Mickey Rooney is THE MANIPULATOR

Here's a post from 2008 - in honor of the late Mr. Rooney. Ever wonder what it would be like if Sid & Marty Krofft produced Stephen King's MISERY? Well, 1971's THE MANIPULATOR (aka BJ LANG PRESENTS) is a pretty close approximation of what it might look like.It all starts innocently enough on a rainy night, when we see a dark figure in a hat and raincoat walking on a dark city street accompanied by standard 1970s TV-movie theme music followed by the opening titles "Mickey Rooney...Luana Anders...THE MANIPULATOR". A fancy old car then pulls up to a warehouse and Mickey exits sporting his YEAR WITHOUT A SANTA CLAUS beard. He then gets into a freight elevator as flashes of random Fellini-like horrors begin. This is when we start to know this is no ABC Movie of the Week.

Mickey walks by what looks like a dusty animal carcass and climbs up a ladder into what looks like a Hollywood prop house. He then sits in an old leather chair, takes off his rose-tinted sunglasses and begins talking to himself as if he is various members of a film crew. Okay. He chats with a mannequin named "Wally" in a what could be a scene from ANDY HARDY HAS A COMPLETE MENTAL BREAKDOWN-decides to "put on a show!!!" Too bad Judy wasn't around to help out!

So Mickey begins to describe the upcoming scene to his imaginary "cast & crew". He calls "action!" and turns on a strobe light, imagining a pair of nude elderly actors dancing in the spotlight as he shouts the lyrics to "Chattanooga Choo Choo" at them. Then he showers the naked old folks with flowers. HUH??? The old people soon disappear, then Mickey pulls back a curtain and screams - and a real woman (Luana Anders) screams back at him. She's his "star", Carlotta - and she's hungry. In fact she asks him for food repeatedly. Turns out she's his prisoner and he has her tied to a wheelchair - and it's time for her lunch! Mickey then feeds her water from a silver chalice and baby food from a jar. Classy.

So then we learn that Carlotta has been cast as Roxanne (the Daryl Hannah role) in BJ Lang's film version of CYRANO DE BERGERAC. While Mickey is feeding her, she bites his finger and tells him that she's grateful for his kindness to her. Then he yells at some "crew members" and rolls in a huge spotlight followed by a (believe it or not) a fast-motion dance with a broomstick intercut with insert shots of a growling wild animal. Very Krofft-like. Meanwhile, Carlotta unties herself. Run like the wind, girl, run!!!

I guess she didn't run cause Mickey then shows up in drag make-up...and whispers to Charlotte about when he used to make up Marilyn's eyes. Then her gets all femme as he applies Carlotta's Roxanne make-up. This is a very disturbing scene. What would Judy say???

Mickey hears some cackling laughter in his head and is now sporting a really fake Witchie-Poo type Cyrano nose. I guess he's the director AND star of this production! Then he pushes Carlotta's wheelchair head-on into a mirror and demands that she recite her lines from the balcony scene. Then he yells at the thunder outside to be "quiet". Huh?After playing with some color gels, Mickey gives a pep talk to his imaginary background players (actually a collection of broken mannequins). Then he forces Carlotta to act out a scene - he calls "cut!!!" and breaks into another "Chattanooga Choo Choo" performance. Jesus - please make it stop!!! Then he tells her all about "fear" as he pretends to choke her. That's when I decide that ANDY HARDY MUST DIE!!!

So, Mickey calls "action!!!" again and they act out their big scene and unseen crowds roar with applause and "bravos!" Carlotta then tells him that the audience LOVES him. What follows next is the most bizarre scene in the film - We see a naked baby walking around a cocktail party where we also see the usual assortment of late 60s/early 70s "freaks" - you know - nudists, drag queens, Ruth Gordon-type old ladies, more nudists, pot-smokers, hippies, sex maniacs and others eating Saltine crackers with spinach dip and tripping out on acid. This all culminates with a giant orgy where Mickey is caressed by both women and men...and the naked baby is in the middle of it all!!! Really...I ask again...WHAT would Judy say???

While preparing for his big "duel" scene, Mickey suddenly collapses and Carlotta begs him NOT to die. Huh? She gets herself free and begins kicking the shit out of him. Why doesn't she just RUN??? Of course he manages to pin her down and kiss her! What a MANIPULATOR! Carlotta then begins running in very slow motion down a looooonnnnnggggg hallway while crazy electronic special effects music plays. Soon Mickey leaps out at her with his Cyrano sword. She decides to hide behind some sheer curtains. Smart girl, that Carlotta.

