PRIVATE PARTS

More goodies from the past...circa 2009...
I've heard and read about PRIVATE PARTS (1972, directed by Paul Bartel) for years. I knew the late Mr. Bartel from his modest art house hits EATING RAOUL and SCENES FROM THE CLASS STRUGGLE IN BEVERLY HILLS as well as his camp classics DEATH RACE 2000 and LUST IN THE DUST, but somehow PRIVATE PARTS managed to escape me.When my friend Jeff brought over the dvd a few weeks ago and showed me the trailer, I knew that we'd soon have to get together to watch it - and I'm so glad we did. This is MY kinda Friday night flick.
The story goes like this: runaway teen Cheryl (cute and perky Ayn Ruymen) and her best friend Judy (munchkin-faced Ann Gibbs) are living in dumpy L.A. apartment. When Judy catches Cheryl watching her and her latest suitor Mike having filthy, dirty sex, Cheryl takes off (with Judy’s wallet) and winds up downtown at the rundown King Edward Hotel - where her eccentric Aunt Martha (the terrific Lucille Benson, later on BOSOM BUDDIES) lives and manages the building. Uncle Orville and her daughter have gone to live with Jesus, so Cheryl is her only family.

Martha agrees to let Cheryl to stay at the hotel temporarily, and we soon meet the madcap residents of the dilapidated building - including a perverted priest named Rev. Moon (Disney mainstay Laurie Main), a crazy old lady named Mrs. Quigley (Dorothy Neumann), who is looking for a girl named “Alice” and a quiet weirdo named George (John Ventantonio), who we later learn is an avant garde photographer.Aunt Martha's hobby is attending funerals of strangers to photograph their souls leaving their bodies, oh and she has a white pet rat named "Whitey". When Martha goes out funeral-hopping one afternoon and locks Cheryl in the apartment, things start to get a little weird. First Cheryl accidentally kills Whitey and then shoves him down the food disposal. Yikes! Then she sneaks out of the apartment and explores the building (much like Alice in Wonderland) and we learn various things about the building and the people that dwell there.

For instance, Rev. Moon has a collection of male physique pin-ups, Mrs. Quigley sunbathes in her apartment and George has a shrine devoted to the mysterious "Alice".

When friend Judy's hunky blond boyfriend Mike (Len Travis) shows up looking for Cheryl, his visit is abruptly cut short when he loses his head. Literally. Then Judy shows up looking for Mike and she soon meets her maker as well.Meanwhile, oblivious to all this bloodshed, Cheryl befriends a cute, but nerdy hardware store worker named Jeff (MY THREE SONS star Stanley Livingston).

Jeff seems romantically interested in Cheryl but she is somewhat intrigued by the mysterious George, who has now began pursuing her in a stalker-ish kind of way.

Lots of crazy stuff follows, but I would not want to spoil it here, because I cannot recommend PRIVATE PARTS any more highly.

But suffice to say, there's some kinky stuff that happens involving Cheryl in a bedazzling Spider-Woman costume, a scene involving blood injected into a sex doll and a there's shocking twist end that it's not too much of a shock if you watch the trailer first. So don't.

To me, Paul Bartel has created an almost perfect black comedy and a terrifically twisted horror film all in one. Composer Hugo Friedhofer's amazing score brings to mind the great Bernard Herrmann / Hitchcock collaborations and helps elevate the whole affair to another level.

This film gets a 10 outta 10. Enjoy!

SOMETIMES AUNT MARTHA DOES DREADFUL THINGS

As I continually deal with my lack of free time to blog, I proudly represent one of my very first posts from way back in 2007.
So, imagine THE ODD COUPLE if Felix sometimes dressed in drag, had a crush on a hunky bi-sexual hippie Oscar and murdered every young woman who literally tries to unzip Oscar's snake-skin jeans. Well - that's what SOMETIMES AUNT MARTHA DOES DREADFUL THINGS is all about.

Set in suburban Miami, this 1971 campfest is full of slutty, horny stoned pizzeria waitresses and nurses with small tits and big Eva Gabor wigs who are trying to fuck Stanley (our sloppy roommate) and one by one, they disappear after his manly Aunt Martha pays them a visit.

You see, Paul is "protecting" Stanley from the police since he's convinced Stanley that he was responsible for killing Mrs. Johnson for her jewels. Paul has been disguising himself (with bad wigs, blouses, skirts, and orthopedic shoes) as Stanley's elderly Aunt Martha (but looking much like Stockard Channing as Rizzo), in an effort to hide from the authorities. The nosy neighbors (one who is very pregnant) are a constant annoyance to Paul - especially when they mention how attractive Stanley is.

