Оризонт – "Оризонт(in Moldovan "Orizont")" (Melodia/Мелодия – С60-10691) 1978

 90% of all decent soviet music came from Estonia.The reason for this is geographical,just as it was for The Beatles.Access to the sea.In Estonia's case access to the right sea,namely The Baltic and the west,rather than being landlocked like Moldova.At best they could holiday on the Black Sea coast,which sadly meant being culturally locked in to the weird gypsyfied Eurasian way of doing things.That coupled with living in the wall-less prison of the former Soviet union,and missing out on the greatest renaissance of the arts since...well...er....the Renaissance.Leads us to explaining why this state sponsored slab of Moldavian library music Schlager Funk exists.

Indeed, we sophisticates of the west will laugh at the pure cheesy shitness of these records,but they do have a healthy vein of well recorded break-beats and ooodles of charm. One somehow feels sorry for them as victims of the distorted intellectual bollocks of Soviet Communism. Without some bespectacled political theorist reading Karl Marx's Das Kapital as reflected by a distorted funhouse mirror,This fucked up Funk would have never existed outside of the Eurovision song contest in the 1970's. 

The funniest part of all this is that the poor sod's left behind in mother Russia are gonna have to go through all this shit again thanks to the whims and insecurities of a Phil Collins lookalike with a marsh-mellow like complexion akin to the Pilsbury Dough Boy.The silly fuckers are gonna have to listen to Russian music again, and spend 50% of their state approved wages on a burger from "Tasty and that's IT!",the new national Burger joint.....sadly they've yet to come up with a Russified version of a McFlurry as of yet.

A sadly contemporary example of that silly Soviet trait of making dangerous and downright bad forgeries of western products,and then boasting that "we have Burgers too american pigdogs", just as they used to think that they had Funkier Music......even in Moldova?!

Tracklist:

1.Гайдуцкая Баллада6:46

2.Монолог3:44

3.У Мельницы3:22

4.Край Мой2:55

5.Калина3:01Ничего Не Оспорю4:44

6.Первое Танго2:48

7.Апрель3:37

8.Оризонт3:19

DOWNLOAD enjoy yourself and you will dance,or be shot HERE!

Various ‎Artists – "Test Card Classics: The Girl The Doll The Music" (Flyback ‎– FBCD 2000) 1996

This is musical Heroin for me.
Like lying back in your mothers arms,unless your mother was a violent alcoholic of course, and having all those shitty adult problems melt away like plastic earmarked for recycling in a council incinerator.
This takes me back to those days off sick,when one was left at the mercy of daytime television,or lack of it back then,or when I bunked off school to avoid a test or the shower after basketball,or just to avoid the horrible sport of Basketball itself; then came home when the parents were at work and there was fuck all to do!...so we watched the Testcard!? Which was the equivalent of watching something like "Celebrity Love Island" today, but more entertaining, and lacking the suicides.
Those of you who came from countries with no public service broadcasting organisations will not understand......and that's ok.I won't hold it against you;but here's your chance to catch up.
Basically,You haven't lived until you've bounced yer booty to "Holiday Highway" by the Stuttgart Studio Orchestra.
And the Nu-Right wanna shut the BBC down????....leaving us at the mercy of Facebook and the Flat Earth Anti-vaxxers!.....i'm sure that's an actual band????

Notes for the average Test Card enthusiast:

Compilation of test card music as used by the BBC between 1966-1984. Previously unreleased original recordings.

Tracks 1, 9, 12, 16, 19, 21 and 24 are in mono.
Track 1: Spoken.
Track 2: BBC1/2 1969-84
Track 3: BBC2 1967-74
Track 4: BBC2 1968-72
Track 5: BBC1 1968-84
Track 6. BBC1 1968-71
Track 7: BBC2 1972-75
Track 8. BBC2/1 1967-84
Track 9: BBC1/2 1968-71
Track 10: BBC2 1968-72
Track 11: BBC1 1971-72
Track 12: BBC1 1968-71
Track 13: BBC2 1967-74
Track 14: BBC1/2 1969-74
Track 15: BBC2/1 1968-84
Track 16: BBC1 1969-71
Track 17: BBC1/2 1968-75
Track 18: BBC2 1967-74
Track 19: BBC1 1966-72
Track 20: BBC1 1968-71
Track 21: BBC1 1968-70
Track 22: BBC2 1967-74
Track 23: BBC2 1968-72
Track 24: Tone used on BBC2

Dates diven above are first and last years of transmission, not necessarily consecutively.

Tracklist:

1–John Ross-Barnard -Introduction 0:07
2–The Stuttgart Studio Orchestra -Royal Daffodil 2:17
3–The Westway Novelty Ensemble -Riga Road 2:10
4–The Oscar Brandenburg Orchestra -Angry 3:16
5–The Stuttgart Studio Orchestra -Capability Brown 3:33
6–Unknown Artist -BBC Chimes 0:10
7–The Cavendish Ten -Waltz In Jazztime 2:44
8–The Benito Gonzalez Latin Sound -Bella Samba 2:14
9–Unknown Artist BBC Chimes 0:10
10–The Stuttgart Studio Orchestra -Holiday Highway 2:40
11–Orchestra Heinz Kiessling -Cordoba 2:56
12–The Oscar Brandenburg Orchestra -My Guy's Come Back 2:40
13–The Langford Orchestra -The Lark In The Clear Air 2:25
14–Unknown Artist -BBC Chimes 0:10
15–The New Dance Orchestra -Pandora 2:43
16–The Fernand Terby Orchestra -Firecracker 2:42
17–Unknown Artist -BBC Chimes 0:09
18–Stuttgart Studio Orchestra -Hebridean Hoedown 2:54
19–The Gerhard Narholz Orchestra -High Life 2:29
20–Orchestra Heinz Kiessling -Samba Fiesta 1:48
21–Stuttgart Studio Orchestra -Stately Occasion 3:02
22–Unknown Artist -BBC Chimes 0:10
23–Mr Popcorn's Band -Chelsea Chick 2:46
24–Roger Roger And His Orchestra -Greenland Sleigh Dogs 3:07
25–Unknown Artist -BBC Chimes 0:10
26–The Cavendish Ten -These Foolish Things 2:12
27–Stuttgart Studio Orchestra -March From "The Colour Suite" 3:12
28–Ensemble Roger Roger -Long Hot Summer 2:11
29–The Oscar Brandenburg Orchestra -Going Places 2:52
30–No Artist -440 Hz Tone 0:20

DOWNLOAD the music without the girl or the doll HERE!

