MAME

What? My first post in almost 4 years!!! To celebrate the Blu-ray release of the camp classic MAME, let's revisit my in-depth analysis, originally posted way back in 2007!
This 1974 film adaptation of the 1966 Broadway smash starts with the reading of the will of Patrick Dennis' late father, by his trustee, Mr. Babcock. We see our first glimpse of Patrick in his damn short pants as well as various photographic portraits of stodgy relatives - concluding with a soft focus photo of Auntie Mame! The will states that Patrick is to be left in the care of his aunt, Mame Dennis (Lucille Ball).

Patrick and his nanny, Agnes Gooch (Jane Connell recreating her Broadway role after Madeline Kahn was fired by Lucy) take a train ride to live with Mame.The train ride gives way to a migraine-inducing montage of an art deco MAME logo super-imposed with stock footage of sex, violence and depravity from the WB film archives. Accompanying this visual assault is the song "St. Bridgette" song by Connell.

When they arrive at Beekman Place, they walk into a big cocktail party at Mame's palatial NYC apartment. Underneath a portrait of Lucy by Gustav Klimt, Mame is doing an awkward shimmy on her baby grand piano wearing a red velvet pantsuit and a giant diamond-encrusted crucifix. Lucy then proceeds to warble out a horrorific rendition of "It's Today", thus setting the tone for many musical atrocities to follow. Then Lucy does the Charleston and young Patrick introduces himself by asking if he may slide down her bannister!

Mame announces his arrival to the crowd and then offers him a martini. We soon meet Mame's buddy, stage actress and lush, Vera Charles (deliously played by Bea Arthur, creating her stage role under the direction of her husband Gene Saks). Lucy (in a soft focus close-up) reprises "It's Today" as Patrick gets to slide up and down the long bannister!

The next morning, Patrick wakes up Mame (who sleeps in full make-up) with his bugle. After learning that "Auntie Mame is hung" she tells that she is enrolling him a very non-traditional "School Of Life." Then she gives him a pad and pencil in order for him to write down words he doesn't understand like "libido," "bastard" and "vocal coach." Vera then wakes up in Mame's bath tub and for no good reason, mean-spirited Mame turns the shower on, drenching her best friend.

Then we are treated to Lucy shrieking out "Open a New Window" as a montage shows Mame and Patrick riding a pony, going to a museum, attending a womens' rights rally, going to see a burlesque show, visiting a firehouse, parachuting, sitting on the crown of the Statue of Liberty (huh?), arriving at the clothing-optional School of Life, praying at St. Patrick's Cathedral, studying the Torah at a temple and doing the tango at a speakeasy! All seems to going well until the police arrive and it's a raid!!! Everybody gets off though because the judge is one of Mame's society pals. She is apparently very well-connected.

Mr. Babcock arrives to check on Patrick, running into vindictive Vera, who is blabbering on about Coco Chanel, and leads the trustee right to the controversial school- causing Patrick to be taken out of Mame's custody!!! At that same exact moment, Mame learns that the stock market has crashed and she's wiped out. This is not a good day to be Mame Dennis.

To make amends to Mame, Vera offers her a very small role in her new show - an extremely modern operetta about a woman astronomer. "The Man In The Moon is a Lady" (sung by Bea) climaxes with a total Lucy Ricardo moment as Mame is still backstage admiring herself in the mirror when she is supposed to be onstage delivering her one line - which she eventually flubs and causes chaos when she falls off of a crescent moon and is beaten by Vera with a telescope!! The show is a fiasco, but the audience seems to enjoy it. Mame begs Vera for her forgiveness, but Vera declares "The Man In The Moon is a Bitch" and then slaps a little old lady who is trying to help her with her costume. I wonder if Bea improvised that.