Stanley, despite being a slob AND never changing his clothes ever (much like a Hanna-Barbera cartoon character) - even though the film takes place over several days and nights - is very sexy. Paul, on the other hand, looks like the illegitimate child of Karl Malden and Judd Hirsch. Stanley, sadly never does get naked - though there are are at least three scenes where women attempt to get into his pants, but he freaks out.

Things veer off in several directions including subplots involving a blackmailing heroin junkie from Baltimore who becomes an unwelcome third roommate and several encounters with Stanley's group of beer-drinking, pot-smoking, coke-sniffing friends - one of which is totally buff and always shirtless (save for a little leather vest) and looks like Steve Perry from Journey.

There's a disturbing turn of events involving the pregnant neighbor and a predictable climax that takes place on (of all places) a movie set!!! MARTHA is a bit slow at times, but its blend of campy humor and horror shocks kept me interested despite the homophobic undercurrent. Directed by Thomas Casey.

If MARTHA is your cup of tea - you can purchase it from the incredible Five Minutes to Live website. Rating: 8 outta 10.

ALICE SWEET ALICE

Here's a Friday flashback to a post from 2007. Recycling is good for the blogosphere!
ALICE SWEET ALICE (1976), directed by Alfred Sole was originally released as COMMUNION but returned to theaters two years later to cash on the fame of child-actor Brooke Shields. The film is set in 1961 for some reason and has many references to JFK, Jackie and even to PSYCHO. It's also known as HOLY TERROR - but I'd like to rename it PROBLEM CHILD: THE BEGINNING.

The film opens with some real groovy titles - then we visit a rectory where a hunky priest named Father Tom (Rudolph Willrich) lives. Single mom Catherine Spages (played by Jackie Gleason's daughter Linda Miller) and her two daughters Alice (19 year-old LIQUID SKY actress Paula Sheppard playing a prepubescent teen!!!) and Karen (a very young Brooke Shields) are paying a visit.

Angelic Karen will soon make her first holy communion, and the sexy priest gives his late mother's crucifix to her as a gift. I sense some sexual tension between Catherine and Tom. Karen's bratty sister Alice is jealous, and wanders about the rectory - scaring the wacky Italian housekeeper Mrs. Tredoni (Olympia Dukakis lookalike Mildred Clinton) with a really creepy Halloween mask.
Later Alice (who sort of resembles the Downs Syndrome girl "Jill" from the infamous menstruation education film ALL WOMEN GET PERIODS) is seen terrorizing Karen by abusing her toys and locking her in a room. Mom Catherine doesn't seem to react to her daughter's morbid hobbies, possibly because she's distressed about her failed marriage. Things soon go from bad to worse when Karen is strangled at her first communion - by a stranger in a yellow rain slicker and Halloween mask! And I thought vomiting at MY first communion was bad! (This is true - I threw up and they thought I was possessed!)

After Karen is killed, her body is stuffed into some sort of bench, her crucifix is stolen and then her corpse is set on fire with a church candle. Jeez! Where was the Catholic League when this was released???

When Mother Superior sees smoke, she opens the bench and screams - attracting the attention churchgoers including Catherine and her meddling sister Annie (the very effective Jane Lowry). A funeral follows and Catherine's handsome
ex-husband Dom shows up to help. Annie decides to stay with Catherine to help her through this difficult time and to attempt to discipline Alice, who has only gotten more bratty since Karen's murder. Alice then recruits her chubby cousin Angela to taunt the reclusive and extremely overweight landlord Mr. Alfonso (possibly the most disgusting character since Divine played his own rapist in FEMALE TROUBLE). Suffice to say, people who piss themselves should NOT wear white!

Dom begins to work with the cops to solve his daughter's murder, and tries to call Father Tom, but Mrs. Tredoni interferes, with the intention of protecting the priest from getting too involved. Tom later tells Dom that the police suspect Alice is the killer. Back at the Spages' home Alice drops a bottle of milk and Aunt Annie has a shit fit and tells her it's time to go back to school. Alice then puts on her yellow slicker and pays Mr. Alfonso and his cats a visit. After she wrinkles the rent check, Mr. A. tries to feel her up - she responds by picking up one of his cute kitties and throws it across the room, killing it. What a little bitch!I sure hope the Humane Society was there for that scene!

We see that Alice has built an altar in the basement - where she has candles, her mask, her raincoat, a two-face doll, ballet sleepers and other assorted creepy items. This girl needs therapy in a big way.

Aunt Annie heads out during a storm, but as she walks down the stairs she is suddenly attacked by a masked figure who stabs her repeatedly in her legs and feet. She fights back as best as she can, yelling out Alice's name and attracting Mr. A as a witness. Catherine finds her sister lying in a pool of blood on the sidewalk just as Dom and Rev. Tom drive up. Good timing, guys!

