Would You Like To Hear More?

OF COURSE YOU WOULD!

There's really never not a good time to talk about Starship Troopers, Paul Verhoeven's masterpiece of satire, action, and vaginal faced brain bugs sucking Patrick Muldoon's innards out of his soap star dreamface.

I bring up the fourth best film of all time (although all-time best use of ex-90210 cast members) not just because it's Friday, but more because you can hear me discuss it with From the Depth's of DVD Hell's great Elwood Jones over at the debut episode of his podcast Mad, Bad, and Downright Strange.  

And that's not all!

My husband and I took a break from watching Jeopardy! and Murder, She Wrote to record a special guest episode of Married With Clickers, one of my favorite film podcasts out on the interwaves. The topic? 

Only one of the most underrated horror comedies of all time. You can head here to hear the episode. While you're there, be sure to check out the other great offerings of horror reviews for the month. 

Hold on tight! One more...

If you haven't been listening to my regular podcast, The Feminine Critique, then our last episode might bring you back in the fold. My partner in crime Christine and I tackled Mike Flanagan's recent WWE produced (???, seriously) hit Oculus. It's a much stronger and deeper film than its marketing may have suggested. We have lots to say on the matter. 

And now, because I love you, I shall exit with a Clancy Brown slideshow:

Yup. That settles everything.

Big Things!

As Hurricane Sandy sings her way through New York, I bid you all a safe and spooky All Hallow's Eve's Eve with a nudge towards another blog tearing up the season in gargantuan style. You all know and love T.L. Bugg, he the keeper and swatter of The Lightning Bug's Lair. This October, he's been posting up a storm (or tropical cyclone, however the weather people now choose to classify it) with daily posts on gigantic monsters.

Though such a focus seems to violate my belief that smaller things are scary (see February's annual Attack of the Shorties), I fully endorse the Bugg's seasonal posts, in part because he let me share a few of my own virtually gifted picks. Head on yonder for mack trucks, white worms, underrated sequels, and face punch-ins (because giants are generally really good at it). 

Plus, you get the Bugg's take on one of monster cinema's proudest moments, THEM! 

What more do you want? The power back on? Puh-leaze.

Unless you need it to read our posts. Then I guess you're entitled to that dream.

Raid!

I don’t really support the practice of mail order brides, but perhaps I’m a hypocrite because here’s the thing: when I hear the words “Big Bug Movie,” my first reaction is, plain and simple, marry me.

Ponder that while I get rolling with today’s feature, Kyle Rankin’s 2009 bugapalooza, Infestation.

Quick Plot: A slacker named Cooper (Chris Marquette) is about to be fired from his tedious telemarketing job selling organic Viagra. Just when he thinks his day couldn’t get any worse, a loud dog whistle sounds, putting the population to sleep until they wake up a few days later wrapped in Halloween spider webbing--er, mysterious cocoons. After a little pukage and disorientation, Cooper catches sight of some hostile bugs of the crawling and flying sort. 

After waking up an assorted selection of fodder--er, survivors, Cooper & Co. do as you do during a Mist-y apocalypse. Hide out and hit on the cute doctor. Take up smoking. Board up a bank. Amass goo samples and count on the plucky masseuse to analyze protein content. Leave on a journey to a maybe-bomb shelter, the usual.

Infestation is cinema’s equivalent of a cupcake. Small, not so incredible that you’ll never forget it, but an overall more-than-pleasant experience that puts a smile on your face with each bite. The film was clearly made from a place of affection, with a light spirit that lets its characters be genuinely likable without cloying. The violence has a certain Eight Legged Freaks sense about it with a better mixture of blatant (but still above SyFy quality) CGI and some gooey practical effects. Added to that are some fabulous monster designs, including a new twist on arachnids that looks better than anything that slogged through sludgy 3D in the Clash of the Titans remake.

You might say I heartily enjoyed Infestation. 

