PRETTY POISON

Yet another re-post from my prolific blogger days.

PRETTY POISON (1968, directed by Noel Black) is a quirky little film based on Stephen Geller's 1966 noir-ish novel She Let Him Continue.

One part thriller, one part black comedy, Anthony Perkins stars as a mentally unstable ex-con who meets up with a seemingly innocent high school knockout (the wonderful and highly-watchable Tuesday Weld)—and soon the two are a lethal combination.Perkins plays the easygoing, but slightly psycho Dennis Pitt, who is on parole from a mental institution and working at a chemical factory in sleepy, working-class New England town. As sage advice, his parole officer (John Randolph) warns him that “the world has no place for fantasies.”. He soon becomes enamored with Weld's sexy, precocious drum-majorette Sue Ann Stepenek after seeing her perform with the local high school marching band.
Rather than reveal that he is a nerdy arsonist (who trots around town rather than drive) who killed his own aunt in a fire he started, Dennis tells kittenish Sue Ann that he is a CIA agent, and playfully concocts all sorts of tales of espionage. The two begin a torrid romance, and frequent the local makeout area. The age-inappropriate relationship is not looked upon kindly by Sue Ann's domineering mother (expertly played by the late, great Beverly Garland).SPOILERS begin here: A plot to explode an bridge and dump bright red (pretty) poison into the local water supply turns even uglier when Sue Ann decides to kill the sweet old night watchman by clobbering him with an enormous wrench and then rolling his body down to the lake and sitting on him until he drowns. Oh yeah, she steals his gun too! Dennis begins to feel guilty what has transpired, but Sue Ann is turns out to be quite the thrill killer and wants to continue the crime spree- culminating with Dennis marrying her and taking her to "the bay of Mexico" to live.
The only person standing in their way is her nagging and disapproving mother. So, with the help of the night watch man's gun, Sue Ann says goodbye to her. The twist is that Sue Ann has now become more diabolical than Dennis ever was.Dennis, realizing that Sue Ann is psycho turns himself in to the local authorities and takes full blame for their crimes. Sue Ann instantly and gleefully betrays him and he is sent to prison.The film ends with Sue Ann meeting another handsome young man and complaining to him that the people who she lives with won't let her stay out late, implying that she will use this new stranger to her best advantage. Pretty poison indeed.

A fun, if a bit slow-moving romp with an addictive performance by Weld. Perkins is his usual reliable, nutty self and Garland, like a said earlier, is a hoot. Some great color choices and unusual shots also add to the stylish look. I give this one a 9 outta 10. See it!

For a fun and stylish blog inspired by the quirky, legendary Hollywood bad girl Tuesday Weld - go here.

CRAZY MAMA

For our third cult classic "Mama" film (and vintage review from 2007), we've got Jonathan Demme's CRAZY MAMA (1975). An all-star cast brings this BONNIE & CLYDE wannabe to life, sort of. It's PG rating is a foreshadowing of what we are in for.

The backstory is that in the early 1930s, a family farm in Arkansas is taken over by law enforcement, killing the farmer, leaving his wife Sheba (Ann Sothern) and daughter Melba (Cloris Leachman) fleeing the state. They wind up years later running a beauty salon in California. They still not have recovered from losing the farm and Papa.

Soon "Mr. Howell" (Jim Backus) shows up and repossesses all of their belongings. They've out of luck, out of money and Melba's teenage daughter Cheryl (Linda Purl) is knocked up by "Ralph Malph" (Don Most). What else can go possibly go wrong? Well, then they decide to head back to Arkansas and reclaim the farmland that should be theirs! Wonder if they'll ever get there?

So they steal Mr. Howell's car, rob a gas station and head to Arkansas via Las Vegas!. While in Vegas, Sheba picks up a new friend named Bertha, and Cheryl picks up a second boyfriend, a biker named Snake. Not to be left out, Melba wins the heart of married Texas sheriff Jim Bob (Stuart Whitman). This is starting to feel like BEST LITTLE WHOREHOUSE IN TEXAS all over again. Except without the whores.