Later at the hospital, Annie tells her milquetoast husband Jim that Alice tried to kill her. Soon Alice is taken in for a lie detector test. She kinda fails when she tells the cops that she saw KAREN attack her aunt. Huh? Karen's dead...I think. Another disturbing scene follows when two cops discuss Alice's breasts. What the fuck - she's supposed to be like 11 or 12. We later learn that Alice has has her first period. This IS just like the Jill video - except Jill doesn't kill anyone from what I remember.

Catherine and Dom are convinced that Alice is innocent - Catherine thinks Annie just wants to pin it all on Alice because she has always hated the born out-of-wedlock child - and Dom thinks Angela (Annie's daughter) is the slasher. Sparks begin to reignite for the divorced couple, until a phone call from his new wife serves as a cold shower for Dom. Dom then receives a suspicious call from Angela. But the voice on the phone is an adult's - and Dom doesn't notice. Huh? "Angela" tells Dom that she has Karen's crucifix and wants to meet him in an abandoned building. Okay... After believing for an hour that Alice was the slasher, I began to wonder just WHO the masked killer was. Could it be Catherine? Could it be Annie's husband Jim? Could it be Alice? Angela? The sexy priest? One of the cats? I'm stumped!

Dom arrives at the warehouse and is attacked by the slasher (wearing the Halloween mask and the yellow raincoat.) He is soon stabbed in the shoulder and then hit in the face with a brick. Dom is then tied up and pushed out of window. This is so not a good week for the Spages family!

Finally the slasher takes off the mask and is revealed to be...XXXXXXX!!!! HUH??? Wow - I did NOT see that coming! XXXXXXX declares that Dom and Catherine are sinners. During Dom's autopsy, they find Karen's crucifix lodged in his throat, apparently he tried swallowing it to keep it away from the killer. Thanks, we were wondering where that went.

It's soon time for Sunday mass. Alice first stops by Mr. Alfonso's apartment to put cockroaches on his stomach as he sleeps.
Nice. Meanwhile, XXXXXXX packs a knife in a shopping bag and stops by the Spages' apartment. Mr. A wakes up and spots XXXXXXX - and thinking it's Alice, he grabs the killer, who then pulls out her knife and stabs him!!! Well, that's one character I can live without.

Later at church, just as XXXXXXX is about to receive Holy Communion, the slasher pulls out the knife and stabs Father Tom in the neck. The priest falls on the altar and into XXXXXXX's arms. Chaos ensues. In the final shot, we see Alice as she walks away from the altar carrying the shopping bag. Then she pulls the bloodied knife out of it and stares blankly into the camera!!! SUPER CREEPY!!!!

What else can I say about ALICE SWEET ALICE? This movie is fan-fucking-tastic! 10 outta 10. Scary, funny, crazy, sacrilegious - this one's a keeper with or without little Brooke. Thanks to my buddy Mike for helping me recall some of the details on this one.

THE DAUGHTERS OF DARKNESS

Here's another classic for Halloween...
DAUGHTERS OF DARKNESS (1971, directed by Harry Kumel) is the oft-told tale of Countess Elizabeth Báthory, the famous Hungarian countess who is allegedly the most prolific serial killer in recorded history and is known as the "Blood Countess". After her husband's death, she was accused of torturing and killing hundreds of girls and young women, with one witness attributing to them over 600 victims, though she was only convicted on 80 counts. She was also accused of witchcraft and pagan practices. She died in 1614. Creepy.
Our cinematic journey begins aboard a train where we see a attractive young couple having sex in beautiful blue light. They finish and then declare their "un-love" for each other. Next they arrive at a majestic hotel, where they appear to be the only guests. We learn that they are on their honeymoon, and she's insisting that he tells his mother about her. Somewhere around here we learn their names are Stefan and Valerie. I do hope mother approves!Two women soon arrive at the hotel, a beautiful young woman named Ilona and an older blonde mystery woman. "Madam" checks in and asks for "the royal suite" and signs in as "Countess Elizabeth Báthory." Turns out that the newlyweds already have booked her favorite room so she settles for the adjoining suite. She comments that the couple are "perfect" and Ilona's already visibly jealous. We notice that Ilona has a slight red bruise on her neck. Meanwhile, Stefan cuts his neck while shaving - and gets miffed at Valerie when she tries to look at the wound. What's up with that, Stef? In bed, Valerie struggles to read the newspaper, but manages to find out about three young girls murdered in Bruges. Bone-chilling!
The next day, the couple having a romantic ride in a canal in Bruges, when they suddenly come upon a crime scene. It's the fourth young woman murdered in a week. A stranger tells Stefan that the girl was found with neck wound - but not a trace of blood! Stefan's interest in the crime scene causes him to violently push Valerie out of the way. On the way back to the hotel, she tells him that she's frightened by his behavior - then she snuggles up to him. We notice that the stranger from the crime scene is on the bus with them. Spooky.
Back at the hotel, it's raining, and Elizabeth is killing time by knitting. Ilona's bored already and wants to leave. Stefan and Val return and Elizabeth greets them and invites them for a drink. She has what appears to be a McDonald's Shamrock Shake, while they have regular drinks. Pierre the concierge tells them that the Countess once stayed that the hotel over 40 years ago -and hasn't aged a bit! The late edition of the local newspaper features a cover photo of Stefan and Val at the crime scene. Alarming.

