Benji's Very Own Christmas

After starring in a string of family-friendly hits, but before co-starring with Chevy Chase in OH HEAVENLY DOG, Benji starred in his very own Christmas special on ABC. Cazn't tell you much about it because I've never seen it - but I did watch the original BENJI film back in 2007.

The first BENJI film was a childhood favorite.
I was ten years old when I first saw Joe Camp's kiddie classic BENJI (1974), and I remember loving it because it didn't look or feel like a kid's movie. Watching it again MANY years later (on Turner Movie Classics no less!), I can see why I thought that. The film is shot mainly from the dog's point of view, and most of the human characters are "grown up", making it feel like a movie for big people.

The movie opens as we see what looks like a haunted house - only it's not haunted (too bad) - it's Benji's house! Next we witness what appears to be the little dog's daily activities - as gets his breakfast from a friendly, but guarded, housekeeper named Mary and receives affection from two annoying kids named Paul and Cindy. The kids love Benji, but their MD dad has a problem with dogs be cause his brother was bit by one - once. After hiding Benji and his food bowl under the table (and on her lap) - Mary sends the dog off for his daily scuffle with THE ANDY GRIFFITH SHOW's Aunt Bea and her cat. After that he stops by the park for some romantic advice from a cop and finally swings by Bill's Café to wake up Bill (slow Uncle Joe from PETTICOAT JUNCTION) for his daily bone. So to speak. Each day apparently ends with a trip back to his house- which is abandoned and filled with antiques! We see Benji go through the routine at least four times - I think even as a kid I thought that was too much.

So Benji has it pretty damn good. Until one day, when things begin to change. A foursome of dopey troublemakers named Riley, Henry, Linda and Mitch break into his house with two bags of groceries (including pudding cups!) and declare it as a base of operations for their planned evildoings. Two of the guys think the house is haunted cause their pudding cups keep disappearing. Meanwhile, Benji meets up with a little white bitch named Tiffany, who becomes his domestic partner. Tiffany soon joins him on all is daily visits and is welcomed by the townsfolk as well. Mary even gives Tiffany a little makeover!

Meanwhile, back at the house: the plan is that the four villains are gonna kidnap Paul and Cindy and hold them for ransom. It's up to Benji to foil the plan, which is not easy considering he can't talk and Cesar Milan is not around to translate his constant barking. When Benji tries to help out, one of the bad guys kicks Tiffany - and we are thought to believe that she's dead. Of course, Benji eventually figures out how to communicate to the cops and townsfolk who close in on the bad guys and rescue the young hostages. There's a great scene near the climax between Mary and bad girl Linda (Deborah Walley of GIDGET and THE MOTHERS-IN-LAW fame). In the end, Tiffany just has a broken leg and the kids' dad changes his tune and lets Benji AND Tiffany move in with the family. Yay!

As a film, the story is simple and very slow-moving. The acting is mostly subpar, with Benji delivering the best performance. The music ranges from cute, to great to really, really annoying. On my scale, I'll give it a 6 just for old-times sake, but only watch it if you've had your proper daily caffeine intake. There are 3 sequels and numerous TV productions starring Benji as well. I think I'll pass on them, for now.

As social commentary, the parallels between BENJI and Lucille Ball's STONE PILLOW are staggering. Sure, Benji is a cute, sweet little doggie that works his way into the lives and hearts of a bunch of lazy Texans, much like Lucy's Flora character. They give him plenty of food (remember even Lucy gets old sandwiches, rotten veggies and cat food) and attention whenever the stops by their homes or workplaces, but they never address the bigger issue here - this dog is HOMELESS!!!

Getting on my soapbox for a minute: Just call me Bob Barker, but I think BENJI should now be re-purposed to help enforce mandatory spaying and neutering, micro-chipping and leash laws to help keep the stray animal population down and give homes to the millions of pound puppies in this country.

