Not a Gentle Probe

If you had told me that someone basically made a feature length film adaptation of the final installment of V/H/S 2, the last thing I would probably say is “that sounds great!”

I can admit when I’m wrong.

Quick Plot: A family of five embarks upon an unassuming camping trip through rural North Carolina, an area apparently known for its mysterious Brown Mountain Lights phenomenon that some have suspected may be caused by something not of this world. When they take a wrong turn and come upon a pileup of abandoned vehicles, they realize that they just may have stumbled on some extraterrestrial hunting grounds.

Let's start by acknowledging that Alien Abduction makes one of the best decisions I've ever seen in justifying its found footage approach. Riley, the youngest child, is autistic and, as his sister explains to the first stranger they meet, relies on seeing things through his video camera. It's a brilliant choice that pre-answers the question we always ask in this genre.

Thankfully, that isn't the only good trick up director Matty Beckerman's sleeve. Initially, I was far from pleased to have a bland, somewhat bickering all-American family of unimpressive people as my leads, but the film manages to deepen most of them simply by how they react to the jarring experience of, well, running away from aliens. Oldest son Corey doesn't necessarily register in the film's first half as anyone of interest, but once he loses an important member of his family, his reaction to it is sad, admirable, and believable. 

Similarly, the introduction of an off-the-grid mountain man named Shawn first reads as a typical foray into modern horror's impressions of redneck America at its most obvious. Thankfully, that's not the case. Shawn may live in a cabin in the woods and carry a shotgun, but he quickly shows he's far smarter than the immediate impression given off by his accent and trucker hat. 

In barely 85 minutes, Beckerman managed to do quite a bit. Perhaps most importantly, Alien Abduction packs a few actual scares. The design of the creatures, filled with odd clicks and buzzes, isn’t the most revolutionary, but it’s effective and eerie. The filming style feels real and not TOO nausea-inducing, and the complete lack of information or explanation about what these things are or want adds to the terror our characters have of not knowing what to do. It’s exactly what a low budget found footage horror movie should be. 

High Points

As noted above, there are a lot of things that work about Alien Abduction, but I think what really sells the bulk of it is how the film realizes that lack of explanation is a scary, scary thing

Low Points

I've said it before and I will say IT LOUDER SO THE PEOPLE IN THE BACK CAN HEAR ME: DO NOT EVER INCLUDE A CLOSEUP OF A CATERPILLAR IN YOUR MOVIE.  

Lessons Learned

If the 2016 presidential election hadn’t already established this, I’ll just go ahead and say it: North Carolina may be the beginning of the end

Rent/Bury/Buy

My expectations were on the low end for Alien Abduction, so it’s certainly possible that I was just thrilled to get more than I anticipated. But hey, that doesn’t mean I didn’t genuinely enjoy this. The film is streaming on Netflix and should effectively scratch any alien/horror/found footage itch you might need a solution for. 

There’s a Lightning Bug in the Doll’s House and It’s Making Me SQUIRM!

Actually, it’s making me happy as a ladybug on uppers that I got to watch Jeff Lieberman’s notorious 1976 classic, Squirm. I’m just guilty of a good headline. Hopefully, that’s just about all I share with the NY Post.

And thusly do I present a new, hopefully monthly segment here wherein everybody’s favorite South Carolinian blogging superstar T.L. Bugg (of The Lightning Bug's Lair fame) orders me to watch a film of his choosing. My only defense is to retaliate with a pick of my own. For our flagship movie club, I chose the 1989 Belgian John Waters (and Emily Intravia) favorite Baxter, a film I reviewed here ages ago and have strived to recommend to the rest of the world. Mr. Bugg’s review should be up today, so head over to catch his thoughts.  

Oh yeah. And he chose Squirm.

Quick Plot: Some TCMish text tells us that something mysterious happened one night in the small Georgia hamlet of Fly Creek. Following an angry thunderstorm, a few downed power lines are, unbeknownst to the incredibly folksy townspeople, sending thousands of volts underground to piss off an overwhelming population of pink Glycera worms who conveniently enough for a horror movie, have the voices of rabid elephants.

But let’s save that for the second hour of the film as the first is primarily devoted to pretty redhead Geri and her visiting big city nerd beau Mick. The would-be lovebirds have an exciting day planned filled with antiquing and fishing with a third wheel village idiot Roger, but a series of unfortunate events cause a few kinks. First, Mick earns the small town ire of the womanizing Sheriff when he discovers a worm in his aik reem (egg cream to us city folk). Rather than accept some added protein with his Brooklyn delight, Mick insults the big-haired waitress/prospective target of police sexual harassment and later reangers the man of the law by reporting a skeleton buried half-heartedly in Geri’s friend’s yard.

Clearly, something is amiss in Fly Creek but this being a ‘70s creature feature, nobody can be expected to act rationally in saving the doomed town. Perhaps it’s due to his helmet hairstyle, but Mick takes it upon himself to harness his inner Scooby Doo and crack the case, enlisting Geri to ‘distract’ suspect Roger, while he compares dental records pre-CSI style to identify the skeletal corpse (it helps that actor Don Scardino bares a slight resemblance to what I imagine Michael C. Hall’s awkward little brother must look like). 

Eventually--and it all does take a surprisingly long amount of time, proving that even in horror, Southerners are just dang slow--the super-race of angry earthworms emerge en masse to ooze through small openings and cause supporting characters to feel very icky.