The guy from the crowd shows up at the hotel, he tells Elizabeth that he's "just passing by" - turns out he's a retired cop - and he rambles on about ghosts, vampires, etc.. Elizabeth declares that he's distasteful and dismisses him as Ilona dumps Elizabeth's green drink so Stefan will freshen it up for her. Eerie.

While Stefan searches for the bar, Elizabeth tells Valerie the story of her ancestor, the original Countess Elizabeth Báthory, who drank the blood of hundreds of virgins to stay young, then Stefan returns (drinkless?) and Elizabeth caresses him as they recount the historical horror story together. Val freaks out and storms out of the room, Ilona spies on her causing her to scream when she sees someone out on the balcony. Blood-curdling.

Next, Ilona is naked leaning over a bidet and Val is hysterical. Elizabeth offers her drugs to help her sleep - but Val just says no, she just wants to be alone with her husband. When Stef and Val start going at it we see red marks and we also see that Elizabeth and Ilona are watching them! Disturbing.

Next, Stefan finally calls his "mother" - who turns out to be an effeminate older man wearing make-up. "Mother" tells Stefan that it's "unrealistic' that he married a woman - Huh? Then Stef starts beating Valerie as a full-blown thunderstorm strikes the hotel. What a creep! They then wake up naked with him holding a belt, while she has strap marks on her back. Valerie wakes up and sneaks out - to the train station. But Elizabeth follows her to convince her to stay at the hotel and with Stefan. Weird.
Meanwhile, Ilona visits Stefan in his room - and then performs oral sex on him. Back at the train station, Elizabeth gives Valerie a palm reading that includes a kiss. At the hotel, Stefan tries to get Ilona to shower with him, but she doesn't like getting wet, causing her to freak out. While lashing about, she accidentally cuts her hand on his razor - and then falls on it, stabbing herself to death! Hair-raising.Elizabeth and Valerie walk in on Stefan naked on top of a bloody, naked Ilona. The Countess immediately takes charge and orders Valerie and Stefan around. They roll Ilona's dead body down a hill to the beach where Stefan digs a grave with his hands. Elizabeth, wearing a smart black cape, kick's the corpse into the grave, on top of Stefan! Thud!Driving back to the hotel, Elizabeth knocks the cop off his bicycle. Oops!Once back, Stefan sleeps alone while the gals get into some blonde-on-blonde action in Liz's suite. Val is now completely under her control. Oh My.

So, now it's Stefan who's packing his bags and leaving. He demands that Val come with him. Elizabeth shows up in her fabulous glitterball gown and insists that they join her for dinner in her room. Stefan then wigs out again and starts beating Valerie. Elizabeth tries to suffocate him with a punch bowl, which splits in two - cutting his wrists - and then they feed on his blood! Terrifying.

SPOLIER ALERT! After throwing Stefan's body from the hotel roof and into a swamp, they drive away in Elizabeth's vintage car. By dawn's early light, Val begins to lose control of the car, which crashes. Elizabeth's body is flung from the car and impaled on a tree branch, and then engulfed in flames. Uncanny.

A few months later, Valerie is shown hand-in-hand with a young newlywed couple...she's become Elizabeth. Menacing.

A great flick. Wonderful cinematography, gorgeous sets and a fantastic score help you overlook the plot holes (like who's "mother"?) and the sometimes wooden international acting. I'll give it a 10 outta 10 and highly recommend it to fans of horror, lesbians and old hotels.