Patrick, who was in the audience, reassures Mame that she's that he still loves her by singing "My Best Girl" - Lucy responds by croaking "My Best Beau" back to him. Poor little guy. Meanwhile, back at Beekman place - the repo men are taking her piano, her artwork, etc. Mame soon gets a job working selling rollerskates in a department store, For some reason, she's wearing a nun's habit (sans veil) with a big black bow. Mame demonstrates a pair of rollerskates by for a customer named Beauregard Jackson Pickett Burnside the 3rd (Robert Preston). However, Mame gets herself fired because she doesn't know how to write up a cash sale. Huh? After first skating around the entire store, Mame proceeds to rollerskate all the way home.

When she gets home, Patrick is visiting and Mame decides to lift everyone's spirits by giving early Christmas gifts. The boy gets a pair damn long pants- and her servants Ito (George Chiang) and Gooch also get something. Lucy then leads the foursome in a rousing version of "We Need A Little Christmas", while they decorate Gooch up as if she was a an Xmas tree and throw fake snow at her. Lucy then dons the most horrifying Santa Claus mask ever created. Agnes and Ito surprise Mame by telling her the butcher bill has been paid up till next September! How'd they know how much meat they're gonna want all the way into the future??? Patrick then gives her a kiss "on account" whatever that means. Ewww.

Just then, Beau shows up at the front door and invites everyone to dinner!!! Christmas has come early!

Before you know it, Beau takes Mame and Patrick to to visit his peach plantation in Peckerwood, Georgia - where they meet sugary-sweet, but wicked by Sally Cato. (Joyce Van Patten). Beau's grotesque mother, a Jabba the Hut lookalike, Mother Burnside greets Patrick with a belch. Mame, newly-blonde arrives dressed as a southern belle, complete with an embarrassing accent. Sally Cato signs Mame up to ride sidesaddle in a foxhunt- riding the "mad" horse named Lightning. The following day, Lucy's stuntwoman works overtime as she rides the crazy horse, passing the other hunters, passing the dogs, passing the fox and jumping over Mother Burnside's car! Mame is thrown from the horse and catches the adorable little fox, and impresses everyone by NOT killing it. This prompts several dozens of peoplee to serenade her with the titular, rousing and bombastic theme song, "Mame".

Mame and Beau, are soon married and on world tour. Robert Preston croons "Loving You" as they slow dance on a cruise ship, in a Japanese garden, in soft focus and in front of a fountain. Meanwhile, Patrick goes through puberty, goes to college and starts dating debutantes. Bruce Davison takes over the role at this point. A ski trip to the Alps leads to an avalanche which kills Beau, leaving Mame widowed and alone again, naturally.

Mame then returns home and is reunited with Patrick, who is dating a snobby bitchy girl named Gloria Upson. A post-funeral reunion with her old friend Vera leads to the fun duet "Bosom Buddies", a song which once led a friend of mine to declare (90 minutes into the movie) that "the one on the left can't sing". It took him THAT long to notice!!!

Mame and Vera then decide to give frumpy Agnes a makeover and send her off into the world because "Life is a banquet, and most poor sons of bitches are starving to death." Six months later, Agnes returns home, pregnant - just as Mame is dining with Patrick and the dreadful Gloria. Patrick sees Agnes, who's been hiding in the kitchen, and decides be a good idea for Mame to visit the Upsons at their home in Connecticut.

What follows is my favorite sequence in the whole film, as Mame visits the Upsons (Don Porter and Audrey Christie) at their home, Upson Downs. After meeting all the various Upsons, Mame learns that Patrick and Gloria are engaged! The Upsons entertain Mame in their rumpus room (a former slave quarters) and introduce her to their black maid Bertha ("so many of them are so snotty these days"). Then they serve her appetizers made of tuna, clam juice and peanut butter. They ask Mame to help pay for a piece of property next door to so that the newlyweds could live there, as opposed to "the wrong kind of people."