Despite being married to Ella Mae (Sally Kirkland), Jim Bob also marries Melba while Snake and Ralph Malph rob the chapel. Somehow Cheryl's two boyfriends have become friends and partners-in-crime. Why all three even share a bed! But there's NOTHING dirty going on. What follows is a silly crime spree with stunts like Sheba pretending to faint in a grocery store, in order to grab the cash. More heists, car chases and scams ensue.

The big money-making scheme involves "kidnapping" Jim Bob and holding him hostage, for a ransom that they will all split. Of course things don't go as smoothly as planned and somebody ends up dead. Somewhere during all these shenanigans, Cloris (Oscar, Emmy, and Golden Globe Award winner) wears a see-thru top without a bra. It feels highly disturbing to see Phyllis Lindstrom's nipple. Betty White would never show us her nipple, would she? Hey, I thought this was rated PG! I guess Cloris has a family-friendly nipple.

This film wasn't BAD enough to be BAD, And it wasn't GOOD enough to be GOOD. It wasn't funny enough to be a comedy and it wasn't serious enough to be a crime drama. While the acting was good and the cinematography superb, I was expecting the film to overall be much more FUN - instead it turned out to be a big, crazy bore. Maybe if it was rated R, there would be more sex, more realistic violence and a more spicy script. Instead, we have basically an episode of BEVERLY HILLBILLIES with a nipple.

For those of you who watch those PBS "1950's oldtime rock n roll reunion pledge break specials", the soundtrack might be appealing to you. I found it wretched. I give the film 4 out of 10, because my only "Huh?" had to do with the previously mentioned nipple. Let's hope BLOODY MAMA with Shelley Winters is better - or at least has less nipple!

BLACK MAMA, WHITE MAMA

Since Danny gave such a fun review of BIG BAD MAMA, I asked him to share his comments on another MAMA movie classic. (This review is also from 2007) Take it away Danny... BLACK MAMA, WHITE MAMA aka WOMEN IN CHAINS (1972, Eddie Romero) simply put, starts out like an episode of CHARLIE'S ANGELS, but then withers into a JOSIE & THE PUSSYCATS cartoon gone awfully awry. 

It begins with our heroines (Black Mama Pam Grier and White Mama Margaret Markov) arriving at the prison somewhere in Central America (although, for some reason most of the extras look Filipino!!!). They are soon treated to a shower where the "meaner of the two mean lesbian matrons" watches the girlie inmates shower and frolic, like that scene in PORKY'S. 

After freshening up, the girls all report to their bunks...and it turns out prison in Central America isn't so much punishment as it is a slumber party! The "meaner of the two mean lesbian matrons" calls on Black Mama that first night, but Pam clearly shows that she doesn't swing that way. This was way before THE L WORD, though I'm not sure she swings that way there either.

The story is totally different when White Mama goes to see miss "meaner of the two mean lesbian matrons" -  Pam calls her out on it and she simply replies, "you had you chance."  I agreed.  Then there were these two sets of bad guys and they wanted something or other from either White Mama or Black Mama...and they all seemed to really, really like the Filipino-looking extras.  

Anyway, for some reason the Mamas were being transferred (maybe to the Tea Party prison?), and we all knew something was going to go all wrong.  I was sure a tidal wave was gonna come and knock the bus over, thus releasing our heroines (I don't know, maybe it's because the location had that miniature look to it...) everyone else thought it would be a train wreck, like in THE FUGITIVE or an "accident" like in ANOTHER 48 HOURS, but nobody guessed it would be the old "yak in the road" ploy! 

Yeah, there's a yak and the bus stops and there's shooting and both mean lesbian matrons get shot dead (as usual)... and our heroines escape, chained together!!! Black Mama tugs on the chain and White Mama says, "I'm not a yo-yo!". Well, she's not!

So they fight, walk through a stream, wrestle, get attacked by a fat guy ( whom they kill and burn up) and lots of other stuff.
But most of all, they learn to get along. Meanwhile, those two sets of bad guys keep tracking them and wanting something from each of them while they continue to enjoy the Filipino girlie extras, of which there seems to be an endless supply. I hope they at least got paid in craft services.

