3:30 or 4:30 - The Afternoon Movie Rocked!!!

From 2010...

Growing up in New York, we had the WABC 4:30 MOVIE, while folks in L.A. had KABC's 3:30 MOVIE. Same concept, different time, different coast. The 4:30 MOVIE was best known for it's amazing opening titles sequence and it's theme weeks: PLANET OF THE APES week, Super-Hero Week, Disaster Movie Week, Sci-Fi Week, etc. Sure, most were "edited for television" 90-minute condensed versions of two-hour films, but remember this was way before Blu-ray, before DVD, before VHS, before Laser Disc, before BetaMax, before Satellite, before pay-per-view... even before Cable TV. This was the only way to see movies...other then at the movies. They often mixed in TV-movies to make thing interesting. So here's a typical line-up..."Close Encounters of a Strange Kind" week - THE GARGOYLES starring Cornell Wilde, NIGHT SLAVES starring James Franciscus, THE OMEGA MAN starring Charlton Heston, THE STRANGE WITHIN starring Barbara Eden and the one, the only PSYCHO! A 109 minute film, chopped down to 72 minutes to fit a 90-minute time slot? Blasphemy! Wonder how much of the shower scene made it to broadcast.

THE STRANGER WITHIN

Unable to provide you with proposed posts about either PROM NIGHT or HALLOWEEN 2, please accept this previously aired post as my Halloween treat to you.

Let's say Roman Polanski decided to cast TV's lovely Barbara Eden (I DREAM OF JEANNIE, HARPER VALLEY PTA) in ROSEMARY'S BABY instead of Mia Farrow (PEYTON PLACE). Then let's say Polanski forgot EVERYTHING he ever knew about filmmaking...the result would be a 1974 ABC Movie of the Week called THE STRANGER WITHIN.

This rediscovered camp classic comes to us via the WARNER ARCHIVE COLLECTION.

Written by Richard Matheson (THE NIGHT STALKER) and directed by Lee Phillips (THE WALTONS), THE STRANGER WITHIN is a thriller devoid of any thrills. This is the story of Ann Collins (Eden) and her grizzled husband David (the appropriately named George Grizzard), a California couple living somewhere near Lake Hollywood before Madonna moved in and ruined the neighborhood.

Ann is a stay-at-home artist who is blue because she has missed her period and had "trouble" with a pregnancy a few years back.

Perhaps something to do with an astronaut and a purple bottle with throws pillows in it? David is not amused because he went under the vasectomist's knife three years earlier - so the future rugrat cannot be his!

Here is where we see the first of many repeated closeups of a bronze phallic clock with an axe aimed right at the said phallus. Ann swears up and down that she's been faithful, but David doesn't believe her.

He takes her to an abortion doctor (recommended by Dr. Bellows?).

This doc is clearly so popular in sinful Hollywood that he has TWO telephones! Ann decides to go all "pro life" on our asses and keep the baby. David is not amused.

Their marriage begins to crumble, as Ann becomes obsessed with the baby. And starts exhibiting strange behavior. And because it's 1974 (the year after THE EXORCIST), we naturally believe that Satan is the papa.

Ann's best friend Phyllis (Joyce Van Patten) thinks something's fishy and convinces her husband Bob (played by CHARLIE'S ANGELS' creepy sidekick "Bosley", David Doyle) to hypnotize Ann.

A hypnotist isn't exactly a priest but we'll go along with it. Ann then learns that her pregnancy is even further along that she originally thought. What a total slut!

What would Major Healey say? Soon poor pregnant Ann begins experiencing wild mood swings and hot flashes.

You'll pee yourself when she declares "I'm sorry I've been acting so terribly". That's okay Babs, we're used to it.

 After that admission, Ann puts herself on a high-sodium and caffeine diet.

She starts covering all her foood with salt... and begins downing cups, then whole POTS of scalding hot black coffee like a swing shift hooker at an all-night truck stop.

Then when we think things can't get any crazier, Ann goes all Evelyn Wood and starts speed-reading just about any book she can get her hands on.

She also begins going galavanting in the Hollywood Hills at night, returning to her avocado, yellow and brown home all scratched up. Cat fights with Julie Newmar perhaps?

Without explanation her wounds begin to heal, causing Ann to believe that her unborn child is a gift from God. Ummm... right.

Or maybe it's a genie?

Before you know it, Ann begins speaking in tongues (an acting tour de force for Ms. Eden!)...

and starts preparing exotic gourmet meals like pigs feet and guts. (Pipchicks for dessert?)

 Then things turn real dark as she pulls a knife on her husband!!!

