THE PAUL LYNDE HALLOWEEN SPECIAL

A classic post. This may be the 4th time I'm running it. What has been heralded as one of the worst hours of television ever - THE PAUL LYNDE HALLOWEEN SPECIAL has got to be seen to be believed. This ABC special originally aired once in 1976, but after years of showing up a bootleg copies, it's finally available on DVD.The show has a loose "storyline", as legendary flamboyant HOLLYWOOD SQUARES celebrity Paul first thinks it's a Christmas special, then an Easter special, and then a Valentines Day special - until his elderly housekeeper (guest star Margaret Hamilton) sets him straight, so to speak. After a barrage of cornball jokes (some written by Bruce Vilanch), Paul breaks out in song: a decidedly Halloween take on "Kids" from "Bye, Bye Birdie". (Which Mr. Lynde introduced in the original Broadway show). Basically the song is a complaint about the younger generation, calling out everything that is wrong with them. My favorite line is "Too much Alice Cooper and not enough Alice Faye!" Like anyone in 1976 knew who Alice Faye was! During this number he gets attacked by trick or treaters dressed as devils - but two of the gang members are revealed to be his ABC pals Donny & Marie in a cheap cameo.After the song, Margaret convinces her bitchy and bitter boss Paul to take a drive with her to visit her sister, who lives at the mysterious Gloomsbury Manor. Sis turns out to be none other than the fabulous Witchie-Poo (Billie Hayes) from H.R. PUFNSTUF! Then, amazingly Margaret transforms herself into her WIZARD OF OZ character - the Wicked Witch of the West! Talk about crossovers! It turns out the witches want to enlist Paul to help them erase their negative media image. 1970s little person superstar Billy Barty shows up as the butler–just in time for some insulting midget jokes, followed by an appearance by a delightfully youthful Betty White as Miss Halloween 1976 - who has won a date with Paul, but she was expecting PAUL NEWMAN! The witches then offer Paul 3 wishes...Wish #1 - Paul wishes to be a "rhinestone trucker", apparently so he can communicate with Tim Conway via CB radio-which was all the rage in '76. Tim arrives at a dinner where Pinky Tuscadero (Roz Kelly from HAPPY DAYS) is the waitress. Tim is about to marry Pinky, but Paul crashes through the wall with his big rig in time to stop the wedding and ask Pinky to marry him instead! Pinky challenges the guys to a contest to see who's more macho. Billy Barty plays the "short order cook"-and he's the most macho!!!Whaa-whaa. What does all this have to do with Halloween? Then there's an awful musical number with Paul, Pinky and Tim and some square-dancing disco dancers. After which the witches invite some of their musician friends to perform "chamber music" for Paul - and the quartet turns out to be none other than KISS - who perform "Detroit Rock City," while the camera rotates 360 degrees and viewers get queasy. Then the witches play Monopoly with Paul. Huh?Wish #2 -Paul wishes he was in the Sarah dessert - he's now a dashingly romantic sheik and Florence Henderson is his potentially lusty lover. Mrs. Brady was already used to faking romance with gay leading men-so she plays along just fine. He tells her he first fell for her after he saw her "milking a cobra"! Then he talks about the "ruby portals of her lips" and he gives his rival Tim Conway a cock-a-too "cause a man gets lonely in the foreign legion." Bruce Vilanch was probably giggling backstage and loving that he got away with all this filthy innuendo. How can they top this? Wish #3 - Paul goes to a haunted discotheque - "the only play where a person can hustle without getting arrested". Then just when you think it can't get any worse, Florence appears sporting a Dorothy Hamill hairdo and a glittering black gown and sings a disco version of "That Old Black Magic".Then KISS comes back to sing the monster hit "Beth" and another song called "King of the Nighttime World." (I think it's supposed be about Larry King, but I'm not sure) It all comes to an end when Pinky returns to sing "Disco Lady" with Paul and the rest if the cast in an epic production number, while the guys from KISS look on in disbelief. Roll credits.
This has to be the strangest, gayest, bitchiest, most surreal mess ever to air on primetime TV - but of course, I love it. Now if only someone would put out a DVD set of the one-season wonder THE PAUL LYNDE SHOW - then I'd really be happy. Imagine Paul as an upscale, wisecracking Archie Bunker-type dad who gets dumped in the swimming pool each and every week - doesn't that sound truly heavenly?