So, finally one set of guys finds the girls, releases them from each other and takes them to a pier where the other set of guys is waiting!!! There's gun fire, things blow up good, Black Mama gets on a boat and White Mama is shot dead. Oops - did I give away the ending? Sorry. The End. Looking forward to the sequel, BLACK MAMA, BIG BAD WHITE MAMA!

Doug gives this one a 6 outta 10. Not great, but enjoyable in small doses.

BIG BAD MAMA

This was a guest blog post from my good friend Danny...originally from 2007! Enjoy...Hi bad movie fans, Danny here - BIG BAD MAMA (1974, directed by some guy called Steve Carver) is drive-in classic I remember my father taking me to see when I was six. I consider it the best "Mother As A Role Model" movie ever made!

First off, let me tell you how excited I was to learn that this movie starred Robbie Lee who some of you might know as the baaaaad girl from SWITCHBLADE SISTERS (Maybe Doug will let me review that too one day)! Not three minutes into the movie and she was already showing her left booby.

Actually, this movie was just full of boobies and tushies and even Angie Dickenson got in on the act!!! As a six year old, it was all the same to me, but I don't think I was really ready to see Sgt. Pepper Anderson's fleshy badges all up in the windshield of dad's 1969 Thunderbird. I was confused, was she America's favorite POLICE WOMAN or a tit-flinging bank robber?And just why is she having sex with Captain Kirk when she just had sex with that guy who's gonna be attacked by an ALIEN in about five years? (Tom Skerritt)

Getting back to a more serious issue...what's with all this booby & tushie? Is this really appropriate viewing for a six year old? What was my father thinking??? And if I'm old enough for this, why aren't I old enough to go to Disneyland four years from now???

Also... why aren't things exploding? For the amount of gunfire there was in this movie, NOT ONE thing blowed up good and that was very disheartening. No one even got shot in the cooch, but William Shatner got shot dead and that was good enough.

I think if you examine the movie poster above, you'll get what the movie is and you'll probably ask, "Who's driving that car?" Beats me.

Did we learn anything from this movie? Yes, and that is... it's never too late to start a new life... or rent a different movie.

Doug gives this one 7 outta 10.

POLICEWOMEN

Another previously posted review. No - not POLICEWOMAN, the awesome nipple-filled NBC TV series from 1974-78 starring Angie Dickinson - but POLICEWOMEN - a groovy nipple-filled exploitation flick from the same year!







































The story starts at a women's prison - where a jailbreak is set in motion. One of the female guards is pretty redhead who resembles the love child of Marcia Cross and Dixie Carter. She takes control of the situation by putting some karate moves on the would-be escapees. A few of the girls make it out and manage to strip naked and change into sexy skin-tight black outfits. After the women guards call in the male officers for help, the girls throw a grenade at them and set off tear gas. Then they head for the roof and blow something up - escaping down the side of the building. Whew! Did I mention one of the girls has a giant Afro?






Then the credits role...we see Sondra Currie, POLICEWOMEN modeling her uniform, a bikini, a raincoat, a dance outfit and an evening gown. This is one of the best opening title sequences...ever!

After the credits we meet the entire Akerfield, CA police department - three dumb cops - Black Cop, Hunky Honky Cop and Fat Cop. They are all sexist pigs who call our hero, Lt. Lacey Bond "honey," "girl" and "troublemaker". Lacey tells the three piggies that she wants to find out what "gut police work is all about" by going on special assignment for them. They doubt that she's capable of handling the case - so they devise a series of tests for her to pass - similar to what Queen Hippolyta came up with to find an Amazon worthy to come to Man's World. So they test her...

Lacey excels at target practice - so much that she blows the head off the target dummy. She then passes the driving test with flying colors after she drives a police car at 40 MPH backwards!!! If that's not enough, she must take on a martial artist named Bill McLardy, who looks like an extra from CAN'T STOP THE MUSIC. At first Bill kicks her ass and then calls her "honey", but then she goes all KILL BILL on him - kicking him in the balls, knocking him down repeatedly and breaking his tooth. So she passes the tests - and they tell her her assignment: she must infiltrate a female mafia that has been smuggling gigantic amounts of gold into the country! Huh? Then a professor (he wears a lab coat and glasses so you know he's smart) gives her a compact that's also a radio and a cigarette lighter that's a micro-miniature transmitter. Cool, just like Q! They tell her they will have the three pigs monitoring her at all times. She's says she's on her own - and she that's just the way she likes it!