THE DAUGHTERS OF DARKNESS

DAUGHTERS OF DARKNESS (1971, directed by Harry Kumel) is the oft-told tale of Countess Elizabeth Báthory, the famous Hungarian countess who is allegedly the most prolific serial killer in recorded history and is known as the "Blood Countess". After her husband's death, she was accused of torturing and killing hundreds of girls and young women, with one witness attributing to them over 600 victims, though she was only convicted on 80 counts. She was also accused of witchcraft and pagan practices. She died in 1614. Creepy.
Our cinematic journey begins aboard a train where we see a attractive young couple having sex in beautiful blue light. They finish and then declare their "un-love" for each other. Next they arrive at a majestic hotel, where they appear to be the only guests. We learn that they are on their honeymoon, and she's insisting that he tells his mother about her. Somewhere around here we learn their names are Stefan and Valerie. I do hope mother approves!Two women soon arrive at the hotel, a beautiful young woman named Ilona and an older blonde mystery woman. "Madam" checks in and asks for "the royal suite" and signs in as "Countess Elizabeth Báthory." Turns out that the newlyweds already have booked her favorite room so she settles for the adjoining suite. She comments that the couple are "perfect" and Ilona's already visibly jealous. We notice that Ilona has a slight red bruise on her neck. Meanwhile, Stefan cuts his neck while shaving - and gets miffed at Valerie when she tries to look at the wound. What's up with that, Stef? In bed, Valerie struggles to read the newspaper, but manages to find out about three young girls murdered in Bruges. Bone-chilling!
The next day, the couple having a romantic ride in a canal in Bruges, when they suddenly come upon a crime scene. It's the fourth young woman murdered in a week. A stranger tells Stefan that the girl was found with neck wound - but not a trace of blood! Stefan's interest in the crime scene causes him to violently push Valerie out of the way. On the way back to the hotel, she tells him that she's frightened by his behavior - then she snuggles up to him. We notice that the stranger from the crime scene is on the bus with them. Spooky.
Back at the hotel, it's raining, and Elizabeth is killing time by knitting. Ilona's bored already and wants to leave. Stefan and Val return and Elizabeth greets them and invites them for a drink. She has what appears to be a McDonald's Shamrock Shake, while they have regular drinks. Pierre the concierge  tells them that the Countess once stayed that the hotel over 40 years ago -and hasn't aged a bit! The late edition of the local newspaper features a cover photo of Stefan and Val at the crime scene. Alarming.

The guy from the crowd shows up at the hotel, he tells Elizabeth that he's "just passing by" - turns out he's a retired cop - and he rambles on about ghosts, vampires, etc.. Elizabeth declares that he's distasteful and dismisses him as Ilona dumps Elizabeth's green drink so Stefan will freshen it up for her. Eerie.

While Stefan searches for the bar, Elizabeth tells Valerie the story of her ancestor, the original Countess Elizabeth Báthory, who drank the blood of hundreds of virgins to stay young, then Stefan returns (drinkless?) and Elizabeth caresses him as they recount the historical horror story together. Val freaks out and storms out of the room, Ilona spies on her causing her to scream when she sees someone out on the balcony. Blood-curdling.

Next, Ilona is naked leaning over a bidet and Val is hysterical. Elizabeth offers her drugs to help her sleep - but Val just says no, she just wants to be alone with her husband. When Stef and Val start going at it we see red marks and we also see that Elizabeth and Ilona are watching them! Disturbing.

Next, Stefan finally calls his "mother" - who turns out to be an effeminate older man wearing make-up. "Mother" tells Stefan that it's "unrealistic' that he married a woman - Huh? Then Stef starts beating Valerie as a full-blown thunderstorm strikes the hotel. What a creep! They then wake up naked with him holding a belt, while she has strap marks on her back. Valerie wakes up and sneaks out - to the train station. But Elizabeth follows her to convince her to stay at the hotel and with Stefan. Weird.
Meanwhile, Ilona visits Stefan in his room - and then performs oral sex on him. Back at the train station, Elizabeth gives Valerie a palm reading that includes a kiss. At the hotel, Stefan tries to get Ilona to shower with him, but she doesn't like getting wet, causing her to freak out. While lashing about, she accidentally cuts her hand on his razor - and then falls on it, stabbing herself to death! Hair-raising.Elizabeth and Valerie walk in on Stefan naked on top of a bloody, naked Ilona. The Countess immediately takes charge and orders Valerie and Stefan around. They roll Ilona's dead body down a hill to the beach where Stefan digs a grave with his hands. Elizabeth, wearing a smart black cape, kick's the corpse into the grave, on top of Stefan! Thud!Driving back to the hotel, Elizabeth knocks the cop off his bicycle. Oops!Once back, Stefan sleeps alone while the gals get into some blonde-on-blonde action in Liz's suite. Val is now completely under her control. Oh My.

So, now it's Stefan who's packing his bags and leaving. He demands that Val come with him. Elizabeth shows up in her fabulous glitterball gown and insists that they join her for dinner in her room. Stefan then wigs out again and starts beating Valerie. Elizabeth tries to suffocate him with a punch bowl, which splits in two - cutting his wrists - and then they feed on his blood! Terrifying.

SPOLIER ALERT! After throwing Stefan's body from the hotel roof and into a swamp, they drive away in Elizabeth's vintage car. By dawn's early light, Val begins to lose control of the car, which crashes. Elizabeth's body is flung from the car and impaled on a tree branch, and then engulfed in flames. Uncanny.