Donna Summer (1948-2012)

SUPERTRAIN returns!

This is a repost from 2008 (and 2010).

In the past few seasons NBC has brought back both BIONIC WOMAN and KNIGHT RIDER, which forced me to recall the another terrible NBC show about a futuristic vehicle–SUPERTRAIN! A failed attempt by the peacock network to launch it's own LOVE BOAT-type franchise, SUPERTRAIN is one of the most critically lambasted TV shows ever. While the train itself was mighty impressive (There was a disco and a swimming pool on board!), the series lacked several things that viewers were looking for at the time - big name guest stars and comedy. SUPERTRAIN premiered February 7, 1979 at 8PM and limped along for a few weeks before it was "retooled" and rescheduled to air in more "adult" the Saturday 10PM slot. I remember watching it a few times and thinking that it really sucked, excepted for the train. I always hoped that it would at least stay on the air long enough to inspire a cool line of toys. That never happened, in total, only 9 episodes aired.
Well, maybe NBC will revisit the concept since they seem to have been mining the NBC archives with revivals for the past few seasons (BATTLESTAR GALACTICA, THE BIONIC WOMAN, AMERICAN GLADIATORS, KNIGHT RIDER). With V turning up as a revival on ABC, Can SUPERTRAIN be that far behind? Thanks to Tony Cook for posting some great SUPERTRAIN clips on YouTube .

More Random TV GUIDE Ads - MAKIN' IT

SATURDAY NIGHT FEVER brought disco and Italian-Americans together creating the "guido" movement, which still lingers on in certain places (witness MTV's overhyped JERSEY SHORE "phenomenon"). Two years later, ABC decided to cash in on the East Coast disco craze with MAKIN' IT - a Garry Marshall concoction starring non-Italian Dr. Pepper jingle crooner David Naughton as Billy Manucci, who worked at a New Jersey ice cream parlor by day and danced at the Inferno disco by night. Cast as Mrs. Manucci, we have John Travolta's sister (and Lily Tomlin lookalike) Ellen. The show lasted only nine episodes, but it's theme song (by Naughton) reached #5 on the charts! Following MAKIN' IT on the ABC schedule was WHAT'S HAPPENING!!

More Random TV GUIDE Ads - THE POPEYE SHOW

Turn Us On, We'll Turn YOU on..with Popeye dressed as a sheriff - while Olive and Bluto disco dance in the background. I don't know about you, but I'm REALLY turned on now...

Goldie & Liza Together

To celebrate Liza's 65th birthday - Here's a classic post from 2009.

When I think of the great showbiz pairings over the years I think of such duos as Martin & Lewis, Burns & Allen, Hope & Crosby - even Crosby & Bowie. Somehow Hawn & Minnelli don't easily spring to mind. But in 1980, both of these leading ladies were campaigning for roles in the aborted film version of CHICAGO - and CBS thought it would be a good idea to team the two superstars up in a prime-time variety outing.

Both gals already had big film careers and a few TV specials behind them, so why not take America's favorite kookie blonde and the dazzling Studio 54 barfly and give them an hour to prove what good friends they are supposed to be in real life? And so we have GOLDIE & LIZA TOGETHER! By the way, I've had this show on VHS since it first aired, and has entertained me and countless guests ever since.

The hour starts with an hysterical duet as Goldie and Liza drive to the studio (in their own cars) declaring how nervous they are about working with each other. 

"I'm doing a special with my friend Liza..." Goldie's so freaked out she takes a bag of garbage with her in her jeep!

