Mickey Rooney is THE MANIPULATOR

Here's a post from 2008 - in honor of the late Mr. Rooney. Ever wonder what it would be like if Sid & Marty Krofft produced Stephen King's MISERY? Well, 1971's THE MANIPULATOR (aka BJ LANG PRESENTS) is a pretty close approximation of what it might look like.It all starts innocently enough on a rainy night, when we see a dark figure in a hat and raincoat walking on a dark city street accompanied by standard 1970s TV-movie theme music followed by the opening titles "Mickey Rooney...Luana Anders...THE MANIPULATOR". A fancy old car then pulls up to a warehouse and Mickey exits sporting his YEAR WITHOUT A SANTA CLAUS beard. He then gets into a freight elevator as flashes of random Fellini-like horrors begin. This is when we start to know this is no ABC Movie of the Week.

Mickey walks by what looks like a dusty animal carcass and climbs up a ladder into what looks like a Hollywood prop house. He then sits in an old leather chair, takes off his rose-tinted sunglasses and begins talking to himself as if he is various members of a film crew. Okay. He chats with a mannequin named "Wally" in a what could be a scene from ANDY HARDY HAS A COMPLETE MENTAL BREAKDOWN-decides to "put on a show!!!" Too bad Judy wasn't around to help out!

So Mickey begins to describe the upcoming scene to his imaginary "cast & crew". He calls "action!" and turns on a strobe light, imagining a pair of nude elderly actors dancing in the spotlight as he shouts the lyrics to "Chattanooga Choo Choo" at them. Then he showers the naked old folks with flowers. HUH??? The old people soon disappear, then Mickey pulls back a curtain and screams - and a real woman (Luana Anders) screams back at him. She's his "star", Carlotta - and she's hungry. In fact she asks him for food repeatedly. Turns out she's his prisoner and he has her tied to a wheelchair - and it's time for her lunch! Mickey then feeds her water from a silver chalice and baby food from a jar. Classy.

So then we learn that Carlotta has been cast as Roxanne (the Daryl Hannah role) in BJ Lang's film version of CYRANO DE BERGERAC. While Mickey is feeding her, she bites his finger and tells him that she's grateful for his kindness to her. Then he yells at some "crew members" and rolls in a huge spotlight followed by a (believe it or not) a fast-motion dance with a broomstick intercut with insert shots of a growling wild animal. Very Krofft-like. Meanwhile, Carlotta unties herself. Run like the wind, girl, run!!!

I guess she didn't run cause Mickey then shows up in drag make-up...and whispers to Charlotte about when he used to make up Marilyn's eyes. Then her gets all femme as he applies Carlotta's Roxanne make-up. This is a very disturbing scene. What would Judy say???

Mickey hears some cackling laughter in his head and is now sporting a really fake Witchie-Poo type Cyrano nose. I guess he's the director AND star of this production! Then he pushes Carlotta's wheelchair head-on into a mirror and demands that she recite her lines from the balcony scene. Then he yells at the thunder outside to be "quiet". Huh?After playing with some color gels, Mickey gives a pep talk to his imaginary background players (actually a collection of broken mannequins). Then he forces Carlotta to act out a scene - he calls "cut!!!" and breaks into another "Chattanooga Choo Choo" performance. Jesus - please make it stop!!! Then he tells her all about "fear" as he pretends to choke her. That's when I decide that ANDY HARDY MUST DIE!!!

So, Mickey calls "action!!!" again and they act out their big scene and unseen crowds roar with applause and "bravos!" Carlotta then tells him that the audience LOVES him. What follows next is the most bizarre scene in the film - We see a naked baby walking around a cocktail party where we also see the usual assortment of late 60s/early 70s "freaks" - you know - nudists, drag queens, Ruth Gordon-type old ladies, more nudists, pot-smokers, hippies, sex maniacs and others eating Saltine crackers with spinach dip and tripping out on acid. This all culminates with a giant orgy where Mickey is caressed by both women and men...and the naked baby is in the middle of it all!!! Really...I ask again...WHAT would Judy say???

While preparing for his big "duel" scene, Mickey suddenly collapses and Carlotta begs him NOT to die. Huh? She gets herself free and begins kicking the shit out of him. Why doesn't she just RUN??? Of course he manages to pin her down and kiss her! What a MANIPULATOR! Carlotta then begins running in very slow motion down a looooonnnnnggggg hallway while crazy electronic special effects music plays. Soon Mickey leaps out at her with his Cyrano sword. She decides to hide behind some sheer curtains. Smart girl, that Carlotta.

