LIFEGUARD

More recycled Dougsploitation.

LIFEGUARD stands out in my mind for two reasons: it was another PG-rated, but sexy film that that premiered on the CBS Wednesday Night Movie (see COACH) and it was an iconic teen-age masturbatory fantasy for gay boys everywhere. What's surprising is that this movie came from Paramount Pictures (and now on DVD from the Warner Archive Collection) - not Crown International or American International or New Line or New World. This was a real Hollywood movie...with music by the legendary Paul Williams (PHANTOM OF THE PARADISE, and that very special episode of THE ODD COUPLE where Edna Unger and her dad Felix argue over Paul's sex appeal).

As the titles roll, we meet our hero, young Sam Elliot, who even at 35 (?) seemed kinda old - but yet sexy. He's putting up a flag, and "intern" lifeguard and Scientologist Parker (HARDY BOYS and BAYWATCH) STEVENSON is helping him. Then a bunch of half-naked teen boys who all look like Carrot Top come up to them and tell them how they plan on getting laid this summer. Right.

Sam then puts on his tight rainbow tank top because his lady friend - a blonde stewardess(!!!) who looks like Sarah (REAL PEOPLE) Purcell coming over for a booty call.

PS- she is carrying the same "stew bag" that Tara B. True used in SUPERCHICK! And she gets to shows her tits and ass...in a PG movie!!! Holy shit - the MPAA would never allow this today. After the fucking, pillow talk between them turns dramatic when she tells him that he's not as good in bed as he thinks he is. He would be better if he loved her. He's like..."whatever" Back at the beach, a teenage girl who looks like a mildly-retarded Kristy McNichol needs a band-aid for her finger. So Sam helps her out. Later, while a dwarf photographer is taking snapshots, Sam and Parker talk about sex. A lot. Which is hot. Then they talk about sex with underage girls. Which is creepy.

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Then there's a boring bar scene which reveals to us that Sam is a "player". A guy that knew Sam 10 years earlier sees him at the bar and the two begin to chat. The guy - who looks like both the ABBA guys rolled into one - tells Sam that he now is a Porsche salesman, and that Sam should consider getting in the car biz.

Stalker teen, I'll call her "Tarzana" shows up again and tells Sam that she has no friends cause girls are snotty and boys are creeps. Then she splashes water on him and he chases her. He gives her a towel and they talk about marriage. Huh? Then she tells him she wants to get better at sex, and she wants him to fuck her. He thinks she's only 14, but when she says she's 17, he figures what the hell...and it does it! "Tarzana" is actually a played by a 22 year old Kathleen Quinlan!

The next day, Sam goes to visit his parents. We wish that it was Sam playing all three characters like Eddie Murphy does. Maybe in the sequel?

Back at the beach, Sam rescues some drowning kids and has to deal with a Cary Grant lookalike who is "showing his privates". We wish Sam and Parker would show each other's privates! Parker can't deal with the old guy cause he looks too much like his dad. Okay, ewww. 

"Tarzana" the Statutory Stalker shows up at Sam's apartment (She followed home!!!). Gulp. He can't make love to her because tonight's his 15 Year High School reunion - making him almost 30!!!

At the reunion, another Scientologist, Anne Archer and WONDER WOMAN's friend Etta Candy (Beatrice Colon) are there! During "Moon River," Anne shows him her kid, but what she really wants to show him is her "kid-maker".

Then there's a triathlon competition and of course "Tarzana" is cheering him on. Sam spits up water for five minutes. He must be too old for this??? A teammate jokes about it and Sam goes nuts. Speaking of nuts, the announcer has big ones. Ewww...

Before you know it Sam's teaching Anne's kid how to swim and how properly wear Groucho glasses.

He shows Anne a pamphlet of women he hasn't fucked yet, and she's in it - but not for long. It's light reading. Then they get it on. There's slo-mo closeups of various body parts. No nipples or balls, just fleshy parts. Soon she's smoking in bed. Must have been good.