Then Mickey chases her through the mannequin display - and she attacks him with the spotlight. Carlotta then continues to run through the prop house through what looks like a combo wardrobe department and meat locker. She then crawls around the catwalk as Mickey hollers out orders to his "film crew"...and he once again breaks into song - yes, that's right - "Chattanooga Choo Choo" for the third fucking time!!! I beg of you....Please make it stop...please!!!! I will never listen to that song the same way again. Actually, I will never listen to that song again, PERIOD.

As Carlotta continues to navigate her way through the wardrobe, she suddenly stumbles upon "guest star" character actor Keenan Wynn - who Mickey stabs with his sword and kills. I guess it was just a cameo. Suddenly we're in a slaughterhouse, where a string quartet entertains both women in furs and butchers wearing bloody aprons as Carlotta dances for them all. I just can't say "huh?" anymore - I'm totally exhausted.

Mickey tells Carlotta he'll let her go if she tells him that she loves him. She doesn't - but he lets her go anyway. Okay, HUH? She then runs through the damn wardrobe again!!! She climbs down the ladder into the freight elevator...but she can't figure out how to open the door - so she just slams herself against the walls till it opens. Oh my god...I can't take much more of this.

Finally - Carlotta runs out into the rain - and locks herself in his car!!! She starts blowing the horn as Mickey pounds on the car windows - finally smashing the window with a trash can. He unlocks the door. Fade to: she's back inside with him. They kiss - and she laughs. This drives him CRAZY. I mean REALLY CRAZY. Then everyTHING around him begins to laugh. Mannequins, dead animals, boxes, jars of Vicks VapoRub, Chia Pets, etc. Then she starts yelling "No!!! No!!! No!!!" at him and he recites the final lines from CYRANO - and she actually looks at him... LOVINGLY!!!

Then he stabs himself with the sword and dies. She hears applause and takes a bow. The End. After the end credits we see Mickey's sped-up dance with the broom again. I almost expected Pufnstuf to show up and join in. The End for real.

Holy Shit! I really think Mickey thought he was gonna get an Oscar for this "brave" film role. I'm just surprised he ever worked again after it!!! This movie needs to be seen just to show how an actor's ego can lead to bad film choices. I do have to say that Luana Anders was truly compelling as Carlotta - and I look forward to seeing some of her other films. Sadly, she passed away in 1996.

The film really rates a 10 outta 10 - but only deserves 2 outta 10 because by the end you just feel so beat up, mentally drained and MANIPULATED from watching it. Wonder who that poor nude baby at the orgy grew up to be? Jimmy Osmond?

Have a Happy...

Hello readers, it's been a super busy year between my "day job", working on PRETTY and just life in general. I intended to post many more wonderful holiday themed items over the past few week, but alas there is not enough time in the day. I do hope you all are having a great holiday no matter WHAT or HOW you celebrate and look forward to a big, bright New Year for us all. Peace, peeps.

Naughty & Nice - Holiday Pin-Ups

From 2008 : Since a certain nameless blog listing service turned down Dougsploitation because it considered it "pornography" - I decided to put my money shots where their mouths are and share some slightly sexy photos from Santa's private collection.

First up, we have everybody's favorite Batgirl, Yvonne Craig showing some skin as she poses among some brightly wrapped packages spilling out of Old St. Nick's big sleigh.

Next up we have a classic James Bidgood photo of a hunky young man (circa 1966). Looks like somebody has already started unwrapping their present!

Yvonne's back, this time looking pert and stylish as she poses with a smiling snowman in front of a lovely decorated holiday window.

Meanwhile, a twinky blonde caroler has arrived with quite an assortment of gifts for some lucky recipient. This is another shot from a Bidgood collection called Holiday.

Random Holiday Stuff

From 2009: Throughout the year whenever I come across some Christmas-themed images I file them away and hope that I remember to blog about them. Well this year I've been so busy that I almost forgot to share them with you, my loyal readers.

Lucy & Desi give the gift of lung cancer in special holiday-themed cigarette packaging from their friends at Philip Morris. Something wonderful happens when you give Philip Morris!

These ladies know what it's all about: getting gifts and sparkling like a living Christmas tree!

Don Holliday and Companion Books bring us the timeless Christmas classic, Holiday Gay featuring seasonal tales of half-naked Santas and dirty little elves engaging in a traditional holiday orgy. Ah, my people...

Gibson Cards has a wonderful thought for everyone this holiday season - even Molly, who's clearly a bit on the simple side.

This was seen at a local Big Lots store - Santa's bending over to warm his big fat butt just in time for Mr. Snowman to deliver him a stocking stuffer of a carrot!

And finally, something a bit sentimental. An Advent calendar given to me by my late Aunt Vicky when I was a mere child. This glittery bible-quote card has been with me every year for the past 40 years or so. I will treasure it always as much as my memories of the sweet, warm and funny lady who gave it to me. Merry Christmas!