BBC Radiophonic Workshop ‎– "Fourth Dimension" (BBC Records ‎– RED 93 S) 1973

Delia Derbyshire left the workshop in 1973,and a lot of the reason why is contained on this BBC album of local radio theme tunes and Testcard music.
The arrival of a couple of EMS synthesizers made it all too easy to create something musical,with a catchy tune.Just what der management would have wanted.No more weird noises made from tape loops and lamp shades.Horrific was replaced with 'Jolly'.....which is,for me probably even weirder than actual 'weird'.
The music is the stuff that filled up the empty spaces in the 1970's TV schedule.Incredibly,there was nothing on in the afternoon or morning.Briefly the news and childrens TV appeared at lunchtime,and increasingly programmes for schools filled the morning schedule,with creepy classics like "Picture Box",whose Theme Tune was one of the most sinister of the lot.....but that was on ITV,so it don't count!
The Testcard filled most of our days when bunking off school....we used to dance to this stuff,and howl with laughter at the more cheesier tunes. This was UK youths version of Martin Denny and Esquivel.This is why we are weird.
Now, if The Sex Pistols did a testcard style version of Never Mind The Bollocks for their second album,including "Belsen Was A Gas" as arranged by the producer of "Fourth Dimension" (Paddy Kingsland),they would have served us all up thee ultimate 'Punk' record,and hopefully saved us from the hoardes of 'Punx' who haunt us to this very day.
Why won't they fuck off mummy?

Now I've finished with my silly nostalgic opinions and analysis,I'll let the BBC explain it in their special no-nonsense terms from the Sleeve notes....I especially like how they explain away their rare use of Stereo on a BBC records release:

"Music heard on radio and Television (including Test Card Transmissions)....

One aspect of the work of the BBC Radiophonic Workshop is the composition and realisation of signature tunes and incidental music for BBC Radio and Television programmes. Programme producers come to the Workshop with varying requests - it must be 'bright', 'catchy', 'sinister', 'modest', 'supernatural', 'funny', and so on but, most important, it must be unique in terms of sound qualities.
The composer then sets to work to create the tune using natural sounds, which have been manipulated in some way and cut together on tape, or electronic sources, such as the voltage controlled synthesiser.
Several such signature tunes are included on this record, composed by Paddy Kingsland, who joined the creative staff of the Workshop in 1970. Before this, he worked as a tape editor, then studio manager, chiefly for Radio One. He is a firm believer that instrumental sound combined with electronic and treated sound is essential for this type of work. The tracks on this record include compositions for Radio 1, 3, 4, Local Radio and Television programmes.
The synthesisers used on this disc are both British, and both made by E.M.S. of London. They are the VCS3, an amazingly versatile miniature synthesiser, and its big brother, the Synthi '100', known within the Radiophonic Workshop as 'The Delaware', after the address of the Workshop. This machine incorporates a digital memory that can be programmed via a conventional keyboard, and can store 256 events on 3 layers in any one 'run'. In combination with the multi-track tape recorder, it provides all the facilities of an electronic music studio, its range being limited only by the imagination of the person using it.
The specially created stereo is not an attempt at realism, but is used as a sound object in its own right."


Tracklist:

1.Scene & Heard (Radio 1)
2.Just Love (BBC TV)
3.Vespucci
4.Reg (BBC African Service)
5.Tamariu (BBC TV)
6.One-Eighty-One (Radio 4)
7.Fourth Dimension (Radio 4)
8.Colour Radio (BBC Radio Leeds)
9.Take Another Look (Radio 4)
10.Kaleidoscope (Radio 4)
11.The Space Between (Radio 3)
12.Flashback

DOWNLOAD from the fourth dimension of sound...easy listening...HERE!

Petite M'amie ‎– "Girl Friend Baby Doll" (Victor ‎– SJV-511) 1971

Nowadays they make 'realistic' life size dolls that resemble Petite M'aimie (Kieko Mari), which is a quaint way of saying Girlfriend in French ("my Little Friend"), to use and abuse in whatever way the purchaser requires.
Back in the seventies the sex dolls looked like mister Blobby's slimmer cousin, and the only way to get your rocks off without an actual woman, was to play records like this....if you were Japanese of course.
This one is,on the surface, more innocent than the others I've posted, full of lots of giggling and whispering, and ,of course, some crying!? But I have a sneeking feeling that Petite M'Aimie might be suggesting that she is below the legal age of consent, which inflicts a darker tone on the proceedings somewhat.


Tracklist:
A1 Girl Friend 3:36
A2 Baby Doll 3:21
A3 Splendor 3:03
A4 Pardon 3:01
A5 Cry 2:50
A6 Make-Love 3:10
B1 Prologue 1:37
B2 Drive 3:27
B3 Coffee 4:23
B4 Wine 1:56
B5 Shower 4:30
B6 Date-Time 4:48

DOWNLOAD your new little friend HERE!