THE CAROL CHANNING SHOW

As I mentioned yesterday, Disc 8 of THE MOTHERS-IN-LAW has a few added bonuses. One of these is the complete pilot for an unsold Desi Arnaz-produced sitcom from 1966 called THE CAROL CHANNING SHOW. The show is built around the Broadway legend and tries to play off of her zany personality.

The show begins with wacky Carol Honeycutt introducing herself to the audience while wearing an enormous hat on her enormous head.

 Followed by some of the grooviest opening titles ever created.

 See I told you.

The opening scene has hungry, homeless, but peppy Carol trying to get a kid to share his snack with her. The kid brushes her off and soon a amorous young couple with hotdogs are seated next to her.

While the couple makes out, Carol makes off with their wieners. So begins the first of Carol's Lucy-like antics that fill this 40-minute laughfest.

Of course Carol gets caught in the act. Then Carol's friend Florence shows up and invites her to stay with her and her husband Leon until she gets on her feet.

So of course Carol sneaks into Florence's house and helps herself to food and drink, but Leon (THE MOTHERS-IN-LAW's Richard Deacon) thinks she's a thief and tries to shoot her. Unfortunately he shoots himself in the foot instead.

Carol then volunteers to nurse Leon back to health. That doesn't work out to well, so then gets a job at a steak house where she has a run-in with a crazed electric knife.

Carol chops up flowers, breadsticks and then attacks some customers. Chaos ensues and Carol is fired. Luckily no one is killed.

Next, she gets a job at a dance hall. Only she can't compete with the sexiness of some of the other dancers. Like this one...

Carol then proceeds to pin up her skirt and unbutton her blouse to attract takers.

 Carol wins over most of the men and gets to demonstrate a bunch of ridiculous dances.

She ends up becoming the belle of the ball, so much in fact that men are soon fighting over her.

But of course the place gets wrecked in the process, so Carol is forced to take to the stage for an impromptu song.

It all ends with Carol Honeycutt giving us an epilogue which makes no sense whatsoever.

And then the groovy closing credits begin. Yay.

One wonders what would have happened if THE CAROL CHANNING SHOW was picked up and became a hit? Would it be TV Land classic today? Would people think of Carol the same way we think of Lucy? The world will never know. Also included on the disc are a bunch a great vintage commercials, the best being one for Bold detergent featuring the talents of LAUGH-IN star Jo Anne Worley. Tune in tomorrow...

Fucked Up Religious Pamphlets - 3rd in a series

While not as fucked up as previous pamphlets, something about this one just makes me wanna pee. Have you ever seen so much yellow in one place in your life? Yellow background, yellow sweater, yellow jumpsuit, blonde hair, etc. I guess the way to "Have a Happy Home" is by surrounding yourself in all things yellow. What's interesting is that the family shown here is actually outdoors...in a house-shaped box -therefore they are homeless and relying on the contents of this pamphlet to instruct them on "How" to obtain a home of some sorts. Maybe this is really a real estate brochure? I don't know - all I know is I really gotta pee.

You can lose your mind...

Patty Lane (Patty Duke) was a normal American teen living in Brooklyn Heights, New York, who loved typically American things like ice cream, sleepovers and safe-looking boys. In the first episode, of THE PATTY DUKE SHOW, Patty's trampy "identical cousin" Cathy Lane (also played by Duke) arrives in the USA from Scotland to live with Patty and her family. That's where the comedy lies. (The uncanny physical resemblance that Patty and Cathy Lane share is explained by their dads being identical twin brothers- right!).

