BLACK MAMA, WHITE MAMA

Since Danny gave such a fun review of BIG BAD MAMA, I asked him to share his comments on another MAMA movie classic. (This review is also from 2007) Take it away Danny... BLACK MAMA, WHITE MAMA aka WOMEN IN CHAINS (1972, Eddie Romero) simply put, starts out like an episode of CHARLIE'S ANGELS, but then withers into a JOSIE & THE PUSSYCATS cartoon gone awfully awry. 

It begins with our heroines (Black Mama Pam Grier and White Mama Margaret Markov) arriving at the prison somewhere in Central America (although, for some reason most of the extras look Filipino!!!). They are soon treated to a shower where the "meaner of the two mean lesbian matrons" watches the girlie inmates shower and frolic, like that scene in PORKY'S. 

After freshening up, the girls all report to their bunks...and it turns out prison in Central America isn't so much punishment as it is a slumber party! The "meaner of the two mean lesbian matrons" calls on Black Mama that first night, but Pam clearly shows that she doesn't swing that way. This was way before THE L WORD, though I'm not sure she swings that way there either.

The story is totally different when White Mama goes to see miss "meaner of the two mean lesbian matrons" -  Pam calls her out on it and she simply replies, "you had you chance."  I agreed.  Then there were these two sets of bad guys and they wanted something or other from either White Mama or Black Mama...and they all seemed to really, really like the Filipino-looking extras.  

Anyway, for some reason the Mamas were being transferred (maybe to the Tea Party prison?), and we all knew something was going to go all wrong.  I was sure a tidal wave was gonna come and knock the bus over, thus releasing our heroines (I don't know, maybe it's because the location had that miniature look to it...) everyone else thought it would be a train wreck, like in THE FUGITIVE or an "accident" like in ANOTHER 48 HOURS, but nobody guessed it would be the old "yak in the road" ploy! 

Yeah, there's a yak and the bus stops and there's shooting and both mean lesbian matrons get shot dead (as usual)... and our heroines escape, chained together!!! Black Mama tugs on the chain and White Mama says, "I'm not a yo-yo!". Well, she's not!

So they fight, walk through a stream, wrestle, get attacked by a fat guy ( whom they kill and burn up) and lots of other stuff.
But most of all, they learn to get along. Meanwhile, those two sets of bad guys keep tracking them and wanting something from each of them while they continue to enjoy the Filipino girlie extras, of which there seems to be an endless supply. I hope they at least got paid in craft services.

So, finally one set of guys finds the girls, releases them from each other and takes them to a pier where the other set of guys is waiting!!! There's gun fire, things blow up good, Black Mama gets on a boat and White Mama is shot dead. Oops - did I give away the ending? Sorry. The End. Looking forward to the sequel, BLACK MAMA, BIG BAD WHITE MAMA!

Doug gives this one a 6 outta 10. Not great, but enjoyable in small doses.

The Happy Hooker Returns

Here's a post from two years ago...in honor of the late Lynn Redgrave. Since it was Feb. 14th and my other half was out of town, I decided to give myself a special Valentine's Day treat. What's more romantic than Lynn Redgrave as THE HAPPY HOOKER (1975, directed by Nicholas Sgarro)? After GEORGY GIRL, but before HOUSE CALLS the TV series, Lynn decided to star in the first of three theatrical films based on the book by real-life hooker Xaviera Hollander. Interestingly, while her sister Vanessa was appearing in high-profile films like MURDER ON THE ORIENT EXPRESS and JULIA, Lynn was playing the world's most famous madame. Wonder if they had the same agent?

The dvd starts off promising with a 20th Century Fox logo, followed by a MGM logo (MGM makes great movies, right?) but then the dreaded Cannon Group logo appears and we know we are in for some good, trashy fun. It starts off with a bang as the title theme song "Put Yourself in My Hands" is sung by Mary Olga and goes like this:
"I can make you happy
I can turn you on
Bring me all your troubles
Soon they'll be gone
Put yourself in my hands baby
Whatever you want me to do...I'll do
Put yourself in my hands baby
I'll know how to handle you"

It's Christmastime at the police station and all the hookers are there including April Jones, May Smith and Aurora Goldberg they all give their address as 328 West 80th, except a weepy housewife from White Plains - and presenting Miss Xaviera Hollander!

Flashback to the origin of The Happy Hooker - several years earlier she arrives in America from Holland, fresh-faced and ready to get married...only she's left waiting at the airport. She tells us in voiceover that she "was just a girl who crossed the ocean for a man". When the man (named Carl Gordon) finally arrives, he's gross and rude. He even makes her carry the heavy luggage.


















Then they have sloppy sex while his mother bangs on the wall of the apartment next door. She serves him tiger's milk and yeast as he admires his ugly self in the mirror. He's also on an all-meat diet. What does young X see in this freak? Okay - his apartment is fabulous with a great view. Carl's mom arrives soon to make the bed and see how long X plans on staying....she tells Mrs Gordon that she's Carl's fiancee. Mrs. Gordon is decidedly non-plussed.

Later, at dinner, we learn that Carl calls his mom by her first name, Cheryl. Carl's dad falls asleep at the dinner table and Cheryl is mean to her maid Rosita...and starts insulting X about her weight. GEORGY GIRL flashback? Rosita tries to serve a raw steak to Carl, while Cheryl continues to insult X about everything including the fact that she's from Holland - Carl decides to stay with mother as X marches out the door in a huff. So much for love and marriage.

