Arachna-Zombia

You may notice that I have never really said an awful word about Twilight, a series I’m sure to despise. Part of is that I give minor endorsement to any piece of writing that gets young people reading. More importantly, I’ve never actually watched one of the films. One day I will, preferably with a friend and refrigerator full of beer. I already anticipate taking sips every time the pretty dude storms off, based on this excellent mashup of of Twilight and Buffy. I imagine being very drunk.

This brings me to 2006’s Day of the Dead, a film I’d avoided discussing with the same amount of persistance as that I’d used to avoid actually seeing. With Instant Watch burning and my mind needing some numbing following the density of Antichrist , the time had come.

Quick Plot: A small, often referred to as ‘shithole’ town in Colorado gets hit by a zombie virus and the army fails to maintain order. That’s enough, right?

See, after I watched this movie, I fell asleep and had an epically detailed dream about a fast-paced zombie invasion. Strange thing was, I woke up being able to fully recap every plot turn as I and some unknown REM extras dodged the leaping undead through rainy streets, empty schools, and strangely abandoned mansions with secret passageways at every turn. It was genuinely exciting.

And not written by screenwriter Jeffrey Riddick. 

Day of the Dead received some pretty intense hatred, particularly from diehard fans of Romero’s 1988 original. While I have some serious issues with what I believe is Romero’s weakest in the series (how much shouting can one audience member sit through before we start to root for Captain Rhodes?), I can also admit that as a remake, this 2008 version is kind of ridiculous and somewhat indicative of what so many genre fans hate about the trend. Tom Savini hit a career high with the flaky rotting corpses shambling around in ’88 while the true ‘horror’ of the film’s theme lied more in how humans reacted than the carnivorous monsters themselves. In this version, there’s no time for anything but PCP high CGI animated hurdle jumpers chomping their way through hohum characters we don’t even hate enough to want dead.

Well, there is Nick Cannon, giving one of the worst performances this side of straight-to-DVD hell. Not to mention the new version of Dr. ‘Frankentsein’ Logan, now played as a Grey’s Anatomy reject with bland smarm. Mena Suvari’s laughable army corporal makes Linda Cardellini look like Meryl Streep, but she points her face in the right direction for what I assume was a 90% green screen shot filming process so for that she can have a cupcake. 

As hard as I’m being on Day of the Dead, I didn’t hate it nearly as much as I expected to. Don’t get me wrong: it’s bad. We’re talking cliched to the extreme, the kind of film that features the roomiest heating vents since Demonic Toys and a zooming-in-on-the-virus shot that looks worse than the 3D ride into hell in the sixth Nightmare On Elm St. The zombies do everything from crawl up walls to leap out of fifth floor windows without so much as a twisted ankle, something sure to miff most moviegoers who know a thing or two about biology. Much like the far more enjoyable Dawn of the Dead remake, all the thrills are made in the name of quick adrenaline rushes that go away as soon as they pass. 

Also, much like the far more enjoyable Dawn of the Dead remake, Ving Rhames receives a paycheck.

High Points

In no way was I sold on Suvari’s military cred, but I appreciate the attempt to make a female a worthy leader. Annalyne McCord’s surprisingly aggressive (and not surprisingly annoying) girlfriend also brings a nice change from the typical screaming teenager by actually taking initiative when it comes to defense.

Low Points

I have no problem with filmmakers reinventing the undead, but can they at least do so by providing the zombies with some center of gravity? I don’t know if I was watching acrobats or arachnids, but they certainly weren’t in any way once human beings.

If I allowed one of my cats to play with my Macbook, I’m fairly certain that either Joplin or Mookie--neither of whom is in any way an intelligent feline--would create better looking CGI effects than what was shown onscreen in this movie

Lessons Learned

Female corporals look ever so adorable with earrings

White people always want to split up

Fat men fall down a lot

If and when the zompacalypse hits, head to the nearest vegetarian restaurant. Even if it’s already invaded, you’ll be safe.

Your girlfriend may be slightly offended if you offer her money in exchange for sex

Mysterious Zen Question 

If zombies can and do occasionally eat their own body parts, how can they still exist in one piece?

Rent/Bury/Buy

As far as Instant Watch zombie flicks go, you could, it pains me to say, do far worse. I’m not really recommending this film, but if you’re in the mood for a modern, empty headed horror, it’s not the worst thing you could do to yourself. Maybe because my expectations were lowered to the extreme and I was only streaming the film, it just didn’t offend me in the same way as something like It’s Alive ’09. The effects are atrocious and the acting dull. Most of the action is obvious and the survivors easier to predict than the Best Supporting Actor category in this Oscar telecast. But eh. It’s there. Watch it once if you’re curious or need a mind nap, or stay away if you want to stay happy and content. Just don’t complain until you give it a chance.

And then complain all you want.

The Zane of My Exiztenze

Children of the 21st century, gather around my flatscreen yule log as we tiptoe back in time to a simpler period of cinema history, when super heroes wore tights and Tales From the Crypt went Hollywood. Only in this era (known by common folk as the mid-90s) could one thick-voiced thespian with a shiny bald head and constant scowl head a major summer release in purple spandex. It saddens me to reminisce, but thinking about the slipping career of the mangod that is Billy Zane gives me one more reason to doubt the order of evolution.