Okay, so what are Patty and Cathy up to in this here book based on their hit TV show? Hmmm..."The Adventure of the Chinese Junk"...oh it must be about that time Cathy convinced Patty to buy some cheap imported heroin from the Chinese exchange student at Brooklyn Heights High School! You see, Fred Yao smuggled heroin on military transport flights from Hong Kong for eventual distribution on the East Coast. Heroin (diacetylmorphine) is a semi-synthetic opioid synthesized from morphine, a derivative of the opium poppy. As with other opiates, heroin is used mainly as a recreational drug. One of the most common methods of heroin use is via intravenous injection (typically known as "shooting up"). One would surmise, by it's title that this book chronicles Patty's early addition and harrowing downward spiral into homelessness, overdose and eventual withdrawal. While Patty is in rehab, Cathy poses as her, turning her life upside down–resulting in pregnancy via Patty's boyfriend, Richard Harrison. Meanwhile, Patty's father, Martin, managing editor of a the New York Chronicle, struggles to maintain his sanity while the lives of the two girls tumble out of control. It all ends up on a sunny note, as Fred Yao is deported, Patty is declared "clean" by the family doctor and Cathy's miscarriage (after tumbling down the Lane house staircase) puts things back in order! What an adventure!
"Meet Cathy who's scored most everywhere, from Afghanistan to Vietnam; But Patty's only seen the sights a girl can see from illegal fights - what a crazy pair! But they're cousins, identical cousins all the way; one pair of matching headlights, different as straight and gay. Where Cathy adores a dutch oven, a Donkey Punch, and a tuna melt; our Patty loves to shoot the smack, black tar makes her lose her shit - what D-N-A! But they're cousins, identical cousins and you'll find they cry alike, they speak alike, at times they even freak alike. You can lose your mind ... when cousins are two of a kind!"

INLAND EMPIRE

I love David Lynch. BLUE VELVET and MULHOLLAND DRIVE are two of my all time favorite films. I still think TWIN PEAKS was one of the best network TV series ever. THE ELEPHANT MAN is a masterpiece, WILD AT HEART is a blast. I even liked DUNE!

So, why did it take me this long to see INLAND EMPIRE? Well, the Netflix disk arrived in March, but somehow I managed to make all sorts of excuses why I couldn't watch it. Mostly, at 3 hours long, I couldn't imagine a time when I could actually be able to watch it in one sitting without having any interruptions. Well, thanks to a knee injury that required R.I.C.E. (Rest, Ice, Compression and Elevation) I finally had the time to watch it!

Well, I have to say there were parts of the film that I totally loved. A subplot featuring clips from a "sitcom" about talking rabbits (complete with an inappropriate laughtrack) was astounding. In several roles (I think), Laura Dern gave the performance of her career (I'd say Oscar worthy) and her mom Diane Ladd was an absolute hoot as a TV gossip maven! Other Lynch regulars like Justin Theroux, Harry Dean Stanton and Grace Zabriskie were also fun to watch.

So, what was INLAND EMPIRE about? Well David Lynch has said it's "about a woman in trouble, and it's a mystery." And that pretty much sums it up. You start off confused and then every time you think you finally know what's happening, everything changes and you get confused all over again. It's both frustrating and mentally challenging, but never dull.

The film has Polish prostitutes, talking rabbits, a wacky dance number to Little Eva's "Loco-Motion", a Mrs. Kravitz-like nosy neighbor (Zabriskie), a ENTERTAINMENT TONIGHT parody, a movie within the movie called "On High in Blue Tomorrows", a screenplay with a gypsy curse, a deadly screwdriver, a hypnotic phantom with a lightbulb in his mouth, and an amazing monologue from a japanese homeless girl about her friend in Pomona who has a pet monkey!!! Need I say more?

The thing about Lynch is that while some directors like Jonathan Demme and Steven Soderbergh started off with smaller, odd films and have graduated to big-budget mainstream studio stuff, Lynch has made his latest feature film every bit as strange as 1977's ERASERHEAD. You just gotta love the guy for that.

Do I recommend INLAND EMPIRE? Sure - but you gotta be in the mood and have three hours of free time, and be prepared to say "Huh?" about every three minutes.

BENJI

Continuing my holiday movie weekend, and battling a bad cold - I choose to revisit a childhood favorite. I was ten years old when I first saw Joe Camp's kiddie classic BENJI (1974), and I remember loving it because it didn't look or feel like a kid's movie. Watching it again 33 years later (on Turner Movie Classics no less!), I can see why I thought that. The film is shot mainly from the dog's point of view, and most of the human characters are "grown up", making it feel like a movie for big people.