They Upsons then show Mame home movies of Gloria - but Mame can't be any less interested. When Mame leaves, she confronts Patrick about her dislike of the Upsons, proclaiming him a snob (which he is) after he tells her that he's ashamed of her and her "crazy" friends. She tells him that the Upsons are bigots and he tells her to forget she ever knew him. This is where my favorite part ends, because as heartbroken Mame drives back home to NYC, Lucy butchers the beautiful ballad "If He Walked Into My Life". Where is Eydie Gorme when you need her???

Apparently Mame and Patrick have patched things up off-screen because the Upsons are now visiting Beekman Place. Patrick soon meets Mame's pretty new maid, Pegeen (Bobbie Jordan). The Upsons arrive, all pissed off because the property they'd wanted had been bought thanks to "some Jew lawyer." Then Mame serves them some baked monkey and Vera makes a grand entrance into with a quintet of nameless men wearing tuxedos singing "It's Today ". Vera then toasts to the new couple, mistaking Pegeen for Gloria. At that moment, pregnant Agnes crashes the party and is invited her to sit with everyone. Suddenly, a bus full of unwed pregnant women barge in, singing "Open A New Window" as Mame reveals to the Upsons that she bought the land next door to Upson Downs in oder to build the Beauregarde Burnside Memorial Home For Single Mothers. The Upsons have total fit, exclaiming that Mame isn't "one of them," dragging Gloria with them - just as Patrick makes eye contract with Pegeen! Hmmmm....

Flash forward, Patrick and Pegeen are now married and have a son, Peter. Mame, sporting gray hair, is off on a trip to Russia, and asks if Peter could join her. Although Patrick and Pegeen resist at first, Peter tells them off and they relent. Huh? Mame and Peter wave goodbye and board the plane. No luggage - I guess they will shop for long pants in Siberia. Music soars as the plane takes off. What follows is a montage of Mame hugging Vera, Gooch, Beau, adult Patrick and finally young Patrick! The End!

Whew! What a way to start the holiday movie season! I have to say that MAME is one of my favorite films of all time. I know Lucy's singing was atrocious, her dancing wooden, her comic timing is off at times, and at age 63 she was way too old to be playing a character in her 40s - but all I know is that when I saw MAME at Radio City Musical Hall as a child - I had a great time - and that's all that mattered.

Of course, IF Angela Lansbury was allowed to star in the film version - it may have been critically acclaimed, it might won some Oscars and might also have been a box-office hit. But that never happened. What did happen was Lucille Ball as Mame - and I relish ever minute of it. 10 outta 10  and worth every one of 'em.

The Happiest Millionaire

Here's a re-post from 2008. Enjoy. Or not.
So Big! So Romantic! So Full of Life! So What? THE HAPPIEST MILLIONAIRE is famous for being the last film that Walt Disney oversaw before his death. It was intended to be the next MARY POPPINS, but was a huge critical and box office failure. For years I've wondered about it, so I finally decided to rent it and see what all the hate is about. The film opens in 1916 Philadelphia, as John Lawless (creepy-looking Tommy Steele), an optimistic lad, is seeking employment as the butler for the wealthy Drexel-Biddle family. He is supposed to be charming, but I find him annoying - especially when he's singing "Fortuosity" repeatedly and talking directly to the camera. He's like an obnoxious human cousin to Jiminy Cricket. Next we meet the long-suffering family maid, Mrs. Worth (played by the great Hermione Baddeley, better known as Mrs. Naugatuck from MAUDE).Finally we meet our star, the scowling patriotic patriarch Anthony Drexel-Biddle, (the usually likable Fred MacMurray), who runs a bible study class and fight club in his stately manor. He also raises pet alligators and is obsessed with the Marines Corps. He's loud, opinionated and supposedly a happy millionaire.His gay-ish sons (who only appear in one scene) are very protective of their tomboy sister  Cordy (the perky Lesley Ann Warren), who announces her unconventional plans to go away to school...much to her overbearing father's disappointment.
Once away, and living on campus, Cordy begs her sassy, rogue-wearing (i.e. slutty) roommate (future MATCH GAME star Joyce Bulifant) to teach her how to flirt. As a result, she meets a dashingly ambitious young man named Angier Duke (future HOLLYWOOD SQUARES host John Davidson), who's big dream is to move to Detroit and work in the auto industry. Wasn't this also a plotline from John Waters' FEMALE TROUBLE?When Cordy and Angie's plans to wed are announed, Mr. Drexel-Biddle loses his shit, but relents after Duke kicks his ass in jujitsu.Subplots about Anthony's frozen pet alligators......the revolving-door household staff, and Anthony's desire to join the Marine Corps(even though he is clearly over 50 years of age) do nothing to advance the plot.