Soon, she's on a stakeout with the pigs. We learn that 70 year old Maude Anderson and her 30 year old lover, Doc are behind the whole gold thing. There's a string of indictments against them, but so far no conviction. Looks like Lacey has a challenge ahead of her.

Soon, a chick in a Cadillac convertible attracts Lacey's attention - and she decides to chase her! Huh? The chick is beeping her horn at an old couple in a red Volvo, but she's cut off by the white van, and her car tumbles over a cliff and explodes! The pigs arrive and tell Lacey that the trunk of the car was laced with heroin and that she's responsible for killing the driver. Huh???

After a heated argument with the pigs, Lacey tries to make peace with them, but they are just not having it. Meanwhile, the two escaped convicts pop out of the trunk of another Caddy. We next meet Maude - who looks like a butch cross between Ruth Gordon and Grandma Walton. Maude is sitting in her backyard counting her money while her scantily clad girls frolic in the background. It's like a twisted HODGE PODGE LODGE. The two prisoners are introduced to Maude. When she learns that the Pam (the girl with the Afro) was a hooker, who escaped using a fake pistol - Maude asks "Since when do whores make guns and get involved in jailbreaks?" Hmmm....since when indeed.








Suddenly a crazy Asian girl shows up and begins the most insane racist tirade I've heard since Marge Schott. This is what she says: "I don't want any blacks around here. Blacks are lazy. They spill their guts when they get caught. They have sore feet and big asses. They shuffle and sing spirituals. They stink. I don't give a god damn shit for n******s!" Pam responds "Why honey, I've always said nice thinks about g***s." This was a scene I just needed to watch over and over again.

These two they have a HUGE fight - knocking each other all over the lawn furniture while the rest of the girls cheer them on. Pam beats the living daylights out of the Asian racist girl - and we are happy. Maude is pleased as well, responding "Okay black girl, you got yourself a job." Then we meet Maude's body-obsessed boyfriend, Doc - who is like the gross bastard child of Owen Wilson and Larry the Cable Guy.















After the girls go to their barracks, Doc rambles on about the girls to Maude and how he thinks they are all c***s. This guy is quite a catch, Maudie. Later she yells at him, telling him to stop lifting weights cause he's starting to look like a "dod damn gorilla!" Doc responds by telling her he wants to fuck, but she has a headache AND a sore throat!!! Ewwwwwww...

Meanwhile Lacey wins the pigs over by bringing them food and dressing like a stewardess. Then Lacey and the Hunky Honkey guy Frank are assigned to an undercover mission on Catalina! Back at girl camp, the other escapee (Janette) gives Pam a makeover while another girl slips into the shower with Doc. He resists and she calls him a fag. I'm calling GLAAD tomorrow. We're off to Catalina where Frank and Lacey play tourists - riding bikes, sailing a catamaran, eating shrimp cocktail, riding horses, eating wieners, swimming, drinking cognac - all as romantic music plays in the background. Then they fuck and drink Asti Spumanti and have "pillow talk" where he tells her that she's "a lady with a mission"...and a trick pelvis! Later they are tanning and drinking Tabs when Frank notices a call girl that's he's arrested before on another boat! Huh? Then the hooker notices him!!! From another boat- without binoculars!!! Is this possible at all? So then we have a high-speed game of chicken, which ends with Frank jumping on the other boat. The girls soon gang up on him, hitting him with oars and chains. Hot.

Lacey comes to Frank's rescue with her karate-chopping ways. She kicks ALL their asses very handily, takes the 5 girls prisoner and calls for help on her compact! Then a Paul Lynde look-a-like calls Maude to give her some information about the cops closing in on her. Maude is annoyed that she has to leave her tennis match - but escapes in a VW and then a seaplane! They manage to lure Lacey to their lair, where Doc ties her up and beats her mercilessly. Maude declares "that's enough, for now."