Squirm is a pretty infamous film that holds the special title of being the penultimate feature presentation for MST3K. On one hand, the goofiness of Lieberman’s low budget yarn makes for ample riffing yet at the same time, it seems a little more aware of itself than truly misguided messes like City Limits or Manos: The Hands of Fate. You’d expect as much from the director smart quirky fare like Blue Sunshine. 

Unless you have a phobia of worms, Squirm is never really scary to adult sensibilities (though were the hairless pinkies replaced by fuzzy caterpillars, I’d still be trembling). Closeups of worm mouths are just kind of cute, while the mass globs of pink squiggles feel more like another brick on the wall in Pink Floyd’s “We Don’t Need No Education” than anything that can actually hurt you. But despite the general limitations of his premise, Lieberman manages to construct an energetically enjoyable and truly memorable little genre film that holds up for a solidly fun 90 minutes of watching.

HIgh Points

Most of the more obvious comic aspects play out quite well, especially the trying-too-hard-in-wedge-heels physicality of Fran Higgins as annoyingly lovable lil sis Alma

Though it never really fits with the lighter tone of the actual film, Squirm’s opening theme song has a weirdly haunting effect

Low Points

On the other hand, the closing credits take their bow to an odd mush of love ballad cheese. At what point was I watching Ice Castles?

Much like The Descent 2, Squirm proves that there’s plenty of ambient lighting to be found without the help of candles, flashlights, lamps, or moon

Lessons Learned

Southerners look down on overpackers

Resist the urge to mock the hot-headed town sheriff until after he walks far enough out of earshot

Italian restaurants are not the best setting to bring up the topic of killer worms tormenting your town

Winning Line

“I’m not a tourist. I’m a Libra.”

Damn I wish I was alive to be hit on in the ‘70s

Rent/Bury/Buy

I’ve said this about everything from Bugsy Malone to Spider Baby , but Squirm is another one of those films I wish I had on VHS as an enthusiastic 8 year old. There’s a joyful sense of innocence mixed with the tenants of ‘80s trash--actually, no. My instinctive followup to ‘70s’ is ‘trash’ but like the self-proclaimed antique dealers that populate Fly Creek, Squirm is better described as junk, probably fitting in mood to what sits between Oscar the Grouch and his can. 

For those readers still attempting to translate my analogies, I’ll explain in more universal terms: Squirm is good clean (if you don’t mind worm guts) fun. The DVD includes what I’ve been told is a highly enjoyable director commentary that may warrant a discount bin price tag. 


Thanks to the one and only Lightning Bugg (not worm), for the recommend, and remember to hit up his lair   for some nihilistic canine action later today!

Mighty Mollusks For Minor Thrills

Ah, the 50s. A time for poodle skirts, rock 'n' roll, Cold War paranoia, and creature feature marathons watched in hot rod cars at the local drive-in. At least, that’s the understanding I have based on what I learned from Grease and the entire canon of MST3K. This decade had plenty of lows (high heeled housewives and McCarthyism come to mind) but one can't deny the rich legacy of giant killer insects spawned by a people living in fear of Russia and radioactivity. Some succeed at providing timeless scares (Them!) while others are so laughable on their own, Tom Servo & Co. don't know where to begin. The Monster That Challenged the World falls somewhere between.  

While the title is a tad clunky (‘challenge’ calls to mind a staring contest or game of ping pong) the story is typical of its time. Divers are vanishing in the Salton Sea, leaving nothing behind but a sticky white substance and the occasional dry victim who died of fright. All the cliches are in order: lab sample analysis, rebellious (if weirdly sullen) teenagers, blandly heroic leading men and pretty but helpless widowed secretaries.

That leaves the creature which--let’s face it--is the main draw of any black & white monster mash. On that front, The Monster That Challenged The World scores some nice points. What’s meant to be a mammoth prehistoric mollusk looks closer to a fuzz-less caterpillar that decapitates like a demon and screams like Chewbacca. Also, it’s not alone. An earthquake has moved a few eggs, one of which, in true film fashion, is kept alive in an unlocked lab tank. No harm there. It’s not like a five year old is going to saunter in alone and operate heavy machinery that could help to awaken the behemoth sleeping inside. Oh wait.

High Points
Several quirky minor characters (including a mama’s girl operator and the town’s bitter historian) lend an extra touch of entertainment and intrigue


The monster's first underwater decapitation is fairy graphic for 1957


Low Points
...but the blood-drained corpses do look less like tortured victims and more like window mannequins from J.C. Penney's


A scene that gets ridiculously serious in introducing a mother-daughter clash couldn’t possibly be followed by the young woman dying, could it?


Lessons Learned
Do not trust a police commander with your beloved pet

Men named Morty are never good for you


Only two things cause strokes: violent anger and fear

Never accept a sandwich if packaged and stored by a mortician


Winning Line
“Did you mention that you were available?”
That’s the first thing I tell the irritable policeman who’s just walked through the door and impatiently argued with my boss


Rent/Bury/Buy
Your enjoyment of this movie is purely based on your opinion of 1950s creature features. If watching an eight food tall worm hiss above a little girl as her leading lady mother bravely cries “Don’t worry, someone will come and save us!” is appealing, then add The Monster That Challenged the World to your collection. The DVD comes with a second film, the much better titled It! The Terror From Beyond Space (although I’ve been too Netflix-happy to keep a DVD for longer than a day and didn’t watch it), so there’s certainly a bargain to be had. One viewing was enough for me; the campiness is a little too low for my bad taste and the creepy caterpillarness probably won’t keep me out of the ocean this summer.