I Can Finally Breathe

Finally.

A happier post. A post with something good to share. Almost motivational, if you will.

My legs and lungs are finally taking a break and I no longer feel as though I am treading water in the middle of the ocean. I am swimming. Swimming towards a goal. Swimming towards dry land, which makes the tiredness just drift away.

After a month of feeling hopeless. Of not knowing WHAT TO DO. Of feeling like a failure. Compounded by eight months of a dream not coming to fruition, I've finally found space and air.

I
Can
Finally
Breathe.

I shared more of my story on my Instagram, with videos because it's so much easier to talk than write. But the crux of it is, I've found another job, hallejuah. One which is a guaranteed 40 hours a week, plus has the flexibility to allow me to train and teach, too.

This moment means so much because the feeling of failure was so great, but it also means I can allow my husband to breathe. He no longer has to hold up the household on his own. I will finally be able to contribute to the finances as I should. I am so grateful for his support and love. I'm so grateful for you all lifting me up. For reading my resumes and cover letters. Thank you for reading and for championing me at my lowest. I am always here for you if you need it.

Cheers to the new chapter.

Thoughts On A Thursday: The Struggle is Real

S t r u g g l e. We all have it at one time or another. Some are better than others at hiding their struggle and pretending everything is okay. In the past I admit I judged those people. You know, the ones posting happy joyous things about their lives when you know FIRST HAND they are struggling with insecurities. The ones bragging about their husbands bringing them gifts back from long trips when you know they fought the entire time apart. Bloggers who post I'M DOING SO GREAT AND EVERYONE LOVES me posts to make them feel better when you are well aware they are beyond scared of being alone. People who only share the highlight reel, without EVER mentioning the tough, long hours it took to build their life. Yeah, those people...I judged them and I judged them HARD.

Which looking back was 1] SO NOT MY BUSINESS (even if I was invited to be part of the drama) 2] Not my place because I'd never walked a mile in their shoes. Interesting how quickly PERSPECTIVE changes when one experiences struggle upon struggle in their own life. Not saying I've never struggled before this move, because that is completely false. There was sickness, fear, job dramas, and fights that happened back in Virginia. However the struggle has been REAL the past two years. Real and serious. Real and HARD. Real and something I go back and forth on truly sharing.

I've mentioned my lack of wanting to share things here because of people in my past cheering against me. I know it happens and now I'm all like || WHATEVER || about it. They won't change because of me so why waste my thoughts and time on them? Also, I do my BEST to be 100% real and authentic here. Will I share every detail of my life? Nope, not how I roll. However, my goal with this blog is to chronicle my TRUE life and to be relatable if possible. So, you might have notice silence here and it was because I didn't know what to write since life has been such a struggle lately.

Work life. Wow, what can I say about work life I haven't already said? Personal training is so hard because people don't seem to value their health enough to invest in someone who knows what they are doing. People are willing to put money down for products upon things upon makeup but a personal trainer is a waste. So, people love my classes but won't put money down to actually change their lives. Which means peanuts coming in every two weeks. So few peanuts I've gone out and gotten a second job until my BIG GIRL job clearance comes through. Which means my days are filled teaching more classes than I expected and being pretty dunzo when I get home. Speaking of home....

Renovation life. Ugh. This whole process is so not my jam and doing everything ourselves means while things are CHEAPER everything takes so much longer than planned. The master bathroom is SO close to being done, so close. But still, it's not done. Tile is down, I can SHOWER at home with hot water and everything is painted which is all praise hands but it's still not done. Neither is the kitchen. And the constant chaos at home has pushed me to my limits. When my life is chaotic I NEED peace at home but there hasn't been peace and order since February. I've done my best to bit my lip, grin and bear it however I'm at my boiling point. Which leads to...