The movie opens as we see what looks like a haunted house - only it's not haunted (too bad) - it's Benji's house! Next we witness what appears to be the little dog's daily activities - as gets his breakfast from a friendly, but guarded, housekeeper named Mary and receives affection from two annoying kids named Paul and Cindy. The kids love Benji, but their MD dad has a problem with dogs be cause his brother was bit by one - once. After hiding Benji and his food bowl under the table (and on her lap) - Mary sends the dog off for his daily scuffle with THE ANDY GRIFFITH SHOW's Aunt Bea and her cat. After that he stops by the park for some romantic advice from a cop and finally swings by Bill's Café to wake up Bill (slow Uncle Joe from PETTICOAT JUNCTION) for his daily bone. So to speak. Each day apparently ends with a trip back to his house- which is abandoned and filled with antiques! We see Benji go through the routine at least four times - I think even as a kid I thought that was too much.

So Benji has it pretty damn good. Until one day, when things begin to change. A foursome of dopey troublemakers named Riley, Henry, Linda and Mitch break into his house with two bags of groceries (including pudding cups!) and declare it as a base of operations for their planned evildoings. Two of the guys think the house is haunted cause their pudding cups keep disappearing. Meanwhile, Benji meets up with a little white bitch named Tiffany, who becomes his domestic partner. Tiffany soon joins him on all is daily visits and is welcomed by the townsfolk as well. Mary even gives Tiffany a little makeover!

Meanwhile, back at the house: the plan is that the four villains are gonna kidnap Paul and Cindy and hold them for ransom. It's up to Benji to foil the plan, which is not easy considering he can't talk and Cesar Milan is not around to translate his constant barking. When Benji tries to help out, one of the bad guys kicks Tiffany - and we are thought to believe that she's dead. Of course, Benji eventually figures out how to communicate to the cops and townsfolk who close in on the bad guys and rescue the young hostages. There's a great scene near the climax between Mary and bad girl Linda (Deborah Walley of GIDGET and THE MOTHERS-IN-LAW fame). In the end, Tiffany just has a broken leg and the kids' dad changes his tune and lets Benji AND Tiffany move in with the family. Yay!

As a film, the story is simple and very slow-moving. The acting is mostly subpar, with Benji delivering the best performance. The music ranges from cute, to great to really, really annoying. On my "Huh?" scale, I'll give it a 6 just for old-times sake, but only watch it if you've had your proper daily caffeine intake. There are 3 sequels and numerous TV productions starring Benji as well. I think I'll pass on them, for now.

As social commentary, the parallels between BENJI and the recently reviewed STONE PILLOW are staggering. Sure, Benji is a cute, sweet little doggie that works his way into the lives and hearts of a bunch of lazy Texans, much like Lucy's Flora character. They give him plenty of food (remember even Lucy gets old sandwiches, rotten veggies and cat food) and attention whenever the stops by their homes or workplaces, but they never address the bigger issue here - this dog is HOMELESS!!! Getting on my soapbox for a minute: Just call me Bob Barker, but I think BENJI should now be re-purposed to help enforce mandatory spaying and neutering, micro-chipping and leash laws to help keep the stray animal population down and give homes to the millions of pound puppies in this country. Happy Holidays!

STONE PILLOW

The second film in my Lucille Ball Double Feature is STONE PILLOW, which I like to call WHATEVER HAPPENED TO AUNTIE MAME?

This 1985 CBS TV-movie was Lucy's big attempt at being taken seriously. Following in the fottsteps of Carol Burnett in FRIENDLY FIRE and Farah Fawcett in THE BURNING BED, America's sweetheart decided to play a cranky bag lady in a "gritty" (for network TV) expose of the homeless problem in America.

