Great British Heroes ‎– "Eric Miller" (Lightning Records ‎– GIL 538) 1978

The legendary 'withdrawn' Lightning Records release of GBH's (not the more famous GBH) only single.
They played the Roxy a few times, after they switched from bog standard Hard Rocking group to 'Punk', and featured, briefly, future TV comedian Roland Rivron on drums.Er... Thats about it.
Thanks to the internet we can now all hear this great lost single.
They imploded shortly after this.

DOWNLOAD soomething  grievous and bodily HERE!

The Snifters ‎– "I Like Boys" ( Lightning Records ‎– GIL 534) 1978

Well......er......I'm frightened! This slightly dodgy euro-pop atrocity, enters itself into the "What the Fuck was that" category of pop histroy......not that this anthem for Gay sexual predators was at all popular.....except eith Gay Sexual Predators.
The lightning Records Belgian connection comes well and truly out of the closet here, with this Synth Punk tribute to 'Boys and their Stinky Toys'.....a desperate grasp for some pink punk  pounds from the gaping back pockets in the crotchless leather shorts of the nascent Gay Disco scene.
This horrible tune will leave you open-mouthed and looking for the exit, rather than open-mouthed waiting for one of those 'Stinky Toys' to fill the void.
It's also actually quite funny in a 'Good Bad' kind of way.The heavy flemish accent doesn't help, and the Arnold Schwarzenegger style backing vocals, sound like they're being delivered by a lobotomised hairy backed lummox in a gimp mask, chained up in a particularly damp corner of a secret basement apartment.

"Here Dere ev-rywhere,
I Like Boisss, I Like Boisss,
I Like dere steenki Toissss"

Mummy!!!!!

The sleeve accurately describes the music, with a sovereign ringed hairy hand caressing the rear of a wavy haired manchild, ripe for some abuse.
The rear sleeve, for the B-side, "Baby Punker", is potentially more disturbing. Portraying a baby seemingly gratifying itself in an unforgivable prone receiving postion, through it's diaper!!!?
This could easily have been the Belgian entry for the Eurovision Song Contest in 1978 as far as I know. Its certainly an argument for the UK leaving the European Union.
Whoever made this record is, no doubt, in prison now......or, more likely, Dead!

Tracklist:

A I Like Boys
B Baby Punker

DOWNLOAD some unlikeable boys noise HERE!

Cane ‎– "3 x 3" (Lightning Records ‎– GIL 531) 1978

The main problem with these disappearing outsider punk groups was the instantly forgettable names thay gave themselves.....'Cane'!?...what's that?....'Pain' rather than Cane would have been an improvement,and not signing to Lightning another.
Then Lightning Records decided to release the Watford trio's most non-punk song as the A-side of a three track single, which killed them off for good......not that they would have gone on to anything however;but they did get a track on the 'Streets' compilation,which was one of the first 'Punk' albums I owned.
Inevitably they sank without a trace.

Tracklist:

A Dice
B1 Suburban Guerilla
B2 D. K. Dance

DOWNLOAD the pain of being cane HERE!

Martin And The Brownshirts ‎– "Taxi Driver / Boring" (Lightning Records ‎– GIL 507) 1978

Another bunch of dubious reprobates on the Lightning 'Punk' roster were Martin and his Brownshirts. From the lovely middle class town of Chester,Chestershire, where all the nouveau riche and footballers live nowadays.
Of course with a name like that they quickly attracted a Nazi following, who ruined everyones fun, so they had to change their name.
They did manage this superior outsider punk single about the Scorsese classic 'Taxi Diver'.Wether the Martin in their group name was inspired by the director or not is not known, but the lyrics definitely were inspired by the Travis Bickle mirror scene. Thankfully ,like the other hive-minded Punx, they never copied Travis's hair cut which came to define the stupider kind of Punk that still lives with us today!
This could have been a Hit!

Read Drummer, Willie Williams rather amusing account of the groups lifespan HERE!

DOWNLOAD something brown HERE!

Too Much ‎– "Who You Wanna Be" & "Kick Me One more Time" 7" Singles (Lightning Records ‎– GIL 513/GIL 552) 1978/1979

Tracklisting:

A Who You Wanna Be
B Another Time Another Place

Tracklisting:

1-Kick Me One More Time
2-Be Mine
3-It's Only For Me

Too much what? Certainly not too much in the department of record releases. In fact, just enough.