High Points

While most of the kills have a certain cartoon sense about them, one shotgun blast comes as quite a surprise, with dark undertones that are quickly passed by for the logic of the situation. I’m not explaining it well for fear of spoiling, but perhaps you’ll know it when you see it and you’ll say “Oh yeah, totally.” These are the moments in life I live for

Ray Wise is slowly joining the club of actors who make me happy in supporting roles. As a strict militaristic widowed dad with a softness for shitzus, his brief stop in the film adds a nice touch

Low Points

Perhaps it’s simply because I enjoyed the movie so much that I’m left wondering, “where’d the bugs come from? what’s the government doing?” and more questions such as these.

Lessons Learned

Massage therapists are a CSI show just waiting to happen

Real survivalists pack extra double AAs

Gigantic aphids don’t enjoy being kept in captivity for fluid samples. Fancy that!

Rent/Bury/Buy

While it’s no Starship Troopers, Infestation was a true joy that passed my Saturday afternoon with a genuine smile. The DVD includes a commentary track (which I can’t speak for as time didn’t allow me to listen) and I can see this holding up for casual clean-the-kitchen rewatches to warrant a bargain buy. Let’s hope that it is indeed slated for a sequel (the ending is a tease for it) because it’s certainly a universe of characters, monsters, and style that deserves to be revisited. 

Brain Bugs! Strippers! Cheetahs! Ninjas! & Muppets!

It is my belief that the world can never have enough conversations about the cinematic canon of Paul Verhoeven. Yes, I’m constantly saddened by the decreasing popularity of drive-in movie theaters, library cards, English grammar, and international peace, but really, all those problems would be solved if people just spent more time watching and talking about Verhoeven movies.

But where, you cry, can I find such audio treasures? Well, this neat little trend known as the Internet is proving itself to be quite the resource, as this week, I bring you not just one but two free podcasts covering some of the funnest films of all time.

First up is Girls On Film Radio, a biweekly(ish) roundtable where myself and a few ladies headed by Rach of RachOnFIlm(.blogspot.com) engage in meaty film discussion about nothing less than the best bug squishing cinema of all time, Starship Troopers. Also, we cover the Shaw Brothers’ 5 Element Ninjas (aka Chinese Super Ninjas) which somehow leads me to quote The Muppets Take Manhattan. There’s also talk about the horrors of bra shopping, proving that we’re the most well-rounded assortment of females you’re likely to find watching action cinema.

Meanwhile, those looking for more audio boob talk can head to Chinstroker vs. Punter, a 100 plus episode and running film podcast hosted by two lovely British chaps, Mike and Paul. For their 110th episode, they put aside the pains of a Revolutionary defeat to host my presence on a Showgirls extravaganza, Ver-sase and denim fringe prominently displayed. It’s a great conversation with two fantastic pod presences and once again, it somehow leads me to cite Kermit’s New York City adventures.

Don't ask. Just listen.

Doomed to Watch Doom

I don’t know why I expect video game-based films to be fun. I don’t even find video games themselves to be that enjoyable (though my nostalgic affection remains firmly in place for Street Fighter 2 and Zombies Ate My Neighbors). When you beat them, there’s the inevitable disappointment, a sort of “that’s it?” 30-second epilogue to reward hours of carpel tunnel syndrome-in-training fingers.

So fine. I am indeed bitter over the finale to Super Mario Bros. 2’s end on first generation Nintendo, when even if you spent an entire weekend playing as Princess Daisy, you beat the big boss only to discover the entire storyline was just a nighttime dream for a snoring Mario. 

Not cool childhood.

But anyway, Doom, a film I lazily used as background for the bimonthly cleaning of the actual Doll’s House, is no Super Mario Bros. That’s a good thing. But that doesn’t necessarily mean that Doom is, you know...a good thing.

Quick Plot: In the year 2046, scientists are playing with genes in space, which inevitably leads to super human monsters that leap around while coated in early CGI flubber. A military recon group led by a surprisingly dour Duane Johnson attempts to hunt down the infected remains of a research group on a high tech spaceship with lots of doors and disappearing/reappearing walls. And that is that.

In full honesty, I didn’t pay a lot of attention to Doom, so everything in this review should be taken with a few spoonfuls of salt substitute. Then again, if there’s one thing Doom needs, it’s more flavor, so heap it on. 