Back in the present X gets to meet the little ladies of the night in the holding cell. Back to the past, X gets her first apartment and is shown around by a rough young blond who dresses like the Brawny lumberjack who tries to rape her when she offers him a drink. Men are pigs!

Soon X hits the single bars scene where she meets "every Tom, Dick and Harry with a pleasant face and tolerable manner". One her tricks has spent the night. He's dressed like a lawn jockey. Huh?
















Next there's another scene at the city jail where all the tough, sassy black hookers start to harass X as funky soul music plays in the background. Another flashback shows X working at the Dutch consulate - and is trying to type something, but obviously her fingers are meant for other activities. A rich French guy asks her to translate a letter from Dutch for him. "It might as well be Chinese!" If only. I think Frenchie invites X to dinner or something, cause soon they are walking through Central Park and she's dressed like a Pierrot - a French clown! Maybe Frenchie has a clown fetish, because before you know it they are post-coital and embarking on a cruise on his yacht. On the boat we meet Frenchie's snobby, bitchy rich friends - this is starting to remind me of THE LAST OF SHEILA. Wonder who'll get murdered?












Soon X is getting a foot massage from Frenchie and one of his lady friends - Madelaine. After a few days of getting gifts and treats from Prince Frenchie Charming, he gives her an envelope of cash for the pleasure she's given him. "You make me feel like a whore!" and she slaps him. He tells her that she deserves to be spoiled by men. And so, Frenchie gives her number to his friends and she makes the transition "from office girl to working girl".

Tom Poston plays an executive who orders her to get on a boardroom table and strip for him and two other guys as he places money on the table from a suitcase. X is wearing black lace bar and panties with garter belts and fishnet stockings. Her long, stringy hair reminds me of the Sea Hag from Popeye cartoons. He stops her right before she's about to moon him. Then she gives him a stock market report full of double entendres as she slowly puts her clothes back on. He likes this. It makes me feel incredibly uncomfortable.













X rides her bike around the city in various silly outfits. She keeps all her hooker earnings in a cookie jar. A Rutger Hauer-ish looking cop comes to visit her. He inspects her apartment without a search warrant, commenting on her collection of booze and looking for pot. He's on to her hooking ways...and then HE tries to rape her!!! Cops are pigs! Well, men cops, anyway.

Next she dresses real hooker-ish with frosted pink lipstick and fake mole to attend a Park Avenue cocktail party where everyone is dressed in fashion atrocities of the 1970s including one call girl in a macrame dress and another one wearing dozens of pearl necklaces. Not to be outdone, the hostess, Madame Madelaine (played fabulously by the amazingly named Lovelady Powell) dons a stunning sky-blue caftan. We next witness a redhead (the late, great Broadway legend Anita Morris) being made into a human banana split. Madelaine gives X some sage advice: "You don't dress like a hooker in whorehouse!" Best line so far.


















A racist Southern whore (Anita Morris- again?) refuses to do a three-way with a client and a black whore, so X decides to do a slow seductive dance with Aurora to show that she's not prejudiced against blacks nor lesbians (as the sexy song called "One to One" plays). Next X dons a CABARET wig for a hairy client named Harry who dresses in leather, and calls his wife on the phone as X and his German Shepherd bark in the background. A true success, X decides to set out on her own, taking some of Madeline's girls with her and the clients followed. She rides her bike in her fur and leads the hookers in a daily jog. She must be successful, cause she's so eccentric!
















Back in the present - the black hookers yell thing like "bet you ain't got no black ass turning tricks in your high-class fucking house" at X and her posse. New best line so far.
















One of the hookers declares that she thinks Bert and Ernie are fags. Meanwhile, the dirty cop continues to stalk X. Madelaine and X negotiate a business deal over tea and Madelaine announces that she's pregnant from a trick! She asks, "Do you think an old whore could be a good mother?" Okay, newest best line!

At X's Christmas party, Carlos (super-hot Guillermo Irizarry in his one and only acting role to date) the whore house boy entertains us by wearing tight pants and a half shirt, while Vincent Schiavelli gets entertained by a whore who sings "The Happy Hooker" song to him. Meanwhile, Anita Morris gets covered with whip cream, which is washed off by champagne. Three guys wearing Christmas corsages (one has a unibrow) turn out to be undercover cops and bust the girls even after X tries to make it seem like all she serves is drinks. Nice try, X. This is actually a great scene and Lynn's performance here is outstanding.

So back to the present - the hookers are bailed out of jail and a group of little kids follow them down the street "You're all little boys," X says to the shopkeeper who chases the kids away...as "Put Yourself in My Hands" returns to amuse us one last time. After all, it is Christmas! The end.

I gotta say, this was far better than I expected it to be. Lynn Redgrave is so much fun to watch and despite it being about sex workers, there is very little sex and nudity in the film. Actually all the sex scenes take place after the actual sex has happened, and the only two nude scenes feature Anita Morris.



















I'm sure the real true story of Xaviera Hollander (pictured here with Lynn) is a bit more racy and must have had some dark moments, but THE HAPPY HOOKER actually made me feel "happy". Far better than PRETTY WOMAN, but not as good as THE BEST LITTLE WHOREHOUSE IN TEXAS. I give it 7 outta 10 big hooker with a heart of gold "Huhs?" Happy Valentine's Day! SWAK!

