MALIBU HIGH

Back in 2009, I had wanted to watch a breezy comedy for a cool summer night, so I decided to pop in MALIBU HIGH (1979, directed by Irv Berwick) - what could be more light and airy than a California & surf flick from the late 1970s? After all–just look at the poster!

Well, MALIBU HIGH was not what I had expected.

The film centers on 30 year old Malibu High school senior Kim Bentley, the crankiest, most mean-spirited, chain-smoking, free-loading and often topless best friend anyone could ever have.

Kim is nasty to her mother, cruel to her schoolmates, bitchy to her best friend/chauffer Lucy, obnoxious to her teachers and just downright loathsome. She refers her ex's new spoiled rich girlfriend Annette as "a piece of shit".

In true John Waters' fashion, every line of dialogue out of actress Jill Lansing's mouth seems to be yelled at another character. And this plucky heroine is who the viewer is supposed to identify with?

Oh, by the way, for some unknown reason, the electronic music from the 1970s version of the PBS logo is used to bridge scenes throughout the film. Honestly, was it free?

After a wild dance party at Jerry's Disco and Mexican Restaurant, Kim decides to take control of her life (and make her ex-boyfriend Kevin jealous) by becoming gainfully employed by Tony, the local pimp and weed dealer.

So Kim starts screwing all the Malibu locals in the back of a van for $$$ while pledging to improve her school grades. She accomplishes this by having sex with all her teachers in exchange for better marks. Why not? In possibly some of the un-sexiest sex scenes ever filmed, Kim goes to town - and it's all about bad tanlines, hairy moles, rashes and back hair.

In attempt to go "big time," she soon hooks up with a more experienced pimp, Lance. Only Lance doesn't want her to just fuck people, he wants her to kill them–starting with Tony. Will she do it? What do you think?Yeah, that's right, high school student by day - killer hooker by night! I told you this movie was no walk on the beach. It gets very dark, that you even forget that it's supposed to be set in sunny Malibu.

Just to remind you of the locale, it all ends with a giant chase scene on the beach that is accompanied by the long-version of THE PEOPLE'S COURT theme song. I guess it was public domain?

What a strange, awful little film. Not a comedy, but unintentionally funny because its so poorly executed. I wonder why it was marketed as a fluffy sex romp, when its clearly a violent psychological thriller. In any case, it's a worth a look just because it's so bizarre. I'll give it a 6.5 outta ten.

The Sentinel

Here's a repost from 2009...

By the late 1970s, it seemed like each major studio had its own classy horror franchise. Warners had THE EXORCIST, Fox had THE OMEN, even Disney had its WITCH MOUNTAIN series.  Not to be outdone, Universal brought us 1977's THE SENTINEL (directed by food critic Michael Winner- it's true, look it up!), based on the novel by Jeffrey Konvitz .  Like many thrillers of the decade, the story starts in a faraway land where some kind of religious curse is established and then the action shifts to modern-day USA where innocent victims fall prey to the ancient evil. At its heart, THE SENTINEL is really a cautionary tale of a beautiful, but troubled young supermodel who gets in with the wrong crowd.  Kinda like MAHOGANY meets ROSEMARY'S BABY.Christina Raines is Alison Parker, a flat-chested cover girl who is about to sign a lease on her first apartment, in an elegant Brooklyn brownstone. Her real estate agent is played by the then-still-glamourous Hollywood legend Ava Gardner–in a performance that has subliminally inspired many a drag queen. We learn that Alison is recently out of the looney bin and is engaged to a slick young lawyer named Michael (Chris Sarandon) who only wears Sansabelt slacks and who is a recent widower. Alison's problems seem to stem from her walking in on her decrepit father while he was celebrating his birthday with lots of balloons, two overweight hookers and some really messy cake. Her reaction to this: she slit her wrists! Alison's new $400 a month apartment comes already furnished, and aside from the blind priest (John Carradine) who lives in the penthouse - all seems quite normal. She is welcomed into the building by an elderly bon vivant (Burgess Meredith- having a ball with the role) and his pets which I dubbed "Sylvester and Tweety".  We next meet a wacky lesbian couple played by the great Sylvia Miles and Beverly D'Angelo. Bev's character does not speak, but she does likes to masturbate to orgasm through her clothes right in front of Alison.  Yup. Charming! The rest of the tenants are quite an odd bunch, but they seem nice enough, especially when they throw a lavish cocktail party to welcome her and her cameltoe.Things take a turn towards the creepy when Alison is awakened by noises coming from the apartment above - and a swinging chandelier above her bed. The apartment above her is supposed to be abandoned!!! When she tells Ava about the disturbances, she finds out that no one lives in the building besides her and the old priest on the top floor! Spooky. Plagued by headaches and fainting spells, Alison's modeling career begins to suffer - but yet she refuses to leave the building, which is clearly haunted by the cast of THE WILD PARTY. Worried about her mental health, her fiancée Michael hires a private eye to look out for her. One night Alison dreams that Sylvester finally gets his paws on that little yellow canary. Awwww.