Browsing through the horror catalogue of the NY Public Library, I came upon a recent DVD starring le Zane (oooh, that’s good) and Stephen Baldwin (oooh, that’s bad), featuring crop circles (hmm, that might be good) that "unleash unfathomable terror" upon a “close-knit group” (I’ll stop reading the back of the box now). The description is lacking, but let’s face it: there’s no way I’m turning down a Billy Zane vs. aliens flick, especially in these dark ages where such a vehicle seems so inexplicably hard to find.


If IMDB is to be trusted, Silent Warnings was filmed in under twelve days, so I can't be too hard on it. C'mon. It takes more time to celebrate Kwanza or grease Zane into his Phantom costume. I'll tread lightly on this little Belgium-filmed thriller, which comes close to creating genuine suspense before terribly rendered Nintendo 64 quality CGI chokes up the final act.


Quick Plot: We open with PC Baldwin (post-Christian) given far too much free reign to improvise a one-man survivalist video diary as an unseen menace attacks his farmhouse. It's amazing how badly this former addict plays a man taking a few drinks, but at least he seems to be having a good time firing a shotgun and chatting up an almost Onibaba-esque scarecrow (that movie really did stay with me, eh?). It’s the kind of performance that makes Will Smith’s meet-cute mannequin scene of I Am Legend look Oscar worthy.


Minor Spoiler: Despite being blown up before the title, Baldwin maintains top billing in the credits, possibly to keep his devoted fans watching or more likely to make the rest of us frightened that his hamminess will return (this was in the horror section, after all). Thankfully, the film moves on to introduce a better/saner young cast as they make their way to renovate the late Baldwin’s abandoned home. Boring mini melodramas follow as Shyamalanian crop circles pop up in the surrounding cornfields. Sheriff Billy Zane (seemingly sleeping off a major hangover for most of filming) offers little help but lots of cool as tension builds in and around the house over a week and a half.

Yes, a week and a half. I know this because the movie insists on title cards that tell you the days of the week. This makes sense for a movie like The Shining, where the progression of time is key, but in Silent Warnings, showing us that it’s Wednesday just serves as a reminder that nothing happened on Tuesday and Lost is on tonight.


The young actors work hard, and while their characters are fairly forgettable, the effort is admirable. There’s the mysterious girl who has never seen a cow (but is not an alien), the black guy who makes wise cracks, the jock to add aggression, his psychic girlfriend to get naked, and a blonde suffering from a severely elongated torso that renders every one of her tops to stop about four inches above her waist (or maybe the budget didn't allow for adult sized clothing; it’s unclear). A.J. Buckley has a nice presence as Layne, the thoughtful group leader and cousin to the late Baldwin's wacked out farmer. There's far too much downtime, but I'll give director Christian McIntire credit for creating non-obnoxious young characters who don't make me want to invite Jason Voorhees over for a stereotype scavenger hunt.

Eventually, the monsters are revealed and much like the 2002 twisty extraterrestrial thriller it blatantly rips off, Silent Warnings comes to a rubber burning halt. I enjoyed Signs for its steady build of eerie tension, but all of my uneasiness was laughed away at the full-frame shot of the video game refugee with big eyes. Silent Warnings magnifies the mistake with villainous aliens so fake you can count the pixels. It’s a shame, too. Once Baldwin is gone and the Zane wakes up, you actually start to care about the cast for the final attack to have some depth.


High Points
An excellent soundtrack creates some major intensity, particularly towards the climax


Any project that keeps Stephen Baldwin busy means less television appearances and Jesus rants for the rest of us


The image of Billy Zane facing evil intergalactic monsters makes me feel warm inside


Low Points
The actual aliens make the CGI attacks of Shark Attack 3: Megladon look positively Spielbergian

Providing no explanation of the invasion doesn’t necessarily hurt the film, but an attempt might have at least distanced Silent Warnings another inch away from Signs


Lessons Learned
Telling someone “you ain’t got no character” is a great way to make your friends laugh for five minutes


Just because a woman says you’re attractive does not give you permission to peep on her as she undresses next door


The Flanders were right: iron is good for you

Letter jackets worn by 30+ year old actors playing young twentysomethings makes said actors look far older


Winning Line
“I love you. I love your body. That’s the truth.”
This is said to a beautiful young topless woman who is insecure around her athletic boyfriend because she’s not, like, a cheerleader or like, the cheerleader type. Firstly, are cheerleaders still considered the hot holy grails of male college loins? And more importantly, is “not a cheerleader type” code for brunette?


Rent/Bury/Buy
This is above average Sci-Fi Channel fodder that is far better than it really has any right to be. That being said, one watch is most likely more than enough for most genre fans. Unless you’re sorely missing the once ubiquitous film presence of Master Zane and worry that he didn’t sign the right line for Titanic residuals, stick Silent Warnings somewhere on your Netflix queue or wait for a random cable airing and turn off the lights.