Mabuki Junko - "Ai No Dorei (Slave Of Love)" (Victor Records) 1980

My definition of "Avant Cheese" is turning out to be anything about sex it seems?
But it certainly fits into the DIY bracket, as in DIY sex for one category.
From the film, uncontroversially entitled, "All Women Are Whores", is the spoken word and dulcet singing tones of Mabuki Junko,who plays the Love Slave in question. Lots of whip action and crying going on here,and a surfeit of groaning;its more about pain than pleasure this time. There always seems to be a crying track in these Jap soft porn flicks. But it begs the question,What kind of perv bashes his bishop whilst listening to a imprisoned woman being whipped and crying,obviously in distress?You should be ashamed of yourself you filthy rotten disgusting excuse for a creepy perv bastard that you are!Crawl back under the rock that shat you out and diiiieeee!...right thats me sorted, who's next?
If this film was made and directed by some swedish art-house director called ,for example, Jurgen Harbormaster,the darling of the critics. This would be lauded as high art...but if its made by a bunch of depraved Jap's, its Smut! A payback for the Burma Railway perhaps?

Tracklist:

1 おもいで酒 = Omoide-zake 8:17
2 ふて節 = Fute-bushi 3:51
3 昭和枯れすすき = Shôwa Kare-susuki 14:41
4 ミスター・ロンリー = Mr. Lonely 1:24
5 みちづれ = Michizure 8:19
6 花街の母 = Hanamachi No Haha 11:51
7 理由もなく = Wake Mo Naku 3:07

DOWNLOAD to avenge the use of british slave labour in burma HERE!

Ike Reiko -"恍惚の世界 / World Of Ecstasy" (Teichiku Records ‎– SL-1375) 1971

So somebody had to mention 'Avant Cheese' didn't they?.....you wanted it and boy are you gonna get it!
The way that Ike caresses that conical ended phallic microphone kinda suggests what you're gonna be in for,but its weirder than that. 
Staunch womens libber, Ike.....okay...i made that bit up.... But isn't it a womans right to unfurl her medium sized breasts to earn a crust? She might have been just, hot?.....don't judge her.
Thw whole thing sounds like the 'male' producer tried to just record half an hour of Ms. Reiko moaning and groaning into that conical ended phallus she had in her sensitive fingers;but, afterwards had the idea to get some 'erotic' lyrics together. Beneath the saucey singing, and first generation moaning,is a constant degraded third generation analogue tape copy of Ike's original groan-fest.At times it sounds like a dog whining at dinner time in the house next door.Other times like creaking floorboards,or a Baby writhing in a crib.Which is interesting because some versions of this are called,inexplicably, "You,Baby"!?
There are inevitably some pervy japanese behaviours betrayed in the song titles. Like 'Love Slave' which includes sounds of Flagellation with Ike clearly enjoying it.I dread to imagine what "Dawn Scat" is all about...mum,i'm frightened!
The library music backing tacks are suitably sleazy,and possibly ideal love-making music for under 18's....excuse me while I walk casually bent double to relieve myself in the toilet.....to Urinate thank you very much, not masturbate!!!...what kind of person do you lot think I am!?.....oh, yeah, a Loudmouth Tosser, I forgot.

Tracklisting:

1 The Woman Cannot Help It 3:19
2 It Is This Twilight 2:45
3 Vertigo 2:35
4 It Stops The Rain 3:02
5 Dawn Scat 3:02
6 I'm A Woman Named 3:08

7 Wandering Guitar 2:39
8 Angel 2:54
9 Experience 2:43

10 Rainy Day Blues 2:38
11 Love Slave 2:54
12 Chords Of Love 3:20

DOWNLOAD again into that diminishing supply of Kleenex HERE!

Antony Newley and Fiona Richmond - "Frankly Fiona" (Paul Raymond ‎– PR1121973) 1973

I said, better some cheesy listening than some normalsville Industrial boredom from former Czechoslavakia....well you ain't gonna find anything cheesier or sleazier than this erotic classic.
Music by the thinking mans Tommy Steele, Antony Newley, and voice by seventies nudey bird, Fiona Richmond.
(Apparently Newley was involved in a drug fuelled orgy at Roman Polanski's house,Sharon Tate was present,pregnant and active, a few nights before Tex Watson murdered all the inhabitants...sadly Newley had long gone before the Manson lot had arrived)
Cosi Fanni Tutti, of Throbbing Gristle, was a stable mate of Fiona Richmonds at Men Only magazine back in the early seventies. And I would love to hear these naughty monologues atop some of TG's industrial backdrops. Maybe Genesis P chose the wrong soft porn model for the group,or the grope?
The music has that certain John Barry,Ennio Morricone monophonic simplicité,that turns me into putty,even without the dulcet tones of Fiona Richmond  telling me what she wants me to do to her in her clipped, just off Chelsea, accent.
Antony Newley in the seventies, as a solo artist and singer, was something to behold.Open mouthed,as a child, i stared at this shocking exhibition of singing from beyond Mars.A proud exponent of the monobrow, his vibrato was like the buzz of a dying bumble bee in late august.Unbelievable stuff!..still is!
There were few musicians that would make my father leave the room,and second only to The Sweet, was Antony Newley, just pipping Max Bygraves for his dismissive venom. I played no end of Industrial and Punk in my bedroom,but none of that got anywhere near the same reaction as Antony Newley, and/or The magnificent Sweet.
Alas, Tony Newley was a very sucessful composer,and the soundtrack to "Frankly Fiona" was one of his more subtle triumphs. Needless to say he never won a Emmy or a Tony for this work,which makes Most Industrial records sound like the feem toon to a childrens telly programme....well almost. No doubt Tony got paid in kind by Fiona herself,and why not...it was the seventies man.