The story opens on the mean streets of New York City, where we see a pile of black garbage bags. Under that pile is Lucy! Baggy eyed and dressed in many layers of tattered clothes, this is a far cry from the soft-focus of MAME. But yet, as soon as she speaks - it's the same old Lucy we've seen everywhere else, only this time there's no Ethel Mertz or Mr. Mooney to bail her out. We learn that her name is Flora, and she's the neighborhood's favorite lovable bag lady - like a stray dog that everybody pets and feeds but doesn't want to take in because she may have fleas.

After crawling out of the garbage, Flora parks her shopping cart and proceeds to wash her face with a hose. For some reason I'm reminded of the old Harpo Marx mirror gag.

Next we meet, Carrie played by Daphne Zuniga, after THE SURE THING but before SPACEBALLS and MELROSE PLACE. Carrie works at a women's shelter where someone has broken in and stolen supplies. I think it was Carrie's fault. Her boss tells her that she needs to see what it like out there on the streets. I don't think he means literally. I could be wrong.

Meanwhile, Lucy brushes her teeth and hair (good grooming never hurt anyone!) and a beat cop brings her an old sandwich. He also tells her about some drugged up kids who killed another old lady. She ain't scared of no kids!

Lucy settles down on her cardboard box to read yesterday's paper. Then a fruit truck shows up and Lucy helps herself to some damaged veggies - and in an obvious homage to ROCKY and possibly Edith Massey - eats a raw egg. Ewwww!

Meanwhile, Carrie tries to chat with a homeless guy who offers her a sip from his bottle of booze. Some teen-age toughs try to steal Lucy's crap - then she crosses the street with her cart and almost gets hit by a car because she spots Carrie feeding pigeons with a discarded bun that she had her eye on. The tough guys then mug Carrie in broad daylight and steal some crap from Lucy's cart. Where's that damn cop now that we need him?

Lucy thinks Carrie is a runaway - she tells her to get herself to a shelter-pronto! Lucy then yammers on about somebody named "Sonny" - possibly her son? I'm just guessing.

Next the guy who played the fake "Michael Garrison/Hudson" on ANOTHER WORLD attempts to buy Lucy some coffee while she attempts to take a poop in a stairwell. While trying to pinch one out, another homeless woman tries to steal her shopping cart - but Carrie steps in and foils the robbery. What a team these two make!

Lucy finds half a roast beef sandwich and slice of melon in the trash and offers it to Carrie. Once again Lucy tells her that she needs to go to the shelter, but Carrie's just not having it. After they share a dinner, Lucy drinks vinegar "to toughen her feet" - she also spouts out some sage nutritional information about things like raw vegetables and iodine. Luckily she doesn't sing.

One of the produce store guys warns Carrie that some girl was raped in the alley, prompting Lucy to teach Carrie how to act "crazy" to defend herself. Oh that Lucy, gotta love her! I'm guessing it's about 10PM at this point. Then they have a heart-to-heart and Lucy tells Carrie all about her farm where she used to grow her own veggies. Lucy tries to leave Carrie behind in the Port Authority, but they both end up getting kicked out by a mean guard. Must be like 11PM now, right?

The long night continues as they attempt to get some money by recycling some soda cans, but the supermarket worker comes on to Carrie and she runs out without the money or the cans. Lucy calls her dumb (or was that me?) and Carrie breaks down, crying "Life is so hard, I had no idea!!!" Is it midnight yet?

Then they settle in a stairway for the night (so they think) and Lucy takes out her teddy bear. And soon a stray dog joins them. Awww...they have become a little family. But then a another mean cop wakes them all up - forcing them to head for Grand Central terminal. Once there, Lucy shows Carrie her son Sonny's baby spoon, and tells the story of how she ended up on the streets. Turns out Sonny got sick then she got sick and was hospitalized. When she got out her husband and son were gone. She tried to find them to no avail. Then she tried working as a housekeeper, but that didn't work out. After trying to live on welfare she ended up "outside" without an address to get her checks mailed. Then she gives Carrie the spoon because she kinda looks like Sonny. Huh? I'm guess it's around 1AM now. It's gotta be.