The two escaped cons (Janette and Pam) then recognize Lacey - but think she's one of them! Maude offers her a job - and she accepts! The girls then have a party, and over dinner Janette realizes that Lacey's a cop...and SO IS PAM!!! That's why the title is POLICEWOMEN, not POLCEWOMAN!!! Then Pam and Janette have fight and Janette falls off a cliff. Did I mention Pam is wearing a "Black Pride" tee shirt?

So - turns out Pam is working for the Secret Service - tracking Maude's gold shipments. We find out that the gold is coming in via stock footage of submarines!!! Soon the girls are unloading the gold from the sub and dressing in army uniforms - but Doc discovers that Lacey has a tracking device...the lighter! Maude pulls a gun on them and tells them they are going shove them off a cliff. Lots of cliff in this film, no?

In the back of a convoy of Army trucks, Lacey kicks Doc's ass and Pam grabs the gun from Maude. Then Lacey gives a karate chop to the driver...and they jump from truck to truck, hijacking the convoy. Lacey next takes on the racist Asian chick - getting the final word on that one.

Later, Lacey tells the pigs where the rest of the gold is and Frank tells her that hey are going to be working together again soon. Set up for a sequel??? Then they fuck in a cop car. Meanwhile, Maude is hauled off to jail - and tells Doc that next time they'll try diamonds!

This one's a winner. 9 outta 10 in my book. Rent it, buy it, love it.

Best Autumn cd Ever...

I don't know about you, but I personally only listen to certain music at specific times of the year. Autumn, being my favorite season of the year, is the time for folky, reflective and sentimental tunes. Over the years, I've owned thousands of LPs and cds, and about once a month a trade in a bunch that I don't listen to for new ones. One cd that always escapes my monthly purges is CHERYL WHEELER's DRIVING HOME. I'd had this disc since it first came out in 1993, and I've welcomed in each autumn since with a spin on my player. Today, being the first day of autumn was no exception.Cheryl Wheeler is an underrated singer/songwriter/storyteller who has a loyal fanbase and 11 albums to her credit. DRIVING HOME to me is like comfort food - each track a different flavor, but all comforting in their own way. I always liken the collection of songs on this disc to taking a road trip across America and meeting some interesting folks along the way. While I love the whole album, there are a few tracks that stand out.

The title tune, Driving Home is about just that - taking a long car trip from where you live now to where you came from. The tender lyrics are simple, yet poetic:
"I was driving home
Through the sunday bells
Through the trailer towns
Through the rolling hills"

Music is My Room reminds me of how I also would escape from "my so called (teenaged) life" through spinning 45s in my bedroom for an audience of no one:
"In my secret hideaway, I would play all night
So if you go out, hope you don't want me to.
I've got a rendezvous with a stack of forty fives"

Frequently Wrong But Never in Doubt is a sweet, and ultimately sad song about a boisterous family friend who touched her life. It features, a line that always kinda chokes me up.
"And I guess I've forgotten since I was a kid, 

I don't know why we loved him, I just know we did"

Just when you think Cheryl's gone all sappy, along comes Don't Forget The Guns - an hysterical hillbilly parody about America's obsession with road trips and weapons with brilliant lines like:
"Now don't forget the guns you know exactly what I mean
Bring the pistols, bring the uzi and the old AR-15
We don't look for trouble but by golly if we're in it
It's nice to know we're free to blow nine hundred rounds a minute"

75 Septembers is a loving tribute to her Dad, and how many things he must have seen in his long life, with the touching refrain:
"Cause now the fields are all four lanes
And the moon’s not just a name
Are you more amazed at how things change
Or how they stay the same
And do you sit here on this porch and wonder
How the times flies by
Or does it seem to barely creep along
With 75 Septembers come and gone"

Listening to When Fall Comes To New England is like looking at a beautifully detailed painting...
"When fall comes to new england
The sun slants in so fine
And the air's so clear
You can almost hear the grapes grow on the vine"

If you are a fan of intimate, textured songwriting, checkout DRIVING HOME.