"Your high-class fucking house". Still laughing out loud.

THE DAYDREAMER Dreams Again

THE DAYDREAMER (1966) is a recently re-discovered obscure feature by *Animagic* inventors Rankin-Bass (of RUDOLPH THE RED-NOSED REINDEER fame). The film opens with a likable title song by recently deceased Las Vegas crooner Robert Goulet and some great Al Hirschfeld caricatures of the all-star cast.

After the song (in a live action segment), we discover it's 1801 Denmark and we meet pathetic Papa Andersen the shoemaker (commie "witch hunt" victim Jack Gilford) and his young son Chris (15 year old Paul O'Keefe of THE PATTY DUKE SHOW) - who we soon discover ALWAYS wears the same snug red polyester tights and suspenders, even underneath his nightshirt! Papa is visited by Elmira Gulch herself when Margaret Hamilton comes a knockin' looking for her shoes, only Papa's such a rotten shoemaker that they are not fixed yet. We also suspect that Chris' mom left Papa cause he's such a loser. Gilford, usually very charming, seems as though he's reading from cue cards here.

After Papa tells him of the legendary Garden of Paradise, narcoleptic Chris is visited by an animated version of the Sandman (voiced by Cyril Ritchard)- who tells him that in order to be happy and successful he MUST find the Garden of Paradise. So Chris falls asleep on a boat - and is transformed into an living, breathing Animagic character! Only it doesn't last too long because his boat crashes and he drowns. The End.

So Chris is dead, and The Little Mermaid (voiced by Disney sweetheart Hayley Mills) discovers his lifeless body. After her father (Burl Ives, phoning it in as Father Neptune) tells her that there's no hope for Chris, she makes a deal with the fabulously goth Sea Witch (Talullah Bankhead, giving Pat Caroll's Ursula a run for her money) who brings Chris back to life. They then swim around and the "Ariel" falls in love with the formerly dead boy. He tells her to fuck off cause he's just not into her, besides he's got a garden to find. So he breaks her heart and wakes up all wet in a boat.

Back in the real world, Chris next befriends an ugly duckling. But then he falls asleep again, this time falling in with two conniving tailors (voiced by Terry Thomas and Victor Borge) who are busy designing the Emperor's New Clothes. Chris and the tailors pull a fast one on the narcissistic king (Ed Wynn), but get exposed themselves when a little kid alerts the townsfolk to their scheme. Chris then awakens (in the real world) and gets arrested for poaching a duck!!!

In the most bizarre live action sequence in the film - Chris is tied up bondage style and dragged through town while singing a show tune about being unlucky while back-up dancers perform an elaborate Fosse-like routine around him. The scene MUST be seen to be believed!

So Chris falls asleep again, this time he meets up with Thumbelina (voiced by Patty Duke as Neely O'Hara). Thumby shrinks him down to her size and the two meet up with a Rat (Boris Karloff) who pimps her out to a Mole, who plans on marrying Thumby. Meanwhile, they find a dead sparrow and Thumby touches it and covers it with her sweater. Didn't she ever hear that children shouldn't play with dead things??? Disturbing. Following a musical number by bats - the dead sparrow comes back to life because of Thumby's sweater. Huh? Somehow the wedding doesn't happen and Chris learns the valuable lesson that "your size has nothing to do with your true happiness." Hmmm...that's not what all those emails in my in-box say...

So eventually Chris gets to his Garden of Paradise - where there are cotton candy trees, monotone peacocks, butterflies, blue marshmallows and the Tree of Knowledge!!! He is told (by an off-screen voice) that he must not eat EVER the blossoms from the tree. This story is starting to sound awfully familiar.

After pledging that he won't eat the blossoms, Chris does a little dance - and is visited by a horny and devilish version of himself. Of course Horny Chris convinces our hero to eat the thing. So he eats it and after a fiery apocalyptic finale - he's banished to The Land of Nothingness!!! Wakes then up in reality, where Papa is arrested and shackled to Chris. Papa saves them both by bribing the warden with his wife's wedding ring. Guess Mama Anderson's not coming back after all. We then learn that Chris grows up to become Hans Christian Andersen!!! Wow...I did not see that coming!

(Not sure if the above photo of Danny Kaye has anything to do with this production, but I'm including it anyways).
I was really hoping to love this film. After recently watching MAD MONSTER PARTY? for Halloween and looking forward to my annual viewings of their Christmas TV classics, Rankin-Bass usually can do no wrong. But I think the uneven performances and choppy storytelling really make parts of this unwatchable. They probably thought they were making the next WIZARD OF OZ or MARY POPPINS - but ended up making something that would alternately bore and frighten little kids, their target audience. I'll give this one 6 outta 10 on my scale mostly for the awesome bondage musical number.

Two interesting notes: In another WIZARD OF OZ nod, Ray Bolger has a brief cameo as The Pie Man. Parts of THE DAYDREAMER were filmed on location at the Denmark Exhibit at the 1964 New York World's Fair.

Wacky Underwear

Cleaning out my files, I came across this groovy vintage ad from the 1970s.

Return to the Chicken Ranch...