Then Mickey chases her through the mannequin display - and she attacks him with the spotlight. Carlotta then continues to run through the prop house through what looks like a combo wardrobe department and meat locker. She then crawls around the catwalk as Mickey hollers out orders to his "film crew"...and he once again breaks into song - yes, that's right - "Chattanooga Choo Choo" for the third fucking time!!! I beg of you....Please make it stop...please!!!! I will never listen to that song the same way again. Actually, I will never listen to that song again, PERIOD.

As Carlotta continues to navigate her way through the wardrobe, she suddenly stumbles upon "guest star" character actor Keenan Wynn - who Mickey stabs with his sword and kills. I guess it was just a cameo. Suddenly we're in a slaughterhouse, where a string quartet entertains both women in furs and butchers wearing bloody aprons as Carlotta dances for them all. I just can't say "huh?" anymore - I'm totally exhausted.

Mickey tells Carlotta he'll let her go if she tells him that she loves him. She doesn't - but he lets her go anyway. Okay, HUH? She then runs through the damn wardrobe again!!! She climbs down the ladder into the freight elevator...but she can't figure out how to open the door - so she just slams herself against the walls till it opens. Oh my god...I can't take much more of this.

Finally - Carlotta runs out into the rain - and locks herself in his car!!! She starts blowing the horn as Mickey pounds on the car windows - finally smashing the window with a trash can. He unlocks the door. Fade to: she's back inside with him. They kiss - and she laughs. This drives him CRAZY. I mean REALLY CRAZY. Then everyTHING around him begins to laugh. Mannequins, dead animals, boxes, jars of Vicks VapoRub, Chia Pets, etc. Then she starts yelling "No!!! No!!! No!!!" at him and he recites the final lines from CYRANO - and she actually looks at him... LOVINGLY!!!

Then he stabs himself with the sword and dies. She hears applause and takes a bow. The End. After the end credits we see Mickey's sped-up dance with the broom again. I almost expected Pufnstuf to show up and join in. The End for real.

Holy Shit! I really think Mickey thought he was gonna get an Oscar for this "brave" film role. I'm just surprised he ever worked again after it!!! This movie needs to be seen just to show how an actor's ego can lead to bad film choices. I do have to say that Luana Anders was truly compelling as Carlotta - and I look forward to seeing some of her other films. Sadly, she passed away in 1996.

The film really rates a 10 outta 10 - but only deserves 2 outta 10 because by the end you just feel so beat up, mentally drained and MANIPULATED from watching it. Wonder who that poor nude baby at the orgy grew up to be? Jimmy Osmond?

MOLLY

I rewatched MOLLY over the weekend...and decided to repost my "review" from 2009 in appreciation.

I've been hearing about MOLLY (1999, directed by John Duigan) from my friends for a few years now, and with Sarah Palin in the news again, I decided maybe it was high time I sat down for a lighthearted romp about a mentally challenged woman. Why not?

The film starts off on a good note with the wonderful Holly Cole song "Onion Girl" - unfortunately things go down hill pretty fast from there.We soon are introduced to Molly McKay (Elisabeth Shue) a profoundly autistic woman of 28 (played by a 36 year old actress) who has the mind of a spoiled brat.Molly has been raised in a nursing facility after her parents were killed in a car accident and her only relative is her older brother.Buck (Aaron Eckhart) wasn't around Molly much since he was selfishly off at school and building a successful career in advertising. Now Buck finds out that the home is closing and he needs a new place for Molly to live.
Oh at this point we are told that Molly, like many autistic people has super hearing!!! Who knew???Through a series of circumstances Molly winds up living with Buck in his spacious Venice, California loft. Let the chaos ensue. Molly is quite skittish and screams in horror at the drop of a hat. Molly and Buck also don't seem to have much in common - he likes modern art and she like to pee in her pants. He likes pizza, she likes peas. Molly is also stubborn as a mule and generally answers every question asked with a resounding "NO!!!"

Also, she's obsessed with organizing her collection of shoes. Okay, so am I.

After Buck tries to drop Molly off at daycare–and is rejected–it becomes "bring your autistic sister to work day". First she presses all the buttons in the elevator with evil glee, pissing off Buck's coworkers.

Then she gets bored waiting for Buck in the reception area.