Marriage life. Anyone else think vows should include "In renovation and loss of jobs"? I mean, egad both are such strains on a marriage. I've always known marriage was work. I never grew up thinking things would be easy all the time, nor do I believe I needed someone to complete me. I love my husband and am beyond thankful he is my person for the rest of my life. However, sometimes I just wanna throw up my hands, run away to an island and live alone. Am I the only one here? Maybe, but hey, that's my truth right now. Le Husband and I are opposites which means we deal with things SO differently and when things are TOUGH we just want the other to GET IT OUR WAY. Wanna guess how many times that's happened? If you guessed zero, you get a prize. Navigating through 'love languages' and 'communication styles' isn't fun. Not something to get the blood pumping or bring back that loving feeling. It's work, it's tiring, it's boring yet it's so needed. And we are working on it, so we can be better for each other and for our life down the road.

Why am I sharing this now? To let you know I'm okay. To let you know if you're struggling you are okay. To share something that might help someone else who is dealing with the ughs. What have the past two months taught me? There truly is beauty in the breakdown.

Because through it all I'm grateful. Grateful for a home, some kind of work to pay bills, some money, my health, my husband and the health of my family. Grateful for my easy friends who let me wallow away alone and accept me when I come back later. Grateful to friends here who are willing to REALLY listen when I struggle and who lift me up to get back on track. Grateful for a church family where I feel like I'm home. Grateful that no matter HOW ALONE in this struggle I feel, there are people who can empathize and relate.

Broken isn't bad, as long as you are willing to put the pieces together and try again.

[source]

Year in Review { July - December}

HELLO, loves! I hope you had a wonderful Christmas weekend. Insane the holiday has come and gone, huh? I didn't mean to be gone so much last week, but something completely unexpected happened and I had to step back and plan life. I don't mean to be vague, but it is something I'll address in the new year, not this week because everything is still incredibly fresh. Let's look back at the second half of the year, shall we?

J U L Y
Family came to visit for the 4th of July

My Heart

We traveled to Michigan for a wedding. It was gorgeous and a ton of fun.


An advanced BODYCOMBAT training brought me back to my instructor center. Cheers to finding my mojo again.


Thirteen hours on a Saturday brought another kickball championship and a very tired Sunday. It was nice winning again, even if it was with a different team, and the extra cash didn't hurt either. I also debated on an August training and heard from all of you I should JUST DO IT, so thank you!

A U G U S T

Le Husband's family came down to visit and Mama B came into town for a funeral. 

Life got into my head and I had some issues trying to figure out my purpose and gifts. 

On the same note, I also started to really feel my age and y'all came to my rescue with advice. 

Hurricane Harvey made landfall and devastated multiple states and countries. So many organizations jumped into help mode and people were so kind donating money, time and services. 

S E P T E M B E R

The first week of September brought our  FOUR year wedding anniversary. 2016 - 2017 proved to be the HARDEST year of our marriage with more downs than ups, but we persevered, learned about ourselves, each other and recommitted to USE.

I shared the wonderful news of SPORTYSPICE'S pregnancy. We had known since the beginning of July and it was such a hard secret to keep. Oh and did I mention she competed a fitness competition at 12 weeks?

My second attempted at the NASM PT exam resulted in a PASS and I FELT SO ACCOMPLISHED!

Sportyspice and I pulled off an INCREDIBLE SURPRISE 30th BIRTHDAY PARTY for BABYSPICE and it was quite a wonderful weekend. She was surprised and it was lovely being a family of five.

I finally created a fitness class schedule I loved and our downstairs bathroom was finally completed. 

O C T O B E R

I shared what's new with me which included a new blog, an injury, and lots of friend love.

Babyspice came to visit me for a weekend.

Wrote about what I believe in.

After hearing a sermon I felt called to share how I was putting down the bricks in my life.

Visited family back in Ohio and had fabulous time with our lil nephews.

N O V E M B E R

We flew to Ohio for a quick wedding weekend with family.

I auditioned for the role of BOOTCAMP COACH for Gold's Gym and was thrilled to join the team.

Most of my month was spend getting ready for, anticipating and BEING with my family in Arizona for the Thanksgiving holiday. It was magical and wonderful and just amazing. 

During a gender reveal we found out SPORTYSPICE is expecting a lil girl in MARCH! #teampink

We unexpectedly lost a soccer friend to an aneurysm and I was reminded HOW short life can be and vowed to 'live like Chris' and be more kind and friendly to others in his honor.

D E C E M B E R

The month of holiday cheer got started with a fun traditions post. I also shared 10 things I wanted to do in the December.

