I Know Who Spammed Me

A few weeks back, my email spammed a whole lot of people: friends, family, former employers, offices I had once applied to work in, renters on Craig's List, etc. While there may indeed be some people on that list welcoming a message about where to find top quality Viagra, I personally felt as though someone had stolen a piece of my identity, crawling around my inbox and mailing those who knew me with a poorly worded advertisement for something I’m not selling.

In modern banking terms, identity theft in a crime and nowhere is this more evident, frightening, or plain gross than horror cinema. Examine:

Possession

It's one thing to find someone else has been using your credit card, but feeling your body host an entirely different (usually evil) entity seems to violate just about every tenant of natural law. Pity The Exorcist's Regan, a mere teenager taken hostage by the cruel, kinky, and weak stomached demon Pazuzu. Similarly, entire towns seem to face a similar short term squatter menace in Wes Craven's Shocker, the Denzel Washington ripoff (face it) Fallen, and the weirdly experimental ninth installment of Friday the 13th. 

Complicated Disease

It’s not MY fault! The werewolf that bit me made me tear off my clothing and attack local loiterers! It’s an excuse used by a very unfortunate constituent of the lycanthropic population and really, how can you not sympathize with young Ginger Snaps, the confused Wolfman, and very tormented David in An American Werewolf In London? Yes, they all get to indulge their inner animal with a frolic in the nude, but as anybody who recognizes the name Rick Baker knows, those transformations just can’t be a scratch on the belly.

Bait & Switch

Perhaps the most physically complex and real estate-demanding identity theft can be seen in the four films (and assumedly counting) sci-fi series Invasion of the Body Snatchers, wherein imperialistic aliens harvest human-sized pods to grow replacement people that can continue your existence in monotone conformity. Those suffering from high blood pressure may see some benefits, but losing that emotion and individual spark means surrendering that quality that makes us human, for better and worse. Then again, the 2007 remake (shortened to The Invasion to best not confuse modern moviegoers) starred a plastic-faced Nicole Kidman as the feeling man’s last hope. So maybe the ability to show emotion doesn’t have so much weight after all.

Replacement Parts

And that leads us to another form of alternate you-ness that puts a whole lot of pressure on Ms. Kidman, the pop culture landmark The Stepford Wives. Based on the novel by Ira Levin, this satirical thriller of sexual politics in suburbia was made into one great film and another that challenges the English language to find words base enough to reflect a proper insult. The tale of Stepford is arguably the wrongest of all of these identity crimes because not only does it involve (spoilers) the murder/genocide of thinking women; it also means that after said strong women are dead, their names, faces, and bodies continue to be used in chauvinistic ways that would have made their living counterparts burn their bras in horror. 

Baby Swap ‘n Such

Due to the mysteries of human life and black and white limitations of ultrasounds, no woman can ever really know what’s brewing inside her uterus. Still, a consenting soon-to-be-mom generally assumes one guarantee: the child is a product of her and an identifiable male partner. Like any rule, there are always exceptions and one needs to look no further than the Rosemary’s Baby‘s Upper West Side, where poor Mia Farrow learns too late that her drunken night of lovemaking wasn’t exactly with the man in her wedding photo. A similar discovery befalls the illustrious Thorn family in 1976’s The Omen, when U.S. ambassador Gregory Peck trades his stillborn son for what he’s told is another innocent newborn. The next five years are then devoted to raising the antichrist. Hey, not everybody’s kid can be an honor student, but sometimes, it’s good to know what’s growing inside your home.

Species Conversion

As someone with a history of self-identifying as a morning person, I can’t imagine anything more horrifying than the biological constraints of vampirisim (well, maybe carrying Satan’s fetus but there are prenatal drugs for that). Aside from completely rearranging my natural schedule, the whole “loss of soul” thing is a viable reason to Just Say No to that handsome midnight caller with an unnatural ivory skin tone. One could make the same argument for zombiism, the disease to which no man or woman is immune. Looking past the obvious fear of being eaten, it’s the blankening of identity that makes this the horror genre’s favorite go-to monster. The idea that your mother could become your murderer is scary; that you would have no restraint at responding by hunting your own child is truly disturbing.