(Artwork by James and Harry Cauty) 

Alison then is suddenly attacked by a zombie who looks like her dead father - so she goes at him with a knife. Later, the body of the private eye shows up dead with multiple stab wounds. Ouch! At a party with real people (as opposed to the friendly ghosts in her building) she has another of her headaches and passes out. Meanwhile, Michael learns that the apartment building, owned by the Catholic church, was built over the gateway to hell!!! Apparently the blind priest is the night watchman who keeps all the demons at bay - and Alison is next in line to BE the Sentinel!

We also learn that all Alison's ghostly friends are actually dead murderers who are trying to escape from hell and that sweet, kindly Burgess Meredith is Satan incarnate.This leads to the real disturbing part of the film, coming at the climax when the gates to hell are opened and Alison's apartment is filled with demons, lesbians and deformed people (played by real life ‘circus freaks’) that creep towards our heroine in hopes that she'll commit suicide, therefore releasing them from hell forever. 

While I think Christina Raines is gorgeous, her acting is a bit wooden and I would have loved to see the first choice, Kate Jackson in the lead role. Chris Sarandon is perfect as Michael. Along the way some great, reliable actors get to chew the scenery: Martin Balsam as a professor, Jose Ferrer as a priest, Arthur Kennedy as the Monsignor, Eli Wallach and Christopher Walken as cops, Jerry Orbach (looking like a young Adolph Hitler) as a commercial director and Jeff Goldblum as a smarmy fashion photographer.

While not a classic, fans of big, gothic 70s horror films should check it out. On my old "Huh" scale - THE SENTINEL gets a big fat 9 outta 10 for Beverly D'Angelo's ridiculously over-the-top and surprisingly graphic masturbation scene alone which I've dubbed THE DaCUCHI CODE!  I'll leave you with this image...Boo!

More Random TV GUIDE Ads - DIXIE: CHANGING HABITS

No, this isn't the true story of Dixie Carter's conversion from a Democrat to a Republican, but a wacky TV movie about nuns and hookers - two of my favorite things starring two of my MTM favorites the late Suzanne (BOB NEWHART SHOW) Pleshette and the amazingly ageless Cloris (MARY TYLER MOORE, PHYLLIS) Leachman. This is one that I'm gonna have to hunt down because what's funnier than a whore in a convent? NOTHING! Why this wasn't turned into a weekly series, I just don't know. If I ran CBS this would have been the cornerstone of an entire line-up built around both nuns and prostitutes. They could private eyes, crime scene investigators, roommates - every tired cliche could be turned on its proverbial head with a little injection of DIXIE. All "heaven" could have broke loose indead!

Selections from My Library: BACK PACK BOYS

Where's he hiding his backpack?

SUPERCHICK

As a Friday the 13th treat, here's a post I originally ran 4 years ago...when I had time to "review" movies...

From the title and poster one would assume that SUPERCHICK was either a WONDER WOMAN parody or a white FOXY BROWN knockoff. In reality, SUPERCHICK has a lot more in common with THE HAPPY HOOKER. A few minutes into the story, we quickly learn that the "joke" of this movie is that things aren't always as they first appear. For instance, at first we see a sexy brunette stewardess...but soon she disappears into a phone booth...and emerges as a sexy blonde in a Black Canary costume. 

Unfortunately the black fishnets do not cover her bruised legs. Ouch. Next we think we are seeing drinks being poured in an elegant restaurant, but the camera pulls back to reveal: it's a bathtub in a fancy suite owned by a brain surgeon who has Thomas Gainsboro "Blue Boy" hanging over his toilet. 