I swear I'm not getting lazy...just really busy, okay?I was in the mood for a musical - so after perusing my vast collection, I decided on THE BEST LITTLE WHOREHOUSE IN TEXAS! This 1982 adaptation of the Broadway smash (written and directed by Colin Higgins) was a box-office hit and is fondly remembered by fans of both Dolly Parton and Burt Reynolds. I have not seen this film since it's theatrical release, so I decided to revisit it 25 years later (with an open mind). Oh yeah - it's based on a true story! Yee-ha!

Narrated by Jim Nabors as if he was hosting one of those Rankin-Bass Christmas specials, we learn all about the 150-year history of this "house of ill repute" through a rousing opening number, promising us that there's nothing dirty going on. I'm still amazed how happy, perky and clean the whores are...sadly, we never get to know any of them, they are just nameless ladies of the evening.

We soon meet our co-stars Burt & Dolly - At 46, Reynolds was still in pretty good post-Cosmo centerfold shape, and Dolly was at her peak following her stunning film debut in the comedy classic 9 TO 5 - and they do have a certain folksy chemistry. Reynolds plays Ed Earl, a sheriff and Dolly is Miss Mona, a madame who runs The Chicken Ranch - a very popular local brothel. These two have an ongoing affair and all seems pretty happy in whore-ville until we meet Houston-based peckerwood/electronic bounty hunter Melvin P. Thorpe (Dom DeLuise - looking slightly slimmer than usual), who stages a musical investigative report about the bordello on his "Watchdog Report" TV show.

Thorpe then brings his crusade to the town square and confronts Burt about taking payola and protecting the whores. Burt scares the be-jesus outta Thorpe and sends him packing (or so we think!). Burt celebrates by taking Dolly camping. They have a painfully long fireside heart-to-heart about spaceships, forgiveness, Jesus, politics, America, dreams, smiles, ballerinas, Dolly's tits, monogamy and other things whores routinely discuss with sheriffs.

The shit hits the fan later that night when Thorpe appears on the local 11:00 News with footage of Ed Earl cussing and firing a gun at him. The local gentry wants to calm the townfolk down and Burt agrees to talk to Dolly into closing down for two months. After a heated argument, Dolly agrees to shut it down. Only it's the day before the big Thanksgiving football game!!! The next day, the whores watch the game on TV as they decorate for the victory party and anticipate which team they are gonna get to screw.

Next up is the best locker room song & dance number ever filmed. Lots of jockstraps and fine naked asses, followed by shirtless shuffling in boxer shorts and tight jeans. Basically, it's Texas two-step night at Oil Can Harry's. And then the eventual bus ride to the Chicken Ranch. To create drama, the bus breaks down and the boys hitch a ride with an old geezer. Dolly and the whores are all awaiting - wearing prom gowns for the special occasion - but not for long! Luckily there was one black whore for the one black football player! (After all it is the south!) I strained my eyes to see if the Asian whore found a likewise Asian footballer. Couldn't tell. Then they all FUCK! Yay!

Jim Nabors shows up at Burt's and tells him that something dirty's going on at the Ranch even though Dolly promised. Of course, Thorpe shows up with camera crew and all hell breaks loose as half-naked whores and jocks battle Thorpe and his crew. What follows as another even more heated argument between Burt & Dolly - and Dolly accuses him of being a chicken-shit sheriff in a chicken-shit town!!! I love when Dolly uses swear words! Then he calls her a "whore" (which she is, kind of). Dolly later tells her housekeeper that she loves Burt. Awww...

The Chicken Ranch soon becomes a political hot potato as the townfolk and local politicos are divided about the issue. We soon meet Oscar-nominee Charles Durning, as the Governor - and his well-remembered musical tribute to political double-talk "Sidestep". The song is clever, reminding me of "One Foot In Front of Another" from SANTA CLAUS IS COMING TO TOWN - but something about Durning singing and dancing gives me a feeling of anguish. Can't explain why.

Burt and the Governor debate about the Ranch - but Gov. Durning declares to "Shut it down" after a poll claims that's what his people want. They we are "treated" to another rendition of "Sidestep" - this time with a marching band! Burt calls Dolly - apologizes for the other night and tells her to close it down...leading to my favorite Dolly Parton song ever - "Hard Candy Christmas" and some of the whores actually get a bit of airtime as they bid farewell to the cathouse they call home. The girls wave goodbye and board a Greyhound outta whore-ville and Dolly is left alone with her housekeeper. Back to narration by Jim Nabors (who's now the sheriff!).

After Dolly learns that Ed Earl went to the Governer to defend her and the whores, he pays her a visit. He tells Dolly he loves her - and she tells him she's loved him since she was 16! Then Dolly sings her chestnut "I Will Always Love You" a million times better than Whitney Houston could ever sing it! Burt then proposes marriage to Dolly (which she accepts), even though that might endanger his chances to be elected as a state legislator (he is elected anyway, after all this IS Texas!). Happy Hollywood Ending!!!

Of course, the stage play and this film take many liberties in telling the story of the infamous Chicken Ranch. For a more accurate version of the story, visit The Chicken Ranch! The real Melvin P. Thorpe, Marvin Zindler died recently at age 86.

I give this one a big 8 out of 10 "Huhs?" just for the candy-coated fictionalization of a real news story and for Burt's horrible singing. But there's nothing dirty going on!

