I love Granny Clampett's description...

... of the Civil War:

 "But Adkins has survived numerous disfiguring accidents in his lifetime, including a near-fatal shooting at the hands of an ex-wife, so he weathered the controversy good-naturedly and with only the slightest wisp of an apology. He is a member of the Sons of Confederate Veterans and has repeatedly referred to what is known as America’s “Civil War” as the “War of Northern Aggression,” although I’ve always preferred Granny Clampett’s explanation that the conflict resulted “when the North invaded America.”"