A few months later, Valerie is shown hand-in-hand with a young newlywed couple...she's become Elizabeth. Menacing.

A great flick. Wonderful cinematography, gorgeous sets and a fantastic score help you overlook the plot holes (like who's "mother"?) and the sometimes wooden international acting. I'll give it a 10 outta 10 and highly recommend it to fans of horror, lesbians and old hotels.

DOLLS

Another Holiday weekend treat - bridging the ever-shrinking gap between Halloween and Christmas. Stuart Gordon's DOLLS (1987) opens with two slutty punk rock chicks hitchhiking by the side of the road somewhere in Europe…as a car carrying a family speeds by. The family turns out to be a high-strung dude named David Bower who is on a very ill-concieved vacation with his selfish new wife (and possible transexual) Rosemary (aka Cruela Devil) and his whiny young daughter Judy. They are driving through the country when a sudden freak rainstorm traps their car in the mud. When they have to leave the car, Rosemary, tosses little Judy's teddy bear into the woods so it won't slow them down. Huh? Judy then imagines her teddy bear coming to life and ripping her stepmother's to pieces! If only.



The happy family stumbles upon the only mansion around, and are startled by a kind, but creepy old couple named Gabriel and Hilary Hartwicke who live there with their collection of dolls. Are they Satantists? Are they witches? Or are they just old old and crazy? The elderly duo invite the family to join them for dinner and to spend the night. Precocious little Judy quickly makes friends with the old folks, who turn out to be accomplished (and extremely prolific) toymakers! Just like Santa Claus! Before too long a loveable manboy named Ralph arrives at the house along with the two annoyingly rude punk chicks (named Enid and Isabel) who turn out to be British - so they ARE authentic punks - despite the fact that they look like Madonna and Sheena Easton.

Little Judy takes a liking to Ralph, turns out they both like to play with dolls. Gabriel takes Ralph and Judy on a tour of the mansion, and we begin to notice odd camaraderie between the three. The old man gives Judy a Punch doll to play with because her teddy bear is gone. The punk girls make themselves at home by blasting terrible music and hatching a plan to steal some dolls after Hilary tells them that some of the dolls are antiques.

Cruela is relieved that she doesn't have to share a room with her stepdaughter Judy. We can't figure out what bug has crawled up Cruela's ass, but whatever it was causes her to always wear some sort of turban on her manly head.

Later, we learn Judy seems to think that the dolls or "little people" can come to life and nobody seems to believe her- except for her "friend" Ralph. The Madonna wannabee sets out to explore the house (looking for things to steal) while Sheena hangs out in the room dancing and putting on more makeup. Judy decides she needs a glass of water, and eventually the dolls do decide to come to life!!! As the night progresses, Judy convinces Ralph that something's up in the house and soon they discover blood in the hallway. While exploring the attic we see that the Madonna chick has been murdered. One down, one to go.

Sheena then accuses Ralph of raping and killing Madonna and suddenly Judy's father is aware that his prepubescent daughter has been wandering around the spooky house with a grown man - and accuses Ralph of molesting Judy. Are you following this?

Next, Cruela gets attacked by a bunch of dolls with little mini-weapons, and she looks down to see that one of the dolls is sawing off her arm, while two other dolls are trying to saw off her leg! They even yank off her turban! After showering, David gets into bed with Cruela, unaware that she's been killed. The white sheet she's under starts to have this spreading blood stain on it, and then her doll-mangled corpse is revealed. Ewww...

More chaos ensues as Ralph realizes that Judy's right about the living dolls. At first he starts stomping on them, and they launch a full-scale attack on him, but Judy convinces them that he's really a big kid and after a quick meeting, the dolls decide he's okay by them. Whew - that was a close one!

After discovering Cruela's corpse, David is now on the warpath and we see that many of those dolls had little tiny skulls underneath their porcelin heads, possibly indicating that they began their existence as human beings!!! What exactly is Hartwicke up to???

There's a big, final confrontation between all parties involved, which I will not spoil - but I will say that there is a clever twist ending involving Judy, her dad, Ralph and her real mother (who lives in Boston). The next morning, Gabriel and Hilary have lots of cleaning up to do, especially since another car has broken down outside their house...

I loved this movie. The doll effects were cheesy, but effective. The acting, while not great, was always enjoyable. Even little Judy wasn't as annoying as horror movie kids usually are. At times it felt like all the actors were not taking any of this too seriously, and that helped make the whole affair quite fun. I give this one a 9 outta 10 "Huhs?". See it!