Coach Revisited

Another rerun from last year.
Not to confused with the dreadful ABC sitcom of the 90s, COACH (1978, directed by Bud Townsend) is a dreadful PG-rated sexploitation film from my childhood. I remember watching (a surely edited-for-TV version of) it on the CBS Wednesday Night Movie and then talking with my Catholic school friends the next day about how great it was. THAT'S INCREDIBLE's perky Scientologist icon Cathy Lee Crosby stars as Olympic track & field champion Randy Rawlings, who leaves her job as an instructor in a 1970s equivalent to "Curves" to coach a boys basketball team at a private high school. Why not?

The movie opens with a soundless montage of Cathy running track, until she bursts through the finish line and steps up to receive her Gold Medal as The Star-Spangled Banner plays. (It's public domain, so no royalty fees like that pesky Olympic music). Meanwhile, in the sleepy town of Granger, Keenan Wynn (or was it Denver Pyle? - I always get those crazy old coots mixed up!) is perplexed by his grandson's high school basketball team and their perpetual losing streak. So Keenan gets the schlep-y, non-athletic looking coach fired and selects his replacement through some amazing futuristic "computer" program. The computer determines that the Olympic track star Randy Rawlings has just the right qualifications. When Randy arrives, Western Union telegram in hand, everyone discovers that this star athlete is a woman!!! Not only that but, a sexy, liberated, blonde woman who doesn't own a bra! Prevented from firing her due to certain newly-passed anti-discrimination laws, Randy is given a chance to turn the teen-age losers into winners. But her job hinges on delivering a perfect season. If the team loses even one game, shes out on her sexy tight ass! Keenan later instructs his grandson to give her nothing but trouble.

Well, the boys (well, I'll call them "boys" despite that the actors look to be about mostly in 25-35 years old range) at Moose Knuckle High (according to our friend John W., a "Moose Knuckle" is the male equivalent of "Camel Toe"), don't take to kindly to having a woman coach, and they berate her with sexist remarks and gestures. She's the CTLF ("Coach They'd Like to Fuck"), but they don't want her telling them what to do. Always a pro, our Randy ignores their shenanigans and tells them she's there to kick some ass. She's even wearing an outfit that looks like her WONDER WOMAN costume from the aborted 1974 TV-movie pilot.

The team is a bunch of freak and geeks who don't have a clue how to win. There's the bookish nerd with glasses, the lanky scarecrow, the black guy, the albino with a receding hairline, the mildly-retarded rich kid and of course the school stud, Jack (future TERMINATOR star Michael Biehn), her star player and future sex partner. She earns the boys' respect by walking in on them while they are all naked in the shower and turning off the hot water, and forcing them stay under ice cold water for a minute. She learned this from her former coach, Alberto Gonzalez.

Then she proceeds to "coach" them by bringing in her superstar NBA buddy (or drug dealer) to teach the guys some professional moves. Before you know it, the team is playing better and Jack is playing WITH Randy's boobs! Never mind that's he's supposed to be like 17 and she's at least 35...and the fact that she's abusing her role as an adult in charge of "kids" by having sex with one of them. This issue never even comes up, as she and Jack fall in love through a series of montage images set to cheesy 70s music. Soon the rest of the boys grow to like Randy. Why they even let her join them in the "Hey Lahdy Lahdy" sing-along on the team bus. Awwww...

Meanwhile, there's an embarrassing and tedious subplot involving hypnosis, and how the boys are able to help get their gawky teammate to get better grades and play better ball whenever he hears the word "Jabberwocky". When Randy finds out about it, she tells the boys that if he can play like a pro under hypnosis, he can do it without it! But later when the team is losing a big game, she leads the entire gymnasium in chanting "Jabberwocky" so they can win. So basically, she sends the message that's it's okay to cheat. Great coach, what's next, steroids?
For a PG-rated film, we see plenty of flesh, including at least 4 pairs of females nipples (when co-eds flash the boys at a dull house party), a bunch of naked male butts (during the shower torture-scene) and lots of moose knuckles in satin shorts and tight jeans. I give this one 6 "Huhs?" just for it's spunkiness. It's basically an ABC Afterschool Special about statutory rape, without the drama, moral judgement and legal repercussions. In other words, it's just good, clean fun for an cougar to bed one of her students! This makes me wants to revisit LIFEGUARD starring Sam Elliot, another sexy CBS Wednesday Night Movie classic.

Our whole universe was in a hot dense state...

What is it about THE BIG BAND THEORY that makes it positively addictive? It it the spot-on casting? The witty geek-centric dialogue? The clever nerd-culture filled plotlines? The aggravating, yet endearingly neurotic Sheldon (Jim Parsons-at times channeling Felix Unger)? The adorably pathetic Leonard (Johnny Galecki)? The polar opposites of undersexed, but sexy Rajnesh (Kunal Nayyar) and oversexed, but unsexy Howard (Simon Helberg)? The sudden intrusion of smarter-than-you-think outsider Penny (Kaley Cuoco)? All the DC Comics references? Or is it the wonderfully ridiculous and informative theme song by Barenaked Ladies? Maybe it's just this photo of Sheldon and Leonard...

Well, whatever it is - it seems to be working for me. The fact that I'm watching a CBS three-camera comedy with a live audience/laughtrack is a scientific miracle within itself! Which causes me to pause and ask, have I finally entered the CBS middle-age demographic? What's next for me, GREATEST AMERICAN DOG?