Santa's Village

Santa's Village were the first franchised theme parks in the world. Imagine a place where children could experience the fun of Christmas 365 days a year!Sadly, they are a thing of the past. For an exhaustive history of these incredible parks, go here.

Prisoner of Christmas Island

Sounds like a lovely place to be held prisoner to me!

Hooray for Holidays!

The Hollywood Christmas Parade kicks off the holiday season in tinsel town with a annual star-studded extravaganza. It used to occur on the evening before Thanksgiving and was telecast throughout the season.The very first parade, in 1928, was highlighted by the appearance of only one actress, Jeanette Loff, and Santa Claus. Since the main attraction seemed to be Santa, the Hollywood Chamber of Commerce named it The Santa Claus Lane Parade.
The parade was created to attract shoppers and their families to Hollywood Boulevard during the holiday season. Hollywood Boulevard was decorated with live Christmas trees and a live reindeer pulled sleigh carrying Santa Claus and Ms. Loff down the Boulevard. Miss Loff died in 1942 under mysterious circumstances. (The above photo is from the 1950 parade, © Toyo Miyatake.)In later years bigger stars would participate - like the late David Carradine, who died last year, also under mysterious circumstances.In 1946, the parade inspired Gene Autry to write Here Comes Santa Claus, (Right Down Santa Clause Lane). Autry died at the ripe old age of 91. Whew - I was beginning to think this parade was cursed!
The parade was in Los Angeles on KTTV Channel 11, and syndicated to stations across the country - including WNEW, channel 5 in New York. Santa wears glasses? Looks more like the late Steve Allen.
Other LA stations also carried the live broadcast. Interesting how Channel 13's ad highlighted the shows whose stars were appearing in the parade. Hosted by Hobo Kelly? The event was renamed The Hollywood Christmas Parade in 1978 and the coverage switched over to KTLA Channel 5. In 2004, NBC aired an hour-long Blockbuster Hollywood Christmas Spectacular.
In 2010, the 79th annual parade will take place on Sunday, November 28, 2009 at 6 p.m. It will air nationally on local stations and on The Hallmark MOVIE Channel (It's a movie? Who knew?) on Dec. 15. The Grand Marshall for the 2010 parade is Larry King. Here's the official website.

Bob Eubanks and Lee Meriwether have been replaced by Erik Estrada and Laura McKensie. WHO???

Thifty & Nifty Holiday Decorating the Dougsploitation Way!

From last Christmas Season...(with updates)
the Dougsploitation household is almost entirely decorated for the holiday season. This year, due to budget constraints that we're all facing, I've decided to spruce up my ornament and knickknack collection with some finds at thrift stores, 99 Cents Stores and by raiding my mother's garage on my last visit back home.
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Since my theme is vintage & retro, what better place to start with an old family heirloom? This simple hand-painted glass ball is the last remaining of a set that belonged to my beloved grandmother. It was always a tradition to have grandma hang the first ornament on the family tree, and it was always this very decoration. I've continued this tradition this year in my home by placing this first on my brand new (cheaply purchased on hayneedle.com) white tree.

Speaking of cheap trees, this one came courtesy of JoAnn Fabrics clearance sale in 2008 for TWO DOLLARS. It was purchased as set dressing for a film I worked on in 2008 called PORNOGRAPHY: A THRILLER (now on on dvd). It now is a part of my annual holiday decor.

This silly Santa ball is an exact replica of one I purchased as a child at Rickel's Hardware in Staten Island, NY. The original was lost or possibly dismantled years ago, but I was happy as an elf to find this one (in mint condition!) last November in a thrift store outside of Phoenix, AZ for $3. The two elves beside him are new acquisitions from my friend Laura K's garage. I think they belonged to her late mother-in-law. I think they are just precious. (And not based on the novel PUSH by Sapphire) Thanks Laura!

Here's a batch of silly snowman purchased for a buck each at a Korean supermarket in Glendale.
They look like they were sitting in the store since 1975, which makes them all the better. These guess fit in great with my blue & silver Hanukkah display in my kitchen. Right next to my Jonathan Adler "dolls" canister.

Here's a Santa I rescued from my mom's garage. Purchased in the late 1970s, I'm so glad this guy has made it intact to Burbank.

Here's a duo that came from the aforementioned Korean supermarket. At a buck each, they don't look like much in their cellophane bags...but once hung on the tree...
Viola! How adorably festive is he now?

Courtesy of the Glendale Good Will, I came across this box of awesome UNBREAKABLE ornaments from the 1970s. The price? 99 Cents. The catch? One was shattered to bits!!! Unbreakable, my ass.

But check out this groovy box design.

And they came from Grant's Department Store in New York!!! The same place I got my first bicycle on Christmas morning almost 40 years ago! How cool yule is that?

I acquired this freakish ornament from a small hardware store in San Fransisco about ten years ago when I lived up there. SF is one of the best places in the world to spend the holidays.