Angie's snobby New York mother, Mrs. Duke (Geraldine Page) is not impressed by the Drexel-Biddles. I don't blame her.There's a whole Phillie vs. New York feud thing going on - and it becomes apparent when Cordy's Aunt Mary (Gladys Cooper) has a bitchfest with Mrs. Duke  (my favorite scene so far) - and things go from bad to worse when the Duke family's wedding invitations get misplaced! When it looks like the wedding is off, the butler takes Angie out drinking at a rowdy bar populated only by singing and dancing men. A brawl ensues and Angie is arrested. Mrs. Biddle (Agnes Moorhead, um, I mean Greer Garson) is not amused. Cordy declares the wedding is off and the whole gang shows up to bail out Angie - and then the happy couple decide to elope! It all ends with Mrs. Biddle explaining to her husband that "It Won't Be Long Till Christmas" while they lament growing old - and oh yeah, Anthony get accepted to join the Marines! Whatever.

THE HAPPIEST MILLIONAIRE turns out to be a big, boisterous overblown un-magical musical about absolutely nothing! Unlike many Broadway and film musicals of this era (FUNNY GIRL or MAME, for instance), this one has barely anything in it to hold the viewers interest. Certainly children would not know to make of this - especially if they were fans of this:  I cannot imagine the average Disney fan to be enthralled by this humdrum outting. Even this comic book adaptation grasped at straws to find something entertaining about it:I think Disney wanted his own MY FAIR LADY or HELLO, DOLLY but ended up with HELLO, MY BORING LADY. Like MEET ME IN ST. LOUIS, the story is based on a true story about a stubborn father and his brood - but unlike that MGM classic, this film lacks interesting characters, enjoyable musical numbers and a compelling reason to watch it. At almost 3 hours in length, you'd think we'd get to know and care about these characters - but I found myself loathing most of them. The songs, written by Disney legends the Sherman Brothers, are not their best work and are quite unmemorable. Overall, a pretty dreary experience, considering how "Happy" this was supposed to be. So there you have it . Once again, I've watched it, so you never have to. If you do decide to check it out, watch with caution and lots of caffeine!

DEVILS OF DARKNESS

DEVILS OF DARKNESS (1965, directed by Lance Comfort) is one of this films that feels awfully familiar to me. I feel like I've seen bits and pieces of this British gothic tale told many times before-and told much more effectively.

It all begins in a foggy graveyard where a gaggle of red-hooded cultists have gathered. One of the figures yanks off his hood and a tomb cracks open. Shivers! Suddenly we're at a Gypsy picnic in the woods - and a sexy Esmerelda lookalike enchants us (and a creepy gentleman friend) with her dirty gypsy dance. The gypsies (and theoretically tramps AND thieves) then toast to "Tania and Bruno" - the happy couple. They are about to perform a gypsy blood ceremony with a dirty knife when all of a sudden a bat flies out of a tomb causing Tania to collapse. Then the wind blows and we find out she's dead!!!

Her blood wedding day turns out to be the day of her funeral instead, and after she's buried, another gust of wind causes chaos. A hand opens her coffin and tells her to awaken - another creepy guy (who looks like Rosalind Russell as Auntie Mame) tells her that she has been chosen as HIS bride and she "will follow him till the end of time."