THE BIG BANG THEORY theme lyrics:
Our whole universe was in a hot dense state,
Then nearly fourteen billion years ago expansion started. Wait...
The Earth began to cool,
The autotrophs began to drool,
Neanderthals developed tools,
We built a wall (we built the pyramids),
Math, science, history, unraveling the mysteries,
That all started with the big bang!


© Barenaked Ladies - The Big Bang Theory lyrics are copyrighted to their respective owners.
The Big Bang Theory song lyrics are restricted for educational and personal use only.

SANDY IN DISNEYLAND

Remember TV variety specials where you could get to see your favorite "stars" doing things they normally didn't do on TV-like perhaps singing, dancing or doing magic tricks? Back in the 1970s, it seemed like the networks would program such "specials" at least once a month - usually filling a timeslot vacated by a low-rated or cancelled show and starring a personality who already had a development deal with the network. Lynda Carter? Cheryl Ladd? Paul Lynde? These shows were primarily sponsored by one company, like Kraft (be sure to check this week's TV Guide magazines for more recipes!) or Burlington (hey, isn't that Petula Clark swinging on a rope?). Well, today I'm gonna look at one such special, from 1974 and sponsored by McDonald's, it's called "Sandy in Disneyland".

Sandy Duncan was the Nabisco Triscuits spokeswoman and an acclaimed Broadway musical comedy star from the early 70s. By 1974, she had starred in two short-lived CBS comedies. I believe the first one, FUNNY FACE, ended when Sandy had brain surgery and lost an eye. She came back the following year in a similar show called THE SANDY DUNCAN SHOW. I remember really liking her as a kid - but I'm not really sure why. Maybe it's because she was also a guest on THE NEW SCOOBY-DOO MOVIES - another CBS show. So it makes sense that this special aired on CBS, even though Disney was almost exclusively an NBC fixture back then.

The hour starts simply enough with Mickey Mouse taking a bow before an orchestra, who then all stand up and don "mouse ears" (canned laughter and applause begins here and continues CONSTANTLY throughout the show). The generic CBS voiceover guy announces "Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Sandy Duncan!" - who appears dressed in all white and glitter and begins singing a creepy song about being in love with Mickey - then Donald appears and she sings about all three of them being in love. Then Goofy and Winnie the Pooh (!) arrive, followed by the Seven Dwarfs and even the Casey Jr. Circus Train -and Sandy is totally IN LOVE with all of them. Rodents, fowl, dogs, bears, dwarves and man-made objects. Sick.

Then the voiceover guy returns to tell us that we're watching SANDY IN DISNEYLAND with guest stars: Ernest Borgnine, Ruth Buzzi, John Davidson, Lorne Greene, The Jackson Five, Ted Knight, Loggins & Messina (!) and Doc Severinsen...sponsored by McDonalds cause "you deserve a break today". Wow.Next up we see Sandy in Fantasyland outside the popular "It's a Small World" attraction, and she's trying to explain in her kooky way why Disneyland is so special. Thanks, Sandy. Then of course, she breaks into song: namely, her rendition of "Hi-Diddle-Dee-Dee (An Actor's Life for Me)" from PINOCCHIO (1940) - only she's backed up by characters from ALICE IN WONDERLAND. Huh?

Then magically she's in Frontierland - visiting the Country Bears and squawking her way through an annoying hillbilly song. One wonders how "song-and-dance" was ever used to described Sandy's talents. Sandy soon runs into BONANZA and BATTLESTAR GALACTICA patriarch Lorne Greene and suddenly she's Southern Belle (much like her later role in ROOTS, which also starred Lorne Greene!) and Lorne is a sophisticated and mature Rhett Butler - but it's then revealed that he's standing there in his boxer shorts! Remember when seeing somebody famous in their underwear was funny? It was usually Tim Conway, but Lorne Greene will do.

Next Sandy's inside "It's a Small World" - but suddenly, she's swept away to the Main Street Cinema where she's starring in "The Perils of Sandy" - a stupid sepia-toned homage to silent movies where women get tied to railroad tracks. Unfortunately she is rescued. Before you know it, Miss Duncan is leading a parade down Main Street. Curiously, Minnie Mouse is no where to be seen. Hmmm...

Next the Jackson Five appear and sing an embarrassing Gilbert & Sullivan parody leading into a pre-recorded medley of their two hit singles. Sandy does not interact with the Jacksons at all, leading one to suspect that she is as racist as her character Missy Anne in ROOTS.

Next up, Sandy and Ruth (LAUGH-IN) Buzzi pretend they are thieves who want to rob Haunted Mansion - while singing "Fortuosity" from the notorious Disney bomb THE HAPPIEST MILLIONAIRE (1967). They tour the mansion as if they have transformed themselves into Doombuggies, navigating by the conservatory, through the hallway of doors, down the stairs into the ballroom, the attic, and they wind up sitting on tombstones in the graveyard. This number is actually BETTER than the Eddie Murphy movie based on the ride, which isn't saying much.

Next up, Loggins & Messina (WHY are they here???) look bored and frankly, anguished to be performing a depressing song on Tom Sawyer Island. Then we are "treated" to a god-awful sketch featuring MARY TYLER MOORE SHOW's Ted Knight and Sandy on The Jungle Cruise filled with some of the most cornball jokes imaginable. One wonders if this inspired the sarcastic attitude that the tour guides now dish out on the ride.