So here we learn that Superchick is sleeping with him in this yellow wallpaper and shag carpeting paradise. I think he asks her to marry him, but I'm not sure since my notes are kinda sloppy tonight. She tells the good doctor - "I feel like an Avon Lady in Sun City." Huh???

From there we see Tom Jones (really Tony Young from POLICEWOMEN as Johnny) in bed with a topless woman who looks like a big-titted Barbara Barrie in her BARNEY MILLER days (actually it's porn legend Candy Samples!). 

Soon Superchick aka Tara B. True arrives in Miami in her stewardess guise. Meanwhile, Johnny puts on a sexy stripe sweater and goes to meet with the Gay Mafia who dress in red and mustard.

They look like plastic condiment dispensers. Johnny gets pissed at them and as they drive away in their fancy car he yells "Fags!" Tara next turns up on Johnny's boat wearing only a fishing net with "floats" on her tits, vagina and ass. Then we think we see skidmarks on Johnny's tighty whities as he mounts her.

This is followed by an endless montage of them doing Miami type things like running on the beach, water skiing, playing tennis, dancing, gambling and drinking. When Johnny asks her to marry him she makes up some Shakespeare quote.

Then Johnny parks in "the white zone" at the airport - and Tara's back in her stewardess uniform (we learn she works for Crown International Airlines - a clever play on the company that distributed the film). 

On the plane, she offers a drink to a rude old man and then fucks a cute marine in the airplane restroom. She arrives at LAX and is greeted by another boyfriend - this one's a rock star who looks like he possibly has Down's Syndrome. Next she's kicking ass in karate class. Huh?

At this point one of my co-viewers declares "I've got no idea what is going on!!!" The rest of us are also confused, so we decide to recount everything that has happened so far...

1) A stewardess gets into a phonebooth and changes.

2) She's brunette, and then she's blonde.

3) She's eating dinner in a bathtub discussing fine art.

4) She flew to Miami.

5) She met the Tom Jones lookalike who was fucking a cow.

6) Tom loses money on dog races and hates fags.

7) He's either a drunk or just tired from the Miami montage

8) She flew to LA to meet the Down's Syndrome guy

9) Oh, she fucked a marine on the plane

10) Oh, she quotes Shakespeare, we think.

11) She met a Chinese guy played by a Hawaiian actor.

We conclude that there is a difference between "actual plot" and "things happening". I think we're all caught up now. But nothing explains this new guy who looks like Norm McDonald playing Burt Reynolds. Then somebody in the movie (I don't remember who) says "Holy shit!" to the camera. He ain't kidding!

At this point, I decide to Google our lead actress Joyce Jillson -pwho turns out to be Joyce Jillson - celebrity astrologer. Joyce was an author of a nationally syndicated astrology column which appeared in nearly 200 newspapers including the LA Times and the NY Daily News! She also was Ronald Reagan's official psychic!!! administration! She died in 2004. Wow...Who knew?

Back to the movie - and her big white stewardess bag. Soon a black guy pays special attention to her. Next we see a woman being whipped - but it's not what you think - it's the set of a porn movie! Tensions are high, especially when the porn actress calls her male lead a "fag". Tara then gets advice from the leading lady "to get into Show Business, you gotta SHOW your BUSINESS!"

Next Tara's at a wild hippy party which looks like it's at a disco - but the camera pulls back to reveal - it's somebody's house! Here she and the black dude, let's call him "Jimi Hendrix", finally hook up as he offers her a joint. (There's even a Hendrix poster on the wall behind them) So then they have a deep moment as she sips a Tab from a straw. 

Things get out of hand when the "heat freaks" (aka "cops") show up and bust everyone, but Tara changes back into her stewardess get-up and escapes. Then she gets "flashed". I think.

So, the rock star guy is playing the piano badly, then they fuck inside of it. NOT on top of it, but INSIDE of it, which must hurt. Downs guy wants to marry her too! EVERYBODY wants to marry Tara! Then she rants over Bolero type music and they fuck more.

Next we meet old John Carradine, who is dressed as a Russian Czar. 

There's fight that involves him and his stunt double, but we can't figure out what it's all about. Then the Gay mafia shows up again on a plane and there's a little boy who also possibly has Down's Syndrome just starring at the camera. What is going on here???

Okay, Tara gets off the plane and it's SO WINDY that her tits pop out of her uniform! Suddenly all three boyfriends are there and she tells them she can't marry them - because she loves them ALL! "Life is made up of people, not ONE person". Oh - so that's what this movie was about all along...now I get it. Wow...I love Superchick too.