My heart was so full of joy as we celebrated our first Christmas in our new home. There was a lot of looking back as I realized how happy this Christmas was from the sadness of last Christmas.

Lots of fitness and BOOTCAMP and we also took T-Bone out to dinner for the holidays.

I suffered my first canceled flight on my way up to DC to celebrate Sportyspice's baby shower. Thankfully I made it up before the party the next day and it was wonderful party. The family also celebrated Christmas early which was lovely.

An unexpected life moment happened right before Christmas which flipped my world around. As mentioned above it's something I'll talk about next month. But, I didn't let it steal my Christmas joy and Le Husband and I traveled up to Ohio for family Christmas which was the best extended weekend.

The end of the year will be wrapped up with a new plan in place, setting goals, finishing the house and getting ready to crush 2018 with style. I hope you haven't found these posts too boring, I love looking back, especially during a hard year. It helps keep things in perspective and I'm honestly in awe at how much this year as brought us here in Tennessee. 

Year in Review {April, May, June}

Hey, friends! Can you believe Christmas is only six days away? Yay, wahoo, and oh my right? Still quite a few things to take care of, but after my family Christmas on Sunday I'm kind of ready for the big day to arrive. Before we get there, let's look back at the second quarter of 2017, shall we?

A P R I L

I started a new job, which led to a much happier life.

April brought my 34th trip around the sun, leading to some self analysis. 

People responded well when I shared how often the 'bad self' takes over my brain.

M A Y

Surgery at the beginning of the month scared the ever living sh*t out of me.

My gallbladder surgery was successful, even though the recovery was a lot harder than anticipated.

I was honest about my feelings about life, I confessed some work mistakes,  and my fear of being average.

J U N E

My first DOUBLE DIGIT blogpost month since the move. Small peanuts, but still, I felt back in the blogging groove finally and found time for this little space. Shared about 'what you don't see' here, confessions of a group fitness instructor, and some joy bombs. 

A year after our move we went on our FIRST Tennessee hike and the view was gorgeous. Recovery was tough.

I took and F A I L E D my personal trainer exam... by four points. It was my own fault, but I was still devastated to have failed. I was embarrassed to tell my husband, my family, my friends and y'all. It was a rough few days to say the least. 

Le Husband and I took a weekend trip to a different lake and I got a new hairdo.

Completed my first What I'm Up To post in forever and got excited about family coming into town.

Second quarter brought about a much better balance with life and I started to feel human again. Especially after surgery. Summer was hot and I enjoyed a lot of time outdoors. Le Husband was traveling a lot, so I found fun ways to be on my own and continued to work on the house.

Weekend Update {Devastated, Delivered, Divine}

All in one weekend, y'all. All in one weekend.

Remember Friday? My excitement, joy and anticipation? The plan was an evening flight home on Friday to get into DC the day before my sister's baby shower. Everything was planned, I packed the night before, weather here was good, Le Husband dropped me off, I got my free checked bag for presents, snacks in my carryon, Les Mills videos cued up to practice on flight and I was ready to GO!

Then my world crashed in a nanosecond when the words delayed changed to C A N C E L E D!

Apparently small flights lost priority with the weather and only big planes were allowed to land at DCA. There was a different carrier flying to IAD leaving just then and I rushed over to see if they would let me buy a ticket [was prepared to pay through the nose] but I was outside the 30 minute window and they couldn't let me on the flight.  I cried, y'all, in the airport. Big tears, blubbing on the phone to my as I told them I was stuck in Knoxville for the night. Small airpots are awesome when things work, but when delays or cancelations happen options are very limited or zero as was my case.

Le Husband had to pick me up, drive me back home and listen to me cry. A hug from him didn't fix it but it made it better. We ate dinner together, got to watch a show and I was able to get a bit more sleep than expected. My ticket was booked for Saturday morning and I was set to make it to the house before the shower.