Weird fact: Tony Newley was one of the victims of the infamous 'Plaster Casters' of chicago,joining such contemporaries as Jimi Hendrix to have their nether regions imortalised in plaster of paris.

Tracklist:

A1 Fiona's Theme (Music And Introduction)
A2 My First Time
A3 Look At Us Now (Song)
A4 Latin Lover
A5 Vibrations
A6 Whenever I'm Alone (Song)
A7 Don't Do It In The Dark
B1 The Boys In The Band (Music And Introduction)
B2 Diner's Dessert
B3 You Are What You Eat (Song)
B4 Turn On
B5 The World Is A Circus (Song)
B6 Fiona's Fantasy
B7 My Baby Does It Good (Song)
B8 Climax

DOWNLOAD into a handy kleenex HERE!

Liza Minnelli ‎– "The Singer" (Columbia ‎– PC 32149) 1973

As i'm obviously having a cabin fever moment,the symptoms including  an inexplicable obsession with Yes,among other No-No's; so I figure its time to select some right-on cheese.
Yes...., it's showbiz royalty,Liza with a 'Zee'. Punch drunk and Judy Garlands' daughter by Vincente Minnelli. She looks like a fuck-up in the album photo with a demented thousand yard stare. She didn't quite reach the heights of self torture that her mother so openly displayed, but there was a moment, in the nineties, after she married David Gest that she became part of a living circus for a few years.
'Cabaret' was her 'Wizard of Oz' moment,which gifted her a loooong slow declining career slide in quality.
However, when I was deeply inside the easy listening counter-culture of the nineties, this album was one of my favourites. In between the cheesy song'n'dance one woman show style numbers, there are a few cool funky tracks, Especially, "Use Me" and "Dancing In The Moonlight" which would get even the most introverted Gaylord tapping his feet.
There's also a cop movie soundtrack version of the horrendously smug Carly Simon number "You're So Vain",which was written about me......I think?
I saw one of those 'greatest album' programmes on BBC4, and it  featured toothy tunesmith Carly Simon, who never stopped telling us what a fucking gorgeous looking genius she was....maybe that song was about herself after all,and not me...or Warren Beaty? She's so Vain,she probably thinks this blurb is about her.....but with a great set of nipples,as she points out on the candid album photo. No such pleasures on the Liza Minnelli cover shot. Singer songwriters are wankers anyway, and Liza,with a Zee, could hardly write her own name never mind a smug self-satisfied anthem like 'You're So Vain'. 
You'll feel dirty after playing this unpretentious funky showbiz ear battering classic.....i'm still scrubbing but the stench won't leave my skin,or my mind.Why won't it leave!? This must be what it was like to be arse-raped with an Oscar by Harvey Wankstain?
I suppose I should be posting some obscure Industrial cassettes from former Czechoslovakia, but this stuff is far more frightening, and far less fucking boring......and certain not to be reissued on Vinyl-On-Fucking-De-Fucking-mand.
I'd love to dig Marvin Hamlisch,the producer of this album, up to have a go at rearranging that 'NON: Rarities Box Set'(Only 150€ plus p&p from HERE!) with brass and string arrangements..maybe adding some lyrics from Hamlisch's classically terrible "A Chorus Line" as the cherry on top......now that's what I call 'Subversive'.Non?

Tracklist:

I Believe In Music 3:37
Use Me 3:39
I'd Love You To Want Me 3:36
Oh, Babe, What Would You Say? 3:31
You're So Vain 3:30
Where Is The Love 2:49
The Singer 2:31
Don't Let Me Be Lonely Tonight 3:51
Dancing In The Moonlight 3:19
You Are The Sunshine Of My Life 2:36
Baby Don't Get Hooked On Me 2:52

DOWNLOAD with a dee HERE!

Various Artists ‎– "The American Song-Poem Christmas: Daddy, Is Santa Really Six Foot Four? (Bar/None Records ‎– BRN-CD-147) 2003

Ho! Ho! fucking Ho!
Indeedy, Americans sure know what Christmas is all about.
Without Christmas we wouldn't have these prime nuggets of  pure awfulness that manage to make the yuletide festivities even worse.
These tunes aren't as bad as a christmas song by someone like Meat Loaf, accompanied by a video with our loud fat friend dressed up as Santa. As Santa is an anagram of Satan, there has to be a special corner of Hell where this Meat Loaf xmas exists on an eternal loop......but as Hell is only, vaguely, mentioned twice in the whole bible, I'm confident that we are safe from that......for want of a better word....Nonsense!
These tunes from the MSR Song-Poem company, are unbelievably bad, but the right kind of 'Bad', that is....er...Good!?
If you didn't know, MSR were a bunch of musicians who advertised in the US press classified section, offering to put your poems to music.The lucky punter would then receive a vinyl single of their atrocious poem ,indeed, put to music.Quality control was obviously a secondary matter,as they had to arrange a few standard riffs and fit these terrible lyrics into some kind of melody,then record it,in little more time than it took to play the finished single.I shall be returning to the vast MSR archives in the near future,but this jolly Yuletide jamboree of shite will more than wet your appetite for more,jaw dropping badness in 2020!
So gather around your christmas table and sing-a-long to "Randy, The Li'l Elf" or the inexblicable "Santa Came On A Nuclear Missile", and bin off Crosby for another year.