Recasted Sequels

In most cases, it’s the actor’s choice whether or not to reprise his or her role in a (usually) successful film’s followup, so it’s hard to ever feel sorry or concerned for the departing star. Still, it’s sometimes a lot to ask audiences to suddenly shift all sympathy to a replacement actor. Patricia Arquette’s Kristen backflipped her way through A Nightmare on Elm Street 3 only to morph into The Dream Master’s Tuesday Knight, a chain smoker who would probably cough up a lung before reaching the squatting position. Julianne Moore had the thankless task of inhabiting a newly redheaded Clarice Starling following Oscar winner Jodie Foster’s decline in Hannibal, and while Moore makes a believable FBI agent, it’s a jarringly confident makeover for our West Virginian brunette.

So how comfortable are you now in your own skin, and if given the choice, is it that bad to bid it adieu?

Vagrinders

Were I still in college, I imagine I’d write what would seem to be a Really Important Research Paper on the thematic depths of Teeth. True feminist horror! A woman scorning before she can be scorned! The perfect slumber party feature! Fun for the whole blended family!

At the crochety age of 28, Teeth is probably *slightly* less mind blowing and charming than it would have been were I younger or less versed in self-aware cinema. Still, this 2007 film is absolutely good-humored, refreshingly smart, and giddily disgusting.

Quick Plot: “I’ll show you mine, you show me yours” ends as I imagine may often be the case, in a little prick o’ blood (my punning is Crypt Keepertastic!). The bloody index finger belongs to a bratty young Brad, a hellion of sorts who grows up harnessing an icky crush on his kid stepsister Dawn (Jess Weixler).

Flashing forward 15 years, Dawn now spends some afternoons giving perky pep talks to a promise ring-wearing club of creepily young children, all vowing together to save their most special gift (psst: the one between their legs) for marriage. Fresh-faced with a constant smile, Dawn makes Marcia Brady look like a harlot but things begin to change when she meets puppy eyed born again virgin Tobey.

Apparently, G-rated dating is really difficult (possibly because activities are restricted to G-rated movies involving talking animals) and before long, Tobey is on top of the protesting Dawn, their plastic chastity rings entwined in pain.

Two very different types of pain, as we soon learn. As Dawn resists, Tobey lets out a Fay Wrayish scream. Turns out Dawn has more than well-toned Kegel muscles in her special place, and this unseen force is sharp, hungry, and very in tune with women’s rights.

Although anyone who’s read a word about Mitchell Lichtenstein’s Teeth knows its premise, the film takes a surprising amount of time to reveal what’s underneath Dawn’s always zipped jeans. While parts of the buildup feel a little slow, this works well to develop Dawn as a young woman more complicated than the squeaky clean caricature she’s in danger of being.  Her gift/curse is all the more interesting in light of her frustrated sexuality, something actress Jess Weixler brings out with a fantastic balance of humor and weight.

If Teeth has a biting issue (get it? pun), it’s the not-entirely-taut second act details. There’s one possibly dead body floating around an eden-like forest and a dying mother whose presence is shaking up an already fragile family dynamic, but it’s a little hard to fully latch onto Dawn’s dilemma when we’re not sure precisely what direction it’s meant to head.

That being said, it’s easy to like Teeth and on an eventual second viewing, even adore. Both men and women will occasionally be crossing their legs with the same speed sparked by certain scenes in Antichrist.  This time, however, we can do with with a smile. 

And nervous chuckle.

High Points

I didn’t realize how much I was enjoying Teeth until, oddly enough, I reached the gynecologist scene, which is pitch perfect in both humor and horror. The way it begins in  a comfortable and kind place before slowly slipping into Hand That Rocks the Cradle territory is staged with such a careful touch that makes the audience relax, squirm, then cheer

Lead Weixler is in just about every scene and she does a damn fine job of balancing cavity inducing sweetness with a surprisingly grounded sense of growing up

Low Points

While I thoroughly enjoyed the development of Dawn’s character, a lot of viewers may be less thrilled with a nearly 45 minute first act more in line with Saved! than Saw

Lessons Learned

There’s way too much petting in PG13 rated films

In case of virgin seduction, always keep an economy sized pack of votive candles on hand

Be honest with your gynecologist. Really honest.

Rent/Bury/Buy

This is the kind of modern dark comedy that makes genre fans smile from beginning to end. At times, its tongue-in-cheek humor feels a tad too cute, but three severed penises, a solid and appealing star, and a snappy script make Teeth a film well worth checking out. Fans of Ginger Snaps will see perfect double feature potential, a sort of sexual empowerment of teenage girldom with more genital blood (a different KIND, of course). Currently on Instant Watch, the DVD is quite extra heavy, with a featurette, deleted scenes, and director commentary, all making a purchase more than endorsed by me.