Long story short, the preggo picked me up and I made it to the house at 1:45pm before the 2:00pm start time. Make up was done, I had a quick change and then boom, party time. Babyspice, Mama B and Daddy did an amazing job getting everything put together without my extra set of hands and I was able to swoop in and just worry about the homemade hot cocoa for the cocoa bar. It was a brunch theme with chicken and waffles, bacon, punch, hot cocoa bar, chicken salad pitas, yogurt parfait bar, cucumber sandwiches, dips with crackers and cookies for party favors. EVERYTHING was incredible, so thankful I was able to make it there for the party.

I did a poor job of blog picture taking because, yeah, a day late and everything was a whirlwind. I also was able to spend time with friends and catch up with friends I hadn't seen in so long, which took  precedent. Below are a few I snapped, if you follow me on Instagram you received more a peek with my stories.

Once everyone left the family headed to my favorite place, POLLO RICO, for dinner then on to Babyspice's new apartment to eat. She moved earlier in the month and it was so nice to see her in her new space all set up for Christmas. When dinner was over we headed home for some clean up, snacks and then sister hang out until we couldn't stay awake.

Sunday was church, hanging with some darling girls, then family Christmas. Mama B pulled everything together with stockings and we all exchanged family gifts around the tree. It was a different Christmas this year. No husbands, less surprise because we bought what we needed, donations made for trips and all opened on the 17th instead of Christmas day. Yet, it was still magical and still lovely in it's own merry way.

Too soon it was time to pack up and head for the airport. Haven't left without tears yet, but maybe that will change soon. Crazy pants to think the next time I see Sportyspice lil 'Salsa Bean' will be here! It makes me want to cry I'm gonna miss so much, but excited to meet my niece. Thanks for all the well wishes Friday night, y'all were so sweet. Hoping you have wonderful week before Christmas < 3! Sending you cheer, sleep, joy and happiness!

Mama B was so happy ALL DAY!

Year in Review { Jan, Feb, March }

Through the course of this blog's history, December has been used to quarterly recap the previous year. Last year was a bit of a wash in blogland after our move, which didn't leave much to recap. Our 2016 was basically PREP for the move, VISIT Europe, MOVE, freak out when things didn't happen the way we expected and SCENE!

This year has been tough, but better. Blogging still took a major backseat to life at the beginning of the year, so not too many posts to recap. However, there were quite a lot of THINGS that happened at the beginning of 2017.

J  A N U A R Y

I adapted a new mantra after months of things not working out.

We BOUGHT A HOUSE! Following months of losing out on rentals and weeks of dealing with banks [ugh, why?] we signed off on our fabulous home and began the process of home ownership. #itallworksout

Welcome to OUR HOUSE! [gosh I look so tired from work!]

F E B R U A R Y

House renovations + financial worries + a job I hated + no sleep = a dark pinky

I attended an advanced training for BODYPUMP and started to find a rhythm with life.

M A R C H

I interviewed for, was offered and ACCEPTED A NEW JOB. It was an answer to so many nights of prayers. 

Life consisted of HOME RENOVATIONS ALL THE TIME.

My body gave me a WAKE UP moment and I had to practice some self care.

The beginning of 2017 was great [HOUSE] yet still dark [job] and I'm so thankful to be SO HAPPY in December. I know I've said it a lot, but looking back has me realizing how hard it was last year and how grateful I am to be here now.

10 Things I'm Doing In December

1. Decking the halls and breathing in the Christmas cheer. After our tough December last year I'm finding this season so much brighter and delightful. My goal is to reach out to those who might have less of a lovely month because I know how tough it is to feel lost at Christmas.

2. Walking outside in the snow and feeling grateful I'm no longer in a job where SNOW is a bad thing.

3. Being brave and taping FOUR auditions to send to LMUS. #fingerscrossedforme

4. Coaching/demoing multiple BOOTCAMP classes a week, on top of my regular class schedule. Soft launch is in January so we have to be ready for members ASAP. Lots to learn, but I'm optimistic.

5. Trying out a 'Dip Manicure' to have pretty nails, that last, this holiday season.

6. Staying up way later than normal to help Le Husband finish up painting and organizing the upstairs. He decided he needed to use up vacation and even though it makes me exhausted I know it will be amazing in the long run.