But why is she called SUPERCHICK? She doesn't have any powers or fight crime...she just fucks a lot of guys. Super.

9 outta 10 - mostly for the AMAZING soundtrack and fabulous outfits.

THE GRASSHOPPER

Ever wonder what inspired screenwriter Joe Esterhas to create the cinematic masterpiece called SHOWGIRLS? After watching THE GRASSHOPPER (1970, directed by Jerry Paris, who previously directed 84 episodes of THE DICK VAN DYKE SHOW), I'm pretty sure it was this film.

Some sources claim THE GRASSHOPPER is an Americanized remake of the British film DARLING (1966). Perhaps I need to check that flick out too.

Actually, THE GRASSHOPPER was written by Garry Marshall (HAPPY DAYS, et all) and Jerry Belson (THE DREW CAREY SHOW, etc.), adapted from a pulp crime novel called PASSING OF EVIL.

Having been out-of-print on VHS, this "lost" film is now back in circulation - just waiting for a new generation of cult movie fans to discover it.

Before I get to analyzing the plot, I'd like to mention that film's soundtrack has a decidedly MIDNIGHT COWBOY influence and features a track by THE CAROL BURNETT SHOW's very own Vicki Lawrence!

Thanks to the fine folks at The Warner Archive Collection, I now present THE GRASSHOPPER! (Spoilers ahead).

Originally released through Nation General, the film became part of the WB library when NGC folded in the early 70s.

We first see our star Jacquie Bisset as she is preparing to leave for a trip.

Obviously she is leaving home to get away from something. Bad decor, perhaps?

She really must hate this place since she even leaves her adorable kitten behind!

I wonder how Donfeld felt to have his name over the exhaust from Jaquie's jalopy?

Because she doesn't have AAA, Jacquie must hitchhike. A guy in a pick-up picks her up. Feeling a bit Nomi Malone-ish yet?

How about now? Her planned trip to LA is detoured to Vegas!

Ah, the strip in it's glory days!

Jacquie doesn't seem to be a winner at roulette.

But she does have that winning smile.

But horndog stand-up comic Danny Raymond (Corbett Monica) thinks she can use it to her advantage.

So does casino mogul Jack Benton (played perfectly by the late, great Ed Flanders of ST. ELSEWHERE fame).

Retired hunky football pro Tom Marcott (played by retired football pro Jim Brown!) likes her too! The problem is that Jacquie is engaged to be married - in Los Angeles!

She shows up in LA and disrupts her fiancee Eddie's work day by causing a scene in the bank where he works. She announces that she's Christine Adams and she's 19 (really?) and she's going to be married! So Eddie gets her a job at the bank. It seems like the perfect set-up: a handsome fella, a steady job and a nice place to live.

But she's quickly bored to death with Eddie, the job and his boring LA banker friends. She gets herself and Eddie in trouble by writing a prankish note and handing it to a bank customer. Before you know it, Chris is on her way back to Vegas - where life is exciting!

So, like a grasshopper, Christine is back in Vegas at the Stardust.

Danny Raymond teaches her how to get ahead in Vegas and how to smoke in bed all in one lesson.

"In my hometown, I was considered one of the overdeveloped girls." Voila! Christine is suddenly a showgirl in a glittery topless revue!

The star of the show, a pouty-lipped brunette makes a lesbian advance towards her. "If you need anything, just ask me." Hmmm...paging Cristal Conners!

Chris gets to appears onstage in several understated outfits by Donfeld including this furry get-up.

The future Laverne DeFazio makes a brief appearance as one of the Plastic Casters, groupies who follow the rock group The Ice Pack.

Christine takes a liking to the band also.

Especially lead singer Jay Rigney (Christopher Stone of THE HOWLING fame).

Chris decides to join Jay for a shower.

And the band played on...

When Chris gets sleepy during a show, another showgirl hands her some amyl nitrate...she no like, but it does put some zing in her step.

After she announces she wants to become a stewardess, Christine's gay friend Buck Brown (Roger Garrett) is magically drawn to a rainbow-covered pamphlet in her apartment.

In the strangest scene yet, the gay showboys and topless dancers sing "Silent Night" backstage and exchange gifts.

I never thought I'd see boobs while hearing "'round young virgin mother and child..."