How can we top that? How about Sandy and Cosmopolitan nude centerfold model John Davidson on Main Street wearing matching outfits singing about getting "roped and tied" - which I find completely disturbing. This is followed by Davidson poorly crooning the Carpenter's "Top of the World" as strangers' kids climb all over him.

Later, Sandy sings with Ernest Borgnine as they walk and paddle their way thru Pirates of the Caribbean -spelunking around the coves, through the golden treasure, and even the captain's quarters (with a skeleton in the bed!). After this debacle, Sandy buys a shawl in New Orleans Square (I surely did not know there was a shawl shoppe there!), and runs into THE TONIGHT SHOW's Doc Severenson and dances to Peggy Lee's "Fever" while a dozen shirtless guys in pink chaps back her up. What would Walt say???

Following this, Loggins & Messina are back - but this time in a comedy skit! The duo are playing duelling "Prince Charmings" to Ruth Buzzi's Sleeping Beauty in drag - only the prince in that story, actually had a name - Phillip. Charming was from SNOW WHITE...or was it CINDERELLA?.

As if that wasn't enough, Sandy and Lorne Greene soon are reunited for "an old-fashioned walk" all over the Primeval World diorama while singing a horrific duet. They interact with a baby Triceratops and even walk under the belly of a Tyrannosaurus! It's really odd to see "live" people interact with animatronics- especially when Sandy gets clubbed by a caveman. More wacky comedy!

In the final comedy segment, Ted and Ruth play a couple of annoying tourists. While Ruth blathers on about how she wishes he was more heroic, he manages to pull the "sword" out of the "stone" - only for some unknown reason it's not King Arthur's sword - but a Musketeer sword!!! What follows is a inane swordfight all over Sleeping Beauty Castle, as Ted fights off villains and rescues a fair maiden, even throwing a guy into the moat. Murder in Disneyland!

When you think you've just about seen (and heard) it all - Sandy's back all dressed in white singing "He Touched Me" from FUNNY GIRL... about Mickey Mouse!!!! This leads into her being a part of the Electrical Parade and concludes with a totally orgasmic fireworks show.

Wow - somehow I wonder WHO at Disney approved this mess. It seems like they just recklessly broke all the unwritten rules (except perhaps showing Mickey with his head off). Between mixing up songs and characters from across the Disney pantheon, and "interacting" with the attractions - it seems like somebody at Disney was asleep at the wheel. I don't think this could ever happen today. In one way, it was great to see what the park looked like in 1974 - but all the forced "entertainment" just seems to detract from the real magic of the park itself. All in all, I'll give it an 8, because it's totally a must-see for historical reasons alone. In fact, I'm really looking forward to seeing SANDY'S CHRISTMAS IN DISNEYLAND from 1976!!!

Other Duncan appearances in Disney productions: THE FOX & THE HOUND (1981), THE CAT FROM OUTER SPACE (1978), and THE MILLION DOLLAR DUCK (1971).

NIGHT NURSE

NIGHT NURSE (1931, directed by William A. Wellman) is a wacky pre-code melodrama about a very determined young lady named Lora Hart (played by a very young Barbara Stanwyck) who wanders in off the street into a hospital and asks for a job. An bitchy old nurse named "Miss Dillon" (I'll call her "Dildo") tells her to take hike. As luck would have it, Lora literally bumps into the hospital's chief of staff, Dr. Bell in a revolving door and he takes a shine to her, after he picks up the entire contents of her purse, he orders Dildo to hire her. Dildo assigns Lora to share a room with perky Miss Maloney (Joan Blondell), who first helps her undress and try on a nurse's uniform. The two quickly become best friends...and possibly more. Maloney seems to like spending time getting Hart into her underwear, and when some prankish interns hide a skeleton in Lora's bed, she readily climbs into Maloney's and snuggles up to her. After Dildo punishes the girls with assigning them to the night shift, Lora treats a bootlegger for a gunshot wound and he charms her into not reporting it to the police. He thanks her by sending her a bottle of rye to help her get through her final nursing exam. I guess if this was made toady, he would be a crack dealer.

After passing her training, Lora is quickly hired to look after two sick rich kids, at the mansion of their drunken mother, Mrs. Ritchie. Hmmm..wonder if her first name is Nicole? When a drunken house guest tries to rape her, a sexy chauffeur (Clark Gable) comes to her rescue. Clark then demands that she pumps Mrs. Ritchie's stomach, when Lora refuses -he punches Lora out cold! Huh???

Lora soon discovers that the sick kid's doctor, Dr. Ranger has been neglecting the children, in fact they are being slowly starved to death! Hmmm, Nicole Ritchie...starving...is this 1931 or 2008?

Lora then quits her job and reports the negligent doc to Dr. Bell. Bell tells Lora to return to the house to play Nancy Drew. Dr. Ranger agrees to take her back. Meanwhile, the little girl has grown sicker and weaker - why doesn't Lora just feed the damn kids??? Mrs. Ritchie could get a shit about her kids, so Lora turns to Mortie the bootlegger to help her save the child. Lora get Mortie to buy milk (he's not sure where they sell it - so he goes to a Kosher deli) to bathe the girl in. The housekeeper, who I'll call Hazel, gets drunk and tells Lora that she suspects that the chauffer and Dr. Ranger are in cahoots - and their plan is to kill the kids so they can get to their trust fund money! Mrs. Drinkie, um Mrs. Ritchie wants to marry the chauffeur, so this should be easy. Mortie convinces Dr. Bell to step in and help, but when he tries to get the girl to the hospital, the chauffeur punches him! Bad Clark Gable, bad!