7. Indulging in extra sweets, hot cocoa, savory bites and lots of adult beverages. Tis the season.

8. Attempting to stay on track with food during the week, because January.

9. Heading home for the weekend to throw Sportyspice a baby shower. I am super excited, it's going to be so cute, and I can't wait to celebrate my little niece. Oh, and also do an early Christmas with my family.

10. Spending Christmas with Le Husband's family in Ohio. I can't wait to relax, eat yummy food, drink delicious beverages, snuggle little nephews and hang out with family. Holly JOLLY and ho ho ho!

inspiration found here

We Found Our Christmas This Year {What's New With You}

[source]

If I had to change my blog tag line it would be "what a difference a year makes". Seems every time I come here to write something deep about my life that phrase shows up. Right now, I find myself thinking it over and over, multiple times a day. I'm so grateful to be 365 days away from the end of 2016.

Last year, oh man, what a perfectly awful December. My life was day in day out 'Where Are You Christmas?' on repeat. It was dark. And sad. And lonely. And just gosh darn horrible. Both Le Husband and I were stuck in jobs we couldn't stand and we still hadn't found a place to live. My aunt and uncle gave us NO grief, nor made us feel in the way, but celebrating the holidays in someone else's home is super tough. Our timeline of three months [HAAHAHAHA] had extended to six. I cried multiple nights going to sleep because it wasn't supposed to be THIS WAY.

My job was a month old, yet I found myself drowning daily. Changes in policy, changes in merchandise, changes in memberships, changes in pricing, changing in personal, all happening in a single day frayed my nerves to nothing. My first December weekend I received a call at 0300 because someone didn't show up for their next shift and the buck stopped with me. So I had to drive to the gym to cover the 0300 - 0600 shift. I cried driving out there. I cried sitting in the office. I also vowed to never have the experience again. It was terrible and the weekend was lost. And then my friend was killed in a car accident, bringing a tidal wave of emotions and more darkness.

Our marriage was at it's lowest point last year, too. We were tired of nothing working. Le Husband was tired of his job's drama, while also being tired of me complaining and crying all the time. He's an amazing man, though comforting is not his forte. He also was experiencing what I call 'the man's worth crisis' because we were still in someone else's home. Which made him angry about circumstances and when I didn't want to look at homes online or drive around when I got home from work he'd get so annoyed with me, causing arguments. Christmas cheer was so hard to find, there was a lot of faking. So much time spent pretending to be happy to people while silently feeling like a failure and feeling so incredibly lost.

Then came the house. Then came the new job. Then came more sleep. More joy. More time. Most importantly MORE LIFE!

What's new with us this December? So much goodness. I know longer work a job I can't stand because it makes me cry with unpredictability. Call me a baby, but those six months were some of the toughest, darkest months of my life. My current job is not where I see myself much longer than a year, but it gives me stability. It gives me peace of mind [usually]. I am allowed to walk out the door and not think about work until the next day. I sleep. I take vacation. I am actually bored, YES!

We are in our home. OUR.HOME. Something we'd wanted for years but waited to buy in Virginia. Something so close, yet so unattainable in 2016. Then came the one visit and the moment we knew. This was it, this is our home. Which is decorated for Christmas, making it so cozy. Not everything is done or put away, Le Husband is currently painting our upstairs, but it is livable and lovely. Pictures below are snapshots taken last night. Nothing fancy, just moments. Christmas cheer is everywhere and I'm basking in the glow of our Christmas tree lights and candles.

Just typing OUR Christmas tree has me tearing up a bit. You might call me a bit dramatic or emotional but this month is bringing out all the feels. That's what's new with me. My joy of the season is back. My love of the holidays has returned. I can feel the jolly. I can say without faking "Merry Christmas"! I can read posts on blogs, Facebook and Instagram without feeling hollow inside. We have finally reached A YEAR LATER and it has never felt soooooo good to be on the other side of a year. If you are struggling, I get it. All my love and hugs to you. If you're on the other side with me, I cheers you, we did it. 

Thank you so much, friends for supporting me. To each and everyone of you reading, I appreciate you sticking with me and reaching out when it was dark. Your friendships mean more than you know and sometimes just a 'hang in there' got me through the day. So much love and lots of Christmas cheer to you!