All lyrics © Cheryl Wheeler

Policewomen

No - not POLICEWOMAN, the awesome nipple-filled NBC TV series from 1974-78 starring Angie Dickinson - but POLICEWOMEN - a groovy nipple-filled exploitation flick from the same year!
The story starts at a women's prison - where a jailbreak is set in motion. One of the female guards is pretty redhead who resembles the love child of Marcia Cross and Dixie Carter. She takes control of the situation by putting some karate moves on the would-be escapees. A few of the girls make it out and manage to strip naked and change into sexy skin-tight black outfits. After the women guards call in the male officers for help, the girls throw a grenade at them and set off tear gas. Then they head for the roof and blow something up - escaping down the side of the building. Whew! Did I mention one of the girls has a giant Afro?

Then the credits role...we see Sondra Currie, POLICEWOMEN modeling her uniform, a bikini, a raincoat, a dance outfit and an evening gown. This is one of the best opening title sequences...ever!

After the credits we meet the entire Akerfield, CA police department - three dumb cops - Black Cop, Hunky Honky Cop and Fat Cop. They are all sexist pigs who call our hero, Lt. Lacey Bond "honey," "girl" and "troublemaker". Lacey tells the three piggies that she wants to find out what "gut police work is all about" by going on special assignment for them. They doubt that she's capable of handling the case - so they devise a series of tests for her to pass - similar to what Queen Hippolyta came up with to find an Amazon worthy to come to Man's World. So they test her...

Lacey excels at target practice - so much that she blows the head off the target dummy. She then passes the driving test with flying colors after she drives a police car at 40 MPH backwards!!! If that's not enough, she must take on a martial artist named Bill McLardy, who looks like an extra from CAN'T STOP THE MUSIC. At first Bill kicks her ass and then calls her "honey", but then she goes all KILL BILL on him - kicking him in the balls, knocking him down repeatedly and breaking his tooth. So she passes the tests - and they tell her her assignment: she must infiltrate a female mafia that has been smuggling gigantic amounts of gold into the country! Huh? Then a professor (he wears a lab coat and glasses so you know he's smart) gives her a compact that's also a radio and a cigarette lighter that's a micro-miniature transmitter. Cool, just like Q! They tell her they will have the three pigs monitoring her at all times. She's says she's on her own - and she that's just the way she likes it!

Soon, she's on a stakeout with the pigs. We learn that 70 year old Maude Anderson and her 30 year old lover, Doc are behind the whole gold thing. There's a string of indictments against them, but so far no conviction. Looks like Lacey has a challenge ahead of her.

Soon, a chick in a Cadillac convertible attracts Lacey's attention - and she decides to chase her! Huh? The chick is beeping her horn at an old couple in a red Volvo, but she's cut off by the white van, and her car tumbles over a cliff and explodes! The pigs arrive and tell Lacey that the trunk of the car was laced with heroin and that she's responsible for killing the driver. Huh???

After a heated argument with the pigs, Lacey tries to make peace with them, but they are just not having it. Meanwhile, the two escaped convicts pop out of the trunk of another Caddy. We next meet Maude - who looks like a butch cross between Ruth Gordon and Grandma Walton. Maude is sitting in her backyard counting her money while her scantily clad girls frolic in the background. It's like a twisted HODGE PODGE LODGE. The two prisoners are introduced to Maude. When she learns that the Pam (the girl with the Afro) was a hooker, who escaped using a fake pistol - Maude asks "Since when do whores make guns and get involved in jailbreaks?" Hmmm....since when indeed.

Suddenly a crazy Asian girl shows up and begins the most insane racist tirade I've heard since Marge Schott. This is what she says: "I don't want any blacks around here. Blacks are lazy. They spill their guts when they get caught. They have sore feet and big asses. They shuffle and sing spirituals. They stink. I don't give a god damn shit for n******s!" Pam responds "Why honey, I've always said nice thinks about g***s." This was a scene I just needed to watch over and over again.