Liza's a mess too - almost causing a major traffic accident because she's totally obsessing on Goldie. 

Well, luckily they both make it to the studio alive in time for rehearsal.

After an implied dance runthrough, Liza insists on Goldie telling her about her big solo number - which turns out to be a cover of the iconic Village People song, "Y.M.C.A.". 

Goldie and a gaggle of scantily clad, but not very sexy, dancers bring the song to life inspiring countless wedding receptions since.

Liza's big solo number is also a disco tune from the same period–Donna Summer's "Bad Girls". 

This tribute to prostitution is a "toot-toot beep-beep" hoot, with Liza taking on the role of a high class call girl, surrounded by several more hooker-ish women. 

A Fosse-inspired solo dance number ensues and lots of slow-motion inserts attempt to make Liza look glamourous. 

I think she looks like a severely damaged drag queen. 

After this number, we visit the ladies in the recording studio where they are recording the vocal tracks for "The Other Woman." After goofy Goldie messes up a few times, they finally get down to business and provide us with a very pleasing performance.Next is an extremely silly and somewhat painful number involving the gals and a pile of leftover wardrobe from what looks like a high school production of ALICE IN WONDERLAND with pirates.

Then comes the big dramatic sequence. A  10-minute character study that borders on lesbianism but really has something to do with unfaithful roommates. I've seen it about 100 times and it kills me every time.

The best part of the show is the finale - the fabulous CHICAGO number in which Liza proves what a tremendous talent she is.For every dance move that Goldie makes, Liza tops her with at least two. 

It's a rousing rendition of "All That Jazz" that causes us to wonder what the film might have been like with them in it. Oh well...we'll always have GOLDIE & LIZA TOGETHER.

The closing number is an out-of-breath "Together Wherever We Go" from GYPSY. I could be wrong, but somehow you can tell that as soon as production wrapped, Goldie and Liza never spoke to each other again.

I really wish they still did shows like this today. Who wouldn't love to see QUEEN LATIFAH & NICOLE KIDMAN TOGETHER? CBS - are you listening?

FOXES

Here's a post back from the days when I had time to really write about movie's I watched. Ah, the days of sweet, sweet unemployment. :)FOXES is a movie I was forbidden to see in high school because some parent in the neighborhood told all the parents that it was about teen prostitutes. Well, FOXES (1980, directed by Adrian Lyne) has been sitting on my dvr for about six months - and I think I'm finally old enough to see this so-called "teen hooker" movie. As Donna Summer's "On the Air" plays, we see the foxes in their natural habit - bed. They are so NOT teen prostitutes. Whores maybe, but not hookers. Jodie Foster is Jeanie - the sensible one; Cherie Currie is Annie - the wild one with a dad who's a cop; Kandice Stroh is Deidre, who looks like she's 40; Marilyn Kagan is chubby virginal Madge, who we later learn is dating a older guy named Jay (future trouble-magnet Randy Quaid). These four Valley girls are the focus of the film, but we soon meet some of their posse including their younger skate-boarding friend Brad (Scott Baio) who thinks of himself as quite the ladies man and is always coming on to Annie. The foxes all think that school sucks and the boys in their lives are all punks (like Robert Romanus, who was Snake on FACTS OF LIFE, and Speed on DAYS OF OUR LIVES).Their parents are all self-centered and living in their our worlds. Jeanie's parents are divorced - her mother (Sally Kellerman) is having an affair with a married man and her dad manages a glam rock band named Angel. (Angel performs the theme song "20th Century Foxes").Let me point out that the film's Giorgio Moroder produced soundtrack features an array of artists on the Casablanca record label, including Cher, who's "Bad Love" is used as recurring background music. Various imagery of the band KISS is also seen.After Madge loses her virginity, the girls celebrate with a dinner party at her boyfriend's that eventually turns into a brawl - and the foxes wind up behind bars. After she's bailed out Sally and Jodie go at it - touching upon all their dysfunctions as a mother and daughter. Randy Quaid then yells at his 16 year old girlfriend Madge for trashing his place - "What are you gonna do, be a waitress at Denny's?!" He wants her to come back so he can beat her.Jodie hangs out with Scott Baio for day and they bond over all sorts of teen stuff. When they get back to her house, Annie calls - she's loaded!!! Jodie and Scott rescue her from the crowd of tough druggies that she's fallen in with. They attempt to sober her up - but she's on pills! Annie decides she's going to Oregon. Jodie shows her some "tough love" - but freaks out when she sees a patrol car she thinks it's her over-protective dad looking for her again.Annie's wandering around in a drugged out stupor when her pill-popping friends show up. Scott manages to distract them with his crowd-pleasing skateboard antics, but Annie ends up at Tony's Bar. She tries calling Jodie on a pay phone, but Jodie's busy driving her pick-up truck around Mulholland Drive calling "Annie!".A couple of drunken swingers named Daryl and his wife Bert pick her up and want to have their way with her–but they crash into a moving truck. As the ER doctors attempt to save her life, the entire cast shows up at the hospital, only to find out that "We've lost her." beep...beep...beep....flatlineThen Madge marries creepy Randy Quaid outside the ugliest church ever filmed and Jodie tells mom Sally Kellerman that she loves her as "On the Radio" plays once more and Jodie visits Annie's grave with the flowers from Madge's wedding. The End.