Suddenly, Carrie is sick to her stomach (from Lucy's terrible "cooking"). Lucy goes to get her medicine and while she is gone a guy named Max turns up - and he begins spouting statistics about homeless people and tells Carrie the backstories of some of the people who live in the Underground. He thinks Carrie's a reporter or something - especially when she freaks out over the lice in her hair. 2AM-ish now, you think?

Meanwhile, Lucy sips tea with Mr. B, the pharmacist, who is being evicted cause he lost his lease. What time of the night is it exactly ??? Why is Mr. B. still working at this late hour? It must be like 3AM by now...

Back in the Underground, two sleazy guys try to rape Carrie despite her lice and her telling them she's sick and contagious. A nice, helpful African American woman saves her and cleans her up while telling her tragic backstory. Lucy returns with pills for Carrie, but Max tells her that Carrie is not what she appeared to be. 4AM...I'm just guessing.

Lucy heads to the Women's Shelter in hopes of finding Carrie there - she does - only Carrie is all cleaned up (and de-liced?) and working!!! Huh? Is this REALLY all one night??? Come on...

Lucy freaks out over Carrie's manipulation and gets separated from her shopping cart and is put on a bus to Brooklyn with a bunch of other (mostly crazy) homeless women. Carrie's boss reads her the riot act as Lucy continues to freak out on the bus. The Brooklyn shelter woman gives her money for carfare back to Manhattan - but a gang of metalheads and a rat make her change her mind. She'll stay for just one night. Wait - it's still night?

Lucy showers and tries to sleep, but a cat fight erupts - and Lucy tries to intervene and is banished to the TV room where other homeless women are watching DYNASTY - at 5AM??? One of the women freaks out and smashes the TV - of course Lucy gets blamed. Oh sweet Jesus - can things get any worse for Lucy???

After Carrie calls the shelter and is treated poorly - her coworker Anna Maria Horsford (of AMEN fame) tells her that she can help Lucy get off the streets. Lucy gets her carfare and heads out of the Brooklyn shelter. She thinks she see Sonny, but it's actually a pile of rats. After yelling like Lucy Ricardo, she finds shelter in a dark, abandoned building. She then finds a toy horse, leans against a wall and slowly sinks to the floor. She then flashes back to her previous life: her husband, her home, her son and her younger self. This part was actually effective and quite moving - either that or my cough medicine kicked in.

Well, it's FINALLY morning - and after the longest night ever recorded - Lucy awakens! Carrie calls the Brooklyn shelter again - and again gets no help. She then heads to all Lucy's favorite haunts but can't find her anywhere - but one of the Underground women from last night leads her to Max! Meanwhile, Lucy eats cat food.

Max turns out to be "public accountant" who helps homeless people by doing pro bono work for them. He's also befriended them because they are just like us - except homeless. Max leads Carrie to Lucy - but it might be too late - Max declares her dead. But it's NOT her - the real Lucy then shows up and the nice cop gives her another stale sandwich! Carrie gives Lucy back her cart - then Lucy almost gets hit by a car AGAIN!

Carrie tells Lucy she wants to help her - she wants to give her a REAL home again - but Lucy says NO! Carrie has friends who will rent a guest house with a garden to Lucy (I hope it's not those Upsons!). Carrie wants to repay Lucy for taking care of her - but Lucy says NO! Then Carrie gives Lucy back the spoon.

THEN Lucy changes her mind and chases after Carrie. Over the end credits, we see Lucy driven to her new home - and the dirt patch where she can grow her vegetable garden - and fertilize it with her own poop!

This movie felt twice as long as MAME - like an entire season of 24 all at once - and had so many "Huh?" moments, my brain was numb afterwards. I guess it was a brave choice for Lucy - but torture for us viewers. To erase the image of Flora from people minds, Lucy later returned to TV comedy in LIFE WITH LUCY. Wish THAT was on dvd!

7 outta 10 "Huhs?" because Lucy poops.