As expressed in this corner of the blogoworld nearly every other week, Starship Troopers and Total Recall are kind of the best films ever made. Space + guns + R-rating x cheesy dialog never doesn’t equal magic, so there was really no reason for why I shouldn’t have enjoyed Doom. 

But I didn’t. Perhaps it was the forced POV shots crammed in to please game fans. Perhaps, at one hour and forty five minutes, it was a half hour longer than a movie based on a video game I’ve never played had any right to be. Whatever the reason, I couldn’t quite find anything exciting to keep my eyes onscreen. 

It was a movie. I watched it. Ask me details next Thursday and I’ll probably forget that fact.

High Points

Having the main protagonists be estranged twins gave film a somewhat interesting character dynamic to play off of. Not much happened with it, but hey. It was there.

The Rock is still a little too affable to pull off playing a major villain, but I do appreciate his character’s surprising jerkitude

Low Points

Bombastically electric music and lots of character shouting at each other is a great way to 1) prevent your audience from having any idea what’s happening in tense action scenes and 2) give them migraines

Lessons Learned

If you’re a scientist in a dangerous situation, always be pretty so that marines will do favors for you

In addition to transporting your body into a superfly, teleportation presents other serious dangers, such as sucking up your lower half and rendering you butt-less for your remaining days

Rent/Bury/Buy

Video game cinema fans could do worse than giving Doom a casual try. The film provides what you’d expect and absolutely nothing more. If Alien was Jaws in space, then Doom is Deep Blue Sea in space, but just not in any way awesome. Make of that what you will and, in the words of The Rock, semper fi mother fucker. 

Really hope I find the real-life opportunity to say that. Preferably while holding a “Big. Fucking. Gun.” I found floating in a high-tech room.

Space: The Jan Brady of Earth Day

Oh Earth Day huh? Guess what-I LIVE on the earth. Every day.

What about Mars? Jupiter? Naboo? Or those shiny high-tech ships floating in between? 

In honor of all those masses of matter not acknowledged by 24 hours in spring, I give you a few choice options for genre films not bound to the third planet from the...

Sunshine

Danny Boyle’s true masterpiece, a polarizing mashup of 2001 and Halloween, is a visual vacation that poses rich questions about science, faith, morality, and just how powerful a fantastic musical score can be. Straight sci-fi fans typically rip on the Event Horizon-ish final act, but it’s a natural extension of the sun-as-false-god themes that begin the opening scene. Then again, since the main plot surrounds saving a certain water-based planet, perhaps this film doesn’t belong on the list at all.

Starship Troopers

There aren't really enough words in the English language that properly express the joy that can be found in Paul Verhoeven's original 1997 satirical sci-fi thriller, so it's fitting that most of the film takes place in another galaxy (where I'm sure another mother tongue can add to the vocabulary). Based on this series (originally envisioned by controversial-lite Robert Heinlein) of great gore, 90210esque romance, and cutting satire, Earth may be a far prettier planet than what’s found in the outer ring, but it’s also filled with fascism, genocidal militarism, and Denise Richards. I’ll take the bug planet.

Jason X

Fans of the franchise are deeply divided over the tenth outing of Mr. Voorhess, set 450 years in the future and filmed on the cheap in Canada (not quite as exotic as space, but with better pancakes). Personally, I can't get enough of a face-dunk into liquid nitrogen, a David Cronenberg cameo, tight-in-all-the-wrong-places space uniforms (for the ladies only, natch) and the general spirit of low rent cheese dripping off every bargain priced reel. 

Alien(s)

The grandfather (well, more appropriately, grandmother) of modern sci-fi horror, the first two films from this franchise make a fine case for moving off-planet, if only to experience better movies.

Event Horizon

This surprisingly atmospheric debut of Paul “Not Thomas” Anderson, Event Horizon mixed the cold space castaway mood of Alien with a good old fashioned Nightmare on Elm Street dreamy slasher batter. Infamously edited by a baffled studio, Event Horizon has survived twelve years as a mini-fan favorite, a bloody sci-fi that plays with wormholes, hell, and gravity. Memorable moments include Jack Noseworthy’s nose worthy nosebleed and glimpses of carnal orgies not quite touched upon in Apollo 13. Ever wonder why you didn’t get that Oscar, Ron Howard?