Bob/Bosley puts her under hypnosis again and just when we think we are gonna find out who the devilish baby daddy is...we learn the real truth about THE STRANGER WITHIN!!!

SUPER RIDICULOUS SPOILER ALERT: Ann is NOT pregnant with the child of Satan. She was impregnated by an extraterrestrial being...or maybe Michael Jackson. Tests soon reveal that the fetus has not one, but two healthy heartbeats!

Ann flees her home and prematurely gives birth in the woods. No room at the inn?

The next morning, she is revealed to have given birth to a healthy baby boy...but she's not alone!

She is just one of many women who have been going through the exact same thing! It's The Sisterhood of the Traveling Spaceship!

Meanwhile, David discovers the a painting that Ann has been working on. It was her blue period after all.

Creepy! Kinda, sorta. But mostly very, very funny. THE STRANGER WITHIN gets a glowing 8 outta 10 because watching Barbara Eden pour salt on food and drink gallons of coffee is a million times more entertaining than THE HURT LOCKER will ever be. And that's how I see things.

Cosmic Invaders Weeeek!

Another star-studded weeeek on THE 3:30 MOVIE. I can tell THE STRANGER WITHIN and DON'T BE AFRAID OF THE DARK were included here, but I'm not quite sure what the other three titles are. Hmmm - me thinks I need to consult my local listings in this particular week's TV GUIDE.

Tragic Halloween Costumes (magic edition)

Since I'm already on the subject of BEWITCHED, let's take a look at some magically themed Halloween costumes. Starting with the lovely Samantha Stephens herself...Well, looking a bit like a drunken drag queen, Sam came in two un-fabulous versions. Both with garish mustard yellow capes and old school witch hats. Why not make the costume match the famous animated Samantha from the opening titles? Oh Ben Cooper, you were such a tease! Well, at least they got her hair color right, unlike...Jeannie from I DREAM OF JEANNIE! Why on Earth would they give her red hair? And again with the yellow! Yuck! Jeannie was known for wearing PINK, not yellow! It's almost like they went out of their way to make her look nothing like the actual character. And these were official licensed products! Ironically, the mask looks more like Barbara Eden today...Getting back to witches...
Here's Witchiepoo from Sid & Marty Krofft's psychedelic kiddie classic H.R. PUFNSTUF. This costume actually works for me. The mask looks like the character and the trippy graphic is kinda cute, even though the illustration makes her look more like 70s era Bette Midler than Billie Hayes. I think this is the best costume I've come across (so far).

The Top Ten Movies That Make You Say "Huh?"

Since I've started reviewing odd, ill-concieved and downright freaky old movies - memories of some of favorites from the past have been haunting me. Sure there are movies that I love - and some of those happen to actually be *good* movies - but what about the bad ones that I just can't get enough of? Well, that's what led me to compile this list. All this flicks rate a 10 outta 10 in our "Huh?" scale - meaning if you haven't seen them - you've just gotta! Counting down...

Number 10 - SHOWGIRLS (1995, Paul Verhoeven) - I know, I know. Everybody loves to hate SHOWGIRLS, but I was there first. I actually saw it the first time IN A MOVIE THEATER. Expecting to hate it, I just fell in love with (almost) every over-the-top minute of it. It's the only movie that actually gets better each time I watch it. Gina Gershon is pure genius. Elizabeth Berkley is sheer skank. There are so many "Huh?" moments that it boggles the mind, therefore it just had to make my list. Fans of SHOWGIRLS are encouraged to see VALLEY OF THE DOLLS and GLITTER for more wacky showbiz hilarity.

Number 9 - A SUMMER PLACE (1959, Delmer Daves) - My favorite 1950s soap opera. At two and a half hours, it's practically a miniseries! Watch as a great all-star cast (Troy Donahue, Dorothy McGuire, Richard Egan, Sandra Dee, and the AMAZING Constance Ford aka Ada Hobson on ANOTHER WORLD) chew the scenery and deliver some of the campiest dialogue ever ("Have you been bad, Johnny? Have you been bad with other girls? "). Plus the theme song is still one of the best ever. Watch it. Today.

Number 8 - ROLLERCOASTER (1977, James Goldstone) Forget JAWS and THE POSEIDON ADVENTURE - this flick is the craziest mainstream Hollywood action thriller of the 70s. The plot involves a psycho extortionist who is trying to blackmail a bunch of business executives - or something to that effect. So he gets their attention by blowing up some roller coasters."Huh?" It's worth watching just to see all the great theme park attractions and bad fashions. Plus Helen Hunt is in it.

