My Letter From The Easter Bunny

From 2009: It's finally Easter season, and time for the holiday that tries so damned hard to be another Christmas - but I personally just can't get past all the ugly pastel decorations. While going through a box of old cards and letters recently I came across this curious artifact from my sordid  past...an actual letter from the Easter Bunny - addressed to me from a P.O. Box in Wilkes-Barre, PA.Apparently, this rabbit (aka my good friend) lives in Bunny Land and can take time out from his duties–preparing for this long trip–to write to ME. He knows I've been good? He also dispenses free medical advice as you can see for yourself below.

Well, I never did get baskets of candy after I figured out it was all a lie - but somehow this letter has magically stayed with me throughout the years as a reminder of that childhood innocence and gullibility that we all lose somewhere along the way to adulthood. Happy Easter season, kids – enjoy the Peeps and the hollow rabbits. It's gonna be over before you know it.

THE FLINTSTONES turn 50...

In honor of the occasion, here's something I first posted a couple of years ago.

Presenting FLINTSTONES Bubble Club Fun Bath (that's a mouthful!) - which I guess was some sort of bubble bath potion that sold for 39 cents. This chlorinated soap was so powerful it even washed the ginger right outta Pebbley Poo's red locks and made her into a bleach blonde!Well, Pebbles seems to be having a gay old time while the world's strongest infant, Bamm-Bamm merely looks embarrassed - or like he just made some bubbles of his own. What's the most disturbing about this package is the SPECIAL PICTURE OFFER that is featured on the back of the box. What kind of perverted pictures are these bubble bath manufacturers foisting upon their customers? I don't know - but if the title of this book tells us anything...I'm calling Bedrock Dept. of Social Services.What was the witch going to do with all that jizzle anyway? And did Pebbles and Bamm-Bamm fill their buckets with it? THIS JUST IN - For those of you who think the above book cover is a fake, here's another edtion of the same book that I just found online: Apparently I'm not the first blogger to come across this oddly-titled children's book. Colleen Kane over at Baton Rogue is the New Bklyn blogged about it last year. She even pictures a THIRD edition of the book featuring a MORE GRAPHIC cover which shows the man-ish "witch" and Bamm-Bamm stirring up a bucket of green goo. Witch jizzle? Ewwww...To cleanse of palate of such putrid pre-historic pornography, here's something adorable...
Doesn't that just melt a wicked witch's jizzle-free heart? Also available on vinyl.As a friend of teen-age Pebbles and Bamm-Bamm, Bad Luck Schleprock would say, "Wowsie, wowsie, woo-woo."

Christmas in Disneyland (Once More)

Last night, while freezing my butt off at the annual Disneyland Family Party, I recalled a special holiday screening that I attended at the Disney Studios last year. No, it wasn't BOLT or a preview of a new Pixar treat - It was a rare old chestnut that we like to call CHRISTMAS AT DISNEYLAND.
Yes, from Marty Pasetta & company, the fine folks that brought us the weirdly magical all-star extravaganza SANDY IN DISNEYLAND in 1974 came this 1976 variety special in which Sandy returns to Walt's first magic kingdom - but this time she took the second-banana role to Ed Norton himself, Mr. Art Carney.Originally airing 32 years ago today Dec. 6) this odd gem tells the story of a grumpy grandpa (Carney) whose cute grandkids (Brad Savage, Terri Lynn Wood) drag him, against his will, to Disneyland for Christmas. Which sounds like fun - only Gramps has his knickers in a knot about doing anything that might make the kids happy - turns out he was an abused child (he relates the story of how he was rejected and neglected at Christmastime as a wee lad) who NEVER was given a Christmas present EVER. This depressing and highly unlikely backstory sets up the story of the kids (with the help of tour guide Duncan and special guest star Glen Campbell) trying to prove that everything he thinks is annoying or fake (Christmas, music, Santa, Disneyland, etc.) is enchanting and real. How Grandpa has made it this far in life without having any fun or receiving any gifts is beyond me - but no one seems to question it, so I won't either.Along the way, there's plenty of peppy musical numbers throughout the theme park. We visit Sleeping Beauty's Castle, Critter Country, Fantasyland (the Alice in Wonderland ride is featured, but not identified) and the now-extinct attraction called America Sings. Sandy does a big production number inside of It's A Small World (she sings something about seeing the world through her EYES-should it's be her EYE? Just asking.) and John Davidson, er I mean Glen Campbell dons a Santa suit and jams with The Country Bears. Mr. Carney also plays the dual role of Dr. Wunderbar, a "glad scientist" (my term) who places some sort of magical/technical spell on Grandpa that promises him a big prize for being a non-believer. Or something to that effect. It's a very Sid & Marty Krofft moment. There's a sweet little song that the kids sing with Carney that would be wonderful if young Terri Lynn wasn't so off-key. While she is adorable, one wonders why they didn't cast a cute kid who actually had some vocal chops.