Tracklist:

1 –Heather Noel - Santa Came On A Nuclear Missile 2:44
2 –Bobby Boyle With The Singers - Santa Claus Goes Modern 2:17
3 –Norris The Troubador,Seaboard Coastliners - Christmas Time Philosophy 2:33
4 –Dick Kent With The Lancelots - A New Year's Dawning 3:47
5 –The Sisterhood - The Rocking Disco Santa Claus 2:16
6 –Stan Beard - & The Swinging Strings - Snowbows 2:18
7 –Bobbie Boyle With The MSR Singers - Randy, The Li'l Elf 1:40
8 –Rodd Rogers - Maury, The Christmas Mouse 3:19
9 –Randall Reed With The Forerunners - The Peppermint Stick Man 2:23
10 –The Sisterhood - Christmas Treat, Peppermint 2:26
11 –Kay Brown - Daddy, Is Santa Really Six Foot Four? 3:06
12 –Rodd & The Librettos - How Do They Spend Christmas In Heaven 3:24
13 –The Sisterhood - Ole Year Christmas 2:28
14 –Gene Marshall - Evelyn Christmas 2:50
15 –Rodd & Nita - Jolly, Jolly Santa Claus 3:20
16 –Sonny Cash - Merry Christmas Polka 2:24
17 –Rodd & Judy - Santa Fix My Toys For Christmas 2:54
18 –The Sisterhood - Baby, It's A Cold Night In December 2:10
19 –Rodd Rogers - & The Librettos - Santa Claus Goes Modern 2:23
20 –Cara Stewart With Lee Hudson Orchestra - The New Year Song 3:17
21 –Teri Summers & The Librettos - Season's Greetings 2:03

DOWNLOAD the true spirit of christmas HERE!

Flamingo /Фламинго ‎– "Вокально-Инструментальный Ансамбль/Vocal-Instrumental Ensemble «Фламинго»" ( Мелодия ‎– Д-30743) 1971

From the group that gave us "This Is Our Soul",Flamingo had the privilege of having a release granted on the CCCP's state label Melodija.
Recorded in glorious Mono during 1971 while the group was on tour in the USSR.It was the hottest gig in town,and it would be very interesting to see what the tour itinery was;there were probably riots in Siberia when Flamingo hit town.Something akin to catching The Sex Pistols at Manchester Lesser Free Trade Hall in '76,or Bill Haley and his comets in Coventry back in '58.
All tracks are sung in the Czech language,and is admissable evidence that English is certainly the Lingua Franca of Pop to the exclusion of all other languages.For example you won't find an English,man singing an English folk song in Polish would you,and Pop music is basically modern Anglo-American Folk music....innit?

Ahhh bless 'em, they tried their level best to bring Soul to the peasants and povo's*(*East Midlands slang word for poor people) of the Soviet Union,while at the same time amusing us arrogant western arseholes of the 21st century. It's a two edged blade of fun is their version of 'Our Soul'.They almost made it 'Their Soul'...but.....naaaah! And aren't we glad they didn't?

Tracklisting:

A1: “Dívčí král” – cover version of “Never Marry A Railroad Man”
A2: “Měsíční pán” – cover version of “Cracklin’ Rosie”
A3: “Růžová pentle”
A4: “Tento mladík” – cover version of “Spooky”
A5: “Opatruj svých sedmnáct”
B1: “Mít pouhej tejden” – cover version of “Good Morning Freedom”
B2: “Michael” – cover version of “Michael And The Slipper Tree”
B3: “Agnes”
B4: “Pštrosí pera” (instrumental)

DOWNLOAD czech versions of Our Soul HERE!

Martin Denny ‎– "A Taste Of India" (Liberty ‎– LST-7550) 1968

I mentioned Martin Denny in the Emil Richards 'Journey To Bliss' post,so, here's Martins short foray into Psychsploitation under the guise of Exotica discovers a Taste of India.
I first discovered Martin Denny thanks to Throbbing Gristles obsession with the recorded works and style of the master of Exotica. His steamy tropical fusion of western easy listening with a stylised polyneasian feel,characterised by the cover photo's of sultry models of indeterminate ethnicity invariably peeking through a bamboo screen.Performing soft arrangements of popular songs with an odd instrument or two from Hawaii or places in Asia and the South Pacific such as conch shells, Indonesian and Burmese gongs, Japanese kotos, boobams and even the local forest animals and so in serendipity blended ingredients of Easy Listening, Jungle Noise, Smooth Jazz, Polynesian "Tiki" instrumentation, that would become Mr. Denny's musical signature sound: Exotica.
His version of The Strawberry Alarm Clock's "Incence and Peppermints" actually makes this pretty inoffensive pop tune just a tad weirder.You could now imagine a drug crazed serial killer chopping up a body and packing it into a suitcase with this playing in the background.Probably the attraction that Genesis P. Orridge found in this strange blend, he being also obsessed with Killers like the oft-mentioned Chuck Manson. The Moors Murderers in particular were especially fond of Ray Conniff, as they played his version of "The Little Drummer Boy" when they tortured Leslie Anne Downey.This is music for Psychopaths who couldn't be bothered to travel anywhere.
"Why do I need to see the Taj Mahal when I've got the music?"
Its the cheap alternative to flying,and far more greener.
Tourism is destroying the things the tourists want to go and see.At least with a Martin Denny album you get to imagine the Pyramids or Machu picchu without dropping your water bottles and eroding these places of enormous cultural importance,and keep your carbon footprint firmly in the managable zone......but then again, Who Cares!!? We're at the tipping point and its TOO LATE TO DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT!!!

ps...BUT you can still help and save the Pangolin before we're extinct...click here!

Tracklist:

A1 Indrani
A2 Amy's Theme
A3 It Must Be Him
A4 Hypnotique
A5 A World Of Whispers
A6 Incense And Peppermints
B1 Yellow Bird
B2 Tara's Theme
B3 Live For Life
B4 Meditation (Meditacáo)
B5 Our Summer Love
B6 A Touch Of India (Pearl Of The Sea)

DOWNLOAD a tasty Indian HERE!