Moon

Much like Sunshine, Duncan Bowie’s 2009 film doesn’t really have a home base in any strict genre. As a scientific premise mixed with horrific possibilities and striking moral drama, Moon tells the tale of an astronaut (played insanely well by Sam Rockwell) living alone 239,592 miles from earth (who needs it). To say more borders on immediate spoiler territory, but for lunar cinema that disturbs on an intelligent (and very human) level, head to the Moon. 

Leprechaun 4: In Space

Somewhat inevitable and sadly disappointing, this fourth entry into the Leprechaun saga never quite finds its inner chest burster. Still, you can’t go totally wrong with the spirit of Warwick Davis being transferred through urine and er, other bodily fluids, especially when light sabers are involved. 

De-Filed!

April 16th is a day most celebrated by CPAs relieved to end the hellish tax season, but for those off-the-books employees, it's just another 24 hours of cash payments without government interference. Of course, under the table occupations come with their own drawbacks in addition to the benefits--not legal, of course--that one should always consider before biting a thumb at Uncle Sam.

But gee, how can I possibly know which unofficial careers are hazardous? Considering this is a column devoted to horror movies, do you really have to ask?

Graverobbing

As Seen In: I Sell the Dead, Repo! The Genetic Opera

Perks: Depending on the climate, the joy of working outdoors; coworkers won’t annoy you with personal calls or gum snapping

Cons: The smell of rotting flesh; the occasional zombie uprising; vicious wars with Irish street gangs; likely STDs contracted from client Paris Hilton

Babysitting

As Seen In: Halloween, House of the Devil, When a Stranger Calls, The Pit

Perks: Free reign on a stranger’s kitchen; access to cable TV; that feeling of power you can relish in dangling early bedtime over weaker beings

Cons: Becoming the target of a super efficient slasher, dealing with bratty, occasionally dirty-minded rugrats with Svengali-esque teddy bears

Handyman

As Seen In: The Beyond, The Bad Seed, The Hand That Rocks the Cradle

Perks: There’s always a new task to tackle

Cons: Dealing with shoddy non-OSHA certified ladders can easily cause fatal falls over the gates of hell; Competition with other househelp can lead to legal woes; Disagreements with employers’ children never ends in your favor

Artist

As Seen In: Spiral, Fear of Clowns, The Driller Killer, The Collector (1965)

Perks: Get beautiful women to stare at you seductively in progressively less clothing each week; Host gallery openings where you can meet wealthy single men

Cons: Being stalked by topless clowns; Being kidnapped by creepy Terrence Stamp; Feeling mooched off of by your bisexual girlfriend

Prostitution

As Seen In: Peeping Tom, American Psycho, Saw II/IV,

Perks: Great for those that prefer nighttime hours; Occasional wealthy clients can yield a decent payday

Cons: The whole having-sex-with-maniacs thing doesn't always prove worth the stitches and chainsaw-caused concussions; Being locked inside dank real estate filled with poisonous gas and six other ex-cons

Thievery

As Seen In: The People Under the Stairs, Psycho

Perks: Enjoying money and pretty things that aren’t yours

Cons: Guard dogs; Twitchiness; Karma

Camp Chef

As Seen In: Sleepaway Camp

Perks: All the oatmeal you can sneak; In a world pre-Megan’s Law, it seems possible to get hired despite a clear sense of ill intentions towards kids

Cons: Nobody misses you (or your cooking) when you end up boiling in your own pot

Slavery

As Seen In: Candyman, Underworld, Broken

Perks: Zero stress wondering what to do with your time

Cons: Angry mobs; Chains can chafe 

I don't know about the rest of you, but I think I'll stick with clocking in my hours. Sure, even the most straight-laced employers can be agents of the devil, but at least they'll lead a paper trail into hell where, if you're lucky, a union rep just might bail you out.