ALICE SWEET ALICE

ALICE SWEET ALICE (1976), directed by Alfred Sole was originally released as COMMUNION but returned to theaters two years later to cash on the fame of child-actor Brooke Shields. The film is set in 1961 for some reason and has many references to JFK, Jackie and even to PSYCHO. It's also known as HOLY TERROR - but I'd like to rename it PROBLEM CHILD: THE BEGINNING.

The film opens with some real groovy titles - then we visit a rectory where a hunky priest named Father Tom (Rudolph Willrich) lives. Single mom Catherine Spages (played by Jackie Gleason's daughter Linda Miller) and her two daughters Alice (19 year-old LIQUID SKY actress Paula Sheppard playing a prepubescent teen!!!) and Karen (a very young Brooke Shields) are paying a visit.

Angelic Karen will soon make her first holy communion, and the sexy priest gives his late mother's crucifix to her as a gift. I sense some sexual tension between Catherine and Tom. Karen's bratty sister Alice is jealous, and wanders about the rectory - scaring the wacky Italian housekeeper Mrs. Tredoni (Olympia Dukakis lookalike Mildred Clinton) with a really creepy Halloween mask.
Later Alice (who sort of resembles the Downs Syndrome girl "Jill" from the infamous menstruation education film ALL WOMEN GET PERIODS) is seen terrorizing Karen by abusing her toys and locking her in a room. Mom Catherine doesn't seem to react to her daughter's morbid hobbies, possibly because she's distressed about her failed marriage. Things soon go from bad to worse when Karen is strangled at her first communion - by a stranger in a yellow rain slicker and Halloween mask! And I thought vomiting at MY first communion was bad! (This is true - I threw up and they thought I was possessed!)

After Karen is killed, her body is stuffed into some sort of bench, her crucifix is stolen and then her corpse is set on fire with a church candle. Jeez! Where was the Catholic League when this was released???

When Mother Superior sees smoke, she opens the bench and screams - attracting the attention churchgoers including Catherine and her meddling sister Annie (the very effective Jane Lowry). A funeral follows and Catherine's handsome
ex-husband Dom shows up to help. Annie decides to stay with Catherine to help her through this difficult time and to attempt to discipline Alice, who has only gotten more bratty since Karen's murder. Alice then recruits her chubby cousin Angela to taunt the reclusive and extremely overweight landlord Mr. Alfonso (possibly the most disgusting character since Divine played his own rapist in FEMALE TROUBLE). Suffice to say, people who piss themselves should NOT wear white!

Dom begins to work with the cops to solve his daughter's murder, and tries to call Father Tom, but Mrs. Tredoni interferes, with the intention of protecting the priest from getting too involved. Tom later tells Dom that the police suspect Alice is the killer. Back at the Spages' home Alice drops a bottle of milk and Aunt Annie has a shit fit and tells her it's time to go back to school. Alice then puts on her yellow slicker and pays Mr. Alfonso and his cats a visit. After she wrinkles the rent check, Mr. A. tries to feel her up - she responds by picking up one of his cute kitties and throws it across the room, killing it. What a little bitch!I sure hope the Humane Society was there for that scene!

We see that Alice has built an altar in the basement - where she has candles, her mask, her raincoat, a two-face doll, ballet sleepers and other assorted creepy items. This girl needs therapy in a big way.

Aunt Annie heads out during a storm, but as she walks down the stairs she is suddenly attacked by a masked figure who stabs her repeatedly in her legs and feet. She fights back as best as she can, yelling out Alice's name and attracting Mr. A as a witness. Catherine finds her sister lying in a pool of blood on the sidewalk just as Dom and Rev. Tom drive up. Good timing, guys!

Later at the hospital, Annie tells her milquetoast husband Jim that Alice tried to kill her. Soon Alice is taken in for a lie detector test. She kinda fails when she tells the cops that she saw KAREN attack her aunt. Huh? Karen's dead...I think. Another disturbing scene follows when two cops discuss Alice's breasts. What the fuck - she's supposed to be like 11 or 12. We later learn that Alice has has her first period. This IS just like the Jill video - except Jill doesn't kill anyone from what I remember.

Catherine and Dom are convinced that Alice is innocent - Catherine thinks Annie just wants to pin it all on Alice because she has always hated the born out-of-wedlock child - and Dom thinks Angela (Annie's daughter) is the slasher. Sparks begin to reignite for the divorced couple, until a phone call from his new wife serves as a cold shower for Dom. Dom then receives a suspicious call from Angela. But the voice on the phone is an adult's - and Dom doesn't notice. Huh? "Angela" tells Dom that she has Karen's crucifix and wants to meet him in an abandoned building. Okay... After believing for an hour that Alice was the slasher, I began to wonder just WHO the masked killer was. Could it be Catherine? Could it be Annie's husband Jim? Could it be Alice? Angela? The sexy priest? One of the cats? I'm stumped!