So after picking off the receptionist's dandruff,

Molly decides to strip down hollering "Molly hot!!!"

and proceeds to walk naked into a meeting with a swimwear client!

Now if Buck was an adman worth his salt, he would have pulled a Darren Stephens and figured out a way to tie Molly's nude romp into the new ad campaign. But sadly he doesn't.

As this isn't enough, as a finale, Molly decides to splash around in a fountain. Molly hot again?
Buck tries desperately to juggle his job with his new burden, but he soon ends up unemployed. This causes resentment to grown between the two siblings. Enter the hunkiest mentally challenged person ever, Sam (Thomas Jane) a former worker at the nursing home and friend to Molly - who is both her guardian angel and interpreter - because he too has a learning disability. Hot.

Sam encourages Buck to be patient with his sister. Molly's neurologist, Dr. Brookes (TV's Jill Hennessy) recommends a controversial new surgical technique that could possibly reverse Molly's mental condition. At first Buck rejects the suggestion, but then agrees to it.
Amazingly, after the procedure, Molly slowly begins to become more "normal". Buck creates a "learning checklist" for her and gradually she learns things for the first time, changing her speaking style and appearing more and more like the Elisabeth Shue we know from other hit films.
Before you know it, Molly gains full use of her cognitive reasoning, is able to have intelligent conversations and begins dancing spontaneously in restaurants.

Buck and Molly start attending baseball games, where she uses her super hearing to listen to the players and then gets into an argument with an obnoxious guy, calling him "retarded."

Molly seems to come alive as she spends more time with her brother. In fact, Molly is falling in love with Buck - and doesn't understand why brothers and sister can't be lovers. We're not sure he understands either.
Becoming more of a free spirit, Molly soon learns how to kiss from TV and decides to try it out on shy Sam. He freaks out a bit and turns to Dr. Brookes for comfort.

Molly misunderstands flies into a jealous rage over this. But things get better when Molly has a real fancy date with Sam. Even though she has transitioned to the mind of an adult, she retains her childlike innocence - like when she thinks that a stage production of Romeo and Juliet is real...and, without resistance from her posse, crawls through the audience and onto the stage during the performance,

slapping Juliet across the face and telling Romeo not to drink the poison!

Later at a fancy dinner, Molly freaks out over live lobsters, questioning why anyone would want to eat them. I'm totally with her on that. Then she decides to revisit her restaurant dance routine and Buck joins her.

Later the siblings look at old family photos and watch home movies. Before you know it, Molly begins working with autistic children and even becomes a lecturer!!! Talk about coming full circle!
Well the circle goes unbroken when things take a turn for the worse for our plucky heroine when, after she falls off a bicycle, we discover that Molly's brain is rejecting the treatment and begins to digress into her former self. Before you know it, she's back to old, autistic Molly. What do do? What do do?I'm not sure what really happened next, but Buck and Molly say goodbye, and then they are on a boat out sailing with Sam and Dr. Brookes. So, Molly goes back to being autistic, but somehow it's a happy ending.

Okay, with all apologies to readers and friends who have mentally challenged relatives, this movie is retarded. First of all, Molly is really annoying and embarrassing and then she's a genius and she's still annoying and embarrassing! No one ever calls her on any of her behavior. Buck just lets her push the elevator buttons, dance in restaurants, crawl through audiences, etc.. Never once does tell tell her "Molly, NO! Stop it - people don't do things like that." He just lets her do whatever she wants, therefore she does the craziest things because she knows she can - and it's a hoot.

I think this movie was supposed to tug at your heartstrings, but it just made me laugh. A lot. So much that I cannot wait to see it again and again. A feel-good movie so laughably awful, you actually end up feeling good. 10 out of 10. Well done, Ms. Shue you have unknowingly created the comic performance of a lifetime. I love the multilayered MOLLY...she's just like an "Onion Girl".