And then the credits roll...

Now I think we are in France at a vacation inn where a bunch of chatty Brits walk around the set yammering on about all sorts of nonsense. I gather that these five are Anne Forest, her male friend Paul Baxter, her brother Keith and his male friend David. The last of the bunch is the chattiest, a spunky redhead named Madeleine Braun. We learn that "the boys" Keith and David are off for a day of spelunking and probably gay sex, despite that it's All Souls Eve and they'll miss the quaint ghoul parade. Anne hopes they'll be back in time cause they "hate to miss out on anything!." Then we see Keith and David climbing through a "dark hole" and make their way through some "caves". Wink wink, nudge nudge.

It's soon time for the parade, which consists of people dressed like pilgrims carrying big candles. Madeleine decides that Anne and Paul need some "alone time" and takes a taxi back to wherever she came from. I guess she's not that into the parade either. Meanwhile, the boys are still crawling through the caves, grinning like idiots as they make their way through spider webs, dripping water and rats. Then they come upon a coffin, with a woman's hand sticking out of it - and a pair of dark hands grab Keith (or is it David?) from behind!!!

An old gypsy woman sneaks up on Ann and Paul and starts rambling on about "the evil eye, the devil of darkness, the mark of the black death" and all sorts of other stuff. Soon we learn that Keith is dead...and has a bite mark on his neck. They surmise that David is also dead in the cave, but we have no proof of this. We notice that Tania the dead gypsy is among the crowd. Spooky.

Later, Tania's nameless friend with a speech impediment (who I'll call Count Chocula) tries to comfort Anne about her brother's sudden death by taking her for a walk on a bridge. Honestly, I don't think she seems too upset. Shouldn't she be making funeral arrangements or calling other family members by now? She tells the Count that there's a strange fragrance in the air, then she notices that he has no reflection in the water below them. He then tries to strangle her, and she fights him by ripping open his shirt, causing a gold necklace to fall to the ground. On the necklace is a bat/snake emblem.

A French inspector (Clouseau?) shows up at the inn and is of no help to Paul - who seems to be the only person concerned about Anne and her dead brother (and his missing friend). Then Clouseau gets a call - Anne has been found dead in the lake, an apparent suicide. Still no sign of David.

Paul can't sleep, so the desk clerk comes to see him in his room. Count Chocula has made a visit to give Paul his condolences. Paul tells the Count that the people in this town are afraid of something...or someone. Duh. Paul discovers that the Count's walking stick with the same bat/snake emblem and has a knife hidden in it! Meanwhile, we learn that Paul has the gold necklace and is hiding it in his typewriter.

Chocula is holding a ritualistic ceremony in the woods, a chicken has been sacrificed. Everyone is there. Franken Berry, Boo Berry, Fruit Brute and possibly even Mrs. Butterworth. Anne's body is in a coffin and her brother Keith's is there too, only they took off his shirt. Hmmmm...hot. Anne screams (I guess she's not dead - yet) and they drag her into the woods. No mrntion of poor David. I guess he's the epitome of what you would call an "expendable character".

Madeleine (remember her?) comes by the inn to see Paul. Not fazed one bit that two (or three, counting David) of her friends are now dead. A newspaper headline announces that 2 coffins have disappeared on route from France to England! I guess it was a slow news day in the EU.

Next we're back in the UK, as Paul visits Dr. Kelsey, the Mr. Wizard of England. Kelsey is giving injections to rabbits as he blabbers on about extraterrestrials, black magic, the evil eye, which craft and some talisman. Meanwhile, we learn that Madeleine runs an antique shoppe called The Odd Spot. Paul gives her a call but she's too self-absorbed to give a shit. We learn she has hired a sexy new girl named Karen Steele.