The next day Sam goes to see the car dealer guy. Later, "Tarzana" shows up again and asks Sam if they are ever gonna do it again. He tells her no. And then she asks "Is it cause I'm jailbait?" No, she's cause you're crazy. Then she starts crying cause...SHE'S FUCKING CRAZY!

Later, Anne makes lasagna because her Mexican housekeeper can't be trusted with pasta. Sam comes by to tell her that he got a job as a Porsche salesman. Then a song by Paul Williams, the poor man's Elton John, serenades us as Sam drives around LA and says "goodbye" to the beach.

Only he spots someone out swimming where she shouldn't be swimming...and of course it's "Tarzana"! LET HER DROWN!!! But no, he rescues her and gives her a sailor suit to wear. Did a trick leave it behind? He tells her she's crazy. FINALLY! She tells him she LOVES him. Then he puts her in her car and sends her home. Is it really a good idea to put someone who just tried to kill herself behind the wheel of her car?

He tells Anne about Syndy when he visits her at her job (an art gallery). Anne is very supportive, but then he goes and spoils it all by doing something stupid like yelling at a potential art buyer and probably getting Anne fired from her job - or at least embarrassing the crap out of her! By the way, she looks pissed.

It's the next day, Parker's last before he heads back to college (he's gonna make something of his life - not just be a dumb lifeguard). Then the ABBA/Porsche guy comes by to see if he's gonna take the salesman job, and Sam says "no!"...besides there's a pervert hiding in the ladies room and somebody's got kick him out! It's tough out there for a lifeguard. Wonder if "Tarzana" made it home alright...

"Huh?" - 7 outta 10 - mostly cause of all the smokin' hot 70s man flesh. Oh, the guy pictured above isn't in the movie. Buy it today!

Annette Funicello (1942-2013)

Diller Memories: THE FAT SPY

A special trip down memory lane with the late Ms. Diller from my 2nd post - way back in 2007!After recently reading Phyllis Diller's autobiography (brilliantly titled Like a Lampshade in a Whorehouse), I have decided to seek out her rare appearances in film. In her book, Ms. Diller describes 1966's THE FAT SPY as "one of the worst things ever committed to celluloid, full of lousy jokes and terrible music." With a description like that, I just had to find it!

Well, I found it (via Netflix). I'm just not sure what to say about it. It's basically a beach party movie without Frankie and Annette and without much of a plot. But what it does have is love goddess Jayne Mansfield!!! Our favorite 50s sex bomb (that's right, Marilyn, you heard us). From THE GIRL CAN'T HELP IT to THE WILD, WILD WORLD OF JAYNE MANSFIELD... from the TV-movie bio starring Loni Anderson to the awesome Siouxsie & the Banshees song "Kiss Them For Me" - Jayne has always been one of my special guilty pleasures. Phyllis describes Jayne as "overweight, hooked on pills and firmly on the skids." How could you NOT love that? Jayne was Anna Nicole before Anna Nicole was born!

Well, back to the movie. From what I can ascertain, the plot goes like this: there is some island, which is is supposed to be the fountain of youth. An annoying teenage band, The Wild Ones, and their girlfriends, descend on the island for a scavenger hunt — which pisses off the island's owner, who enlists his daughter named Junior(?) (played by Jayne), to evict the kids. Junior 's lover Irving (played by comedian Jack E. Leonard) is asked to "spy "on the rowdy teenagers hence the "Fat Spy" title. Ugh. Irving's twin brother Herman, (also Jack E. Leonard) and his lover, Camille Salamander (Phyllis Diller), also show up - looking for the fountain of youth. In between all this The Wild Ones manage to perform about 100 crappy songs. Oh yeah, and some guy drowns himself so he can live with mermaids!

Phyllis describes the filming of THE FAT SPY on location in Florida as being a nightmare. Between the heat, swarms of mosquitoes and production problems, she often skips over discussing this film and calls 1966's BOY DID I GET A WRONG NUMBER her REAL first film. (Much like how Carol Channing dismisses the LSD musical-comedy SKIDOO).

Any Phyllis fan should check THE FAT SPY out as a curiosity. A friend of ours recently played it at a party and said it became a great conversation piece - definitely a movie that makes you say "huh?". Directed by Joseph Cates. Rating: 7 outta 10 "huhs".

A Day at the Beach, A Night at the Lagoon

While Los Angles has been experiencing it's most un-seasonably cool summer ever, I recently watched three summery flicks to remind me what a fun Summer should be like. First up, the original PIRANHA (1978, directed by Joe Dante).

This JAWS-inspired aquatic concoction from producer Roger Corman and writer John (RETURN OF THE SECAUCUS 7) Sayles stars Bradford Dillman, Heather Menzies, Kevin McCarthy, Keenan Wynn, Dick Miller, Barbara Steele, Belinda Balaski, Melody Thomas Scott and Paul Bartel. Is anyone else disturbed by a movie with a lot of blood in the water starring somebody named Menzies?

The film is a hoot, with all the requisite elements - skinny dipping teens, misguided military scientists, a water-skiing explosion and, of course, the upcoming summer camp swimming marathon that provides plenty of opportunities for the mutated, cold-water dwelling piranhas to gnaw at their victims. With the all-star 3D remake about to hit theaters, I'd highly recommend the original, newly re-released by Shout! Factory.

Meanwhile, from the diverse selection of The Warner Archive Collection comes ZUMA BEACH (1978, directed by Lee H. Katzin). This silly NBC movie-of-the-week (from a group of writers including John Carpenter!) tries to be your typical  R-rated sex romp except all the sex is cut out. Suzanne stars as a pop singer who tries to get away from it all to pen her new album, but ends up becoming entwined in the lives of a bunch of teenage beach bums (including future stars Michael Biehn, Rosanna Arquette, P.J. Soles, Tanya Roberts and Timothy Hutton). Peppered with corny dialogue, sitcom-ish situations and a soundtrack of Beach Boys knockoffs, ZUMA climaxes with a big sandcastle-building scene. How will it end??? Who cares, this cotton candy confection is as deep as a bucket of sand. One interesting note is that there's a non-judgmental and quite instructional scene detailing how to roll a joint!  On network TV, people!  Ah, the 70's....before Nancy Reagan took all the fun outta drugs.

So roll yourself a joint and return to Roger Corman territory with HUMANOIDS FROM THE DEEP (1980, directed by Barbara Peeters), which is the best of the trio. Starring Doug McClure, Ann Turkel and Vic Morrow, this is another re-imagining of JAWS, this time by way of THE CREATURE FROM THE BLACK LAGOON, that re-casts the creature as a species of swamp-dwelling mutated salmon/rapists.  Yes, they're surfacing to breed with human ladies, who show their boobies and everything.  And things explode.  And, like always, the big annual carnival is only days away!!! It's a lot of icky inter-species horror fun, and the 30th Anniversary Special Edition DVD is out now via Shout! Factory.

LORD LOVE A DUCK trailer

I watched this classic film for the first time last night. Don't have the energy to write a review or synosis, but here's the trailer for you all to enjoy. While in the blogosphere, please visit our friends at A Touch of Tuesday Weld.

BEACH GIRLS

The warm California weather has made me want to watch a beach movie.

Unfortunately THE BEACH GIRLS (1982, directed by Bud Townsend) was the only one I had handy.

The film begins as a Beach Boys knock-off song called "I Wanna Go To Paradise" plays over a montage of bikini-clad gals and guys doing beach-type activities. The corny sight-gags include a phallic hotdog being squirted with mustard,

a nun waxing up her surfboard,

 and the requisite cute dog stealing bikini tops!

Soon a black VW Beetle pulls up to Paradise Beach, and a bespectacled, nerdy, but perky young lady named Sarah (Debra Blee) pops out–

and begins unloading her groceries and luggage into a spacious beach house. 

She is shocked to see the Mexican gardener apparently urinating – but it turns out he's just watering the garden!

We soon learn that Sarah is house-sitting for her rich Uncle Carl and that she has invited slutty two classmates, a leggy man-ish blonde named Ginger (Val Kline) and a generic brunette named Ducky (Jeana Tomasina), over to keep her company for the summer. 

As the two tramps head towards to Paradise, accompanied by a song called "School is Out," we see that they are much more wild than Sarah because they are playfully chucking their school books into garbage pails along the way. Or at least trying to.

They randomly pick up a hunky blonde hitchhiker named Scott (James Daughton) and his guitar along the way. Meanwhile, we are treated to a couple of non-sexual subplots: the Coast Guard is tracking some marijuana pirates. Oh no! And an unnamed gossipy neighbor (played by TV's Mary Jo Catlett, best known as the replacement housekeeper Pearl on DIFF'RENT STROKES) begins to suspect that something's up at Uncle Carl's house.

Whorish Ginger and Ducky arrive and quickly become bored with conservative Sarah, so they decide to liven things up at the beach house by ordering a pizza and then seducing the pizza boy. 

Yes - that is a salami in his pocket. 

The party really begins when various other hot delivery folk and repairmen start arriving at their door with their big packages and greasy tools, while Scott tries to get to know prudish Sarah a bit.

A disco dance party soon gets under way with some uncomfortable close-ups of boobs, asses and clothed vaginas.

A spontaneous pool party breaks out and before you know it most of the chicks are topless, bottomless and senseless. 

As the party guests shed their inhibitions and clothing, the clumsy and horny Mexican gardener (Bert Rosario) makes several attempts to get in on the action, but always ends up getting hurt instead. 

Meanwhile Scott tries to get into uptight Sarah's pants but she is dismayed by all the partying going on in the house. He tells her to "be human." Ouch!

Nosy neighbor Mary Jo alerts the police after her peeping-tom husband calls her attention to the sexy shenanigans at Carl's. 

So then a humpy cop arrives at the party and joins in on the fun...as Ducky sports mega cameltoe in a pair of tight red trousers. 

Scott tries to get square Sarah to skinny dip with the rest of the cool kids.He tries to entice her by showing her his perfect ass.But Sarah just ain't having it. So he joins the swimmers without her.

In the middle of all this chaos, Uncle Carl (Adam Roarke) comes home–of course–and the promiscuous duo Ginger and Ducky overhear him tell Sarah that he wants everybody out tomorrow including them!!!

The girls decide to change his mind. I wonder how they'll do it?Before you know it, topless Ginger, Uncle Carl and the boom operator are spending some quality time in the sauna with the tightest rolled joint ever.

The morning after, stick-in-the-mud Sarah is annoyed that there are naked bodies all over the house. 

Dirty Ducky goes out for a tits-to-the-wind boat ride with Uncle Carl and feigns drowning to get him to give her mouth-to-mouth.

Then sweet, old Uncle Carl decides the girls can have just one more party! Yay! Thanks Uncle Carl - you're te greatest uncle ever!

Stuffy Sarah finally relents and lets and studly Scott show her a good time on the beach as "I Want the Night Time" plays.

The pot pirates from the beginning of the movie show up again and soon six garbage bags full of primo weed turn up on the beach, and those bed-hoppers Ginger and Ducky find them.

This provides the naughty girls with a nifty door prize for their party guests!

In the most ridiculous scene in this ridiculous film, some four-eyed dude turns his car into a bong by sprinkling weed in the engine and sucks on the exhaust pipe. 

Do not try this at home!

Thanks to the intrusive neighbors, Carl's fiancee Julie shows up at the house, looking for him. 

After she catches him in the sauna with the sexually liberated Ginger and Ducky, she has a quickie with the lusty police officer from the night before!

Before you know it, the Coast Guard arrives to confiscate the pot by burning it in a campfire–causing everyone to get high including Sarah who finally flashes her tits.

Mary Jo gets a contact high and then who dons a Brunhilda get-up and sings opera on the beach (becoming the proverbial "fat lady").  Therefore signaling us that it must be over soon.

Filthy whore Ducky then throws a box of explosives on the fire, enabling us to view some cheap stock footage of fireworks. Just like LOVE AMERICAN STYLE!

The End. Wow - I think I've learned my lesson, next time I'm feeling like a beach movie, I'll just take a shower instead.