Danny's Surprise Movie Matinee: MEGA SHARK VS. GIANT OCTOPUS

Hello faithful readers, I may have mentioned in the past that my dear friend Danny occasionally hosts SURPRISE MOVE NIGHT parties at his home. A few transcripts from those events, written by Danny, have appeared on this very blog in the past. This past Saturday we were treated to a special SURPRISE MOVIE MATINEE - and I am turning today's post over to Danny once again to report on the proceedings. Take it away, Danny...Thanks, Dougsploitation! I'm Danny. Seeing as how this was my first surprise movie event in a while, it naturally started off as a disaster! I couldn't get my damn DVD player to work and I had to go to Plan B: the dreaded VHS!!! I put in something called PROTOTYPE X29A... It was horribly unwatchable! Except for the hot Prototype robot costume (which accentuated a hot Prototype butt) there was nothing notable about this feature so we yanked it and recommenced fretting over the faulty DVD player. Guest viewer Tony C. was really helpful here, but everything we/he tried so valiantly just left us more confounded. Then, I realized my "portable porn player" had a cable I could attach to the TV and, VOILA! we had our original intended feature...and the reason we had calamari for lunch...MEGA SHARK VS. GIANT OCTOPUS! Starring Deborah Gibson and Lorenzo Lamas!
Yeah, start kicking yourselves now! This movie, brought to us by the notorious folks over at THE ASYLUM, is a treat for all group movie watchers. Queue up your Netflix now! It all starts with pop 80's sensation and Playboy model Deborah Gibson... yes, she did Playboy. Yes, she did! Don't contradict me, I know what I'm talking about! See? It was a nice little spread... In all honesty, I thought it was cute & tasteful. Anyway, she puts on some clothes and plays Q-Bert inside a minisub while listening to whales and other sea life play instruments. The Sea lion played the oboe. She must have been possessed, or something like that, cause every time she handled the controls, her hand would have black fingernails and seemed very man-like, but then all normal again as she played Q-Bert.Meanwhile, a helicopter above drops a flashy coffee thermos into the water which makes the concert go awry and all the whales skedaddle. Then Deborah thinks she hallucinates a frozen mega shark and giant octopus, so she don't say nothing about it.Later the giant octopus angrily attacks an offshore rig in Japan, killing almost everyone onboard and the mega shark eats a plane! (Doug's note: this has got to be seen to be believed!)Back in Long Beach, which in this movie is called" San Francisco", Deborah goes to CSI a whale washed up on the beach. She gets all Sheriff Brody and the head guy says it was done by a propeller- case closed! As a true Playboy model would, Deborah sneaks back and pulls a mega tooth fragment out of the whale. She calls her old professor, Dr. Old Guy and asks his opinion. He tells her it's a mega shark tooth. Then her former classmate, Asian Guy, comes to ask Dr. Old Guy about the giant eye he sketched based on the account of a giant eye witness from the rig. Dr. Old Guy says it's a giant octopus' eye. Lorenzo Lamas then Shanghais the trio and takes them to some super secret naval base thing. He tells them, in the most ass-holey way he can, that they need to find a way to stop these giant mega creatures. Speaking of which, the monsters attack subs that are lit like early 80's music videos. The Asian subs are mainly yellow with a blue complementary light, while the American subs are mainly yellow with a fuchsia complementary light.
ANYway... Deborah, Dr. Old Guy and Asian Guy spend a lot of time mixing Easter egg dye in tubes and beakers and, in the most brilliant scene in the movie, Deborah is absolutely crestfallen when she mixes blue and red and gets purple!!To cheer her up Asian Guy says something that really turns her on and they sneak away to do "it" in a broom closet. That is all the inspiration Deborah needs! She realizes that they can lure the giant mega monsters to place that makes them easy to be captured... and they'll lure them with furry moans! Yeah, that stuff that attracts one sex to the other, unless they're gay. I think they intend on using Deborah's furry moans. And to prove it'll work, Deborah mixes a green egg dye with a yellow egg dye and it GLOWS!! That proves it! They lure the Mega Shark to the San Francisco bay, where he'll get stuck between two continental shelves, but things go awry in the music video subs and the plan fails. The shark, angry that he's not going to get it on with Deborah, eats the Golden Gate Bridge ... don't be a tease with a horny mega shark! Meanwhile, Asian Guy reports that things went wrong with the giant octopus, too, but the was no budget to show it, so we just believe him. After Lorenzo Lamas tells them that thousands of people have been killed, in the most ass-holey way he can, he says they're gonna nuke them. Deborah won't stand for it and suggests getting them to fight & kill each other... getting them together with her furry moans, again.
The stupid giant monsters fall for the furry moan trick again and fight each other in a quick cut, repeated shot, cgi fight. They die and Deborah & Asian Guy hook up to live in oceanic peace... until Dr. old Guy brings them another case! THE END.

HERE'S THE TRAILER FOR A QUICKER RECAP: