Tongue-Tied

What's a great way to get horror fans to watch your movie? Release an American remake that makes viewers mad, then gets good reviews, then makes you realize that you'll inevitably have to watch both. 

We are simple folk. 

Quick Plot: Louise and Bjorn are a Danish couple with a daughter named Agnes. While on a group vacation to Italy, they hit it off with a similarly aged family from Holland: Patrick the doctor, Karin his wife, and Abel, their pleasant son who was born without a tongue. 

Back home in their tight apartment, loaded with the kinds of schedule items any young couple with a child have, Bjorn clearly feels a little disconnected. He's thrilled when Patrick sends a postcard inviting the family to spend a few days in their country estate. Fresh air and good company, what could possibly go wrong?

Since this movie is streaming on Shudder, obviously, quite a bit. 

Louise is quickly unsettled. Patrick dismisses her vegetarianism (well, pescetarianism) by pressuring her to eat some pork. He plays music too loud, drinks and drives, doesn't respect boundaries, and tricks Bjorn into paying for dinner that was supposed to be a treat. When Louise discovers Agnes sleeping in a nude Patrick and Karin's bed, it's the last straw. The family decides to leave, only to return immediately when Agnes's beloved stuffed animal goes missing. Once confronted with Patrick and Karin's apologies, how can they possibly be rude guests and still abandon their hosts?

To say much more about Speak No Evil would be a spoiler, though any savvy horror viewer can probably piece together a few more developments. Things get awkward, then dangerous, then rather shockingly dark in a pretty brilliant way that I haven't quite seen before. 

There are those who hate to see fingernails ripped off onscreen or any pain directed at Achilles heels. For a civilized audience, what's scarier? Being perceived as being rude. 

Speak No Evil is a horror movie about manners, and a pretty brilliant one at that. Louise is ready to call out Patrick and Karin for some of their rudeness, but as soon as she's confronted with her mistake, she surrenders all agency. Bjorn is clearly as flattered by Patrick's attention as he is embarrassed by Louise raising tension. It's the awkwardness that damns our characters, and while it's easy to scream at them from our couches, it's also one of the most strangely identifiable horror movie scenarios I've ever seen. 

High Points

I wish I could say so much more about everyone's performance, but I really do hate to give away too much. All four leads are simply perfect.

Low Points

I don't know that Speak No Evil is a perfect film, but honestly, I can't think of a single misstep it makes. Every action feels like a deliberate drive towards the conclusion. I have nothing negative to say.

Lessons Learned

When traveling abroad, you don't have to become fluent in the country's language, but at least learn the word that identifies your child's beloved stuffed animal

Mermaids represent Denmark well (though they're also small and disappointing)

Holland is a cheese country

Rent/Bury/Buy

I was satisfied by Speak No Evil when I finished it this morning, and now, 8 hours later as I sat down to write about it, I realized it's, well, kind of perfect? This isn't the scariest film of its year or even most shocking. It's just GOOD. The story is something that is all too easy to understand, and yet, one that I haven't quite seen told this way (or this well) in many years of genre watching. Find it on Shudder. 

Swapping Bodies Bodies Bodies

 

Unlikable but attractive young people are a hallmark of horror. We watch this genre knowing characters will die, so making them pleasant to look at and just awful enough to kind of wish violence upon their knockout bodies is reasonable. 

The flip of this is that insufferable characters can often make for an insufferable watching experience. Take something like The Alpines, which has a similar setup to today's feature. Watching it, I would have rather my Roku malfunctioned than watch each character meet their end. With Greg Jardin's It's What's Inside, we get equally bratty characters but played by such charming actors that I was all in.

Quick Plot: Cyrus (James Morosini) and Shelby (Brittany O'Grady) have hit a rut in their relationship. She's desperately trying to implement new risks in the bedroom, while he would rather just watch porn whenever she heads out for a run. They're not on the same page but bound for the same weekend getaway to their pal Rueben's coed bachelor party, held in the unusual mansion of his late artist mother. 

In tow is the usual round of hot young adults a few years out of college but still holding onto past grudges and crushes. There's influencer Nikki (Fear the Walking Dead's Alycia Debnam-Carey), stoner Brooke, free spirit Maya, bad boy Dennis, and surprise guest Forbes, who was expelled from college and the gang after an intense argument with Dennis over Forbes' underage sister. Forbes has since had a minor tech bro glow-up and comes armed to party with the ultimate pre-wedding game: a machine that lets you body swap.

