Thoughts on a Thursday: The BIG N-O & Humbled

Tuesday night, thinking about my LAST evening class of the day. Not pretty, just life. 

Stream of consciousness coming at you today, friends. Maybe it's something you want to read, maybe it's not. No worries, just getting vulnerable here. Raw. Time to get raw.

This week has been hard. Aggressively hard. Too much to do in too little time. Asking my body to work harder than it should for longer than it needs. A mound of yeses drowning me day by day. Hour by hour ticking away and NOTHING but wheels turning. Somehow everything snuck up on me so quickly and from Sunday night to Monday morning my mood shifted, my brain slowly shut down and my will to do fight on drained away. Teaching each class a different way to engage everyone is tough. Multiple formats and multiple subs make my head spin. Too much. Too much. Too much.

Tuesday was an all out beast of a day with four classes, training clients, working extra shifts at the gym, then dinner with a friend leaving town, all with the knowledge I had to be up to teach a 6am class the next morning. Happy face on I tried to push through. I tried to sub out a class to breath, but no one would help me. I tried to find happy in the small moments. Tried to seek out moments to recenter but it wasn't happening.

Slowly this feeling of hopelessness ate away at my joy. At my love of fitness. At my dream of making fitness my FULL TIME. At making a difference, because that's why I'm passionate about fitness. I want people to feel better about working out. About exercising. About feeling healthy. I want to teach people how to move their bodies so they can conquer things they never dreamed. But. But. But. It's not working out. It's so hard to convince people to pay me to teach them. Trying to flip clients via social media. Via walking around the gym. Just engaging people in the concept of PT is a trail because everyone just sees dollar bills, not what they will gain. Not enough. Not enough. Not enough.

I texted friends and then broke down crying to Lynn because I just couldn't hold it together. Being a YES girl is in my blood. Who I am. How I was raised. What I want to be. But, I realized being the yes girl doesn't mean others will say yes to you. Which hurts. Which changes perspectives. Which makes me feel icky. Lynn reminded me it is okay to say NO. It is okay to say no multiple times. To not always be the yes girl. To value myself more. Which is true. I need to make sure I'm okay so I can give my best to others.

So I had a good cry. Had a good breakfast and chat with a friend. Taught another class. Worked the front desk and finally found a YES person for my evening class. Then it became time for me. A bath. A book. A candle. Mac and cheese. Salad. Water. A nonsense television show. Writing this blog post. Face timing with my family. Recharge. Sweet beautiful recharge.

Now I am ready again. I am ready for the eight hour drive to Virginia tomorrow afternoon. I am ready to figure out a business plan for my dream. I am ready to discern what my correct path is at the moment. I am ready to sleep. Breathe in a new day and exhale joy for others.

To those who reached out, thank you. I love your support and your friendship. And to those reading now, thank you for being here to champion my words and give them meaning.

I Needed This

Have you ever been somewhere or attended something and had the distinct feeling of belonging? Knowing THIS was where you were supposed to be despite where you wanted to be or second guessing decisions? A validation you never knew you needed so desperately?

Cue my Saturday.

Which I was nervous AF about attending. Which was messing with my brain all week. Which was something I knew I needed but didn't prepare for well. Which scared the poop out of me. Which ended up helping me find a different side of myself.

If you read my one post last week, you would have seen a bullet point about a BODYCOMBAT advanced training. I have only been certified since December so advanced training was a bit of a stretch but the trainer leading everything is a friend of mine and a role model as well. It was local [all the praise hands] and a lot of people I originally certified with were attending which made it less scary. Normally I'm miss OVER PREPARED for trainings but this time things were different. It was launch week, I was behind in life & choreography and since I DON'T have my own COMBAT class on the schedule I had yet to teach any of the tracks until Friday. As in the day before the training.

Yeah, talk about procrastination which is another post for another day.

I won't bore you with a full play by play [you can catch a bit of the recap here on my Instagram] because that would take awhile, but I will give you the big piece moments. I honestly arrived to the class exhausted, defeated and scared but thankfully my trainer felt my energy and immediately changed it, asking about life and then put me at ease to make sure I felt comfortable. Having friends in the class also helped me relax and helped me realize I needed to test myself and not play it safe.

Meaning, I chose to present a track outside my ability and essence. BODYCOMBAT is a fitness class combined of mixed martial arts, one of the arts being Muay Thai. I have been fascinated by Muay Thai for years but have never stepped into a class. Teaching BODYCOMBAT has given me a tiny glimpse into all the martial arts and I've been able to 'glaze' my way through Muay Thai tracks using motivating words for participants, but have never been authentic to the essence.

My first presentation went well, I actually received the compliment of 'checking all the boxes' [which no one else received], with the challenge of finding my inner warrior or barbarian. Because Muay Thai is tough. Muay Thai is no holds bar. Muay Thai is strength and bravery. Muay Thai is the complete opposite of my personality, but that is why it fascinates me.

Throughout the rest of the day we learned about all the martial arts, practiced our punches/kicks, used gloves to work on our strikes and then BOOM it was time to present again. I was one of the last to present and it was incredible seeing the growth of my fellow instructors in such a short time. One of the best parts of being an instructor is the sense of immediate TRIBE and family once you are certified. Everyone was championing everyone and I could see the smiling encouraging faces as I stood on the stage to present.