This little guy I've had for over 30 years. He was my first rocking horse ornament in a collection that grew to over 100. I donated many of them to charity a few years back, but I could not bring myself to let go of this sweetie pie.

This retro Santa I bought last weekend at Macy's for $1.50! There's two others in the series. What a deal. It's a like a Miracle on Magnolia Ave.

Here's another After Christmas sale clearance item - I believe he was $3 at K-Mart. His retro look is a perfect fit for my kitchen window display, which includes...

these amazing candles designed by my talented friend, the fabulous Madeline Long, also known Shelley Winters from Dennis Hensley's MISMATCH GAME and can now be seen as Ribina Champagne's Bible-thumping friend Bernadette starting on episode 2.5 of PRETTY. So there you have it - a quick look at how I've decked my hall cheaply and with a Dougsploitation twist!

'Tis The Season of Variety!

Another 2008 post re-purposed for your holiday reading pleasure. Having a "day job" has really been a detriment to my blogging lately.After snuggling up with a cup of Rice Nog and a crackling fire to view a batch of old Christmas specials-I realized that there was actually a theme–they all were hosted by married couples! The first show in my mini-marathon was CAPTAIN & TENILLE: THE CHRISTMAS SHOW from 1976. For those unfamiliar with Daryl Dragon and Toni Tenille-they were a Grammy-winning duo who rose to fame with the instant pop classic "Love Will Keep Up Together," followed by a string of other memorable light tunes. They created quite a media sensation for a year or two. Little girls wanted their hair to look like Toni's and gay boys wanted to play with dolls that looked like The Captain.They were like a funkier version of The Carpenters, only married. As their fame grew, ABC awarded them with their own primetime variety hour which was highlighted by Toni's Southern charm and Daryl's "I didn't sign on for THIS" look in his eyes.This holiday-themed episode features an appearance by the very talented Pointer Sisters (back then it was four, later three-and now, sadly two) but to balance things out, the decidedly less talented Tenille Sisters also perform. The hour crawls by and we can't help feel sorry for the Captain, who never seems at ease when the camera is on him. Well, he must have gotten used to it because 30 years later, he's still performing Christmas with Toni! Love has kept them together!Next up I watched 3–count 'em 3–SONNY & CHER Christmas episodes. What can be said about Sono Bono and Cher Sarkissian that hasn't been said already? He was a talented Italian-American songwriter (the classic "Bang Bang") and she was a beautiful Armenian-American (among other things) singer with great comedic chops as well. Their marriage ended - and she became a solo superstar, cosmetic surgery disaster and gay icon, winning an Oscar ® along the way. He played a bigot in the original HAIRSPRAY, became a Republican senator and died by crashing into a tree on skis. Their daughter Chastity grew up and out to become a lesbian activist and is now in the progress of transitioning to become a transgendered man named Chas.
Their first Christmas show from 1972 features guest William Conrad (CANNON, JAKE & THE FAT MAN) playing - who else? Santa! The highlight is an animated segment featuring the Three Dog Night song, "Black and White".For the second show, from 1973, Conrad returns, and there's another cartoon–this one set to Stevie Wonder's "Higher Ground". There's also an entertaining medley of Christmas carols set in an old-fashioned Christmas village, with Cher singing an amazing rendition of "O Holy Night."
The third show in the trilogy is from 1976 after Sonny and Cher were divorced and the guests are Bernadette Peters, Captain Kangaroo and a certain duo we like to call Shields & Yarnell. These semi-annoying street mimes were discovered by Marcel Marceau (...or so the legend goes) and before you know it they were appearing on virtually every variety and talk show of the 1970s. Robert Shields and Lorene Yarnell thrilled millions with their act - creating several unique characters that at times won over people who normally who hate mimes (I have no scientific data to prove this). They even hosted their own semi-popular CBS series in 1977-78 - and appeared on the cover of Dynamite magazine!

In 1978 - the still-married duo (they divorced in '86) hosted NBC's CHRISTMAS IN WALT DISNEY WORLD, not to be confused with CHRISTMAS IN DISNEYLAND.

This unbearable hour of torment features barely any cohesiveness and guest appearances by Avery Schreiber (as Gepetto), Phyllis Diller (a highlight, as always)and WHAT'S HAPPENING's Danielle Spencer (a low point-did this child ever learn how to deliver a line?). My advice to anyone who loves Disney: avoid this at all costs. I'd opt rather for 1966's DISNEYLAND AROUND THE SEASONS (available on dvd) or 1962's HOLIDAY TIME AT DISNEYLAND (rare and hard-to-find).So there you have it - an evening of Captain, Tenille, Sony, Cher, Shields and Yarnell. And once again, I've watched them all so you don't have to!