Tossing in copious amounts of drugs and alcohol to such a mix (the untested technology AND complicated matrix of sexual entanglements) leads, as you might have guessed it, to an act of violence and chaotic horror. 

Written and directed by Greg Jardin, It's What's Inside calls to mind the similarly themed and styled Bodies Bodies Bodies. The movie itself is fully in control of how flawed its own characters are, and the cast does a tremendous job in playing out those dynamics. It also manages to be a little deeper in how these people actually relate to one another. The smartest move the script makes is framing the whole story with Shelby and Cyrus's stale romance. It always serves as a sort of compass to the rest of the night's hijinks while also exploring something relatable and awful (and often very funny, thanks to O'Grady, Morosini, and a few of the bodies they end up in).

It's What's Inside isn't quite a masterpiece, and does seem to miss out on a few opportunities to explore more fundamentally interesting questions about body and identity. Still, it's an incredibly good time that I found kinetic and fun. 

High Points

Jardin plays with quite a few visual tricks, making his film occasionally feel like a more grownup TikTok video. Weirdly, it works, especially if you think a little more deeply about how much everyone's different perspectives are constantly driving each action in the story

Low Points

I think the number of characters had to follow a certain logic in order to mathematically add up to the storyline, but I do think the film stumbles a tiny bit in not having enough time to differentiate Brooke and Maya. Neither gets quite enough time to develop before the swap, which makes any reference to both always slightly confusing.

Lessons Learned

A real friend remembers your life-threatening allergies

The best cure for a headache is a new body

Body swapped sex is probably hot and weird, but it shouldn't let you off the hook for taking basic safety precautions

Rent/Bury/Buy

You will likely know very quickly whether It's What's Inside is for you. For me, it was a blast, though I can see its tone not connecting with many a viewer. Find it on Netflix.

Won't You Kill My Neighbor?

“Evil Mr. Rogers” is a concept that screams for the horror treatment. How has it taken this long?

Quick Plot: Young Darren loves nothing more than Mr. Crocket, a Mr. Rogers-y television show that airs during miserable dinners with his timid mother Rhonda and abusive stepfather Kevin. After a tense round of string beans, Mr. Crocket himself shows up for a bite...of Kevin. 

Elsewhere in town, 8-year-old Major is struggling to understand the death of his father, deflecting with video games and outbursts while his mother Summer tries her best to move forward. He's throwing tantrums and making Mom's life pure misery. Self-help parenting tapes do little to aid Summer, but when a clamshell-cased episode of Mr. Crocket shows up in the free mailbox outside her home, she figures it's worth a try. 

Major is hooked, and it only takes a few days for Mr. Crocket to take hold (figuratively and literally). Like Darren, Major seems to have vanished through his living room walls, leaving Summer fraught with an unbelievable story and heavy heart. 

The police don't believe her, even though several other missing children in town have followed the same pattern. A little library research leads Summer to Rhonda and Eddie, whose daughter went missing under similar circumstances. Together, they decide to open Mr. Crocket’s door and retrieve their children.

It’s not quite as easy as one would hope. The bright colors of the VHS set prove to be far darker in Mr. Crocket’s actual hell, a violent landscape born out of the horrors of collective abuse curated by its own Freddy Kruegger-ish host. 

Expanded from a short film, Mr. Crocket is a fabulous concept and a good final product. Carl Reid and director Brandon Espy’s script is filled with clever ideas and clearly has some deep things to explore regarding what it means to grow up in a home marked by violence. Doing so through a murderous Mr. Rogers is pretty genius. 

The film doesn’t quite live up to it. You can feel the budget bursting, particularly in the somewhat muddled finale. I don’t know what the time frame was from short film to feature, but the final script probably needed one more draft or ten more minutes of runtime to feel complete. It’s disappointing only because the idea is so fresh. Overall, this is a solid little film that’s quite enjoyable, even if it doesn’t quite meet its own expectations. 