There's also a gaggle of costumed characters cavorting around (though Goofy seems oddly missing) as well as dancing Christmas trees, Reindeer and a big finale that includes a big ice-skating number right down Main Street. The hour is full of that wonderful requisite 1970s corniness, right down to the polyester-clad dancers, the choir with Farah Fawcett inspired hairstyles and Jell-O ads.Overall I enjoyed the show - but it made me sad that shows like this aren't available on dvd for all to see. I'm guessing there's either legal or clearance issues that Disney would rather not deal with, or just plain embarrassment over some of the dated cheese factor that these shows reek of. While not as "magical" as I expected, the show totally put me in the holiday mood, which is a very good thing!

Soupy Sales 1926-2009

I usually don't comment when a celebrity dies, but Soupy Sales always stands out in my mind because about 20 years ago my ex Rob and I went to see the late, great jazz legend Rosemary Clooney perform on New Year's Eve. Rosie was at the top of her game, and it was a sheer delight to be in her presence. Why am I telling you this? Well, Rosie's opening act was, you guessed it–Soupy Sales. I knew who Soupy was mostly from his appearances on THE MATCH GAME and the syndicated daytime version WHAT'S MY LINE? I also seeing clips from his obnoxious daytime kid's show and I never thought he was that funny. Well, seeing him perform live was far from a treat. Soupy's act was pure ham & cheese served on corn bread, and I remember wishing it was over before it even began. His "big number" was a cover of Billy Preston's "Nothing from Nothing". I recall Rob and I looking at each other with mortified faces and beginning to quietly chat "Rosie! Rosie!" to ourselves. Well, Soupy's gone now and all I can say is "Nothin' from nothin' leaves nothin' You gotta have somethin' if you wanna be with me". Rest in peace, Mr. Sales.

My Letter From The Easter Bunny

It's finally Easter season, and time for the holiday that tries so damned hard to be another Christmas - but I personally just can't get past all the ugly pastel decorations. While going through a box of old cards and letters recently I came across this curious artifact from my sordid  past...an actual letter from the Easter Bunny - addressed to me from a P.O. Box in Wilkes-Barre, PA.Apparently, this rabbit (aka my good friend) lives in Bunny Land and can take time out from his duties–preparing for this long trip–to write to ME. He knows I've been good? He also dispenses free medical advice as you can see for yourself below.

Well, I never did get baskets of candy after I figured out it was all a lie - but somehow this letter has magically stayed with me throughout the years as a reminder of that childhood innocence and gullibility that we all lose somewhere along the way to adulthood. Happy Easter season, kids – enjoy the peeps and the hollow rabbits. It's gonna be over before you know it.

