EASTER IS...

One of my many childhood obsessions was oddly enough Lutheran Television. Growing up Catholic, it seemed like our Protestant friends had better choices when it came to TV productions. They had the terrifically soapy THIS IS THE LIFE, we had SUNDAY MASS. They had the claymation duo of DAVEY & GOLIATH, we had SUNDAY MASS FOR SHUT-INS. They had EASTER IS... and we had EASTER SUNDAY MASS.

 EASTER IS...was an animated special about a boy and his dog from the early 1970s that was a sequel to CHRISTMAS IS... (which I also loved and will be covering in December). I recently found both these Lutheran TV classics unwrapped on VHS at a gay thrift shop in Palm Springs! It's an Easter miracle!

 Actress/singer/game show icon Leslie Uggams lent her talents to the production, a few years before her appearance in the disturbing exploitation film POOR PRETTY EDDIE, which also involved a dog.

 Our story focuses on Benjy, a young boy and his poor sense of what it means to be a good pet owner. His sheepdog Waldo wanders around the neighborhood without a leash, gets attacked by bees and is left sitting on the bus stop waiting for Benjy to come home from school. Probably doesn't get his shots either.

 At school, Easter season is in full swing - and everyone knows what that means : girls dressed as pink bunnies while boys point at them, colored eggs and baskets full of candy.

 Benjy's teacher (Leslie) tells the class that they are going to be competing against the other classes in an Easter decorating contest. Think of it as PROJECT: RUNWAY with lots of pastels.

 The teacher assigns Benjy the most important task of designing the poster for the classroom door. She doesn't want it to look like crap, so he's gotta really work hard on this. I mean real hard.

 As his hippie Jesus poster looks over him, Benjy begins to toil away night after night on his Easter poster, ignoring Waldo and becoming more and more obsessed with conveying the true meaning of Easter.

 The following day, Benjy scolds Waldo for being too co-dependant and the poor dog wanders off in a state of distress, only to be attacked by a magical (yes, I said magical) Siamese cat on loan from LADY & THE TRAMP.

 Waldo ends up spending the night on the streets, in a dump, and drinking polluted water.

 Meanwhile Benjy's ignorant parents think that all the boy needs to do is put food outside and Waldo will turn up.
They don't even offer to drive around and look for the dog. Out of sight, out of mind. I really want to smack these two smug assholes.

 Benjy prays to God to bring Waldo home. Maybe he should have thought about getting Waldo a leash and harness at some point and treated him better?

 But God doesn't listen - and Waldo ends up getting captured by a red-headed brat. It's always a red-head. Even Lex Luthor was ginger before he lost his hair.

 Red decides to hold Waldo hostage, thinking that his owner actually cared about him.

 Benjy is told that he needs to come up with FIVE DOLLARS in ransom otherwise he'll never see Waldo again. Great orange phone by the way.

 Rather than going to his stupid parents for help, Benjy decides to steal $3.05 out of the family piggy bank. Luckily his African-American friend is around to help him.

 Benjy and his friend confront the read-headed kidnapper, but its too late-Waldo was attacked by rats during the night and escaped Red's garage...leaving behind a trail of blood!!!

 Oh Hippie Jesus - what is Benjy going to do? What will become of poor neglected Waldo? Where did you get that awesome vest? PROJECT: RUNWAY, perhaps?

 Well, the next day Benjy's dumb-ass parents convince him to go to church for Easter - and Waldo just shows up. All dirty, but not bleeding. The two are happily reunited and all is forgiven. Did Benjy learn his lesson? Did he learn anything at all? I really don't think so.

 Benjy's stoned Sunday school teacher lets him bring Waldo into the classroom. "Like, that dog is so intense!"

 The creepy Sunday School students listen as Benjy and the teacher tell the miracle of Waldo's Christ-like return.

 The next day at Albrecht PUBLIC SCHOOL. (I typed it in all caps for a reason).

 Tim Gunn shows up to judge the Easter-decorating contest - and guess who's class wins?

Turns out that Benjy's Hippie Jesus collage is just what a PUBLIC SCHOOL wants hanging on a classroom door! I guess maybe Tim Gunn thought it was the Brawny Man or some other hunky dude and not Jesus. Well that's where Benhy's story ends...but actually I have a confession...