Number 7 - HARPER VALLEY PTA (1978, Richard C. Bennett) Before the TV sitcom, there was this theatrical indie based on the #1 hit song by Jeannie C. Riley. The plot goes like this: townsfolk think slutty divorcee Barbara Eden is trashy, and they tell her so. Barbara she gets revenge on them one-by-one by exposing their deepest, darkest secrets - most of which deal with how much boozing they do. A who's who of bad 70s comedies (Nanette Fabray, Louis Nye, John Fiedler and Pat Paulsen - all on leave from THE LOVE BOAT) make up the citizens of Harper Valley - but Eden is the main attraction as the titular Stella Johnson. My only complaint is that she doesn't have her groovy genie powers anymore. Needs to be remade by David Lynch. Also see Stockard Channing in THE GIRL MOST LIKELY.

Number 6 - HOT RODS TO HELL (1967, John Brahm, James Curtis Havens) Two directors! Twice the fun! This movie feels like someone at MGM saw FASTER PUSSYCAT KILL KILL (which I consider one of the *best* movies ever made) and decided to remake for the whole family. The plot: Dana Andrews, his wife (Jeanne Crain) and annoying kids are driving across the California desert heading for a new life running a motel. Things go a bit off-kilter when they encounter a teenage bad girl and her two delinquent boyfriends. Some amazing over-the-top overacting makes this cautionary tale a real fast & furious ride for all!

Number 5 - BESERK! (1967, Jim O'Connolly) After 3 great thrillers (WHAT EVER HAPPENED TO BABY JANE, STRAIT-JACKET and I SAW WHAT YOU DID) - and before the career-ender known as TROG, Ms. Crawford made this amazing technicolor oddity. This time out Joan is the owner and ringmaster of a traveling circus who is driven to attract bigger audiences. When a series of bizarre murders begin, her ticket sales soar. She hires a handsome and muscular young man to help her run the show. Many suspect Joan of the killings, especially British pin-up model Diana Dors, who has set her sights on the new circus hunk. At this point, Joan's unruly daughter (Judy Geeson) shows up and joins the circus. This film has grotesque murders, a musical number performed by "freaks" AND Intelligent Poodles! Holy shit - did I just say "Intelligent Poodles"?

Number 4 - SKIDOO! (1968, Otto Preminger) Jackie Gleason! Carol Channing! Frankie Avalon! Frank Gorshin! Burgess Meredith! Cesar Romero! Mickey Rooney! Groucho Marx! Dancing garbage pails! LSD! Saw it once, I still have acid flashbacks. Nuff said.

Number 3 - THE APPLE (1980, Menahem Golan) If LOGAN'S RUN had musical numbers it would look like this. US soap star Catherine Mary Stewart, awarding-winning theater legend Miriam Margolyes and an international cast of nobodies star in this amazing mish-mosh of MTV, the book of Genesis and your worst nightmares. Great musical numbers include Bibi & Alphie's window duet, "Speed" and Pandi's Donna Summer knock off "I'm Coming". Must be seen to be believed. Do the BIM.

Number 2 - THE WILD, WILD WORLD OF JAYNE MANSFIELD (1968, Charles W. Broun Jr. Joel Holt, Arthur Knight) Decades before reality TV, my favorite busty blonde bombshell Jayne Mansfield "hosts" this travelog - where she visits the world's sexiest places, encountering meeting male hustlers, drag queens, strippers, nudists, topless girl bands, and lesbians along the way. Just when we are enjoying ourselves and Jayne's naughty journeys, the film suddenly grinds to a halt with screeching tire noises, a simulated car crash, and gruesome police photos of Mansfield's fatal car accident!!! Fucking brilliant!! Wonder if Mariska Hargitay has ever seen this.

Number 1 - THE BLACK DEVIL DOLL FROM HELL (1984, Chester Novell Turner)
A friend of mine rented this "film" when she found it in the "African American Studies" section of her local video store. It's been in my collection ever since. The plot: An unattractive church lady woman buys a ventriloquist dummy with dreadlocks at a thrift shoppe. Unbeknownst to her, the "doll" is possessed by an evil spirit, and it proceeds to terrorize, torture and rape(!) her all while a Casio keyboard plays over the soundtrack. Obviously inspired by the Karen Black classic TRILOGY OF TERROR, this made-for-video atrocity is not for the squeamish ...but needs to be seen as part of any "African American Studies" curriculum .

That's our current Top Ten...I am sure I'll have many more to report on as soon as the SKIDOO acid flashbacks stop.