For most pop groups two singles should be the maximum output for their careers.....what careers?

Again, not much is known about this youthful act on Lightning Records, but they did do a photoshoot at least, and it reveals they had a prediliction for turned up jacket collars to make them appear cool.A fashion angle popularised by Alvin Stardust,Eric Cantona and John Robb of the Membranes......not to be encouraged.

Fresh out of secondary school by the sound of it, and the look of it.Too much's fledgling career was no doubt curtailed by 'Real Life', jobs, university courses and other crap like that.Likely, they had to sell the music gear their mums and dads bought them to pay the rent in their grotty bedsits as society began to grind down their youthful enthusiasm.They're probably all dead now!?

They did,however, leave us with five charming upbeat power pop rave-ups with a distinct Pub Rock flavour.....more photo's anyone?...

Yes, one of them had a beard.Very  subversive in 1978.

DOWNLOAD but not too much HERE!

Lucy ‎– "Really Got Me Goin' + Never Never (7" Singles) " (Lightning Records ‎– BCS 0008;+GIL 516) 1977/1978

Tracklisting:

A Really Got Me Goin'
B Oy

Tracklisting:

A Never Never
B Feel So Good

Lightning Records philosophy strictly followed the 'If you throw enough shit at the wall some will stick' rule.

They threw lots of Punk Shit at all available walls,and mostly nothing stuck.The walls of taste were teflon coated.

Sad thing is not all of it was shit, including the two singles, in '77/'78 by the abysmally named 'Lucy'.

Four tracks of faultless high octane rock'n'roll, of the original Pub Rock/Punk Rock hybrid that we all fell in love with.....yep, I love Lucy.....thats what i was building up to. Tadaaaah!

If they had a name something like Slaughter and the Dogs they would have been a sucessful medium sized punk rock act....but nah!...they were called 'Lucy'!!!!????

DOWNLOAD a punk band called lucy HERE!

Snatch ‎– "Snatch" (Pandemonium ‎– WITCH 1) 1983

Oh Christ!...Patti Palladin and Judy Nylon were 'Snatch';two potty mouthed american ex-pats,or, immigrants if they were black; who were sooooo bored that they decided to be Rock-Stars one hungover morning after drinking somebody elses booze the previous night.
There are times when the phrase "Too Cool For School" applies rather too fucking much. You just know these kool chicks wouldn't want to be seen with ugly penniless no-marks like you and me....well at least not you anyway.
Just read this toe-curling interview with Patti Palladin extracted from too cool for school 'search and destroy magazine:

"When I came to London in about '74 we(Palladin and Judy Nylon) became good friends. We were trying our best to get something going, we were both creative chicks... We both had ideas of sorts.
For 2 foreign chicks living in London, what is there really to do? So that's why Rock & Roll! It was the obvious thing to do out of boredom. We thought about forming a band together. We worked on basic lyrics and melodies and things. But it was hard trying to find people who understood where we were coming from. At that time all the punks were suddenly beginning to appear. Everyone was into saying, "I'm a punk. I'm cool, I'm aggressive, we're going to change it" and all this shit."

These cool coooool chicks could easily pass for Glam refugees Johnny Thunders and Bowie in drag. In fact didn't Palladin have a relationship with her male-self? The ultimate narcissistic kick.

These flat-chested chanteuses had their most famous single released on fake punk label Lightning Records in 1978, and it scraped the bottom edge of the charts. Like a Glam/Punk version of The GTO's, they sang about being bored and shopping to muddy post-bowie backing tracks mixed low beneath their piercing drawls.

The myth is that they never exploited their sexuality, unlike the other Punk girls(?), which is of course pure bollocks.Look at the sultry poses that adorn the two sides of the LP cover....notably with the less attractive one (Judy Nylon) on the back,rather than on her back.I imagine there were some bitchy battles about that subject....ahhh....maybe not because they were 'Artists' weren't they.....better than us.

This all involved, naturally, an 'Eno Collaboration',but knowing Eno, they likely collaborated in bed as well.....they were after all, Too Cool For School.

Tracklisting:

A1 Credit 3:18
A2 All I Want 3:50
A3 Second Rater 2:00
A4 Amputee 1:56
A5 Joey 2:20
A6 Stanley 3:57
A7 Carlotta 2:02
A8 Trial By Fire 2:21
A9 Radio Ad 1978 0:33
B1 Dead Heat 4:12
B2 When I'm Bored 1:56
B3 I.R.T. 2:16
B4 Shopping For Clothes 3:45
B5 R.A.F.
Featuring – Brian Eno(told ya!) 2:58
B6 Black Market 5:11

DOWNLOAD and Snatch a earful HERE!

The Jerks ‎– "Jerk Off" (Overground Records ‎– OVER 65CD) 1997

They mentioned the Dole Queue, they said that they 'Hate You',and one of them had bleached hair......must be Punk right?
One of the more credible groups on Lightning Records, but don't ask me me why!
They did after all,have a keyboard player,which breaks rule number two of Punk Rock...No Keyboard Players. They also break rule number one, No Backing Singers.At least rule number three wasn't contravened,...No Brass Sections.A big no no that one....remember The Saints second album!???
The later tracks reveal  genuine pretentions towards New Wave Pop,but they didn't have any talent, which is, in itself, a major talent if you wanna make proper Punk Rock......which The Jerks managed to actually do on a couple of tracks.All this despite the rather silly use of the word 'woofing' in a tune that resides in one of the very worst punk sub-genres.....'Comedy Punk'. Did anyone ever find Toy Dolls, Splodgenessabounds, and the Dickies funny at all?

Tracklisting:

1 Back To Berlin
2 California Sun
3 Hold My Hand
4 You're Not Worth It (Jerk Off)
5 Dole Queue Boys
6 We Hate You
7 Get Your Woofing Dog Off Me
8 More More More
9 Join The Navy
10 Cool
11 Cruisin' (Again)
12 Safety Zone
13 The Beating Of Hearts
14 Come Back Bogart
15 Are You Strong Enough?

DOWNLOAD and jerk off HERE!

Blitzkrieg Bop ‎– "Top Of The Bops" (Overground Records ‎– OVER 69CD) 1998

One of the better releases on Lightning Records would have to be "Lets Go" by those 'Geordie New Wave luminaries', Blitzkrieg Bop(of which there are three versions of on this cd comp). An adapted version of Scott Mackenzies Hippy anthem involving putting flowers in your hair. Tony Parson's NME review of this tune is paraphrased in an amusing interview (track 18) on local radio back in '77, during which the Blitzkrieg Bopper involved actually sounds reasonably informed, and the local DJ rather amusingly alludes that this record and group are not very good.
Of course they're 'not very good', that was the whole point innit? The difficult part was to have the ability to not improve, the lack of which was the main factor in Punk Rocks rapidly approaching death date,or at least the sell-by date. It was simply all over by the end of 1978....and so were Blitzkrieg Bop. The band they stole their rather unispired name from,(Ramones if you somehow hadn't worked that one out yet?), kept repeating themselves into the late eighties,but they weren't as punk as these geordies,had worse clothes,rocked too much and basically sang about girlfriends.

DOWNLOAD lightning war bop on lightning HERE!

Various ‎– "Lightning Records Punk Collection" (Anagram Records ‎– CD PUNK 79) 1996

Lightning Records had a massive hit in 1977 with "Uptown Top-Ranking" by Althea and Donna, so they had buckets full of cash to penetrate the 'Punk' market.Trouble was there weren't any Bands left to sign up, and no-one would want to sign for such a dodgy label as that anyway. So they got all the groups no-one wanted, and made a few up too.

This compilation of Fake Punk cash-in masters, Lightning Records, is a punk dustbin full of fake groups and groups signed because one of them had a short hair cut and knew naughty words like 'Berk' or flipping Heck!

If you didn't know any better, and you heard "Dark Glasses" by The Mirrors, in 1978, you'd either be horrified at its vicious roll'n'roll furylessness, or find it totally laughable. The correct reaction would have to be laughter, as it's one of thee most clueless attempts at a punk cash-in ever gobbed onto vinyl.

The lyrics, sang by what could only be an off-duty Elvis impersonator,or that bloke from Spandau Ballet, are priceless. Examples of which are:

"You're wearing Dark Glasses, Have You Got The Class?"

"In a doorway they take co-co with a jacknife"(they weren't allowed to say Cocaine I guess)

No they weren't the proto-Pere Ubu Mirrors from Cleveland Ohio,but they did play the Roxy and The Vortex, and support Sham 69. How this tune went down I shudder tho think.