High Points

As the titular Mr. Crocket, Elvis Nolasco is clearly relishing the opportunity to play such a twisted character. It’s a juicy performance that goes a very long way

Low Points

I realize more and more every day that audiences aren’t quite as smart as I would think, but it still irks me when a movie feels the need to lay out its themes so directly. “I was born in the fires of hell and abuse” should be subtext, not actual dialogue

High/Low Point You Should Only Read To Be Spoiled

I wondered a LOT about Alex Akpobome’s choices in playing Eddie. Bad casting or bad acting? Turns out, neither, because the character isn’t at all what you think (thank goodness)

Lessons Learned

Junk food just makes you sleepy and tired

One should always use some caution with free libraries, but particularly in the 1980s when they weren’t actually a thing

Further Reading

While watching Mr. Crocket, I found myself thinking a lot about Kiersten White’s Mr. Magic, a genre novel that plays with a similar setup involving an ‘80s style children’s show gone wrong. The one is more Mormons meet Romper Room, but if you were looking for another spin on this kind of setup, give it a read.

Rent/Bury/Buy

Mr. Crocket is a little rough around the edges, but it’s such a fresh idea that any horror fan (particularly one who spends far too much time complaining about sequels and reboots) really owes it to the genre to give it a watch. It’s a quick 90 minutes on Hulu.

I'm Geeking Out...About Christmas

We interrupt this regularly scheduled space of movie talk to cordially invite you to see ME, in person!

If you're anywhere near the Brooklyn area on December 5th, consider getting yourself a ticket to, as the poster says, a VERY special evening where I'll join comedian Kevin Maher in bringing you some seasonal entertainment. What does that mean exactly?

THERE'S ONLY ONE WAY TO FIND OUT! 

London Calling

 

One day, I'll remember which James is the good one and which is the piece of crap.

Considering I get TWO of the good ones in today's movie, maybe that day has finally come. 

Quick Plot: On the 100th anniversary of each of Jack the Ripper's murders, victims are turning up in the same pattern way over in the lower class parts of LA.  

Dr. John Wesford (baby-faced James Spader) toils away at a free clinic, much to the chagrin of his grumpy boss. Having grown up in LA's less affluent area, John cares deeply about the neighborhood and has been paying close attention to the ongoing crimes. 

Right on schedule for the final murder, John catches the clinic's janitor Jack slipping out of a pregnant sex worker's apartment, her body bloodied and pulse gone. Jack claims it's a misunderstanding, but that seems less likely when he follows John back to the clinic and strings him up, staging it as suicide.

To the police, it's a relief. Dr. John Wesford, found hanging and covered in the final victim's blood, was clearly Jack the Ripper 2.0. Case closed!

Not so fast (we're only about 25 minutes into the movie, after all). John's twin brother Ricky, a less successful assistant manager at Foot Locker, shows up in town knowing his better half would never do such things. Most of the detectives are dubious, though the story is just incomplete enough to give Ricky some merit. 

Several MORE investigations proceed. Ricky grows close to Christine, Jack's colleague at the clinic who might be on the next hit list. Lurking in the background is the always welcome, and usually squirmy Robert Picardo as a psychiatrist who specializes in hypnosis. Through it all, James Spader and his stunt double display an excellent knack and possible addiction to leaping out windows and landing safely.

Jack's Back was written and directed by the gloriously named Rowdy Herrington, who followed this up with a little movie you might have heard about called Road House. Jack's Back doesn't reach the campy fun heights of that classic, but considering its low profile in film history, it's a surprisingly interesting little mystery. 

James Spader is incredibly watchable as both John and Ricky, which holds everything together even when the story gets a bit messy. Herrington makes some great moves in the film's first act. We're caught completely off guard by John's early murder. The series of suspects that comes after keeps the story moving, but also never really seems to come together. I was a bit unsatisfied when the very '80s credits music closed in. 

Still, considering those very '80s credits music included sexy saxophone solos, my complaints are minimal.  

High Points

Both John and Ricky don't quite have enough character history on the page, but by GOLLY is James Spader good at captivating the audience. This is one of those "that guy's a star" performances not in scope, but in pure charisma

Low Points

I'm still not exactly sure how some of the characters line up, which is a bit of shame when this is the kind of film that should have a clear, resolute finish

Lessons Learned

The bigger the scar, the higher the fee (at least in Texas)

Rickys are always the naughty ones

The best way to distract an old lady is to ask about her grandkids

Rent/Bury/Buy

Jack's Back isn't a masterpiece, but it's a nice little hidden gem in an era that wasn't really making these kinds of movies. You can find it streaming on Peacock. 