These two they have a HUGE fight - knocking each other all over the lawn furniture while the rest of the girls cheer them on. Pam beats the living daylights out of the Asian racist girl - and we are happy. Maude is pleased as well, responding "Okay black girl, you got yourself a job." Then we meet Maude's body-obsessed boyfriend, Doc - who is like the gross bastard child of Owen Wilson and Larry the Cable Guy. After the girls go to their barracks, Doc rambles on about the girls to Maude and how he thinks they are all c***s. This guy is quite a catch, Maudie. Later she yells at him, telling him to stop lifting weights cause he's starting to look like a "dod damn gorilla!" Doc responds by telling her he wants to fuck, but she has a headache AND a sore throat!!! Ewwwwwww...

Meanwhile Lacey wins the pigs over by bringing them food and dressing like a stewardess. Then Lacey and the Hunky Honkey guy Frank are assigned to an undercover mission on Catalina! Back at girl camp, the other escapee (Janette) gives Pam a makeover while another girl slips into the shower with Doc. He resists and she calls him a fag. I'm calling GLAAD tomorrow. We're off to Catalina where Frank and Lacey play tourists - riding bikes, sailing a catamaran, eating shrimp cocktail, riding horses, eating wieners, swimming, drinking cognac - all as romantic music plays in the background. Then they fuck and drink Asti Spumanti and have "pillow talk" where he tells her that she's "a lady with a mission"...and a trick pelvis! Later they are tanning and drinking Tabs when Frank notices a call girl that's he's arrested before on another boat! Huh? Then the hooker notices him!!! From another boat- without binoculars!!! Is this possible at all? So then we have a high-speed game of chicken, which ends with Frank jumping on the other boat. The girls soon gang up on him, hitting him with oars and chains. Hot.

Lacey comes to Frank's rescue with her karate-chopping ways. She kicks ALL their asses very handily, takes the 5 girls prisoner and calls for help on her compact! Then a Paul Lynde look-a-like calls Maude to give her some information about the cops closing in on her. Maude is annoyed that she has to leave her tennis match - but escapes in a VW and then a seaplane! They manage to lure Lacey to their lair, where Doc ties her up and beats her mercilessly. Maude declares "that's enough, for now."

The two escaped cons (Janette and Pam) then recognize Lacey - but think she's one of them! Maude offers her a job - and she accepts! The girls then have a party, and over dinner Janette realizes that Lacey's a cop...and SO IS PAM!!! That's why the title is POLICEWOMEN, not POLCEWOMAN!!! Then Pam and Janette have fight and Janette falls off a cliff. Did I mention Pam is wearing a "Black Pride" tee shirt?

So - turns out Pam is working for the Secret Service - tracking Maude's gold shipments. We find out that the gold is coming in via stock footage of submarines!!! Soon the girls are unloading the gold from the sub and dressing in army uniforms - but Doc discovers that Lacey has a tracking device...the lighter! Maude pulls a gun on them and tells them they are going shove them off a cliff. Lots of cliff in this film, no?

In the back of a convoy of Army trucks, Lacey kicks Doc's ass and Pam grabs the gun from Maude. Then Lacey gives a karate chop to the driver...and they jump from truck to truck, hijacking the convoy. Lacey next takes on the racist Asian chick - getting the final word on that one.

Later, Lacey tells the pigs where the rest of the gold is and Frank tells her that hey are going to be working together again soon. Set up for a sequel??? Then they fuck in a cop car. Meanwhile, Maude is hauled off to jail - and tells Doc that next time they'll try diamonds!

This one's a winner. 9 outta 10 big "Huhs?" Rent it, buy it, love it.

THE DAY TIME ENDED

So this 1979 movie starts out with an at least four-minute shot of outer space with some guy babbling endlessly about something... then suddenly we see a few shooting stars head towards Earth. I imagined the opening notes of ELO's "I'm Alive" and hoped we'd soon see 9 fabulous muses streaking across LA. Unfortunately all we get is a little town (which I dubbed Tatooine) that gets showered with stardust.

