When Bad Seeds Blossom

It should surprise no one when I admit my undying love for The Bad Seed. After Night of the Living Dead, it was probably the first black and white film that I saw as a child and immediately declared amazing. Watching it today, The Bad Seed remains a true classic: funny and mean, psychologically complex and campy cool.

Hence, when I discovered that Patty McCormack--Rhoda Penmark herself--had starred in a 1995 horror comedy-ish film about an overprotective mother with homicidal tendencies, I was, duh, excited.

Quick Plot: McCormack plays a character IMDB lists, quite simply, as “Mommy” and though I *think* she had an actual name in the film, I didn’t write anything down and so I’m just going to pretend she’s called Rhoda 2.0. Rhoda 2.0 is a single mother to Jessica Ann (Rachel Lemieux), a pleasant little girl who often wins plaques for being just darling. This year, however, Jessica Ann’s teacher has decided to give the top honor to a needier student, and if we’ve learned anything from 1956, it’s that watching the wrong child earn a medal makes Patty McCormack angry, and trust us: you won’t like her when she’s angry.

That’s a lie of course. We loooooooove Ms. McCormack in any mood, especially when she’s not even trying to cover up the bloodlust in her giant blue eyes.

Naturally, it’s not long before the school's staff has an opening. The dreadfully miscast caretaker (who seems to pronounce every line phonetically) starts to sniff out the Rhoda 2.0 clan and Jessica Ann wonders why so many people seem to die after pissing off her mother. We get a little backstory at how Rhoda 2.0 has gone through her share of suitable husbands, an amusing tidbit that’s sadly not developed nearly enough. The current suitor is (SPOILER ALERT) a secret FBI agent who also happens to truly care about the young Jessica Ann. Toss in Jason Miller--yes, The Exorcist’s Jason Miller--as a surly head detective and B-Movie babe Brinke Stevens as a sweet aunt and you have the makings of a campy horror.

Written and directed by crime novelist Max Allan Collins, Mommy is a bad movie in the way bad movies are made to be made and cherished on a popcorn-fueled Sunday afternoon. As you can see from the extras, Patty McCormack is a fine actor capable of great and diverse work, but she’s also good-natured and dedicated enough embrace the role that made her famous for over forty years. Having mastered the sociopathic honors student onstage and screen, McCormack brings the same maniacal perfectionism to Mommy that earned her an Oscar nomination with The Bad Seed. 

Does the film do her justice? No, but her energy is almost enough to make it feel as though it did. Collins makes his directorial debut with a budget so low, its price tag nearly pops up in every shot-on-video (in 1995, no less) scene. I’m hoping the sequel--yes, there is one and worry not: it’s high on the queue--goes a little more out with the shameless kitch factor. I kind of dug some of the twistedness of Mommy’s parenting, such as how she convinces Jessica Ann to help smear the name of the late almost Mr. Penmark 2.0. 

High Points

As Jessica Ann, young actress Lemieux holds her own quite well, both in her shared scenes with McCormack and the well-delivered (if barely audible) narration

McCormack’s final line is absolutely fitting as it shows the true nature of a woman more obsessed with herself than she can possibly know

Low Points

I’m not normally one to quibble with budgetary restrictions, but a little more lighting would have, you know, allowed us to see what was actually happening in the movie

Likewise, an aggressive score is the right idea for a film of this kind of nature, but we also would rather hear the (admittedly not great) dialogue than bombastic orchestral music

Lessons Learned

When confessing your secret identity or homicidal plans to the child of a murderous psychopath, it’s probably a good idea to lower your voice

Falling four feet off a ladder will kill you


If you’re employed as a caretaker, stay the hell away from Patty McCormack

A good aunt lets you stay up late to watch Seinfeld

Rent/Bury/Buy

Mommy is a film made for a very specific audience: fans of The Bad Seed. The diehards amongst that hopefully large demographic will be happy with this DVD, a disc that includes a commentary and a warm and charming interview with Ms. McCormack (who also contributed a lot to fine The Bad Seed release). For others, it's not violent or campy enough to really merit much of anything. 

The Good Daughter

I love the taste of liquid butter when accompanied with a fresh theatrical horror release and for that reason and several others, I heart Jaume Collet-Serra’s Orphan.