Gabor Szabo And The California Dreamers ‎– "Wind, Sky And Diamonds" (Impulse! ‎– AS-9151) 1967

If there was anything funnier than seeing butch professional working class Geordie Eric Burdon 'turning on and tuning in' with his hilarious 'New' Animals project (Whose four albums are a consistent laugh a minute), its hearing Erics biggest psychedelic era 'hit' 'San Franciscan Nights' being covered by Gabor Szabo backed up by ex-Ray Coniff singers, The California Dreamers;who had also seemingly 'Turned on and Tuned In', and told Ray to shove his easy listening miesterwerks where the sun don't shine.
They rebeled by making soft psychedelic sunshine pop (aka Easy Listening with paisley neckerchiefs) backing vocals for jazz also ran bandwagon jumpers in suits and ties.
That should show Ray Coniff a thing or two.
My earliest musical memory was hearing 'A Day In The Life'(Beatles version I may add!) on the Jimmy Young Show on BBC Radio 1 when one was about three. It frightened the living bejeeesus out of me,and had nightmares about the Beatles coming to get me.The Beatles in my dream were all dressed in Leather,like in the Hamburg years.I Couldn't believe it when I first saw the pictures of the Fab Five in Hamburg....exactly as I had imagined them!? Horrifying!
 The version by Gabor and the California Nightmares manges to squeeze every ounce of drama,psychedelia, and danger out of the Sergeant Pepper classic,and leave just a dry lifeless husk behind.....it takes some special kind of insipid anti- talent to be able to turn out some flavourless product thats akin to a platter of beige unseasoned cous cous.
The punks hated The Beatles,but never did anything to flesh these emotions out,whereas Szabo and the gang manage to make the fab four irrelevent in the very same year they released their concept album that launched a thousand dreary clones.
Erstwhile Sitar mate Bill Plummer, makes an appearance on the neutralising of Jefferson Airplanes "White Rabbit";but nothing neuitralised the psych legend of the Airplane more than the fact that they eventually morphed into Starship,who were unforgiveably responsible for giving the world "We Built This City"(on Rock'n'Roll)...for which they should be put on trial for, declared incredibly GUILTY,then sentenced to a lifetime of listening to non-stop world music and French Reggae.
This dazzling display of Lysergic anti-venom, is astonishing in its power to neutralise anything meaningful and makes pointlessness seem like a desirable career path.
But why then do I love it?....I'm kind of jealous of its bland power and ability to dispel the myth of the Narcisistic fools who made the original tunes,and paint over the colours of the Psychedelic bandwagon with two coats of magnolia matt emulsion......Dare to be Bland.

Tracklist:

A1 San Franciscan Nights 3:18
A2 A Day In The Life 3:20
A3 Twelve-Thirty (Young Girls Are Coming To The Canyon) 3:00
A4 To Sir With Love 2:28
A5 White Rabbit 2:30
A6 Guantanamera 3:09
B1 Saigon Bride 2:10
B2 The End Of Life 2:55
B3 Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds 3:44
B4 Are You There? 3:31
B5 W.C. Fields 3:40

DOWNLOAD some WSD the opposite of LSD HERE!

Bob Summers / Mike Curb ‎– "Teenage Rebellion(OST)" (Sidewalk ‎– T 5903) 1967

I can't resist any exploitation records, be it Blaxsplotation, Punxsploitation,Bikersploitation,or,my personal favourite...Psychsploitation.
Invariably made by some very unhip and terminally square daddio's dropping hip talk wherever and whenever they could into the clueless and unresearched scripts,these records and films were a cynical exploitation, not of the teenagers, who wouldn't be seen dead with a copy of "Psych-Out" in their record collections;but of the parents and librarians who read about girls jumping out of windows thinking they could fly,and drug fuelled sexy orgies in the National Enquierer.
Mike Curb was a future Republican Party politician,who made a bit of spare cash exploting youth cults, mainly Biker movies,but he did dabble in Psychedelia,and this fuzz-soaked but hilariously Naffola soundtrack and movie was the result.
King of the Fuzz guitar, Davie Allan, provides the great guitar work, in between Mike Curb's sensationalist warnings about what the 'Now Generation' were getting up to in 1967....mainly, Prostitution, Homosexuality,Godless Sex Orgies, and loadsa loadsa drugs.
I especially like how being Gay is dismissed as some kind of Teenage Revolt that has been chosen.They'll be ok again when they're 21.
I guess all this titilating nonsense was designed to send dad running to the bathroom with some Kleenex,or Mum to retire early to bed with uncomfortable fantasises of lost youth,and a Harold Robbins novel.
One thing's for sure,the Now Generation of yesterday would either have ran as fast as possible to the nearest 'Pot Party', or laughed.
"Hey Pops,i'm Gay,and a prostitute and i'm going to a drug feulled sex orgy...and you ain't invited".......oh lordy, the modern generation huh?

Tracklist:
A1 Teenage Rebellion 1:42
A2 Orgy Around The World 2:11
A3 The Geisha Girl 2:10
A4 The French Kiss 1:36
A5 The Young World 1:30
B1 Pot Party 2:15
B2 A Young Girl's Mistake 2:18
B3 The Call Girl 1:04
B4 The Gay Teenager 1:58
B5 Make Love Not War 1:37

DOWNLOAD some belated rebellion into ya you square daddio's HERE!