Christine's ex comes to Vegas and brings his wife and new baby to visit. Christine looks pleased.

After escorting Eddie & company to the airport, she bumps into Tommy.

Tommy has been brought on by Jack to host the new football-themed nightclub at the Casino.

Christine and Tommy enjoy dinner while a woman plays a harp on a small boat behind them!

Tommy takes Chris golfing, where she keeps her eyes on his balls.

Romance on the roof.

Strata-Flite Ride? Sounds cool!

Chris and Tommy spend an afternoon with a friend's little boy, causing onlookers to question their "family".

Tommy proposes to Christine in front of Circus, Circus.

Luckily they happen to be in Vegas!

The minister's wife announces the wedding party: "A white girl, a Negro, a Jap and a sissy."

And then stands there smoking and yawning during the ceremony.

 "I now pronounce you man and wife."

The happy couple.

The wedding night. Cue softcore porn music.

Jack chats with Christine as the marquee changes. He askes for "NUDE" to be bigger. He also asks Christine to "entertain" business tycoon Roosevelt Dekker because it would help Tommy.

Jack gets what he wants.

Dekker (character actor Ramon Bieri) gets Chris a little tipsy.

Then he charms her with his personality.

And shows off his stunning physique.

Things get a bit rough.

 

Um, make that VERY rough.

Um, make that VERY VERY rough.

EXTREMELY rough.

Yikes!

Shades of SHOWGIRLS once again.

Tommy decides to play a round of golf with Dekker.

Nothing hotter than an angry dude walking through a sprinkler.

Tommy shows Dekker a few swings on the green.

Dekker has a few good moves of his own.

Dekker is a dirty player.

Tommy is pissed.

Really pissed.

Luckily he stops being so pissed.

Dekker lives!

Um, let's get the fuck outta Vegas, grasshopper girl.

Bored again.

Even the local supermarket doesn't excite Christine.

Tommy shoots a few baskets to blow off steam.

Wow - he's good at football, golf and basketball!

Blam! What was that?

Dekker's assistant is quite the marksman. Poor Tommy.

A great, powerful scene as the camera fixates on the ball till it stops bouncing.

Christine is now a widow.

But she finds it in her heart to pick up two hitchhiking strangers.

"Are you holding? Do you have any shit? Hash? Downers? Anything?"

Chris winds up stoned out of her tree on her bathroom floor.

Gay Buck comes to her rescue! Yay, Buck!

Back in Vegas, Chris can't even get back in to the show.

Shades of Marshall's PRETTY WOMAN, Chris meets up with wealthy Richard Morgan (Hollywood oldtimer Joseph Cotton).

Richard offers her everything she's always wanted, "I'll propose on both knees, but I'm afraid I'll never get up"...but she turns him down.

A reunion with Jay leads to more bathroom sex for the duo. 

 Can't they use a bed for a change?

Christine bares her soul to Jay - she wants to live on a Ranch. Jay bares his ass.

Chris meets up with a guy who flies a small airplane and does skywriting. Okay...

Things get hairy at home with Jay.

Man, can this chick pick a guy, or what?

Hey, we're kinda broke. I have an idea...

Hmmm...

Oh no, Christine. He pimped you out!!!

Wonder if you have a back-up plan to go along with that shaggy wig?

Let's go sky-writing!

F

Take a drag of that doobie.

U

C

K - Oh no she didn't!

"Someone wrote "FUCK" in the sky I need to cover my boobs!"

Lady in red: "I kinda like it!"

Mom to son: "It's a new soft drink."

 

Who is that dude in yellow?

 You have the right to remain silent.

"My name is Christine Adams and I am 22."

WOW - what a movie! After viewing this, my friend turned to me and said "This is the perfect DOUG movie." Amen, grandson. THE GRASSHOPPER gets a 10 outta 10 in my book. What more can I ask for? High drama, ridiculous dialogue, great fashion, fabulously insane wigs, revenge, Vegas, sex, drugs, rock & roll, nudity and dirty skywriting. (You know that skywriting just had to be Garry Marshall's idea).

There's not much more to say other than Jacquie Bissett should have been a bigger star and this movie needs to be elevated to camp classic status - up there with the greats like VALLEY OF THE DOLLS, MOMMIE DEAREST and XANADU. I am so glad to have seen this and am happy that Warners has now made this availble for the world to see.
You can purchase it here at WBshop.com.