You’ve seen the posters. Maybe read some wildly mixed reviews, which range from a glowing 3.5 Ebert enhanced stars to The New York Times’ raging dismissal. Now just see the movie


...after reading this:


Quick Plot: Well-off Connecticut couple Kate (Vera Farmiga) and John (Peter Sarsgaard) are trying to recover from a few more-than-unpleasant recent events: the stillborn birth of their third child, the near drowning of young daughter Max, and the unsteady acknowledgment of Kate’s alcoholism (“I didn’t go to AA. I just stopped drinking.”). Naturally, they’re in the perfect position to adopt a child.

The lucky orphaness is none other than Esther, a well-spoken and well-dressed (for the Victorian era) Russian lass who survived a mysterious house fire that not suspiciously took the rest of her family. A talented little artist, Esther charms her new dad with paintings that would totally kick the skinny hipster ass of Ethan Hawke’s tortured Great Expectations hack while quickly bonding with Max by learning the complete sign language dictionary in the time it takes eat a fun-sized Milky Way.


Life would be fine and fairy tale happy if, you know, this wasn’t a horror film. Thankfully, Orphan has plenty of tension to build thanks a good deal in part to Farmiga’s Kate. You might recognize her as the token what-do-I-do-with-her female in Scorcesse’s overrated The Departed (a good film, but more a cheap attempt to apologize for snubbing Goodfellas than a Best Picture and Director earner). Here, Farmiga creates a completely believable and complicated woman. Sarsgaard is somewhat burdened with the doofier role, but in their shared scenes, these two create a realistic married couple who love one another, but must at times deal with personal distrust and the fact that they both simply love their children more.

It’s not that Orphan is revolutionary in its approach to the bad seed formula. If anything, there are certain set pieces that just scream to be used in the final act and leave you little surprised at their execution. At the same time, Orphan is richer than Esther’s velvety choker when it comes to tossing in some shockingly bizarre oh-no-they-didn’t moments. Most importantly, the entire cast equips itself with full dedication in bringing to life a nice enough family and the incredibly evil presence about to invade it.

I wasn’t entirely sold on the film’s resolution, but for two hours, I was amused, a little disturbed, a moment or two frightened, and entirely entertained.


High Points
Young Aryanna Engineer is both angelic and sympathetically real as Max, the sweet but far too trusting little sister-to-be

Orphan’s opening sequence is unsettling in more ways than one; yes, there’s the whole scary childbirthing blood, but it’s the Freudian role play that makes it work on a deeper level. I’ve never given birth, but I imagine that during such an experience, I too would cast the father of my outcoming fetus in a rather villainous role


Farmiga gives Kate her all throughout the film, but my personal favorite moment of her performance comes the morning after Esther causes a slight coitus interruptus. The hopeful look on Farmiga’s face after her clearly rehearsed explanation of what sex means to adults is pitch perfect

Low Points
There’s a whole lot of predictability throughout Orphan, which definitely whittles down its scare factor by a bit


I get that the film is trying to hold onto bloodthirsty viewers during its non-violent middle chunk, but quick cut jump scares involving bathroom mirrors feel far too forced


Lessons Learned
Fantastical treehouses that could only exist in cinema and television (just how did Bart or Homer build such a sturdy little cabin anyway?) are as flammable as they are impressive

Snorphan jokes are funny, but a tad tasteless when said on the way to adopting a child


Setting a film in winter will automatically earn it bonus points because peacoats, precariously iced over ponds, and clumsy gloves are naturally good scare factors

Connecticut cops are not prompt


See/Skip/Sneak Into
Skip two days of iced cappuccinos and see this movie. Not only does it deliver $10 worth of entertainment ($12.50 if you reside in that darned NYC) but enough fans paying for original horror sends a positive message to creativity-challenged studios about what we really want.


My motives for seeing Orphan were in no small part due to one Mr. Matt-suzaka, whose thoroughly splendiforous new blog featured a truly inspiring horror call to arms, which is not to go unread or unheeded. His post actually forced my Merrill sneakers to hit the subway and see what indeed was wrong with Esther, and for that I’m quite thankful.

Rugrats Worth a Rescue

For many horror audiences, the very presence of a prominent child character spells doom. One less death scene (I mean, with the exception of Who Can Kill a Child?, who CAN kill a child?), plus the more-than-likely chance that we’ll be subjected to an abstinence inspiring performance.

Every now and then however, those underage thespians impress. Sometimes, it’s pure dramatic talent, while other kids are simply likable enough to warrant survivor status. Upon watching the mediocre prequel Amityville II: The Possession, I realized that as much as I was craving the inevitable massacre, I wanted to spare the two youngest moppets, whose only cinematic crime was having an easily possessible older brother and an NRA enthusiast of a father. For that, they didn't deserve to die. Plus, they were cute.