From the track introduction I changed. I was strong. I was intense. I was NOT smiling [until I was told I could bring a bit of fun to the track, ha]. I was fierce. I used my big girl voice. I let the words of the song speak through a build and then unleashed my HUGE voice to push through the jump knees at the end of the track. In a sense I lost my mind coaching and surrendered fully to the teaching the moment. When the music stopped I had this moment of confusion because I completely forgot where I was until I looked up at my friends. And the shock on their faces said it all. I did it! I had changed and found what I was challenged to find. Y'all, it was awesome.

To be clear, I wasn't perfect, I had help creating certain moments as I mirrored what my trainer was doing to help me achieve my goal. There are quite a few technical moments that need to be cleaned up but I FOUND what I was looking for and it couldn't have come at a better time. The past few weeks I've felt quite a sense of loss and sadness. My purpose seems lacking and last week, during a particularly vulnerable moment, I felt so insignificant and unwanted because I wasn't part of something I desperately thought I needed.

And then THIS! THIS! This moment on Saturday where my being here made sense. If I had traveled somewhere else I wouldn't have found THIS person. This part of my soul wouldn't have felt awakened and I wouldn't have experienced how GOOD I can be at something I truly love. Sunday I was asked to sub a class for a friend and I took EVERYTHING I learned on Saturday and brought it to the class, even though it was a different format. One of my fellow instructors from Saturday attended the class and he told me afterwards he was blown away by my teaching. He said I rocked it and he could tell how much the members enjoyed the class even though they were working extremely hard.

THAT is what matters. THAT is what I work for every class. That is what I've felt was missing in some classes recently and now that I've found I can't wait to teach again. It's not my full time job, but it brings me so much joy. Even when I'm tired, helping people makes me happy and knowing I have more tools in the box to give them a great class is beyond fantastic.

If you've made it this far, congrats. What started off a just a post has unexpatlyed turned into one giant pat on the back, which normally I'd cringe reading, but not today. Not now. My heart needed this pat. My body needed this pat. My whole soul was aching for this pat. Today I wish you success in finding your validation. Be it small or huge, I send you ALL my good vibes. Because THIS, this is what living is all about. CHEERS!

Confessions of a Group Fitness Instructor

+ We work harder than you can imagine to learn our content, add our own spin to it and perform with intensity for you each and every class. Sure we may be in shape, but bringing it each and every rep takes more effort than you can imagine.

+ When you leave during the abs/cooldown tracks we worry about you. Stretching out after an hour workout is SO IMPORTANT and when you duck out early we can only hope you stretch at home.

+ Like every workplace there is DRAMA and politics. Instructors can be divas and it can be exhausting.

+ All of us have had one of those uncomfortable digestive body moments when teaching.

+ If you have a question, critique or issue PLEASE COME TO US AT THE END OF CLASS. Nothing hurts worse than hearing second hand someone wasn't happy with your class. We teach FOR YOU, so if you need something or notice we are lacking something, please approach us directly.

+ Don't be scared if you are new, we've all be there and can spot you whether you raise your hand or not. We ask if anyone is new to help you, not embarrass you so if you can get to class early to introduce yourself to us and we promise your class will roll a lot smoother.

+ 99% of us get butterflies before each and every class.

+ Making a mistake, even a teeny blip can make us feel like we failed the class. WE HATE MISTAKES!

+ YES, we have a list of THOSE members. The ones who don't listen. Who show up late every class just because they are too cool to be on time. The ones who do their own exercises no matter what the class is doing. YES, we know who you are and YES we warn other instructors about you. #dontbethisperson

+ What we get paid to teach does not compensate the entirety of effort put into each class.

+ Our end goal is to get you healthier, so if you have a success story from class PLEASE share it.

+ You have no idea how much a "Great class" can mean, especially on our own tough days.

What do you want to know about teaching from a fitness instructor? Ask me!

Weekly Wins

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+ Green smoothies prepped at night make for a much easier morning. I'm loving the quick shot of energy in the morning and hey, it helps keep food from going bad.

+ New fun podcasts keeping me company when I'm done with fitness music. I've mentioned my love of true crime in posts previously and I'm super intrigued by this new podcast Accused. Super interesting if you're into unsolved murders. 

+ A new outlook on my BODYATTACK class after I filmed myself last week. When teaching you often think you are KILLING it but when you tape yourself, yeah, not so much. I took a chance last week and man did the tape open my eyes to some weaknesses. I took them home and then ROCKED my Wednesday class, it felt so gooooood!

+ Le Husband was able to come home two days earlier than expected and it was a nice surprise when he came home late and crawled into bed. I'm happy he's traveling because he is fulfilled by his job, but it's always nice when we get more than two days home together. 

+ My sister made it to VA from AZ and I'm so excited we're on the same coast right now.

+ I successfully completed a week back on the IF [intermittent fasting] train and am happy to get back into the IF groove. Teaching late at night really created a crimp in my IF style, but after talking with a fellow instructor starting out I committed to getting back into a window of eating and think I've found the sweet spot. 

+ THIS RIGHT *HERE*! After many a push and kind word about a my own fitness blog I decided to bite the bullet and just step out on that scary new blog ledge. If you have a moment, please check out PINKYFIT321 and let me know your thoughts. There are only two posts live right now and it is VERY generic. Oh, you might finally find out my real name, too.

I hope everyone has a fabulous weekend. We are gonna get in some lake and family time, woohoo < 3!