Family Ties

 

Family trees have deep roots in film. Yes, there's an element of nepotism that is incredibly frustrating when you think of how many talented, hard-working creatives you know who simply don't have the same opportunity as someone with a known last name. That being said, it's impossible not to be curious at what kind of filmmakers the children of David Cronenberg have turned out to be. 

Quick Plot: The world is not good. Nature is revolting, and the government's new priorities are to encourage voluntary (for now) conscription. Serving your country is nice in theory, but in this case, you're not signing up for combat: it's voluntary execution. 

Charles York is mildly above it all. A  retired, once celebrated newsman living in awkward comfort with his iron chef wife Dawn, Charles summons his four adult children to a formal home dinner with some news: he and Dawn are going to enlist.

The kids are not all right. Rachel (Schitt's Creek Canada-certified Emily Hampshire) is rocking her way through scandal as a disgraced pharmaceutical CEO. Jared is a government mouthpiece publicly urging "those people" to sign up. Noah is a hardworking recovering alcoholic pianist. And failed actress Ashley's current ambition is to get cast in a video game commercial. 

The servicemen arrive to take care of business right as Dawn (understandably) gets cold feet and scrambles. Supervisor Bob is displeased, and delivers some pretty rough news: backing out of an enlistment contract has consequences. Someone with the last name of York has to make good on the terms. 

The siblings are given two hours to decide. It goes about as well as many Thanksgivings or crowded Christmas dinners do, which is to say there's a lot of screaming, airing of childhood grievances, and a few beatings. 

Directed by Caitlin Cronenberg (daughter of David, sister of Brandon) from Michael Sparaga's script, Humane suffers a bit in timing in being released so closely after Mike Flanagan's Fall of the House of Usher. There are some very specific family dynamics and character beats that feel so familiar, only Usher had the luxury of spreading its twisted humor and eat the rich dinner over eight courses of episodes. 

One of Humane's major drawbacks is that it just doesn't seem to have enough time to really dive into the Yorks' relationships. Noah and Ashley have a fairly clear bond as the two youngest, and for reasons I won't spoil, that serves as a very important factor in how the second half plays out. But Jared is simply all the worst parts of humanity in the frame of Jay Baruchel (who I have to keep reminding myself is not Justin Long) and Rachel simply doesn't have enough time with us for the audience to understand her whiplash journey.

Despite how negative some of these comments might sound, I actually enjoyed Humane. It has a stark and understated approach to a version of a society crumble that we haven't quite seen before, and the sort of clumsy violence is a fresh approach that in reality, makes a lot of sense. People give victims in horror movies a hard time for not always dispatching their attackers, but you know what? Actually killing someone (and in this case, your own sibling) is probably VERY DIFFICULT for most of us, even in the most heightened of genre circumstances. 

Cronenberg is aiming more for dark comedy than spine-tingling horror, and when it works (Enrico Colantoni's Bob has a lot to do with that), it has some pointed things to say about bureaucracy, capitalism, and sibling politics. I found the ending unsatisfying thematically, but the fact that I'm still turning things over in my head is certainly a good sign. 

High Points

Peter Gallagher is, and will always be, a genuine treasure, and while his part is fairly small, it's absolutely key that we understand exactly what kind of man Charles York is (and isn't), both to his family and the public. You get that easily with Gallagher's presence, and he manages to convey both his "great man" and "vain jerk" status in equal measure

Low Points

It's genuinely weird that Baruchel's Jared is never actually confronted about his own hypocrisy in pushing enlistment but doing everything possible to save himself from it. Maybe Cronernberg thought it was simply too obvious to point out, but the idea that his siblings would never call him on it is just, well odd

Lessons Learned

It's not a booty call if you live together

Reading the fine print is never more important than when committing something to the government

One burnt kernel will ruin the whole bag of popcorn (which, sorry to say Bob, is why you should always make yours in an actual popcorn maker and avoid microwaved slime)

Marketing Bonus

Guys, the Instagram account Bob mentions is real, and it's entirely popcorn kernel-based, and it makes me very, very happy

Rent/Bury/Buy

I realize that I had more negative things to say than positive in the above paragraphs, but I still find myself thinking about Humane and wanting to discuss it more. Now streaming on Shudder, it's certainly worth your time.