I wish it really was about teen hookers.

Thank God It's Friday the 13th

Here's a fun & funky Friday flashback!
My other half recently told me that in addition to chocolate bunnies, his parents gave actual Easter presents every year. In the late 70s, one of his gifts was the THANK GOD IT'S FRIDAY soundtrack album - which he still has and sometimes forces me to listen to (today, for example, all THREE discs). In celebration of that odd holiday memory, we watched the movie version of the album as well.
I first saw THANK GOD IT'S FRIDAY at a drive-in in New Jersey when I was about 14. Everyone was hoping for another SATURDAY NIGHT FEVER. I remember thinking back then that the film was more like an episode of THE LOVE BOAT instead of an actual movie. Except THE LOVE BOAT usually had more plot and bigger name actors. I was a very wise 14 year old.

When a film starts with the Columbia logo lady disco dancing, you know you're in for a "good" time. While not as cool as the Wilma Flintstone version of the Columbia logo (from THE MAN CALLED FLINTSTONE) - this is pretty cool.As the credits roll, and the theme song blares, we see a montage of "getting ready scenes" that would make my friend Brett's head explodes (he LOVES movies with "getting ready scenes" - like ROLLER BOOGIE, for example). As all our characters are preparing for their night out we see that Jeff Goldblum and Debra Winger are among the cast...and Donna Summer (who gets special billing) as Nicole! Let's see if I can accurately report on what actually does happen in this film.

We see wacky dental assistant named Jackie who takes a deep inhale of nitrous oxide and puts on a pink wig - eventually dressing like a whorish clown for her drug-infused night out. It's interesting how the film is very non judgemental in her recreational use of drugs, but the poster makes her sound like she's a refugee from VALLEY OF THE DOLLS.

We see Donna (in her first "acting" role) as she begs a shopkeeper to stay open because she wants to buy a special dress - presumably to wear for her big night out at the disco.
We see two awkward high school girls (Frannie & Jeannie) stumbling off a bus in platform shoes - and we learn that they want to win the big dance contest so they can buy KISS tickets (the film was co-produced by Casablanca Records).  Jeannie is played by Terri Nunn, who later went on to greater fame as the lead singer of Berlin.

We see a married yuppie couple (Dave & Sue) celebrating their fifth wedding anniversary - only he's an uptight cpa and wants her to go home and play with his wooden pepper mill, but she wants to go to the disco and really let loose.

We see two JAPs - Maddy, who spills a cola all over her flat chest and Jennifer (Debra Winger) who sponges it up with a burger! (No photo available)

We see two kinda gay-ish nerds (Carl & Ken) smoking pot as they drive to the disco. Carl is played by songwriter Paul Jabara.  Ken is wearing a yellow sweater.

