some sort of parasitic CGI-powered life form itching to feed on light, crawl over screaming extras, and turn the world into a computer generated Living Hell (it’s alternate title, IMDB trivia-explained as being what a test audience member described the viewing experience to be; I am dubious). The townspeople are represented by a cute but rather terrible child actress and her kindly Native American grandfather, while the military industrial complex wears the stern face of James McDaniel. 

As you can expect, the authorities make silly pigheaded decisions and our attractive leads act heroically. 

Organizm probably wasn’t made with high ambitions, although its helmer (Richard Jefferies) is responsible for one of my favorite underseen ‘80s meanies, Scarecrows. There’s nothing horrifying about the film, which is probably more to do with the filmmaking restrictions of crafting a quickie for a two-hour timeblock timed for commercials advertising Scare Tactics. The concept has some juice to it and anything somewhat Blob-related works to a certain extent, but the film doesn’t ever exceed its expectations. It works for 90 minutes. Then ends. 

I don’t remember much else.

High Points

While there are plenty of misses (not missus) in the cast, the performances are overall strong enough in that the actors take their roles seriously

Low Points

Sorry, Day of the Dead '08 :  It appears you’ve lost the one superlative you wore so well: Organizm takes the crown for Worst CGI Gunshot To the Head of all time

Lessons Learned

It’s okay to let a man rub blood all over your naked body if your husband died thirteen hours earlier, providing there’s a heavy soundtrack of Native American chanting to make the mood classy

Always know where to find a projector

Never underestimate the importance of upper arm strength, particularly if you don’t otherwise possess any movement in your lower half

Rent/Bury/Buy

Well don’t rent it, since any Netflix subscriber can see the film on Instant Watch and SyFy recerivers will probably catch it (sans one awkward moment of nudity) on a Sunday marathon. As far as made-for-cable obscurity or European television market thrillers go, Organizm is just fine. The acting is believable enough, the biology sound (to my 9th grade A- grade experience) and save for the typical SyFy CGI, some of the effects are decent. I doubt I’ll ever seek out Organizm for a second viewing but those fans of science-y time fillers shouldn’t hate me too much if I suggest not switching the channel if nothing else is on. Nothing special, but acceptable for those with a particular computer flavored taste.