Luckily Lora has the same blood type as the little girl, so an emergency transfusion saves the day! Yay! So, Mortie the bootlegger tells Lara he took care of the chauffeur, who arrives shortly at the hospital morgue.

The end. This movie was pretty crazy. It's certainly a curiosity just to see how the world of doctors, nurses and hospitals were perceived over 75 years ago. Also, to see how women were portrayed in pre-code films. Having also recently seen THREE ON A MATCH and FEMALE - it's easy to see where shows like SEX & THE CITY and UGLY BETTY have their roots. Of course, the morals and situations have changed, but the basic premise of "career girls" can be traced back to films of this era. I give NIGHT NURSE 6 "Huhs?" - if only it was more like the campy four-issue 1970s Marvel Comic of the same name.

COACH

Not to confused with the dreadful ABC sitcom of the 90s, COACH (1978, directed by Bud Townsend) is a dreadful PG-rated sexploitation film from my childhood. I remember watching (a surely edited-for-TV version of) it on the CBS Wednesday Night Movie and then talking with my Catholic school friends the next day about how great it was. THAT'S INCREDIBLE's perky Scientologist icon Cathy Lee Crosby stars as Olympic track & field champion Randy Rawlings, who leaves her job as an instructor in a 1970s equivalent to "Curves" to coach a boys basketball team at a private high school. Why not?

The movie opens with a soundless montage of Cathy running track, until she bursts through the finish line and steps up to receive her Gold Medal as The Star-Spangled Banner plays. (It's public domain, so no royalty fees like that pesky Olympic music). Meanwhile, in the sleepy town of Granger, Keenan Wynn (or was it Denver Pyle? - I always get those crazy old coots mixed up!) is perplexed by his grandson's high school basketball team and their perpetual losing streak. So Keenan gets the schlep-y, non-athletic looking coach fired and selects his replacement through some amazing futuristic "computer" program. The computer determines that the Olympic track star Randy Rawlings has just the right qualifications. When Randy arrives, Western Union telegram in hand, everyone discovers that this star athlete is a woman!!! Not only that but, a sexy, liberated, blonde woman who doesn't own a bra!  Prevented from firing her due to certain newly-passed anti-discrimination laws, Randy is given a chance to turn the teen-age losers into winners. But her job hinges on delivering a perfect season. If the team loses even one game, shes out on her sexy tight ass! Keenan later instructs his grandson to give her nothing but trouble.

Well, the boys (well, I'll call them "boys" despite that the actors look to be about mostly in 25-35 years old range) at Moose Knuckle High (according to our friend John W., a "Moose Knuckle" is the male equivalent of "Camel Toe"), don't take to kindly to having a woman coach, and they berate her with sexist remarks and gestures. She's the CTLF ("Coach They'd Like to Fuck"), but they don't want her telling them what to do. Always a pro, our Randy ignores their shenanigans and tells them she's there to kick some ass. She's even wearing an outfit that looks like her WONDER WOMAN costume from the aborted 1974 TV-movie pilot.

The team is a bunch of freak and geeks who don't have a clue how to win. There's the bookish nerd with glasses, the lanky scarecrow, the black guy, the albino with a receding hairline, the mildly-retarded rich kid and of course the school stud, Jack (future TERMINATOR star Michael Biehn), her star player and future sex partner. She earns the boys' respect by walking in on them while they are all naked in the shower and turning off the hot water, and forcing them stay under ice cold water for a minute. She learned this from her former coach, Alberto Gonzalez. 

Then she proceeds  to "coach" them by bringing in her superstar NBA buddy (or drug dealer) to teach the guys some professional moves. Before you know it, the team is playing better and Jack is playing WITH Randy's boobs! Never mind that's he's supposed to be like 17 and she's at least 35...and the fact that she's abusing her role as an adult in charge of  "kids" by having sex with one of them. This issue never even comes up, as she and Jack fall in love through a series of montage images set to cheesy 70s music. Soon the rest of the boys grow to like Randy. Why they even let her join them in the "Hey Lahdy Lahdy" sing-along on the team bus. Awwww...

Meanwhile, there's an embarrassing and tedious subplot involving hypnosis, and how the boys are able to help get their gawky teammate to get better grades and play better ball whenever he hears the word "Jabberwocky". When Randy finds out about it, she tells the boys that if he can play like a pro under hypnosis, he can do it without it! But later when the team is losing a big game, she leads the entire gymnasium in chanting "Jabberwocky" so they can win. So basically, she sends the message that's it's okay to cheat. Great coach, what's next, steroids?
For a PG-rated film, we see plenty of flesh, including at least 4 pairs of females nipples (when co-eds flash the boys at a dull house party), a bunch of naked male butts (during the shower torture-scene) and lots of moose knuckles in satin shorts and tight jeans. I give this one 6 "Huhs?" just for it's spunkiness. It's basically an ABC Afterschool Special about statutory rape, without the drama, moral judgement and legal repercussions. In other words, it's just good, clean fun for an cougar to bed one of her students!  This makes me wants to revisit LIFEGUARD starring Sam Elliot, another sexy  CBS Wednesday Night Movie classic.