We see a young, dashing Jeff Goldblum as Tony DiMarco, the owner of The Zoo - a real ladies man with a snazzy sportscar. His Christmas colored suit looks like a Joker costume. Note: Because the club is named The Zoo, a guy in a gorilla suit runs the elevator! Zany!

There's all sorts of silly parking lot chaos outside the Zoo disco, resulting in Tony's precious car taking a few hits - while inside we meet DJ Bobby Speed - who's all psyched because tonight's show is being broadcast live on the radio. Donna sneaks in to see him, and begs him to play her record tonight. He tells her the Commodores (featuring Lionel Ritchie) are tonight's big attraction, not her.

Meanwhile, the high school girls keep getting denied entrance again & again while nerdy Carl declares that the Zoo is "like Disneyland with tits" and then he and Ken put on lip gloss to attract chicks. Huh? Then a guy is shown in drag shaving his chest in the mens' room, but he later gets rejected by dragaphobic Ken.

We soon meet a mismatched computer date couple: a fat trash-collecting asshole named Gus and a pathetic tall bookworm named Shirley. He wants nothing to do with her, but she can't stop clinging to him. At this point I realize that this is LA - but everyone has thick New Yawk accents!

Showing up next is Marv Gomez the Leatherman. Don't ask. The high school girls latch on to Marv and beg him to help them get into the club, so he sneaks them in through the men's room window. Only a Leatherman would think of that!

At some point Donna barges into the booth and starts singing "Love to Love Ya Baby" over the mike and pisses off DJ Bobby. Meanwhile, some roadie dude named Floyd is lost with the Commodores' instruments - and he eventually gets pulled over by the cops, twice - and is accused of stealing the instruments - so he has to demonstrate each one, twice. Racial profiling at its worst.

Some sleazy guy comes onto klutzy Jennifer, but she rejects him. Then Maddy keeps cockblocking her. (Does that word work here? I guess...) The married couple argue and decide go their own ways at the club: Sue gets romanced by Tony, who plans on fucking her, while Jackie the Hygienist Junkie gets Dave to pop pills with her.After striking out with some gals, Leatherman gives Carl & Ken a lesson in how to be gay with a ridiculous dance number in the parking lot.Something happens that makes Bobby the DJ says "the N word" and the he finally gets security to drag Donna away. Shocking!

Back to our blinddate mismatch couple: Shirley is following Gus around. Calls her an "old maid" - then she punches him - and he falls for her. Awww...just like THE LOVE BOAT!

Sue notices that her husband is having a good time and reacts by calling Jackie "a hippie!" Now she wants to go home and Dave doesn't! Tony wants her to stay too–so he can have his filthy way with her! Besides, he has a bet with DJ Bobby that he'll land her!

High school girl Frannie enters dance contest - and somehow suddenly Donna starts singing "Last Dance" over the music, noise & yelling. The DJ likes it - of course - and Donna brings down the house.

The Commodores finally perform when their instruments show up. After Carl gets locked in a stairwell, Debra Winger and Ken hook up. Everybody is doing poppers and dancing. Then the most unorganized dance contest begins. Who's judging? Who's hosting? Gays with tambourines (not Carl & Ken) get disqualified first. What's up with that?Dave (renamed "Babbakazoo" by Jackie) is now high as a kite and he swings across the club on a Tarzan vine - Frannie wins the dance competition and a giant trophy! She declares that "We're Disco Queens Now!" and then she and Jeannie join Marv at another disco for the 1AM dance contest.The married couple reunites, while out in the parking lot, Tony's sportscar self-destructs. As Jennifer and Ken share the last dance, Donna comes back to the booth to fuck the DJ. The end. Can I go home now???

Does any of this make sense? It's all just a silly excuse to have a three-LP soundtrack. I just wonder why no one ever turned it into a weekly TV series. Imagine the possibilities....