Marcy Tigner ‎– "Trombone" (Christian Faith Recordings ‎– 351) 1961

Big Marcy, you know, the one that provided the voice for Little Marcy the Christian Evangelist puppet, had a musical career Before Little Marcy, or BLM as we say in the record obsessives world.
She was a whizz on the Trombone,and turned this rarely heard solo brass instrument into a magical scepter that changed all Hymns and other Christian tunage into the alternative soundtrack for 'Eraserhead'. David lynch took years, and spent millions of Dollars to try and make surreal movies and music, but Big Marcy could effortlessly create a surreal universe with just a few effortless puffs on the Trombone.
She wouldn't have been out of place as part of the band that played on as the Titanic slipped beneath the waves.Unfortunately she wasn't on that ill fated ocean vessel.She was born a few years afterwards, and lived on to inflict the demonic puppet 'Little Marcy' onto the innocent children of America.
Abandon all hope yee who enter and hear the creepy horn driven muzak of Big Marcy.
Rest in peace Marcellaise “Marcy” Hartwick Tigner, so that we godless masses can live in peace before we are sent to the next Hell where your Trombone and Little Marcy records play for eternity at ear bleeding volume!.

Tracklist:

A1 My Jesus, I Love Thee
A2 Close To Thee
A3 Jesus Is All The World To Me
A4 Saviour, Thy Dying Love
A5 Abide With Me
A6 No Longer Lonely
B1 All That Thrills My Soul
B2 Oh, How I Love Jesus
B3 Harbored In Jesus
B4 We Shall See His Lovely Face
B5 Near To The Heart Of God
B6 Day By Day

DOWNLOAD and hear the trombone that brought down the walls of Jericho....Kansas....HERE!

James Last ‎– "Non Stop Dancing 1973" (Polydor ‎– 2371 319) 1972

If there's one thing Germany does better than efficient transport systems, reliable cars, and......sorry, can't help it.....start world wars. It's 'prime cheese' like James Last, the Schlager king of Europe. 
In the midst of all the inspid funk-less naff-ness, there were some moments of accidental musical subversion; a prime example being the opening medley of glam rebel anthems from the likes of Hawkwind,T-Rex, and Alice Cooper. No-one quite had the rare talent to squeeze every drop of Rock'n'Roll out of a tune like James Last.Draining all life from these mildly rebellious ditties with his vapidly anemic arrangements. This medley did far more to destroy the Rock monolith than Punk Rock ever did.The Punks boasted of making those Rock Dinosaurs extinct by, ironically, and falsely, as it turned out; playing 'Rock'?!......James Last did it by sucking out rock'n'roll's blood like a muzak vampire,and spewing it down the toilet of populism.Not that i can ever imagine anyone actually dancing to this, "Non-Stop Dancing 1973",(released in 1972...uh?), was basically a Schlager version of Yes's "Tales From Topographic Oceans", the end of Rock.......the death rattle being 'Punk Rock'.After that fizzled out in 1978, it was all showbiz from then on as intelligence went underground.
Hearing Lemmy's vocals on Silver Machine replaced by a limp brass section is nothing short of hilarious,beaten only by the cabaret club guitar solo,and the canned audience noise. It's up there with The Residents version of "Satisfaction" for anti-rock power. James also manages to murder the shit out of all my glam heroes. Slade, T-rex and Glitter all get the 'last'treatment. Alice Coopers' teenage angst anthem,gets transported, rightly, back into the silly showbiz bracket that Alice /Vince himself has inhabited since,well...since 1973!
This was intended as party music in the seventies(not that I'd want to go any party that played this in 1973) , for different reasons than it is now. Now it should be called "Non-stop Laughter 1973".
Thank you Germany for your continued atrocities against humanity like the musical Zyklon B that is Schlager!Sometimes we all need a reminder about why we had to go and do it ourselves and this is it! Accidentally great stuff.

Tracklist:

Potpourri(4:50)
Silver Machine;Children Of The Revolution;School's Out
Potpourri(4:38)
Hello-A;Black And White;Standing In The Road
Potpourri(4:29)
Easy Livin';Coming Closer;Popcorn
Potpourri(3:29)
Run To Me;The Guitar Man
Potpourri(4:20)
I'm On My Way;Michaela;Viva España
Potpourri(5:07)
Mama Weer All Crazee Now;Long Cool Woman; In A Black Dress;Pop That Thang
Potpourri(4:42)
Sylvia's Mother;Join Together;Bottoms Up
Potpourri(4:50)
Nothing;Theme From Shaft;Thunder And Lightning
Potpourri(3:09)
Goodbye To Love;Baby Don't Get Hooked On Me
Potpourri(4:29)
Wig-Wam-Bam;Let's Dance;Rock And Roll, Part 2.

DOWNLOAD two sides of schlager and a packet of crisps please HERE!

Dislocation Dance ‎– "Music Music Music" (New Hormones ‎– ORG 15) 1981

The title of this LP by Mancunian Indie-Jazz combo, Dislocation Dance, should really have been 'Muzak Muzak Muzak' and played in shopping malls everywhere,the BBC2 afternoon test-card, with the odd daytime TV theme tune thrown in.Very pleasant it is too, in a Herb Alpert and his Tijuana Brass meets Belle and Sebastian kind of way.
It comes from around the time that groups like Weekend, and Everything but the Girl were polluting the proto-indie stream with their Jazzy Pop blandness.This at least has something spookily strange about its post-punk easy listening vibe, and if it was less 'cool' would have not been out of place being spun in the chill-out rooms of clubbing culture in the nineties.If this was by the Harvey Averne Dozen I would have bought it for the second time around in 1995.
A weird fact is that is was released on the label that kick started the DIY boom, the Buzzcocks' New Hormones, and features Andy Diagram of the wonderful Diagram Brothers, moonighting, on the Trumpet.
They were in fact a lot less polished than this,and a tad more Post-Punky and funky when they appeared on the classic UK DIY Manchester Musicians Collective compilation "Four Ways Out" only the year previously.How fast things moved in them thar days?