Meanwhile, at LAX Jim Davis (aka Jock Ewing from DALLAS) pulls up to the curb and greets his futuristically dressed family, which includes his wife Miss Ellie (played by Dorothy Malone of PEYTON PLACE because Barbara Bel Geddes was busy). We soon meet his annoying granddaughter Jenny (who I will call "Punky Brewster") who is visiting with her mom and dad. Dad's working on some top secret project, so he won't be spending as much time with the family.

The family drives out to the dessert, where we first see grandpa Jock's solar-powered Monsanto House of the Future. Then Jock gives Punky a pony. Punky shows her Holly Hobbie doll to the pony and it runs away. When Punky calls for her pony, it does not respond, instead she is drawn to a green glowing pyramid...which she begins to chat with about her pony! Then she hugs the pyramid and her pony reappears. What the fuck???

Meanwhile, inside the house, Jock, Dorothy, their daughter and teen-age son discover that the house has been ransacked! They suspect some local bikers...but are distracted by little Punky who wants to show them the glowing pyramid. Of course it's gone when Punky brings the family to see it. After they leave she discovers it's shrunk to the size of an Everlasting Gobstopper - so she picks it up and puts it in her pocket! Nice going, Punky!

When Punky goes to wash up for dinner a cracked mirror suddenly repairs itself! Then the lights and bathroom water turn on and off by themselves! This is the house of the future! Or is it haunted by the past? After Miss Ellie eats some corn, her and grandpa Jock stroll along in the night desert and notice a bright light in the distance. Before you know it, 2 donut-shaped UFOs zoom over their heads. They practically ignore it and head inside.

I have decided that this family is not fazed by anything.

After Punky uses the toilet and doesn't wash her hands, she sees smoke in her bedroom - followed by the appearance of a pixie-like Claymation alien. The alien does a little ballet for her and then the two of them disappear. Then the alien visits Grandma. She screams. What the fuck...again???

Then there's a small earthquake - and they realize that Punky is missing. Not to worry, they soon find her outside where she was "playing with her friend".
Doesn't faze anyone. Okay, this family is just plain creepy.

Then the family car won't turn off - until Punky tells it too. Punky's mom wants to leave, but Grandpa assures everyone that he'll protect them with his pistol. Punky is then visited by a robotic flying toaster oven that burns a hole in her bedroom wall. Punky's missing again (I think - she goes missing a few times), but Jock's still got his pistol.

Suddenly there is a battle of Ray Harryhausen dinosaur creatures outside the house. What the what the fuck???

Meanwhile, Punky's dad tries to buy gas and the attendant gives him a hard time. He eventually gives in and charges him 65 cents a gallon - talk about inflation!

Back at Tatooine, Jock and his teenage son let some horses out to distract the monsters - and then the monsters chase the horses. I'm totally NOT making this up. I swear. After that the sky is suddenly ablaze with a bad fireworks display that reminded me of Fantasmic! at Disneyland.

Okay, After the fireworks end, the house is surrounded by a bunch of damaged vehicles - a plane, a train, an automobile, a truck..all sorts of shit. Then I think there are more fireworks and some crazy slow-motion shots of Punky and Jock running towards each other super-imposed over the fireworks. I think Punky goes missing again, this time with her mom. What the friggin' fuck???

Meanwhile, after crashing his car, Punky's dad is strolling through a field of yellow flowers - then he comes across a horse - could it be one of Jock's?

Jock declares that they are stuck in a "time space warp" with "...strange things and strange creatures" - and some vortex may have taken Punky and her mom. Jock and Miss Ellie look up to see two suns in the sky - just like on Tatooine!

The family then naps, but is awakened by a giant sun - which makes a small green pyramid. Don't ask. Punky's mom reappears - and she's suddenly at peace with the universe. She starts spouting something that I swear sounds like Dianetics - and she tells everyone that Punky is safe - in fact she's with her dad.

Then everyone is reunited and they look into the horizon to see...Oz! Yes - a beautiful crystal city awaits them and their "new way of life"!

This one was also known as EARTH'S FINAL FURY - but i'd like to call it EARTH'S FINAL WHAT THE FUCKING FURY. 10 outta 10 "Huhs?"