Christmas in Disneyland

Yesterday I was privileged to attend a special holiday screening at the Disney Studios. No, it wasn't BOLT or perhaps a preview of some new, upcoming Pixar treat -It was a rare old chestnut that we like to call CHRISTMAS AT DISNEYLAND.
Yes, from Marty Pasetta & company, the fine folks that brought us the weirdly magical all-star extravaganza SANDY IN DISNEYLAND in 1974 came this 1976 variety special in which Sandy returns to Walt's first magic kingdom - but this time she took the second-banana role to Ed Norton himself, Mr. Art Carney.Originally airing 32 years ago today Dec. 6) this odd gem tells the story of a grumpy grandpa (Carney) whose cute grandkids (Brad Savage, Terri Lynn Wood) drag hi, against his will, to Disneyland for Christmas. Which sounds like fun - only Gramps has his knickers in a knot about doing anything that might make the kids happy - turns out he was an abused child (he relates the story of how he was rejected and neglected at Christmastime as a wee lad) who NEVER was given a Christmas present EVER. This depressing and highly unlikely backstory sets up the story of the kids (with the help of tour guide Duncan and special guest star Glen Campbell) trying to prove that everything he thinks is annoying or fake (Christmas, music, Santa, Disneyland, etc.) is enchanting and real. How Grandpa has made it this far in life without having any fun or receiving any gifts is beyond me - but no one seems to question it, so I won't either.Along the way, there's plenty of peppy musical numbers throughout the theme park. We visit Sleeping Beauty's Castle, Critter Country, Fantasyland (the Alice in Wonderland ride is featured, but not identified) and the now-extinct attraction called America Sings. Sandy does a big production number inside of It's A Small World (she sings something about seeing the world through her EYES-should it's be her EYE? Just asking.) and John Davidson, er I mean Glen Campbell dons a Santa suit and jams with The Country Bears. Mr. Carney also plays the dual role of Dr. Wunderbar, a "glad scientist" (my term) who places some sort of magical/technical spell on Grandpa that promises him a big prize for being a non-believer. Or something to that effect. It's a very Sid & Marty Krofft moment. There's a sweet little song that the kids sing with Carney that would be wonderful if young Terri Lynn wasn't so off-key. While she is adorable, one wonders why they didn't cast a cute kid who actually had some vocal chops.

There's also a gaggle of costumed characters cavorting around (though Goofy seems oddly missing) as well as dancing Christmas trees, Reindeer and a big finale that includes a big ice-skating number right down Main Street. The hour is full of that wonderful requisite 1970s corniness, right down to the polyester-clad dancers, the choir with Farah Fawcett inspired hairstyles and Jell-O ads.Overall I enjoyed the show - but it made me sad that shows like this aren't available on dvd for all to see. I'm guessing there's either legal or clearance issues that Disney would rather not deal with, or just plain embarrassment over some of the dated cheese factor that these shows reek of. While not as "magical" as I expected, the show totally put me in the mood for my annual Christmas visit to the happiest place on Earth next week.

Fucked Up Religious Pamphlets - 2nd in a series

Marjorie (to her neighbor Rona, who is visiting) : Awww, isn't she adorable? All dressed in her new pink jammies and crawling on the carpet. I'm so glad we recently had it shampooed! No nasty germs for our little girl.

Rona : She's such a doll, Marj. You and Bob are wonderful, Christian parents. Opposite sexes and all.

Bob (from the other room) : Hey honey, have you seen my hypodermic needle? I haven't shot up all day and I'm really jonesing for a fix!

Marjorie : Oh, Bob - you and the black tar heroin! You're always searching for satisfaction! No - I did not see your needle - I suggest you check in the last place you shot up!

Rona : Men! My Jerry is always misplacing his crackpipe!

Bob : Thanks, honey– I think if I retrace my steps...hmmm...I think it was the living room.

To Be Continued...

Fucked Up Religious Pamphlets - 1st in a series

Okay, what exactly is going on here? Clearly "The Way to Heaven" is what you experience when you stand up barefoot on a rickety old swing set and loosely hold on to the rusted chains while your dad pushes you really, really, hard. Luckily there isn't a cement slab underneath the swing set...or is there? This is just plain creepy.