Tracklist:

A1 Stand Me Up
A2 Don't Knock Me Down
A3 YOPS Course
A4 Meeting Mum And Dad
A5 Friendship
A6 Take A Chance (On Romance)...
A7 ...Have A Chance
B1 Roof Is Leaking
B2 With A Smile On Your Face And A Frown In Your Heart
B3 Vendetta (Theme)
B4 Narrow Laughs
B5 Footloose
B6 Can't Race Time... And The Mad Killer (Coda)
B7 Wonder What I'll Do Tomorrow

Bonus Tracks:

15 Rosemary (7" single)

16 Shake (B-Side)

17 Can't Race Time....& The Mad killer (12" Version)

18 You'll Never Know (7" Single)

19 You Can Tell (B-Side)

DOWNLOAD some Muzak Muzak Muzak HERE!

Weekend ‎– "The '81 Demos" (Vinyl Japan ‎– TASKCD 47) 1995/1981

Cravats, Ray Bans, beige slacks, stools.....the sitting on variety, not the specimens one provides to a doctor.
Who do these Weekenders think they are?????.....The Style Council?
The Demo's that Weekend made were far less 'jazzy' than their debut LP, and as a result a lot more palatable.Dare one suggest that they sound like a more tuneful and dreamy Young Marble Giants?
These chaps could have easily been The Style Council if they had bothered.Instead they became 'Working Week',which is worse.

Tracklist:

1 Drumbeat 3:29
2 Red Planes 8:56
3 Nostalgia 5:26
4 Summerdays (Instrumental) 3:35

DOWNLOAD the found weekend HERE!

Weekend ‎– "La Varieté" (Rough Trade ‎– ROUGH 39) 1982

If Young Marble Giants flirted with Testcard music, then Alison Strattons' post-YMG group, Weekend, actually made Testcard music, disguised as parisienne café jazz......which is also Testcard Music I suppose?

Its some type of trendy indie spliced with the kind of limp jazz that plays in the background of pretentious restaurants.Its quite pleasant and inoffensive, but who wants to be that?

Again this is the kind of wet student music that Cherry Red specialised in at this time; the Pillows and Prayers crowd. Rough Trade should have swapped this lot for the Nightingales, who didn't really belong alongside Everything But The Girl and The Marine Girls.

Having said that, being an oficionado of Easy listening, I like it!
If this was a lost volume of Library music from some East-European TV station I would be praising it to the hilt; but as its some kind of attempt to be a retro-cool hybrid, it has to be treated as such. Recycling the past to an audience ignorant of what has gone before is basically a cop-out.If i wanted to listen to some mellow Café chic I'd dig out an old Antonio Carlos Jobim and Astrid Gilberto album.Which is a fuck of a lot better than this pale imitation by some welsh post-punk refugees.To think Spike used to be in Reptile Ranch?
There were lots of sterile bands like this around 1982,Blue Rondo,Carmel,Matt Bianco, Working Week, EBTG.....terrible stuff. This carried on evolving and we ended up with the uber-trendy 90's Acid Jazz format, as an alternative to the endless intravenous feed of House music.Luckily this led onto more interesting area's like Loungecore, Jungle, and the Incredibly Strange Music phenomenon.
As a reaction to Punk and NWOBHM, Weekend scores quite highly. The high point being Alison Stratton's reinvention as the new wave Astrid Gilberto, by singing in exactly the same style as she did in the Young Marble Giants. 

Tracklist:

1 The End Of The Affair 3:05
2 Weekend Stroll 3:23
3 Summer Days 2:53
4 Carnival Headache 2:51
5 Drum Beat For Baby 2:57
6 Life In The Day Of Part 1 3:49
7 Life In The Day Of Part 2 2:23
8 Sleepy Theory 2:52
9 Woman's Eyes 2:49
10 Weekend Off 3:20
11 Red Planes 4:46
12 Nostalgia 3:50

Bonus Tracks:

13 A View From Her Room (12 Inch Version) 8:11
14 Leaves Of Spring 2:40
15 Past Meets Present 3:38
16 Midnight Slows 2:03
27 Drum Beat For Baby (12 Inch Version) 4:17

DOWNLOAD the weak end of post-punk HERE!

Young Marble Giants ‎– "Testcard E.P." (Rough Trade ‎– RT 059) 1980

It says, on the sleeve :"Six instrumentals in praise and celebration of mid-morning television made and played by: Stuart Moxham and Philip Moxham".
Which accurately sums up the music.
Nowadays, mid-morning Television consists of cookery programmes, and Insipid grinning presenters talking about Irrital Bowel Syndrome and vaginal discharges.
Back in the seventies and early eighties, there was no television before mid-day, and only three channels.
There were some 'programmes for Schools' on ITV, including the excellent 'Picture Box'(complete with creepy theme tune) presented by some creepy bloke.
But, on BBC1 and 2, except for 'Playschool' at about 11am, we were treated to 'The Testcard' which looked pretty much like the front of this record sleeve;most of the time with a weird picture of a little girl playing noughts and crosses(tik-tak-toe for our very silly american viewers) with a toy clown.(Re-live this experience, including music by clicking HERE!)
Accompanying this were endless streams of inoffensive background music which became weirder the more one listened to it on those days when we kids skipped school or were 'ill'.
In the mid-nineties i don't think I listened to anything else except library music, easy listening, and exotica(there were clubs where this stuff was danced to!).....it seemed a subversive antidote to the music of the hive mind that poisoned the planet, and is STILL here today!!!!????
Good to see that YMG were there in 1980,revolting against the post-punk mainstream with the power of 'Easy'.Nothing would get an Exploited fan more irate.
Alison Stratton had left to form Weekend, so this was the fitting vocal-less swansong for YMG.

Tracklist

A1 Clicktalk 2:40
A2 Zebra Trucks 1:27
A3 Sporting Life 1:10
B1 This Way 1:37
B2 Posed By Models 2:17
B3 The Clock 1:35

DOWNLOAD some mid-morning muzak HERE!