This week’s countdown is devoted to the best kid characters in horror. Note that I'm sticking with those on the “good” side, because it’s far too easy write a linguistic shrine to Rhoda Penmark. In other words, expect a slow and uninspired day of mine to feature a linguistic shrine to Rhoda Penmark.

5) Corey Feldman as Tommy Jarvis, Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter

Remember when Corey Feldman was the brother you always wanted? A few years before he became the neighbor with great pot connections you wish would move upstairs and well before his semi-stardom as the slightly less annoying half of an uexceptionally unexceptional reality start couple you’d like to see exiled to a Battle Royale-esque Fox TV contest? Yeah, prior to puberty, Feldman was a unique presence onscreen, particularly when he played  the only memorable (and perhaps likable) character in a Friday the 13th film. As Tommy, Feldman was a resourceful Fangoria fan who knew a thing or two about monster hunting. His subsequent reincarnations--first as a disturbed teen and then as a bland grave-digging idiot--didn’t quite fulfill his alter ego’s destiny, but for once, Jason had a victim worth the chase and a slasher sequel rose above the Dead Teenager Genre. )

4)  Ivana Baquero as Ofelia, Pan’s Labyrinth

Guillermo Del Toro is a man of many talents, but much like a better-known American director soon to appear on this list, one of his most admirable strengths is his unique ability to direct children. The Devil’s Backbone features an entire orphanage of sympathetic pre-teens and Cronos has a perfectly cast (and totally adorable) little girl at its heart, but it’s Baquero‘s Ofelia who takes the mini-Oscar. Many child-starring films brand the main kids as supporting actors, but Ofelia is front and center throughout most of this horrific, historic fantasy. Whether she’s taking instructions from a CGI faun or standing up to her facsist stepfather, Ivana Baquero maintains a worldly dignity that transcends age.

3) Heather O'Rourke as Carol Ann, Poltergeist

Poltergiest is the perfect bargain horror film because there’s something scary for every audience. You may have outgrown your fear of that gumby-armed clown doll under the bed (although admit it: there’s no way you’ve outgrown your fear of that gumby-armed clown doll under the bed) but as an adult, the terror of losing your child suddenly takes on new and more terrifying implications. Cast Heather O’Rourke as the kidnappee in question and you can multiply that fear by a thousand Zelda Rubenstiens (but she’s small, so let's make it one thousand Zeldas standing on top of CraigT. Nelson’s shoulders). O’Rourke doesn’t do a whole lot in the first Spielbergian commandeered Hooper collaboration, but her angelic presence casts a deep and haunting mood over the the entire series. The tragedy of her young death amplifies this sadness so much that I find Part III unbearable to watch (plus, it’s a really bad movie).

2) Alex Vincent as Andy Barkley, Child’s Play

For quite a few years following my initial viewing, I ranked Child’s Play to be the most terrifying film of all time and attributed this declaration to two personal factors: 1) I was petrified of dolls and 2) I was six years old. Over time, I’ve slowly come to face just why Chucky was my boogeyman: his primary prey was Andy Barkley. Watching Child’s Play today, I’m struck by how vital Alex Vincent’s performance truly is. Observe his joy upon hugging that Good Guy the first time and you realize just how lonely a boy this fatherless tike has become, making Chucky’s turn so much more cruel. It’s one thing to crack the limbs of your irresponsible voodoo teacher or to fry the brain of a dubious child psychologist; it’s just pure evil to make a ice little boy cry.

1) Haley Joel Osment as Cole Sear, The Sixth Sense

Say what you want about the degeneration of M. Night Shayamalan as a filmmaker (are we throwing hives of killer bees? Because I should stretch first) but admit one fact: Haley Joel Osment’s performance as Cole Sear is heartbreaking. Playing the role of a dead-people-seeing outcast, Osment moves like a frightened deer and carries himself like an insomniac whose only moments of peace are nightmares Freddy Krueger would be scared to visit. The most terrifying scene comes early, as a cruel party prank places Cole in a locked closet with a raging ghost. When he finaly emerges, the look on 11 year-old Osment’s face is pure terror. Sure, he may have lost our sympathy in Pay It Forward and deserved a good mauling in The Country Bears , but Forrest Gump Jr. created a character that will always be worth a cuddly Bruce Willis's bodyguard defense.

So dear readers, which school-aged horror characters would you like to keep save from spirits, slashers, stranglers, and sadists?