Dom arrives at the warehouse and is attacked by the slasher (wearing the Halloween mask and the yellow raincoat.) He is soon stabbed in the shoulder and then hit in the face with a brick. Dom is then tied up and pushed out of window. This is so not a good week for the Spages family!

Finally the slasher takes off the mask and is revealed to be...XXXXXXX!!!! HUH??? Wow - I did NOT see that coming! XXXXXXX declares that Dom and Catherine are sinners. During Dom's autopsy, they find Karen's crucifix lodged in his throat, apparently he tried swallowing it to keep it away from the killer. Thanks, we were wondering where that went.

It's soon time for Sunday mass. Alice first stops by Mr. Alfonso's apartment to put cockroaches on his stomach as he sleeps.
Nice. Meanwhile, XXXXXXX packs a knife in a shopping bag and stops by the Spages' apartment. Mr. A wakes up and spots XXXXXXX - and thinking it's Alice, he grabs the killer, who then pulls out her knife and stabs him!!! Well, that's one character I can live without.

Later at church, just as XXXXXXX is about to receive Holy Communion, the slasher pulls out the knife and stabs Father Tom in the neck. The priest falls on the altar and into XXXXXXX's arms. Chaos ensues. In the final shot, we see Alice as she walks away from the altar carrying the shopping bag. Then she pulls the bloodied knife out of it and stares blankly into the camera!!! SUPER CREEPY!!!!

What else can I say about ALICE SWEET ALICE? This movie is fan-fucking-tastic! 10 outta 10. Scary, funny, crazy, sacrilegious - this one's a keeper with or without little Brooke. Thanks to my buddy Mike for helping me recall some of the details on this one.

THE VAULT OF HORROR

THE VAULT OF HORROR (1973, directed by Roy Ward Baker) is a British horror anthology and is a follow-up to the original film version of TALES OF THE CRYPT. Both are based on classic stories from the notorious EC Comics series from the early 1950s.

The film starts out as five men meet in an elevator in a London office building. They are taken to the sub-basement level, despite that was no one's chosen destination. They enter a plush sitting room as the elevator door closes behind them. They are trapped. As they waiting for help, they pour some drinks and begin discussing their dreams of death. Sounds like a fun way to kill time, eh?

The first story is called "Midnight Mess" - and it tells the tale of a man who tracks down his missing sister, only to kill her so that he be the sole claim to their inheritance. After killing her, he dines at a restaurant where both the wine and the soup are blood!!! Then, in a strange twist of fate, his sister appears to be still alive - but she's a vampire! Her and her restaurant friends murder the brother and hang him up to drain his blood, so they can drink it. Midnight mess indeed!

The second and best of the five stories is titled "The Neat Job" and stars funnyman Terry Thomas as an Felix Unger-type neat freak who has just married Glynis Johns (Tony winner who originally sang "Send in the Clowns" on Broadway) - who turns out not to be up to his strict OCD standards. His eventually drives her mad with his bellyaching - so she hammers him to death (with a hammer) and then cuts him up and organizes his body parts in neatly labeled jars. Martha Stewart would be so proud.

Epiode 3 is "This Trick’ll Kill You" about a magician and his wife on vacation in India, where he obnoxiously exposes the local magicians as frauds. Sort of like Penn & Teller. Then he comes across a woman "rope charmer" who plays a flute that brings a rope to life! He lures this woman back to his room, where kills her and he attempts to make the trick work for him. The wife climbs the rope - then disappears, leaving only a patch of blood on the ceiling. Huh? Was Aunt Flo paying a visit? Then the rope comes to life and viciously attacks the magician. That'll show 'em for messing with someone else's trick! This was the second best story.

The next, "Bargain in Death" – was the worst and thankfully shortest. It has to do with being buried alive. My least favorite way to die. The bloody ending is the only good part.

The final tale, "Drawn and Quartered" stars DOCTOR WHO's Tom Baker as a starving artist living on Haiti. He visits a voodoo priest and soon his artwork has powers like a voodoo doll. Anything that happens to his paintings, then happens to it's subject. Unfortunately his self-portrait gets acid poured on it. Ouchie!

Epilogue (with apologies to Quinn Martin): After all five stories are told, the elevator door opens, to reveal a graveyard. Then the five drunk men walk out and vanish into the cemetery. The last remaining fellow explains that their souls are damned - and must tell their stories over and over, day after day till the end of time. That's just gotta suck - luckily I only had to live though it all once.

You would think this film would be more fun - but it's slow pace makes you want to hit the FFWD button quite often - it really drags starting with the fourth story. Overall, I'd give this one a 6 outta 10 - but mostly only worth seeing for the second and third story.