When this show aired in the 1970s, I loved it so much I mailed away for an EASTER IS...Hippie Jesus poster, which I proudly displayed on my closet door for years, until it was replaced by Lynda Carter. Amen!

TWO ON A GUILLOTINE

From 2010: TWO ON A GUILLOTINE is a film that I've waited years to see. Thanks to The Warner Archive Collection, it's now possible to own this rare and unusual film from 1965. Directed by actor William Conrad (CANNON, JAKE & THE FATMAN) from a quasi-Grand Guignol script by Henry Slesar (THE TWILIGHT ZONE, THE EDGE OF NIGHT).
The film opens with a wonderfully demented scene involving magician John Duquesne (played by the late, over-the-top closeted gay actor Cesar Romero) performing a ghastly trick involving his wife Melinda and a very sharp object.
After the prologue, we find out that poor Melinda has gone missing. We also learn that the new library has been dedicated and "casual labor" rules have been clarified by an official. Thank heavens!

Flash forward a bunch of years and Duquesne has suddenly died. His estranged daughter Cassie (played by Debbie Reynolds lookalike and future John McCain supporter Connie Stevens) shows up at this funeral, and later attends the read of his will-at the Hollywood Bowl.
Cassie must spend seven nights in her father's mansion in order to inherit his estate. A reporter named Val Henderson (played by future Disney star, Jesus freak and gay marriage opponent Dean Jones) takes an interest in her, but we are not sure if his aim is true because he doesn't let on that he's with the press.
Things get off to a spooky start when Cassie flips a light switch and something surprising happens. Here's a spoiler-free hint: the lights don't turn on.

Turns out dad was quite the prankster and the mansion is full of mildly spooky gags that would make any rational person giggle.
But Cassie can't take a joke, and any time she encounters one of her father's scare tactics, she calls on Val to save her. So Val begins to spend the nights with her in the house-in his own room.

When a belligerent new housekeeper shows up and insinuates that the two are a couple, they get all defensive.

After Hazel quits, Val takes Cassie out for a few thrills and we get to see a really cool mid-60s amusement park. They ride a roller coaster, explore a house of mirrors and ride the coolest hanging orb thing.

See - I told you it was cool.

Then Val takes her to a nightclub, where three cool chicks dance in a giant cage. Is that Mink Stole in the middle?

What follows next is the most amazing and sexy scene in which Val just stares at Cassie.

And Cassie stares back at Val. I think David Lynch must have seen this as a young man and decided to become a filmmaker.

Then they kiss. And kiss. And kiss.

A two-sided pillow that they won at the amusement park, flips over to the "GO" side.

Oh did I mention, that there's a white rabbit living in the house that apparently nobody feeds or cleans up after?

Daddy's old housekeeper Dolly pays a visit. She's been drinking and she lets it all out - revealing the truth about Mr. Duquesne, his poor wife and other terrible secrets! When it's revealed that Val is a reporter, Cassie boots him out.

Oops - you weren't supposed to see that!

Poor Cassie, looks like she's not gonna last all seven nights...

especially when her nightmares become more and more ghoulish.

Oh, hi dad!

 Hey - wait a minute, I'm not supposed to be in here!!!

So Cassie wakes up and takes a stroll around the mansion, entering a locked room where dad kept his infamous guillotine.

Wait...is Nicole Kidman in this movie? No, it's just Cassie getting startled by something else.

Silly rabbit.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Meanwhile, Val gets the rest of the story from Dolly. I'm not telling, but is that a hint of incest in the air?

Oh no - how did Cassie end up in this predicament?

Um, that looks kinda sharp. I sure hope somebody doesn't back into the lever....

Yikes.

I'm not giving it away. But, happily the rabbit does not die.

I love this movie. 10 outa 10. Sure, it's been called "a dull, silly, tedious clinker" and "an old-fashioned, haunted-house spooker" - but give me this over a CGI-induced 3D movie based on a video game any day of the week. But that's just me, and I'm glad. Be sure to read the Dell comic book adaptation.

On a side, note how about we adopt "The Right to Love" as a pro-gay marriage anthem? Take that, Dean Jones.