Whereas Fake Punkers, "Martin and the Brownshirts" did actually come from Cleveland, as in the shithole in the north-east of England, rather than the shithole in America.

Nasty Media, no-one knows anything about,but I suspect they were another made up band, and were the only 'Punk' band to rhyme Berk with Jerk, so they get top marks on the Punksploitation scale from me.

Neville Wanker & The Punters are the wonderfully annoying bosses of the middle-aged blokes go punk punksploitation Oscar. The backing singers,(which breaks Punk rule number one, 'No Backing Singers),relentlessly chant "Punk...Punk Rock" all through this charming ditty about how "The Punk Rock is here to Stay"!!!? Its like a parody that would regularly crop up on awful TV magazine programme like "That's Life" in 1978.

The Fruit-Eating Bears even went on 'A Song For Europe' in an attempt to get on the Eurovision Song Contest.....they didn't.....but you can get all their stuff HERE!

Elton Motello, whose Gay anthem 'Jet Boy Jet Girl' was nicked from fellow chutney ferret Lou de Prijck and lip synced by Plastic Betrand, was in 'Bastard' with Brian James(the Damned), and is probably the only person on this with any debatable cred' points in the Punk Rock world.

The rest are a bunch of flare wearing converts with shoulder length hair.Maybe sporting a discreet safety pin, a 'punk' badge or two,and a length of chain attached to their jumpers......which for me was a far better image than getting tarted up on the Kings Road and spiking up your previously blow-dried locks.

This album is crammed with effortlessy insipid punk and new wave facimiles, nothing at all offensive, and actually nothing to do with 'Punk Rock'. Its great!

PS...you can get a full Fake Punk onslaught from Die or DIY?'s Fake Punk compilation "Come and get yer Punk in Woolworths" by clicking HERE!

Tracklisting:

1 –Jet Bronx & The Forbidden - Ain't Doin' Nuthin'
2 –The Mirrors - Cure For Cancer
3 –The Jerks - Get Your Woofing Dog Off Me
4 –Blitzkrieg Bop - Let's Go
5 –Martin & The Brownshirts - Taxi Driver
6 –Elton Motello - Jet Boy Jet Girl
7 –Fruit Eating Bears - Chevy Heavy
8 –Dirty Dog - Let Go Of My Hands
9 –Horror Comic - I Don't Mind
10 –Too Much - Who Do You Wanna Be
11 –The Nerves - TV Adverts
12 –Cane - D.K.Dance
13 –Cane - College Girls
14 –Neville Wanker & The Punters - Boys On The Dole
15 –The Mirrors - Dark Glasses
16 –Nasty Media - Spiked Copy
17 –Blitzkrieg Bop - U.F.O.
18 –Krypton Tunes - All In Jail
19 –The Jerks - Cool
20 –Too Much - Kick Me One More Time
21 –Open Sore - Vertigo (Live)
22 –The Crabs - Lullabies Lie (Live)

DOWNLOAD this fake storm HERE!

Horrorcomic ‎– "England '77" (Castle Music ‎– CMQCD1263) 2006

A fake Punk legend, the awfully named, Horrorcomic, were cobbled together from Lightening Records' backroom staff. Obviously Lightening couldn't find their own spikey tops to exploit, so they sensibly made their own...quite like Maclaren did with the Pistols. But in this case the members looked like beered up status quo fans with mid length hair and denim flares. There's also a suspicion that they were Gary Glitter fans, which doesn't nescessarily disqualify them from being 'Punk', as Johnny Rotten was also a Glitter fan, and so the fuck am I! The Glitter Band Guitar sound will live beyond eternity....unfortunately, Horrorcomic won't...but its enjoyable stuff nonetheless.

Horrorcomic, resplendant in cutting edge  vivien Westwood outfits.

Tracklisting:

1 England '77
2 Cut Your Throat
3 I Don't Mind
4 Support To A Name Band
5 Jesus Crisis
6 The Night Elvis Left The Building
7 Razor Attack
8 Nowhere To Hide
9 Probation Officer
10 Change That Neck (aka Wring That Neck)
11 Sex In The Afternoon
12 The Exorcist
13 Noisy Bastard
14 I'm All Hung Up On Pierrepoint

DOWNLOAD this horror HERE!