Scotland Yard has sent 2 inspectors to see Paul. He co-operates, but doesn't give them all the facts. Dr. Kelsey warns Paul about the bat/snake talisman, but it's too late because Kelsey's lab animals (including two bats, a snake and a monkey!) begin to freak out as strong winds blow open their cages.

Back at Madeleine's, she's throwing a fabulous cocktail for all her beatnik friends. Everyone is smoking and dancing to jazz. Paul comes by to talk, but she foists Karen on him because she's too busy playing a deranged Mame Dennis. (Second MAME reference so far!) Chocula shows up too. What's a party without him?

When Paul gets back home, his pad has been ransacked, but nothing's stolen. Not even the talisman. (Which is still hodden - much like David) The inspectors arrive and inform him that Dr. Kelsey is dead from a snake bite. Paul decides he needs to continue Kelsey's research. Meanwhile, Karen starts posing as a model for Chocula's painting. The Count introduces his wife (Tania) to Karen as "Daniella". Tania seems visibly jealous. The count tells her all he wants is the talisman. Meanwhile, Paul tries to get a book from the library called "Talisman: The Power of Magic," but they tell him that the one copy they have is "restricted" and he needs to come back tomorrow. Right.

The next morning Paul calls on Karen to check on her, but she's still asleep. Some old lady tells Paul that she's not even there. Okay. Back at the library, guess what? The book has been stolen - and it was the only copy in England! Turns out Tania has it, and she opens it to a page revealing that our count is the legendary "Count Sinistre"! When Paul returns home, he is greeted by a voodoo doll, when he pulls out a pin Karen feels it. When Sinistre kisses her, she first tries to stab him, but then she gives in. Oh Karen...oh David!

Paul visits Madeleine again and begins to interrogate her about Karen, and she is as uncooperative as usual. She's sure Karen will show up eventually. Maybe with David??? Next Paul shows the talisman to the inspectors and tells them that all the murder victims had bite marks! They tell him that he's a suspect. Meanwhile, the guys in the red robes now have Dr. Kelsey in a coffin. Talk about obsession! They love stealing coffins as much as I love talking about David!

So, Tania is now burning the rare book. Damn girl, you can get a fortune for that on eBay! She then confronts
Sinistre about his lust for Karen and he SLAPS her! He tells her that he just wants his damn talisman back.
We've heard that before. We now see that Karen is under his power and has bite marks on her neck to prove it! Tania, meanwhile, finds one page from the book that did not burn - the page about Count Sinistre!

Back at Madeleine's, the painting of Karen appears and it's signed with the bat/snake emblem! Paul tells Madeleine that he gave the talisman to the police and she flips out! Tania then pays Paul a visit while he sleeps, and grabs a knife. Only she doesn't cut him, but slashes the painting of Karen...and it bleeds!!! Tania starts to write a note in the blood..."The O..." What can it mean? The Oscars? The OC? The Osmonds??? Or mabye it was a misshaped D...for David!

Paul brings the page to the police and they surmise that "The O" means "The Odd Spot" - Madeleine's shoppe! They race to the shoppe, but madcap Maddy has disappeared and headlines blare that Dr. Kelsey grave has been robbed!!! Meanwhile , Karen wakes up at the inn and tries on a crucifix and it burns her skin!!! Luckily Madeleine's beatnik friends are there to help her when she collapses. There's another wild party complete with a snake dancer and lesbians smoking cigars while tribal music plays. I'd wish we'd get a glimpse of David among the party goers. But alas, still missing. Madeleine is preparing Karen for her "big dat" with the count. An old drunk is ejected from the party after he spills red wine on the white carpet. Who can blame them? It's nice to know that even Satanists are tidy. It warms my heart.

Count Sinistre enters the room full of red-hodded people. They all climb down the stairs down in the caverns beneath the inn. Will they find David while they are down there? Or baby Jessica? No, just a Satantic ritual with Karen in a white gown. Is she a virigin? A bride? Or did her red hair clash with the red robe? Oh no - it looks like she's gonna be sacrificed! Not quite, because Scotland Yard is closing in on them. It's the cops vs. the cultists - ands they all freak out when Tania reveals Karen's crucifix burn scar.

The cops arrive, everything explodes and the caves begin to collapse. Any sign of David? Nope. The count and Karen escape through a graveyard but the sight of a cross-shaped tombstone in the sunlight causes him to melt in the sun and turn into a skeleton.

The End. The moral: "When you monkey around with black magic - who knows what you are up against." Moral #2 - If you go spelunking with another supporting character, don't expect to be seen or mentioned ever again. Oddly enough, Rod McLennan, the actors who played David later appeared on stage in England with Jack Klugman in THE ODD COUPLE! Odd Couple...Odd Spot...odd movie...How odd!

6 out of 10 "Huhs?".

THE CHRISTMAS THAT ALMOST WASN'T

While Doug watched MAME, STONE PILLOW, BENJI and DOLLS, Danny got into the sprit of the holidays with a little charmer from across the seas:
THE CHRISTMAS THAT ALMOST WASN'T should be renamed THE DVD THAT ALMOST WASN'T!!! because I ended up fast forwarding through most of it.  This is a rare Italian family movie from 1966, with Italian actors, poorly dubbed into English that should remain rare for it's own good!

The plot goes something like this: aptly named Mr. Prune didn't like Christmas so he bought the North Pole and threatrened to evict Santa and his band of truly frightening elves. I found the one that looks like Rachel Dratch the most haunting. There was also a tall creepy guy in charge of the elves that sang (Oh yeah, did I tell you it's a musical?)  "Gooble gaggle boogle faggle toys, boys, noise!  Flit, flat, clit, blaht mysogyny rules!"  For real!
Later, in order to help save Christmas, creepy Mr. Whipple (No, not that one, the accountant one) convinces Mr. Macy of Italy to let Santa work in the department store.  So there's Santa selling roller skates.  Wait!  That was MAME.  This is LAME. So Santa's job is to sit with Mr. Whipple and play with toys while singing.   My favorite toy was the toy train that kept bumping into Santa's ass.  I suspect it was his favorite toy, too!  Soon the kids are all at the store sitting on Santa's lap, whilst Santa gives them the most frightening toys ever.  In this shot Santa gives a little girl what we called the Deer Spider!!  In close up you see what it really looked like ...
Yes, these are the sick & twisted toys Santa was handing out.  In an effort to stop Santa, Mr. Prune tried popping balloons, but they just had more.  Then he tried pouring itching powder on Santa & the kids, but he just got it on himself.  So he took the next logical step...just fucking blowing up Santa and all them damn kids with dynamite under Santa's chair!!! He must REALLY hate Christmas to blow up Santa!

Fortunately, a very stern looking boy child caught Mr. Prune's eye and wiggled his finger as if to say, "nah uh, not cool."  That one simple finger wiggle was enough to stop Mr. Prune from blowing up the shit out of that place.  So, Mr. Prune finally buys Italian Macy's and fires Santa and Auntie Mame!!!

Then in the throes of desperation, Santa sits on a park bench in a dimly lit park.  Now, I was still fast forwarding, but if I got it right, it went like this...  this very adult looking 9 year old boy comes to Santa carrying a tree, (you see...he's got wood for Santa) Then, he and Santa look longingly into each other's eyes.  Then, Santa takes the boy's hand and the boy gets on his knees.  I figure the kid was all, "Hey, Santa, I can help you get your rent money by turning a few tricks.  I'll show you how I do it..."  then he starts blowing into a horn-like thing and all the kids in Italian world bring their piggy banks and give them to Santa and he pays his rent.

Wow! Christmas has been saved! Therefore it's THE CHRISTMAS THAT WAS AFTER ALL! Next year, I'm watching MAME instead.

On Doug's scale - lotsa "Huhs?", but no hugs - 4 out of 10 from Danny.